Here begins the fourth part of our series!! This series began with "Break With Tears", followed by "Walk Beside Me", and then "Song In My Heart". If you haven't read the other parts of this series, it is strongly recommended that you do in order to understand exactly what is going on!!
Now, to all our faithful readers:
Thank you so much for your support of our work and for sticking with us so long! We really appreciate it! And we greatly hope that you enjoy this story as well as you have enjoyed the others!
All our love!
Prologue
How did we get here?
Mark stood. All tear-stained eyes rested on him.
"So…um…a few years ago, Thom Collins met the love of his life, Angel Dumont Shunard. He—she—was in Collin's life for a brief time, but I can't really separate them in my mind. There isn't much I can say about Collins that wasn't said through Angel.
"I stood at Angel's funeral and said a eulogy. I told a story that would make people laugh, because I believe that what stood out about both these people was their ability to laugh and smile life away. So today, I'll tell you a story about Collins. I'll laugh when I want to cry, because that's what Collins would've done.
"When I first met Thomas Collins, I thought he was the biggest asshole on earth."
Laughter.
"I hadn't left home long before that, and was killing the money my mother had given me going from one hotel to another. Collins and I were stuck waiting for a subway next to each other—me with all my luggage, him with a cigarette.
"I was used to small-city interactions. So, it caught me off-guard when Collins said, 'Boy, with all them bags, and that scared-as-hell expression on your face, you're gonna get your ass kicked all the way back to whatever small-town nowhere you got thrown out of.'
"I thanked him curtly and rudely for the warning. In my head, I was thinking 'God, no on here cuts a guy any slack. And for all I know, this guy could be the one to jump me any second.'
"But then, he clapped me on the shoulder, laughing, and pulled me into a one-armed hug. Me—a complete stranger. He said, 'I'm just playing with you, boy! But hey, you look lost. If you're looking for somewhere to crash tonight, come with me. My roommate should be there.'
"You can imagine I was hesitant to go home with the first big black guy in New York who hadn't greeted me by fingering a switchblade. But then, we sat down on the subway and rode together; he wouldn't shut the hell up. His easy talking made me more comfortable and I thought, why the hell not.
"So, I went home with Collins that day. And I never left.
Laughter.
"Collins was more than any of us. He alone believed in all of us as a family when we were falling apart. Yes, I'll miss him; I'll miss him impossibly, because he was always the one holding us together. But I know he's home now. He was always an angel, and then he found his own Angel. Now they're together. So we miss him-- but who can begrudge him what he's found?
"The last thing Collins said to me was, 'Nah, it doesn't hurt. It feels good. I don't hurt no more, Mark. But you hurt, Mark. That's 'cause you worry too much. But I hear Angel now, more than ever, and she's telling you to smile.'
"Collins spoke a few more words to us before he left. But those words are what I really wanted to share, and what I want us to remember as we grieve for Collins: he's speaking to us, he and Angel both, and they're telling us to smile."
Mark sat down to the sound of tears. His eyes met Roger's, who was beside him.
Roger alone hadn't smiled throughout the entire eulogy. His arms were around Mimi, who kept her eyes locked on the sky and the grave, as though they were calling her home.
Two Months Later
Roger was afraid to let his voice echo out into the silence, because he knew that it would quake with unfallen tears, but there were things he had to say.
"The night Mimi died, I wrote out what I wanted to say. But this morning, I realized that all those words meant nothing. I had said all the things that are supposed to be said, but I wasn't saying the things that were in my heart.
"From the start, I denied what was in my heart, and Mimi spent her short time with me putting a stop to that.
"Which is why I couldn't give my prepared speech.
"Mimi came into my life in darkness. She carried with her only a single candle… a single candle… and an internal light that burned through all of my anger and my fear and my depression.
"But, I had become accustomed to the pain, and having someone remind me that there was another way of living, wasn't an easy thing. But there was no saying no to Mimi. If you ever tried, you know what I mean.
"The first night she came in through the door. So I locked it trying to keep her out. Then she wrote me notes, which I ignored, convinced that she'd leave me alone. She found the window. When I shut the window, she managed to slip into my heart.
"And I never quite figured how to get her out of it.
"I'm certain that I never will.
"I wake up, and expect to see her next to me. I come home, and expect to see her there. I call her name, and expect her to answer. I cry, and I expect her to comfort me.
"I'll never understand how she did it, but she managed to make herself such a part of my life that I'm not certain how I've continued to exist without her.
"The rest of the world seems so oblivious to her passing. The sun came up this morning, just like every morning, and tonight it will set, in the same way it sets every night. But I'm stuck in that last moment of her life.
"I remember saying everything you say to someone who's dying. Selfish things. Foolish things. Down right lies.
"She suffered silently through my words and my tears, never letting one of her own fall. And at the end, when I had finally run out of things to say, she made up for my shortcomings, the way she always did, and said everything.
" 'I love you. I've always loved you. And because of that, I'm not going to say goodbye. Just because I'm going, doesn't mean that I'm going to stop loving you. Don't lock the window, because when you don't expect it, I'll slip back in.'
"I couldn't say anything, before she was gone.
"So, I'll say it now.
"Mimi, I love you. And I'll be waiting… but if you don't come back through that window… I guess I'll just have to climb out and come looking for you.
Silence.
"If I had words of comfort, I would give them. Instead, I must give you the greatest gift that I was ever given.
"Her love.
"And I hope that it can give you, what it has given me.
"Peace… hope… love…life…
Silence.
Goodbye, love.
The loft was an empty place that day. Mark and Roger had returned home, but as they walked aimlessly from place to place, pouring themselves drinks that they didn't touch and cleaning things that didn't need to be cleaned, they still seemed to be wandering in an unfamiliar place.
They danced a strange ballet around each other, careful not to say words should they break down. They were strangers, not only to each other, but to themselves. How were they supposed to pick up the pieces and go on, now that so many of the pieces were missing?
It was Mark who first attempted to crack the barrier. Roger was sitting on the couch, the mute guitar at his side. The songwriter's eyes were misted over, but he didn't cry.
Mark leaned against their table and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Roger…" he coaxed. "We can't just not talk. Let's talk about something, anything. I don't know if you can talk about her, but it doesn't have to be about her…I just know that we need to move on."
"So soon to move on," muttered Roger. "I just can't help thinking…"
"Thinking what?"
"That I should've been here with her, at the end. But for months I was gone. For months, I didn't even think about her, I just thought about…"
"Me?" asked Mark, his voice hard.
Roger had been thinking that too. He didn't want to let the word slide between his lips and have it taken as an accusation, but he had nothing left to say to Mark except for that accusation.
"Yes," he breathed. "I was so busy with you…I forgot about her."
Mark didn't say a word, but he turned his eyes away from his roommate. Roger clutched his hands around his own shoulders because Mimi wasn't there to do it anymore.
"I should've been there for her…I shouldn't have been dealing with all of your shit."
Mark turned away. He went silently to the stairs. He had climbed the first few steps to his bedroom when he turned back around and spoke to the back of Roger's head.
"Then next time, don't bother."
He slammed the door before he could notice Roger turning to look at him.