A/N: The lyrics used in this story are from the song "Not Pretty Enough" by Kasey Chambers.
Why do you see
Why do you see
Why do you see right through me
Over and over the words play through your head, like a record stuck on repeat. You don't even like the song, the woman's voice irritates you but you can't stop it, and the more you listen the more you begin to think the song is about you.
You can relate to the woman standing alone at the dance, the streamers falling around her and everyone else dancing. You're not alone but you may as well be, the man you dance with, your husband he doesn't see you. He stares past you, through you and at the other woman. You hate the other woman, not for who she is but because you don't want to hate your husband, you still love your husband.
Despite what he is doing to you, you still love him. You still want him, you forgive him for what he is doing because you want him to forgive you for what you did. He says he does and maybe he's telling the truth but it's not the same, it'll never be the same.
You're not the only woman he sees anymore, he sees right through you and you wonder why.
Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart to broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me
You used to be Addison and Derek, you used to be the perfect pair. And then you got successful, you both started making a name for yourself and you stopped being Addison and Derek instead you became Dr. Shepard. And somewhere along the line you stoped seeing each other. He stopped seeing you.
You weren't invisible though, there was someone else who saw you.
Mark saw you, the man who had always been there, the man who watched you become Addison and Derek saw you. He listened to you as you talked about being transparent and he assured you weren't. He told you, you were beautiful and then he filled the hole inside of you. He gave you what you craved. He loved you but you never loved him back you just used him, you wanted to be seen, but not by him.
You wanted your husband, you wanted to be seen by your husband but he didn't see you, all he saw was you and Mark. You were no longer two people but one and your husband ran away. He wasn't supposed to run, he was supposed to see you, you were supposed to work things out together but he left before you could. He ran away and found someone else to see.
I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can
You listen to the music play, you let him gently sway you from side to side and you close your eyes. You pretend he sees you, you pretend you are still Addison and Derek, with your eyes closed it's almost real but it's not. You can feel him, you can feel his eyes staring through you, staring at the other woman. When he pulls away from you, you let him go, you watch him follow her and you are alone.
Like the woman in the song you are alone on the dance floor. Around you people move, people dance, but you just stand there, for a moment you are not sure what to do but there aren't too many things you can do. You could follow him but he's following her, he's going to her and away from you, following him won't help, instead you walk to the punch bowl and get a drink. '
For hours he seems to be gone, with her, with her who he sees. He comes to you at one point, you tell him you're cold and he gives you his jacket. Before you never had to ask, when he saw you, he saw these things but not anymore. He tells you, you should go home, that he's spending the night. You don't question him, what you're thinking doesn't need to be said there. You walk out the door and as you do you stick your hands into the pockets of the jacket. Your hands wrap around something soft and lacy. You know what it is and you feel a part of you breaking. You know now pretending is useless he's never going to see you again.