If You Leave Me Now PROLOUGE
When you're a child, the entire world is full of chances. Wide eyed and full of hope, not knowing despair and heartache, children are drawn to the land of make believe. Pirates and princesses, doctors and firemen… if a child can dream it, they can be it. They can pretend all afternoon, yet have no desire to actually become what their imagination creates. Let's use an example. My roommate, Sam, short for Samantha Vashti Carson, was once a child. Well, obviously. But when she was little, and her friends were pretending to be princesses and cowboys, she always pretended to be an elementary teacher. I've seen her basement-- it's still filled with chalkboards and fake nametags.
Now, as an 18 year old who is venturing off into the land off college and higher education, she is studying to actually be an elementary teacher…..
…….Maybe I chose a bad example.
Let's try again.
When I was little, I once pretended to be a tightrope walker. I climbed on a wooden fence that was only a couple feet high, but I imagined myself hundreds of feet in the air, gazing down upon thousands of people cheering my name. I could hear the roar of the crowd, and the tinkling bells of carnival music. I was lost in my fantasy as I walked a couple steps, slipped, fell, and broke my arm in two places. BAM! I went to the hospital, had to get my bones reset, and was forced to lug around a bright pink cast through my first days of third grade. How embarrassing.
I sure as hell didn't mess around with make believe after that. Reality set in hard. I grew up, recognized simple goals, worked hard in school, and eventually applied for college. Now, at 18, I am also studying to be an elementary teacher.
What now, monsieur fence?
The thing is… this whole episode really defined me as a person. I've grown to not believe in miracles or magic. The best time EVER was when I went to the 13th birthday party of my best friend, Abigail Lynn Meisner.. Abby. She grew up with a bit more money than most people, so her mother hired a magician to entertain the kids. Personally, I think she just wanted someone to distract us long enough so she could take a nice long swig of scotch. But, God, I tormented that poor man and completely ruined the show…. what with my exclamations of "YOU'RE NOT REAL!" and "GO HOME MISTER FAKE!" I'm pretty sure that party ended for me with Abby's mom dragging me into their house until the magician left. Fine, if you WANT to lie to your child. Whatever.
Something else I've never believed in is… love.
I'm not going to lie to you like that magician lied to a yard full of kids. This story may or may not have a happy ending. I don't know… because it's still going on. But the past few months have been a rollercoaster ride… and right now, I'm stuck at the bottom of a hill with no chain lift in sight.
In retrospect, I've made a lot of dumb mistakes recently. Mistakes that I wish I could change, but unless I'm ridiculously oblivious to the news, I can't. If anyone creates a time machine, I'd sure like to be the first one to use it. Hell, I'll be the test dummy. Who gives a shit if my atoms are spliced? Time travel? The coolest. And in this case, dead helpful.
I can promise, however, that this story is filled with betrayal and mistakes, friendship and trust, competition and heartache…. and….. and love.
How stupid I am to throw away what could have been… and what was. The saying is true… "Women who don't believe in love are fickle-hearted." Yes, I just made that up.
But maybe my heart is certain now, or maybe the truth is that I still don't believe. That's what I said, isn't it? The night we parted ways.
My name?
Kailee Joanne Lydan.