I don't own iCarly.
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I walked through the hall of my trailer, sobs growing louder as the previous occurrences struck me, over and over.
What did I do to deserve this? I loved him. I thought he loved me. I thought wrong. I always do think wrong, wrong dreams, wrong loves, and wrong men. Everything in my life is wrong.
How am I supposed to get it back on track after losing the largest piece of my life?
As I stared at the ceiling, I couldn't help but wonder where we went wrong. I did everything I could to make him happy. I gave him everything. My love, my life, my friends. And all I'm left with is regret and pain. I let him slip straight through my fingers. And I couldn't even catch him. He fell without a fight, leaving me alone to suffocate. I let out a savage scream. There had to be a reason he left me.
Was it because I'm not pretty? Too short? Too fat? Too skinny? Too tall? Too poor? Or simply all of the above.
Ok so I live in a trailer, so I'm not a billionaire, so I shop at Goody's and not at "Abercrombie" or "Hollister". I can't help it. What am I supposed to do? Make money come from thin air? Magically make my mom and dad love each other? Magically make them care for me? Or just magically make them get back together. Please. I've been taking care of myself since I was old enough to operate a stove alone. The only person to ever love me, just gone. Out the door. Leaving me here in my regrets.
Did he even know me? He should have, I told him every thought, feeling, emotion, and he told me everything. So I thought. Why didn't he tell me that he knew it wasn't going to be "Forever"?
Tears lingered in my eyes, threatening to fall as I thought back on all of the promises we made, all the lies, the deceits, the agonizing words that fell from our lips, words that I once cherished with all of the pieces of my heart.
"I love you" He whispered, pulling a strand of stray hair from my cheek.
"I love you more than anything else in this world," I replied, embracing him in a hug.
I curled up into a ball thinking about his smell, his alluring, amazing smell. Like rain on an open field of daffodils, beautiful.
I need him. "I need him!" I shouted to no one in particular, seeing as though my mom wasn't home, and really didn't care.
I grabbed my stomach, trying to ease the destructive pain, the feeling like nothing I had ever felt. I felt alone and abandoned, I felt scared and lost, I felt like my life was coming to an end and this was all just flashing by me in a haze. Like if opened my eyes, I'd see him there, holding me in his warm embrace, feeling like nothing I had felt in my life. Like a princess, a queen, a step above everyone else, simply divine.
When I was with him I knew that I really did belong. I knew that I would always have him, forever. I knew that no force in this earth could pull us apart, but people change. "People change." The very thing he told me when I tried to catch up to him, tell him I loved him one more time, like a child lost in the park, like a weak infant reaching for its mother to feed them. My nourishment, my protection, my everything. Gone. In the blink of an eye.
I know that "people change" but love never changes. It's beautiful and unchanging. So if he changed could it really have been love? Was it a chemical reaction that everyone around me saw, but I was too ignorant to put the puzzle pieces together?
Stupid. That's all I am, stupid. I completely opened my heart to him, and he pretended to do the same. All I know now is that he never cared. I loved him, and he destroyed me in one victorious blow.
My armies are defeated, and they are all in captivity. Although I am no longer a part of him, he is everything to me.
I just wish he hadn't broken up with me the way he did. He waited for what was supposed to be the best night of my childhood life, my sweet 16.
It was the first slow dance of the night and he took my hand and led me to the dance floor, he looked me in the eyes and told me we needed to talk. Then he told me that he and his best friend, Michelle had been going out for over a year. I felt my heart freeze in my chest as I stumbled for the right words to say, when nothing came, he turned around and left me, hurting and alone in the middle of the dance floor.
The crowd around me was laughing and talking and dancing and having the time of their lives at my party. While I was on my own, lost in the crowd. Standing apart from the people around me that were all having a great time.
Why did he have to break up with me on my birthday? Out of 365 days he had to pick the one that was the only day I have any attention from anyone. Ever.
I hate to love him because I hate him so much. My heart aches with every lingering thought of the one person that I have ever really loved. I need him more than ever. It's funny how the person you need to cheer you up is the very person that can put you in the condition to need to be cheered up.
Life is nothing but a beautiful tragedy. He was the most beautiful tragedy to ever surface the earth. He is a natural predator to mankind. Everything about him draws you near him, everything. But when you let him on the inside he is like a ravenous leach, he sucks away your life until he has finally had enough, then he drops to the ground, and the cycle continues with each fool stupid enough to let him in.
He was a beautiful lie that got out of hand, and I think that his stupid girlfriend that he has been with for year is well deserving of him.
I want to tell him what he did to me, I want him to know everything that he has put me through, I want him to know that I am weeping on behalf of his stupidity and lies.
I don't know what possessed me, but I found myself limping to my desk, and before I knew it I had written his name at the top of a piece of stationary. I was too upset to worry about penmanship so I just managed to pour my heart out on a piece of paper, and before long I lifted the paper from under my pen and took a look at what I had just written.
Justin:
I know you really don't care, but everything you put me through has been pulling at me ever since it happened. I know it was all a lie, I know you are gone and always will be, I know I never was "Your life" and I guess you can't be mine. I have done everything in my power to move on like I should, and I know that "people change" but you still are and always will be with me. I can feel your presence, metaphorically of course. What changed? What was it that I couldn't offer that you found in Michelle? You were, no are my life, sitting here writing this you are all I ever needed and now you are gone. Forever. It feels like a limb has been pulled off of my body, without as much as a Tylenol to ease my pain. Every wall I ever built, every guard I put up, you are the only one to succeed in tearing it down, I need you. Now until forever.
I love you,
Samantha L. Puckett.
I started sobbing as I set the letter back on the table and sealed it, never to open again. I can't send it to him, but it was nice to have written I guess. I took the envelope and threw it across the room landing on the "Anger Management" shirt Freddie bought me for my birthday; it's a cool shirt even though he wound up in a neck brace when he gave it to me…
I allowed the corners of my lips to slowly rise as the memory flooded my brain. Freddie might be a dork, but the one good thing about him is that he is always there to make me laugh.
Then I thought of the time when I first met Justin, Freddie told me that he was no good, that I shouldn't trust him, but I didn't listen. My smile faded and tears fell in its place. I buried my head in my arms and before long I had fallen asleep.
I woke up to my phone vibrating in my pocket,
i need 2 tlk 2 u
-justin
I completely froze. I quit breathing and read over the text one more time. I couldn't believe my eyes. I blinked a few times and realized that it was really there, so I texted back
Im listning
-sam
I anxiously waited for a reply until finally,
No, I cant txt it I need to tell u in person, meet me at the park in 10 minutes?
-justin
I was too excited for words, I quickly changed clothes and pulled my phone out for one more text,
Seeya there
-sam
I grabbed my coat, threw my phone down, and ran out the door as fast as I could push my legs until finally I saw his spiky blond hair peeking up from behind a bush.
My heart stopped at the sight of him. I tore out running until I was finally sitting down next to him.
I looked beside me and there he was, looking just as amazing as he had before everything happened.
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Meanwhile
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"Sam?" a voice called out, echoing through Sam's trailer, "Sam? Are you here? If you are I was just wondering where you'd been lately, you weren't at school all week, and you didn't show up for iCarly last night."
Freddie found her door and opened it, "Sam!? Where are you?!" he shouted.
He turned around and walked over to her bed and saw a picture of Sam and Justin laying face down, with shattered glass surrounding the once meaningful picture. "Sam?" He asked, calmer this time.
He turned around and saw the shirt he had given her laying in a ball on Sam's dresser, "This is going to wrinkle!" He shouted.
I should really quit talking to myself... O my gosh, I sound like my mother!
Freddie cringed, and looked at a small envelope lying on top of the shirt. He picked it up and saw there was no send address. He furled his eyebrows and started to open it. He stopped himself, knowing that it was wrong to snoop through other's belongings. And that Sam would most likely rip his head off of his shoulders. He took the envelope and stared at it, trying to figure out what to do: Open it and be a snoop? Or leave it there and never know. Before long he pulled it up to his lap and neatly opened it.
He read through it a few times before he actually believed Sam Puckett could be hurting. She caused pain, she didn't feel it.
He allowed his eyes to browse around the organized mess of a room. He spotted her Blackberry lying unused on her dresser. He stood up from her desk chair and took her phone to see what she was up to. He figured that this was an emergency he had to help a friend.
Friendship is more important than being thought of as a nosy fool.
He scrolled to her messages and found something that he didn't like, not one bit.
________________________
Back at the
park
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"Hey," I said, causing him to snap his head around to face me.
"Hey…" he replied not making eye contact with me.
The silence was eating me alive. "So what'd you want to talk to me about?" I asked, hoping to get an answer.
"Well, uhh… I… just wanted to uhmmm….. well I was just making sure you know that it is …….. what I'm trying to say is…" He trailed off and finally looked at me, but obviously nervous.
"What?" I pushed, hoping for an answer, knowing that if I didn't get one I would have to live with this vacant feeling for as long as I loved him, always.
"Well, I am just going to say this, you definitely know it's over right?"
My heart sank. I felt tears verging in my eyes, and pushed them back with everything I could. My one last strand of hope, destroyed. Leaving me beaten and breathless staring at the one I love. The one I hate. The one that destroyed every ounce of my being.
I started to open my mouth when someone had grabbed my arm, at first I was scared, but then I realized it was a soft grasp, not a firm hold. And anyway I'm Sam Puckett, I can take care of myself.
"Are you ok?" I heard the person whisper.
I didn't answer, who would answer a random guy that they didn't even know who they were?
"She's fine!" Justin shouted at the yet to be identified figure behind me.
"Justin, stay out of this," I warned.
"Babe, don't worry," He shot back, leaving me shocked. 'Babe'? Since when am I his babe?
"Excuse me?" I heard the voice becoming louder.
"I can handle this!" I shouted at whoever was holding my arm.
"No you obviously can't"
"Whatever, I'll argue later," I whispered.
"Babe?" I turned to Justin.
"Since when am I your 'babe'?" I shouted.
"O come on," He replied.
"You have a girlfriend! Remember? Michelle?" I was really getting mad at this point.
"What we had was special; you couldn't let a little mistake come between us." Before I knew it, the hand was off my arm and replaced by Justin's firm grasp, squeezing in its place.
"Let go of me!" I shouted.
"Let go of her," The voice echoed firmly.
"What if I don't want to?" Justin taunted.
"I'll show you!" Said the guy, and the next thing I knew Justin was under Freddie Benson's hold.
"Freddie?!" I shouted not believing my own eyes. O my gosh. Fredward Michael Benson, pinning one of the strongest guys in school.
I stared in utter disbelief as I realized I had quit breathing, I took a deep breath and pulled Freddie off of Justin. It wasn't as easy as it was before he grew to be 4 inches taller than me.
They were standing at a distance, as I stood between them, scared of the outcome of the situation. Either Freddie would be dead, or Freddie would be dead. I cringed.
"Come on Sam, I'll walk you home," Freddie offered, as if nothing had even happened. He shot me a look to accept his offer. I was speechless so I just nodded and turned to follow Freddie, until we were finally away from the park.
He walked me up the front steps of our trailer, and I cried. So much. I couldn't take it any longer. I cried. I should've loved having Justin call me babe, I should be ecstatic right now, Justin should be standing exactly where Freddie is, but I blew it. And I think I am ok with that.
We were facing each other on my front porch, him just standing in silence as I cried. It was too awkward to put into words, but I couldn't stop the tears as they poured over my cheeks.
"I'm so sorry," he finally said.
"It's not your fault," I choked back.
Freddie just looked at me until he did something that I never would have expected, and normally wouldn't have allowed; he pulled me into a strong hug and I cried into his chest.
After a while I pulled away and wiped away the remaining tears, "Thank you, Freddie."
"No problem," Freddie flashed a smile and disappeared around the corner.
I walked into my home and immediately ran to my room, closing the door behind me. I saw where my letter was opened and felt my cheeks flame red from embarrassment. I read over it, and instead of the wounded feeling that I had earlier I laughed. That's right, laughed at the thought that I really loved Justin. I can't believe I was that stupid.
I saw where Freddie had been looking through my phone as well as the letter, "Snoop." I rolled my eyes.
I was deleting the messages from Justin when I felt my phone vibrate,
Hey Sam, I think I left something out earlier…
-Freddie
Left something out? Like what? I pondered over what he was talking about until I hit the reply button,
Wht? Left wht out of wht? When?
-Sam
I sat there in confusion until my phone vibrated again,
You know, I forgot to tell you something!
-Freddie
Tell me what? I wondered what he would have to tell me,
Tell me wht?
-Sam
I sat in silence until finally I received the most shocking thing I had ever read in my life,
I love you
-Freddie
I was surprised but then I quickly realized that losing Justin might not be so bad. I smiled and texted back,
Love u 2… dork
-Sam
I smiled and pushed send, finally content with losing Justin.