Disclaimer: I neither own Phil of the Future, nor left a tape recorder running in the vice-principal's office.
Lions and Tigers and Bears. Oh, My!
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"Ah, Mrs. Teslow. I'm so glad that you could spare some time in your busy schedule to come down. Please have a seat."
"Neil? It's me, Mandy. What's this all about?"
"Vice-Principal Hackett, please, Mrs. Teslow. This is an official conference."
"Call me Mandy."
"Please sit down, Mrs. Teslow. This conference is to discuss your daughter's distressing behavior in school."
"My Keely? I can't imagine her even ever – what did someone accuse her of?"
"Not just 'someone,' Mrs. Teslow – Me. Today, I observed your daughter displaying the offensive behaviors in public, and as you'll understand, as a reporter for H. G. Wells, Keely's position does not afford her special privileges, but instead I, and Principal Tillywack, hold her up to a higher standard as an example to others. I'm afraid that her career as a reporter here at H. G. Wells is over, regardless. Very sad. She seemed to enjoy it, just not enough to follow the rules. Now, if you'll just sign this, Keely can begin her ten-day suspension immediately."
"Sign? I still haven't heard word one as to what she's been accused of doing."
"Consorting with an undesirable element, violating H. G. Wells's Student Good Conduct Contract that both she and yourself signed at the beginning of the term, and for her third strike, she took a full ten seconds to comply with my directive for her to cease, desist, and go to class."
"Those are charges, but what actually happened?"
"Let me check my notes ... 8:22 this morning, I entered the broadcast room and found your daughter and Phil Diffy kissing. I told them to stop immediately and go to class. They both took ten seconds before they complied."
"So that's why Barbara Diffy is sitting outside?"
"I am a professional, Mrs. Teslow, and as such, I do not talk about students with anyone other than their parents."
Well, I must say that I'm shocked at this behavior. Yes, Vice-Principal Hackett -"
"Please, Mandy, call me Neil."
"You were certainly right, Neil, in calling this to my attention. Most distressing indeed. Things certainly must have changed since I was a girl at this school in ancient times."
"Please, Mrs. Tes – Mandy, it was barely yesterday. You and Keely must be mistaken for sisters often."
"Flatterer! No, I mean it. I've tried to keep up with what happens in school these days, but it's so hard as a single parent. I read the school notices, but it's been years since I've been to a board meeting, let alone a PTA meeting or brought cookies to a class party. Do they still have holiday parties at school?"
"No, sadly those days are gone. Banished by political correctness and a drive to make every minute of instructional time be productive, especially in my classes, which, I must confess in all modesty, utilize every moment for the prospering of young minds without any personal indulgences on my part, unlike some teachers."
"That is a shame."
"Yes, yes, whatever. Huh? Anywho, to return to the crisis at hand, what are you going to do about it, Mandy-Mand? Remember, you did sign the Conduct Contract declaring that you would support the school administration in the disciplining of your child, our student, however permitted by the Ed. Code and the Pickford School Board."
"Why Neil, don't you teach about lions, tigers and bears in school anymore?"
"I'm sorry? I don't follow you."
"Basic biology. My, how times have changed. Why, in my day, we learned about the instincts of these powerful mammals and respected those lessons so we'd not be in peril when we grew up."
"Mrs. Teslow, I – I – I have no idea what you're talking about. Have you been listening to me? I'm talking about your daughter being promiscuous at school and defying my authority, both, I'm afraid, suspendable offenses. What are you going on about?"
"I thought that I was being exceptionally clear, Neil. The Pickford School Board feels that your responsibility is to support these children with an education superior to the teachers that the school board passed over in lieu of you, and they've obviously been led to believe that you were doing a superior job of it in order to promote you to vice-principal."
"Well, yes they - "
"And I suppose that they realized that someday you might prove yourself worthy of becoming a principal -"
"Actually, I've always consider myself a leader. 'District Superintendent Hackett,' it has kind of a nice - "
"- so I imagine they should be congratulated for recycling a special ed. student and putting his bald bulbous head in the driver's seat."
"Man – Mrs. Teslow! I was never in special education! You went to school with me. You know that!"
"Really? Explain it to a Pickford Times reporter so our school board and parents can read about it in the morning edition. Keely and Phil are best friends and have been for years. If Barbara and I don't have a problem with that, then what gives you the right to have an opinion about the person our child chooses to associate with? They were kissing. Surprised? That's what people in love do. If you don't want to watch them at school, then knock before you enter. Keely and Phil have been showing up early for class to prepare for the school's morning announcement for over a year now and so your so-called "displaying the offensive behaviors in public" was a couple, soon to be taxpayers and voters, sharing a kiss while preparing for their daily morning broadcast. Then, your entering the closed classroom, being offended and declaring the kiss behind closed doors a PDA."
"A what?"
"PDA – Public Display of Affection. I'm not as behind the times as you think."
"There's still the matter of her defiance to immediately comply with my directive."
"Yes, it took them ten seconds you said, to stop kissing and go to their class as you asked."
"Precisely."
"Let's see, 'Ladies and Gentlemen,' can you imagine a young girl and her boyfriend working above and beyond in contributing to Herbert G. Wells, preparing for their daily news broadcast and sharing a quick kiss. Our vice-principal barges into the room and tells them to stop and go to their class. Now, assuming that teenage hormones haven't changed that much since we were their age, or for the last ten thousand years, either, we'll afford them two seconds to break away from that kiss, two seconds to process Vice-Principal Hackett's direction, and the remaining six seconds to ponder how they could comply with Neil Hackett's order, to leave and go the their first class – which is where they already were and had been attending first period for over a year in order to deliver the broadcast."
"Now, now, now, uh - "
"You watch the morning announcements, don't you?"
"Yes."
"In fact, you used to deliver the morning announcements until Principal Tillywack replaced you, correct?"
"Well, yes, but -"
"Replaced you with whom?"
"Keely Teslow."
"And what did you do in response? Filed a lawsuit against the school district? Is this the quality of employee the district has confidence maintaining in his current position, or any position at all?"
"Ha-hee-hum. Ah, I can see that there has been a misunderstanding here. If Keely won't be kissing in the broadcast room anymore - "
"From now on, you're going to knock and count to ten before entering the video lab."
"Now see here, I don't think that that's -"
"I SAID 'KNOCK AND COUNT TO TEN!'"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"Do you expect that you and I will be having any more conferences in the future?"
"No, Ma'am."
"And neither will Barbara."
"I – no, Ma'am – I mean, yes, Ma'am!"
"Have a pleasant day, Mr. Hackett, and for your homework tonight, review the first lesson about going after a mother's cub: 'Don't mess with Mama Bear.'"
•BuZZ•
"Miss Desmocker, is Mrs. Diffy there for my next conference?"
"Yes, Vice-Principal Hackett. Shall I send her in?"
"Uh, no. Please express my apologies to Mrs. Diffy; there has been some confusion about the necessity for a conference. Offer her my apologies and give her a complimentary 'Go Astronauts!' bumper sticker."
"Yes, Mr. Hackett."
"And Miss Desmocker, cancel my appointments for the rest of the day. I'm not feeling very well."
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2007/Aug/21