Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon, so you can't sue me! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!! You wouldn't want to anyways I'm broke. This is actually a disturbing one for me. REALLY DISTURBING!! I tried to make myself cry and this is what came from my mind. I KILLED HIM!!!!! how could I?? I'm sorry, I'm trying not to break down, sorry all you Yamato fans, I love him! I really do, but this is what made me most sad so I had to try it. If it makes you feel better, I feel worse then you all right now ( I can't even read this. ::sniff, sniff:: send reviews, threats, comments, complaints, suggestions that I never let this happen again, sob mails to me ...I love him, I didn't mean it, really!Okay, on with it now ::sobbing::
Silent Screams: Memories of my Hero
( memories being recalled. TK kinda loses himself [poor guy]he's having trouble dealing with the loss. Here are the memories of Takeru.){ 'blah blah' is him yelling at himself}
A young boy sits in the corner of his brother's pitch black bedroom. He's alone, as he sits wide eyed, rocking back ad forth. His thoughts confuse him greatly and he struggles against his inner voice. The voice inside tells him it was all his fault, it screams at him as he attempts to make sense of the blur of memories blowing through his mind. His own voice screams at him. At times he shouts out into the empty house and pounds his arms and elbows against the walls and floor to try and block his evil accusing voice out, but it will never work.
I can't believe what had happened that long weekend. Sure we were all going to have a great time, but of course nothing ever goes as we plan when you're one of us. I really can't believe I'm repeating this , it's like hell for me. It hurts for me to think about it, when I close my eyes I can still see him………. my brother…. Yamato….
I can still see his lifeless body lying in front of me where I found him on the street. His deep crimson blood painted the pavement a gruesome shade of red. I nearly died myself when I found him, I remember trying to scream, but nothing came out. I was frozen in my steps, I wanted to help him, 'WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP HIM???' but something told me that it was no use. I should have tried though, maybe….. No it was too late. 'YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED, FOOL!!!!!' Then selfishly I thought of my own life, and almost forgot of him, the one who I looked up to, the one who stood by me no matter what, he risked his life for me countless times and what did I do for him? Nothing. Nothing at all. I let him lie there. 'YOU JUST LET HIM LIE THERE!!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???!!!!' I remembered that there was something wrong out there and for some reason we I had to run, run as fast as I could to get away from it. It wanted me, it wanted me killed. But why? No time for silly questions, just keep running… away…. Away from it…. Away from Matt…. I left my brother's broken body lying there alone in the middle of the street for who knows what to get him.(paramedics)
'HOW COULD YOU?!' He never abandoned me before, so why did I leave him? 'WHY?!?!' was it because I was scared for her? I don't remember thinking that much of myself, but her, she seems to slide into my mind. But how could I have left him, my big brother? He never would have done that! He was a hero to me, he ALWAYS stood by me, he never left me, but I had to leave him. I know for sure now just where he was coming from. I think that I understand him better now, I know that he was the one that knew the true meaning of Friendship. He was my brother, my hero, and I lost him… my friend, my other half and most of all… my will.
My only goal as a child was to impress or please him, I did feel that need, but somehow I knew that he was happy with whatever I did. As we grew, I looked up to him tremendously, he was my inspiration for all I did. He helped me get through and he helped me live. He was the one person, besides her, that I treasured the most and….GONE!…. just like that. It's amazing really, we've all heard this scenario before, but now… now I really knew it. Don't think that bad things will never happen to you. They can happen to anyone, they will happen. I was just one of those people who ignored mortality. I just didn't think. They say you'll never know how much you treasured something until it's gone, but I knew. I knew years before just what he meant to me, and I treasure him even more now. It's because I was so blind to the facts that I didn't grasp what could happen. It wasn't only bad things that *could* happen *to you* . I never realized that "To you" meant, "To anything and ANYONE that was some way involved in your life." That never occurred to me though. Now I know. Now I fear. Now I realize what he felt like when he said he felt alone, even thought we were with him. Now I realize what he felt like when he said he felt unloved. I feel what he felt. I know what he went through, these occurrences have caused me to try and evoke my true, inner self, but as I tired to search for "me" I realized that I had never really knew "me" in the first place. Now I understand what he said when he told me he was looking for his new self, a grown self, the man he was inside. I remember him leaving, and though I told him I didn't need him to protect me, I did need him to be there for me, to be my brother. "YAMATO, I DO NEED YOU TO PROTECT ME!!!!!" When we reunited at long last, thought I was so young, I could see that he did achieve this growth he was looking for. The man inside was now him, my brother, my life. I knew that I had to see what he meant. To find my inner self, the man I was inside. I would do it for him still even though… I would use his strength and his advice to help me along the way.
It's naturally hard for anyone to push through things like this and together with friends and family, we can make it. I can make it… right?
'BUT IT'S A BIG HUGE LIE, YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT TAKERU!!!!!!!!!! IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING!!!! YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!!!! WHY WEREN'T YOU THERE WHEN *HE* NEEDED YOU?!?!?!!? HE WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU, BUT YOU WEREN'T THERE FOR HIM. HE NEVER ASKED YOU FOR ANYTHING, BUT THAT ONE TIME, AND YOU DIDN'T PULL THROUGH!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU TAKERU?!?!?!?!'
Suddenly he bursts out with tears of building rage and fear. He shakes himself violently trying to drown out his own voice.
"NO, IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!! STOP YELLILNG AT ME!! STOP YELLING AT ME!!!! DAMNIT STOP!!!!!! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!!!!! I HATE US!?!!!!? YOU CAN'T TELL ME THE TRUTH, NO ONE CAN, I HATE YOU, STOP, STOP YELLING AT ME….. WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME YAMA-CHAN?!?!?! HUH??? TELL ME WHY!!!! I DO NEED YOU!!! I NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER!!!!!!!!!!! Why can't you hear me………… I SAID STOP!!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! LEAVE ME, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!"
Takeru collapsed to the floor of his brother's old room. His tears fell from his eyes like a waterfall, his nose bled from the rage, terror and the beating he was giving himself. He lay there purposely mimicking the position his brother was in when TK himself found the body. He lay there as quiet and lifeless as he listened to the voices that now filled the room, his clear blue eyes were fixated upon the darkness as the just stared blankly into nothing. The voices stabbed at him and brought memories out as the crashed into his mind.He remembered himself when he was a small child.
**A little blond baby boy sat on spot, playing with his blocks, in the background the sound of a harmonica could be heard. The baby boy tried to stand up, but fell over and began to cry. Suddenly he was lifted by a pair of arms. He stopped crying when he saw the smiling face. "Atta boy!" said the older blond child. He placed his brother back to the ground and began to play his harmonica once again**
**he was a little older now. He held his mommy's hand and looked over his shoulder to see his beloved older brother being taken out of his life**
**he lay in his bed crying. "I wish Matt was here…." He sobbed.**
**going to a summer camp. His brother was different now. Alone. But the eight year old boy was happy to see him.**
** it was snowing. "TK, be careful." **
**falling…. A new land new friends.**
** "Everyone's standing guard." "No, not TK! I'll take his turn."**
** fighting, losses. "TK!!!!!!!!!!!"**
** "Get you hands off my brother!!!!"**
** "I'm not a little kid anymore Matt! I can take care of myself now!"**
** His brother was gone, where did Yama go?**
** "Nah. I just haven't been using as much gel."**
** they're back home, things change. You moved closer to Matt **
** You both have grown up a lot.**
** "How's basketball TK?" **
** "You're a regular girl magnet!"**
** "I say we just go there, and do things our way!"**
** "You mean we can't help our friends?"**
*******************************************
** "You've got a lot to learn about women TK."
** "Good luck, and TK, be careful….."**
*******************************************
**You're running, don't leave him, don't leave him!!***
**"TK…. is….. that you?……"**** you stand there frozen.
'YOU SHOULD HAVEHELPEDHIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
******************************************The screaming in the boys mind began again. It forced it's voices to be heard. They careened off the walls of his mind.
"Atta boy!"
"TK, be careful."
"No, not TK."
"Get your hands off my brother!"
"Leave him alone"
"Don't do it TK!"
"Let him go!"
"TK…. is….. that you?……"
"He..lp..me…." "TK!….." "goodbye…. Takeru-chan….
"Then the screaming of his own evil voice pierced his soul.
'WHY DID YOU DO NOTHING?!!!?!! HE NEEDED YOU THEN!!!!! DON'T YOU REMEMBER ALL THE TIMES HE WAS THERE FOR YOU?!?!?!?! ALL THE TIMES HE PROTECTED YOU!?!?!?! I KNOW YOU DO!!!!!!! I'M INSIDE YOU. I KNOW WHAT YOU THINK, I KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL, I KNOW WHAT YOU REMEMBER!!!! I AM YOU!!!!!!!!! THE WRONG PART!! THE PART THAT NOT EVEN YOU KNEW EXISTED!!!!!' TK smashed himself on the hardwood floor of the room, crying and choking, he could barely breathe against the weight of the past. "DON'T SAY THAT!!!!!!! YOU'RE NOT ME!!!!!" 'OH, BUT I AM. You see, not everyone is totally innocent. And it's only a matter of time before you find out!!!!' "STOP IT, STOP NOW!!!!!!! GET OUT OF ME!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!" 'NO!!!!!!!!! I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE!!!!! I'LL ALWAYS BE HERE!!!!! WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE, I'LL BE HERE TO SCREAM AT YOU!!! WHEN YOU DREAM, I'LL BE THERE TO TURN THEM TO NIGHTMARES!!!, WHEN YOU'RE ASLEEP, I'LL BE THERE TO WAKE YOU!!!!! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU'LL NEVER GET RID OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' "I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!" 'NEVER, I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU ALONE, BECAUSE TK, I AM YOUR LONLINESS!!! I WILL POSSES YOU WHEN YOU LOSE HOPE!!!!!! I AM THE ETERNAL DARKNESS THAT WILL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL, YOU'LL BE PHYSICALLY ALIVE, BUT INSIDE YOU'LL BE DEAD! JUST LIKE YOUR BROTHER!!!! NOT EVEN THE BRIGHTEST LIGHT CAN SAVE YOU' "I DIDN'T KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I COULDN'T HAVE!!!!! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!!!!!! LEAVE MY SOUL!!!!! I SAID LEAVE!!!!!"
Takeru was battered from his emotional battle as he still tried to ignore the voice that laughed at him, laughing, and laughing, it never stops. He cries more as he barely breathes, more like gasps for air. "I need help… but nothing can stop it, nothing can stop me! I have to get out of this place!" he thought. 'STAY RIGHT THERE! I'M NOT LETTING US GO ANYWHERE!' "But I want to!!" he choked. His booming voice seemed to almost shake the building's foundation. 'YOU WILL STAY HERE WITH ME, TO SUFFER WITH ME!! FOREVER.!!!' "NO!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!! HELP!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" He screamed into the room grabbing his blond hair and nearly tearing it out.
"God no! please let him be okay!" she thought as she heard him screaming at himself. This girl would stop but nothing to get to him at this moment. She struggled frantically with the key before shoving the door of the apartment open and running to the room where she heard the screams. She kicked the locked door open and looked into the pitch black room.
All she could hear was the now faint whispers of the boy. "Help me…. get away! Leave me alone now! I said leave me!! GO AWAY!!" he whispered crying hard. The girl flipped on the light. TK jerked his head towards her, eyes wide in fear and soaked with tears.
"God, TK what happened?" she seemed to ask herself as she rushed to his side and lifted him to her and wrapped her arms around him. As soon as he felt her holding him, his eyes snapped shut as if he came out of his trance like state. He gasped for more air and cried harder.
"… I can't leave me alone….. I should have done something… I didn't say goodbye, I can't let go… leave me alone I said to go away…" he tried to scream, but there was nothing left to scream for. "Never TK. I'm never leaving you alone." She soothed as she rocked him gently. "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed to gain control. "It's okay TK, I'm here with you now and nothing will hurt you anymore, not even yourself." She whispered. Suddenly he pulled out of her arms and stared deeply into her caring chocolate brown eyes. "Kari!! I can't let go! I can't do it! I didn't get to say goodbye…I'm Alone…alone….all ,alone.. nothing can save me." he cried. "TK!!!! FOR THE LAST TIME LISTEN TO ME!! look at me!" she ordered. He did as he was told. "TK look. Here I am. I'm here for you, to help you TK. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!" she insisted. He just stared at her with his crystalline blue eyes as if he was beginning to see her point. "TK. you were never alone, I was always here. You can get through this, you must have Hope. I'll be the Light that guides your soul….. I can save you………" she took his hands in hers as he just stared into her eyes. "How? " he asked almost doubting his friend. "Because TK….. I love you. Don't you see? I love you too much to lose you. and I'd do what ever it takes to get you through this. TK, whatever it takes, whatever you do, I'll be right here with you, but please, you have to let him go now. It wasn't your fault. He can't be free until you let him be." she said as a tear drop fell from her eye. TK almost lunged forward as he took her in his arms again. "Kari, I love you. Thank you so much, you saved me…. from myself, my life, you're my life now. I can make it because of you…I can say goodbye now… I can let go…" he whispered in her ear. "Thank you for hearing me TK. Now come on, lets get out of here." She said as they got up and took one last look around room and left.
"Goodbye Oniichan. I'll miss you terribly, but I know I have to let you be free." TK whispered to the sky as they walked down the quiet street.
"I can finally say goodbye to you Takeru. Thank you for letting me go. I'll miss you, but I'll be waiting……….
" Whispered the wind as it softly blew by their ears. "Thank you Hikari. it's your turn to take care of him now. Protect him for me… he's yours now……….."
Kari smiled as the warm breezed caressed her skin and blew gently through their hair. "Goodbye Matt ……."
He smiled down on them from the golden sky above as they continued to walk away into the sunset………….."Goodbye for now………"
End!okay, so it didn't turn out that way for me, but this was just to show you all what the death of a family member can do to you. To all who know this pain I'm greatly sorry for you and I know how you feel, but have hope and please allow others to help you. Never let the light of your soul be extinguished. Don't be a fool like me, listen to others when they try to help you, and don't keep your feelings bottled up.Thank you all who read this, send anything to me yamatoschik@hotmail.comGoodbye for now………..