Just a little note: sorry I haven't really done much here recently, but I had an idea for a new story and decided to run with it. I'm not sure what I'll be doing with it yet, but hopefully it'll be fairly entertaining.

Chapter 1

"Guys, guys, guys!" Stan exclaimed, running along the path to the bus stop and panting as he reached Kyle, Kenny and Cartman, all of whom stared blankly at him before grinning slowly. "You won't believe what I did last night!"

"Well, I guess everyone's gotta find out someday," Kenny sniggered to himself.

"Calm down, dude," Kyle smiled. "What happened?"

"Well, get this," Stan explained quickly and excitedly. "Mom let Wendy come over yesterday, and we did all kinds of fun shit, and then at the end, she kissed me on the lips, and through all that, I didn't even feel sick!"

The other three looked at him with their eyebrows raised and mouths open- well, with Kenny you had to assume. "Pictures or it didn't happen," the hooded boy mumbled.

"Um..." Kyle fumbled for what to say. He didn't want to hurt Stan's feelings, but then again, he didn't want him getting obsessed over Wendy and taking off. "C-congrats, man..."

Something clicked in Cartman's mind all of a sudden. Not really an intelligent thought, but his equivalent, at least. "OK, Stan, listen to me. I think you're in pretty big trouble right now-"

"Look here, fatass," Stan cut in angrily. "I know you hate her, but do I seriously not have a right to have a girlfriend?"

"No, you don't, but that wasn't actually my point," Cartman replied matter-of-factly. "Tell me, what did you two do yesterday?"

Stan shrugged. "Well, we played some Okama Gamesphere... cuddled a little... watched Terrance and Phillip... had pizza... and she kissed me on the lips," he recalled.

A horrified expression spread across Cartman's face. "Mother of God," he murmured, crossing himself.

"What's eating you, fatass?" Kyle sniggered.

When Cartman spoke again, his voice was cold, his expression wracked with disgust. "How could you taint us like this?" he growled.

"Dude, what the fuck did I do?" Stan asked innocently.

"Be silent, aberration," Cartman continued unflappably. "You came unto us and tainted us all with your... cooties." An ominous Hans Zimmer bwom seemed to pierce the air as he said that last word.

"Wow," Stan responded, frowning and folding his arms indignantly. "You're even more of a dumbass than any of us could ever imagine. There's no such thing as cooties." The Hans Zimmer bwom sounded again.

Ignoring him, Cartman drew a magic 8-ball from his bag. "Oh, but they do," he went on, his tone like a preacher. "And it is too late for you... for all of us... you will bring the end of boys in this town... soon, there will be only girls..."

Stan sighed. How long was he going to drag this crap out for? "Look, fatass, cooties" –bwom- "aren't real. They're like the tooth fairy or the Easter bunny, or M. Night Shyamalan's career. They're just things people made up because we think they're funny."

"They aaaaare..." Cartman droned. "Don't you feeeeel the cooties" –bwom- "in you? Infecting you? Taking control of you?"

A little less aggressive in the situation, Kyle interjected, "Can you at least tell us what cooties-" –bwom.

"CAN SOMEONE CUT IT OUT WITH THE FUCKING BWOMS ALREADY?!" Stan squeaked- and couldn't even believe what he'd just sounded like. It was as if his voice was different. Girly. He covered his mouth in panic.

This seemed to bring Cartman's incantations to an end, and he fell about laughing. "THAT'S what they do, Stan! You've got cooties-" –bwom- "and now they're turning you into a girl!" He looked up again before laughing more. "Ooh! Ooh, look, you're getting rosy cheeks and shit!"

Furiously, Stan kicked him in the balls. Cartman let out a pained yell, and then shouted, "THAT HURT, YOU COCKSUCKER!"

"Speak for yourself, Cartman!" Stan replied with a tone he wanted to sound triumphant, but which just sounded even more girly. "I think somebody just got herself some cooties!" –bwom.

Whilst Cartman looked at his crotch, then at Stan, stricken with disbelief, Kyle and Kenny looked at each other, then shuffled just away from the other two.