This is just a one shot that needed to get out of my head after listening to an awesome song full of feels.
Goes without saying, but I don't own Bruce, Tony, Steve, Thor or Alex Clare's music.
Warning for the Feels!
For Science!
Bruce stared at the new message screen for too long, trying to figure out what he could possibly put in that text field that didn't sound like a cheap cop out excuse. He typed a line only to delete it three times before letting out a heavy sigh. Tony deserved better than this. After everything he'd given him and Bruce couldn't even muster the courage of a real goodbye?
"You're such a coward, Banner," he chided himself.
Of course, he knew that already. Just like he knew what would happen if he tried to do this face-to-face. Tony would look at him with that look, the dejected and broken look. He'd put on the usual pouty, puppy dog eyed face that he thought was enough to cover up how truly broken he was. Bruce saw through it, of course. It was a look that you only got after years of being alone, being rejected and neglected by those who should have loved you. They had that in common.
Tony never spoke of his mother, at least not while he was awake, but he told enough in his sleep for Bruce to piece it together. He also didn't speak of his father and, though Bruce knew that Howard had been parent of the year compared to his own father, neglect can be just as damaging as abuse. Neglect just damaged in more subtle ways, in ways that were easier to hide from most.
But Bruce saw it all. He saw how insecure Tony really was. Under the genius, under the billions, under the countless fans flocking to his bed, under the media praise and adoration, the real Tony was still that lonely little boy who never learned how to love himself.
Tony would swear at times that he didn't know how to really love. He made up for that by giving so much. Philanthropy was one thing, but Stark took it to a whole new level. He was constantly giving. His advances in medicine and clean energy were clearly his way of trying to atone for his time as a "merchant of death" and one could easily dismiss the countless charities and nonprofits he funded as good PR. Even his work as Iron Man was all too often credited to an ego stroke. None of that could explain how he took in people like the rest of the Avengers and without a second thought, gave them everything he had and then some.
I know guys with none of that worth ten of you. Steve couldn't have been more wrong about that. The months Tony had dedicated to work out time travel before finally giving up and tracking down Peggy Carter's descendents, purchasing as much of their "old attic junk" as they would allow and digging through it for every scrap of her life he could find to give to Rogers as a birthday gift was proof of that. And he barely even liked Steve.
It was like that for anyone who made it into Tony's close circle. He devoted more than just money, but also his time and energy to each of them. For those he loved, nothing was too far fetched.
And Tony certainly loved Bruce. That was why Bruce needed to run, or maybe, just maybe, it was because he was terrified of loving Tony back.
Every time he tried to think this through, the flood of emotions overwhelmed him. Bruce struggled to keep control, even now. Part of him begged to run into Tony's waiting arms, to give himself over completely, to connect with this man who truly understood him on that level, even if he had no clue.
He knew if he did that, Tony would end up hurt, probably dead. Damn Stark's complete disregard for self preservation. If Tony knew what was good for him, he would have sent Banner packing the first time he destroyed half of the tower. But Tony didn't care about what was good for himself. He put on that he did, that he was hedonistic and selfish, but the truth was, Tony would give up anything, everything if he thought it would make a difference. He'd risk life and limb to convince Bruce to trust the Other Guy.
Bruce knew better though. Even Betty, who the Other Guy wanted to keep safe, ended up hurt at his hands. It was no big surprise that she was happily married to a man who wanted Bruce dead. Everyone eventually came to their senses when it concerned Banner. No matter how much good he had done, it would never change what the Hulk was.
And really, what did he have to offer Tony? Bruce knew he was a genius but with Stark's resources, he could have his pick of the world's brightest minds to choose from. Any of them would come running at the chance to work with his bleeding edge technology and seemingly unlimited resources. Not to mention, as intolerable as he could be at times, Tony was one of the smartest men on the planet. If he really wanted, he could have ten scientists as intelligent as Banner lined up tomorrow.
There were much more reliable heroes for sure. The team had strength and intellect, the ability to command, sight and accuracy. One of the Avengers was a demi-god for fuck's sake. None of the others was likely to attack their own team mate just to prove a point.
Tony was just too stubborn for that, though. Once Stark set his mind on something, there was no changing his path. All Bruce could do was run and hope he had the balls to keep out of Tony's line of sight. Maybe he'd find someone else to dote on, someone less likely to kill him.
All the thoughts turning through Bruce's mind, he still couldn't manage a single line in the open e-mail. Finally, he decided that if his own words wouldn't work, he'd borrow someone else's. He opened a new window and did a quick search. Pulling up a video, he copied the link into his message.
He typed, "I'm sorry. Bruce" and clicked send. He turned off the cell phone Stark had given him and left it on the counter before heading to his gate.
Normally, Tony would have waited until the presentation was finished to check his e-mail, but when his phone buzzed with the notification of Bruce's e-mail, he figured he could multitask. Setting the phone on the podium, he opened up the e-mail to find a simple "I'm sorry" with a link. He knew the subject matter well enough to give this presentation in his sleep, so while his mouth continued on about the importance of clean energy, the blue tooth in his ear played the song Bruce had sent him.
"You know I'm not one to break promises. I don't wanna hurt you but I need to breathe. At the end of it all, you're still my best friend, But there's something inside that I need to release. Which way is right? which way is wrong? How do I say that I need to move on. You know we're heading separate ways."
Tony paled, the enthusiasm draining from his voice and expression as the song played, telling him all the things Bruce wouldn't or couldn't say.
"And it feels like I am just too close to love you. There's nothing I can really say. I can't lie no more. I can't hide no more. Got to be true to myself And it feels like I am just too close to love you So I'll be on my way."
By this point, Tony had stopped speaking. The classroom full of soon-to-be MIT graduates stared, all afraid to say anything.
"You're giving me more than I can return, Yet there's oh so much that you deserve. Nothing to say. Nothing to do. I've nothing to give. I must live without you. You know we're heading separate ways."
Tony wanted to shut it off but he couldn't manage to move. He just stared passed the classroom, at nothing as every fear of being abandoned took over, paralyzing him.
"Feels like I am just too close to love you. There's nothing I can really say. I can't lie no more. I can't hide no more. Got to be true to myself, And it feels like I am just too close to love you, So I'll be on my way"
The song finished and he continued to stare in stunned silence. Finally, one of the students raised a hesitant hand and asked, "Mister Stark? Is something wrong?"
Tony didn't respond. He didn't pick up any of his papers, his mug or the display pieces. He grabbed his phone, turned and bolted out the door.
Notes:
The song quoted here is Alex Clare's Too Close which is an absolutely fantastic, amazing song full of feels. While the original is awesome, I recommend the unplugged version. Less dubstep.
The bit about Tony trying to invent time travel for Steve was inspired by this fantastic comic by GraphiteDoll on DevArt (simply entitled Captain America 2- Go look it up!) where Tony and Bruce make Steve a time machine for his birthday, albeit more successfully than Tony's attempt in this piece.
Bruce's comment about "bleeding edge technology" is a little nod from me to Tony's later suits. Technically, Stark Industries would probably be more leading edge or cutting edge than bleeding edge, but I couldn't resist that little inside reference.
Edit: Two of the reviewers so far have asked about me continuing this, so I figured I would post my answer here.
I don't have a sequel planned, nor will there be more chapters of this. I just wanted to do an angsty, crush-Tony-in-the-feels sort of fic around this song. I will be doing more song fics (I have another 3 in progress, two of which are Stanner) but they'll all be able to stand on their own as scenes inspired by individual songs.
Really though, as much as I'd love Tony to chase Bruce down and bring him back, I find it more realistic in keeping with his character that he'd have another lapse into alcohol, sex and labwork, before eventually adding it to the list of reasons for his serious abandonment issues. As much as he talks the big talk, Stark is pretty insecure when it comes to people leaving him and is more likely to let them and be self destructive over it than he is to chase them. While I like occasionally punching characters I adore in the feels, a long bout of angsty self destruction isn't my idea of fun to read or write.