AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yo! It's been a while since I wrote a Slam Dunk fic after "Rukawa's Revenge". Well, to be fair, I haven't written anything non-academic (urgh...) after that. It takes a lot of self-discipline, I tell you. BUT, just because I wrote this doesn't mean I'm done with acads. Crap, I'm just two forking papers away from graduation and I'm in a forking slump, so there. . Anyway, I have a ton of story ideas lined up already, and they're piling up like mad, so I better post some.
DISCLAIMER: Haven't you read enough of this already? If I made money with this shit, I wouldn't be posting it here. -.- Slam Dunk is not mine. This story is, though. Plagiarize at your own risk.
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I Am NOT a Pervert
By Kumagoro Meowzaki
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It's just not fair, people. I am not who you think I am. I've tried shrugging it off before, and just ignore it, but you know, people have their limits.
I am not a pervert. I deeply resent that. Yeah, sometimes I read porn, watch porn, get erections in class—JUST LIKE EVERY NORMAL TEENAGED GUY DOES. Where are we, in the European Middle Ages or something?
I'm not some sicko who stalks young girls, waits for them outside the school or watches them change for gym class, or waits for panty shots during gymnastics. I don't flash people. I don't have weird fetishes like someone I know who has a KIDNEY fetish. I don't do hardcore S&M, no candles, no whips, nothing like that. I FEEL pain and I DON'T LIKE IT.
So what if I slap my team-mates' ass sometimes? It's not like it's sexual or anything. Do you see a very perverted grin on my face? Does my touch linger for too long that I might be sued for sexual harassment? No, my team-mates have not complained about me giving them the encouraging slap on the back, albeit the lower back, no. And come on, Fujima does it too sometimes, and Maki, and that gorilla Akagi (who looks more suspiciously like a pervert than myself, I might add), but I don't hear you calling them perverts all the time. Where's the justice in that?
And just to clear things up, I don't compare my penis size with others without their knowing. Well, even with their knowing. I don't look there AT ALL. There's nothing going on in the gym after practice hours. At least, not involving me and another Ryonan player or cheerleader. Although I have heard something about Uo—that's off topic. Cough.
And yes, I am well-aware that my smile isn't that nice, but you don't have to call it perverted. It's not cute like that other genki guy's smile in that other anime, but it's so not perverted. I'm just a happy sort of guy, and I like playing basketball. So what? That makes me such a big pervert? I don't have X-ray vision like Superman; when I'm smiling, it doesn't mean I can see through your clothes or even thinking about what's underneath that uniform of yours. Maybe your shirt has a semen stain or something, and I HAVE seen that and smiled about it, because I was too shy to tell the other guy, "Hey, you have semen on your shirt," or to laugh at it out loud in his face. That's just rude, come on.
I am not a shameless flirt either. I don't hit on EVERY SINGLE PERSON I MEET. I have not hit on anyone on the team. I have said that ass-slapping during games is not counted as a hit. If it happens outside the context of the game (which it has not), then feel free to sue for sexual harassment. Ha. Let's see you try.
So people, just stop it. Because of this shit, I may not be able to hit on that ONE person I REALLY saved it for. Well, actually, considering that look he gave me earlier—what, so I like other men, that makes me a pervert? And JUST ME? What about all the other guys out there with their boyfriends (or husbands where it's legal), huh? They're perverts too? Ch. It's just me. WHY, PEOPLE?
Great. Just great.
If I'm not able to get Rukawa, someone's gonna die, and it's not gonna be me.