I forgot to say...
I'm only now starting to watch the show so I'm sure it's nothing new to you. Don't mind me while I'm trying to come to terms with things long past...
I'm hoping to delve more into the show and explore different things. (Among them Finn - Bellamy bromance, which, sadly, doesn't seem to be a thing on here. But so as not to spoil myself I've only been reading fanfic from the early seasons so far...)
Anyways. I figured I might as well put this out there. I wrote it right after the - to me - random change in Finn that led to the massacre. As I already knew there was no coming back from that for him. Only had to change it slightly to stay in canon after "Spacewalker" aired.
...
When Finn snaps, when even the resident lunatic crazy ass killer is shocked at his erratic, terrifying behavior and tries holding him back, it doesn't even register with Finn yet what the hell he is doing. All he can think of is the loss, the pent up fear and worry and the exploding sense of loss and loneliness, the too strong urge of having to protect what little is left.
...
It is not until much later, after Clarke backs away from him, after they all walk back to the remains of the ark in complete silence, that he surfaces out of the depth of whatever fog clouded his brain and he bites down on the inside of his lower lip so hard he draws blood to stop himself from allowing the disgust and despair over his own actions to wash over him and eradicate the last bit of his former self.
...
What the fucking hell happened to him?! (He died, that's what. He got assassinated.)
…
When he realizes what he did, that he unleashed a monster he hadn't known lived inside of him, he knows he can't ever come back from that. Even if he manages to keep that monster at bay, chained up deep inside of him, it will forever be there. It has tainted everything.
18 people lost their lives because of him. They will forever stay dead. He massacred them, and his soul. There is no coming back from that.
The repercussions, the terror and grief he caused— The thought makes his throat constrict; his heart feels like it is about to implode. He knows he has to face the guilt but it is so damn hard. How can he ever live with what he has done? Anguished, he kneels down, burying his face in his hands.
He can't...
There is only one way to stop a war between them and the grounders. What he did (they call it a massacre, and they are right, but…), it is the reason his people are in this dire position, that they are all in danger.
Clarke.
His reflection in her eyes shows just a boy, but the terror in her expression tells him what she really sees.
He clenches his teeth, disillusioned, empty.
He thought he had lost everything. Everyone. He thought that Clarke was being tortured, or worse. That they were all just bait to those people and that life was...
No, he doesn't get to make excuses. He has fucked up beyond recognition. He snapped so bad he can't even comprehend it. Straight out of left-field, that's what it feels like, and suddenly his life is completely derailed.
He wants to believe this isn't him. But it is. It has always been inside of him. Must have been...
Innocent people died because of him. Children… He doesn't deserve to continue living among his own. He will only endanger them.
He can't even trust himself. He feels so defeated, desperate. Alone.
It has always been him, the lost one. Not them. Not his people. Not Clarke.
Just Finn.
Now he won't ever be found.
...
He loves her. Clarke Griffin entered his life when he believed he would never see his girlfriend, his first love again. He had forced himself not to dwell on that feeling of loss, to look ahead instead. And then he saw her, the beautiful princess, and before he really knew what was happening, his heart had already decided that she was special, that he could love her. That he did. (He does.)
Not all was over after all and life on earth held promises of its own. It hadn't been so hopeless anymore.
But then…
...
He doesn't understand how it could turn into something so dark.
Now Clarke is disgusted by him, or shocked at the very least. Disappointed. Appalled by his actions. His murders. He is a monster. He can't stand to see that in her eyes. He can't stand himself, having to be with himself.
All he ever wanted was a peaceful place to live, to roam free without constraints. The Ark sent them all down here, to earth, to fend for themselves.
Finn failed.
It is time to pick up the pieces, to try and do something to right the wrongs. It will never be enough, he is painfully aware of that, but he has to try regardless. This is not about him anymore. His story is, sadly, over. He knows it. He'll be a footnote in the others' stories. And he is strangely okay with that. All he wants now, is for them to be okay, to continue on with their tales.
...
He walks up to the grounders, head held high, admitting defeat. Surrendering.
He is walking to his own execution, there is no doubt about that. It won't be pleasant, he knows it. All he hopes is that he'll be able to make it without screaming out too much. Maybe he'll pass out sooner rather than later, sparing himself the worst. But it's unlikely and of course he doesn't deserve it.
There's no easy way out for someone like him.
This has to end. He can't do this much longer. He wants to die. (No, he doesn't. It's just, he doesn't know how to continue on...)
He has become someone he can't live with. Someone he can't forgive.
He was once the spacewalker that had never actually taken that walk, just made a dream come true then saved a life. The kid that liked to roam around, liked to help people. The free spirit with the many dreams and hopes and ideas. The one who hated violence.
Now, he is the merciless killer, the bringer of war.
No. He will become the bringer of peace. (He has to see it that way, he has to, because otherwise...)
...
As he sees his people in the distance, he feels awkward and terrified, his guilt and shame for the world to see, and he is ready for it all to be over. But he is also so very scared. He wants to live. He wants to live. He's not ready yet to die, but he also can't live with himself anymore. It's all a jumble of paradox feelings tearing him apart. It's too much.
And then he sees her emerge out of the masses, headed toward him, and it's a miracle he doesn't break down in sobs, bound to the pole, waiting for his painful death, but she is here, and he at least gets to say goodbye.
His heart aches, his throat is barely working when he sees what he has done to her, too. He's hurt her too much. All he wanted was to protect her, save her, find her. But what he did…
He shudders as she hugs him, her touch a consolation he didn't know he needed. And then she speaks.
She says she loves him. After everything he put her through, she understands his confused logic, sees behind the jumbled mess, sees him. One last time, she opens her heart to let him in, and it is more than he could have hoped for.
Consolation. Salvation.
He clenches his jaw against the pain. The tears in her eyes… The tears in his.
She doesn't have to forgive him. He knows she can't. Because he can't either. But knowing that she loves him despite what he did, means everything. Proves that he is still in there. Not just the monster.
Just Finn. The boy worth loving.
He will be okay, she says. It will all be okay. The way she says it... He doesn't have to ask what he can't bring himself to ask. He could never place that burden on her.
But then he feels a sudden pain pierce his chest and he instantly knows what she is doing. She understood. He didn't have to say anything.
"Thank you, princess," he whispers as she saves him from what he was so afraid of: the torture, the pain, but most of all: himself, from having to live with an impossible guilt, and all he hopes is that she will come out of it alright.
It's just a few seconds between the moment she pierces his heart and his death, but to him, there lies forever in between.
As the life drains out of him quickly he spirals down into new worlds and images before he's even left this earth. Pictures, images of happier times… the sky, vast, the trees, so green, rain on his skin, a sweet smell in his nostrils. Raven's smile as she floats out into space for the first time.
Clarke. Her touch against his skin. Her hair against his face, his head sinking against her shoulder, breathing her in one last time.
Clarke...
Finn's mind grows calm, acceptance washing over him in waves, Clarke the anchor that holds him in place.
Then… peace. Finally.
It is over.