I'll Try

I'll Try

Disclaimer: Only my stuff is mine.

A/N: So, this is my first SG-1 songfic. Yay! I heard this song the other day and it was absolutely perfect! So I had to do it.

Now, this isn't the kinda thing I normally write…seeing as it actually takes place during events that happened in the show. But, just because I'm me…Janet isn't dead. I hated the fact that she died, so I will continue to deny it. Also, General Hammond is still there and David Deluise's character does not exist.

Big spoilers for "Lost City" (2) and "New Order" (2). Small spoilers for "Solitudes."

Despite beginning appearances it is not angsty!! I promise…my shipper heart can't handle angst. So, even if it seems all 'angsty-badness' it's very shippery in the end! I promise!!

So…Love Much and…

ENJOY!!

Sam reached her hand up, wanting more than anything to touch his face. Instead, her fingers met the cold unforgiving surface of the…whatever it was. Glass, ice…she didn't know. All she knew was that it was between her and the one thing she wanted more than anything in the world. The one thing she couldn't have. The one thing she couldn't save.

Daniel looked down at his friend and noticed the tears gathering in her eyes. She was trying valiantly to swallow them…but she couldn't. The crystal liquid spilled over and down her cheeks. She squeezed her eyes shut and bowed her head; hand never leaving the surface above his face. Daniel looked back up at Jack.

He could feel his own tears prickling at his eyes, but the sadness he felt was very different from the sadness he knew Sam was feeling. When he had lost his wife, the very same sadness had filled his being; eating him up from the inside. But…that was different too. Sha're had become a Goa-uld. She, herself, was dead.

But, Jack wasn't. He was stuck and Daniel had a feeling that that made it all the harder for Sam. She would try to solve the problem; try to save him. Try to believe that there was still hope.

Sam turned away from her friends and let her hand drop back to her side. She hurriedly wiped away the tears and turned back to Daniel and Teal'c.

"We should go." She tried so hard to make her voice strong. She had to be strong. For her friends. For herself. She couldn't let them see just how much this was destroying her.

I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn't let them down now
Mustn't let them see me cry.

The trip back to the base was a long one. Sam was sitting in the back of the plane; staring out the window. Looking down at the ice she was reminded of the last time she was stuck on Antarctica with the colonel. He had been so hurt…

She couldn't save him then, either. Just like she couldn't save him now. Daniel had been the one to come up with idea that there was a second stargate on Earth.

Ironic that six years later she was in a similar situation. Except…it didn't look like Daniel was going to have any brilliant ideas this time. Or Teal'c, for that matter.

Daniel stood up and made his way to the back of the plane. Sitting next to Sam, he folds his hands in his lap and looks over at her.

He narrows his eyes searchingly. "Hey, Sam. You okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." She answered too quickly. She glanced up at Daniel and he saw the unshed tears still glistening in her eyes.

"Sam, we'll get him back. We always do."

"I know." She smiled sadly, not believing him.

I'm fine.
I'm fine.

"Sam…you know he…" Daniel took a deep breath, knowing he was moving into dangerous territory. "You know Jack really--,"

Sam held up her hand. "Don't Daniel." She shook her head wearily. "I'm sorry. I just can't…please, just don't."

I'm too tired to listen.
I'm too old to believe:
All these childish stories.
There is no such thing as faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.

Daniel nodded. "Okay…I'll just leave you alone then." He stood up slowly and made his way back to Teal'c.

"How is she coping, Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c asked quietly.

Daniel sat down with a tired sigh and scrubbed a hand over her face. "Not good. She loves him, Teal'c. She really loves him."

"I believe O'Neill returns her feelings." Teal'c nodded.

"She doesn't." Daniel said, a slight hint of contempt in his voice. Neither of his friends could see how deeply they cared for one another. He glanced back at Sam. Her head was leaning against the window and the expression in her eyes was heartbreaking.

"Do you believe we will save him, Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c asked after a moment. The tone in his voice was slightly tentative; as if talking about it aloud might change something.

Daniel briefly closed his eyes and shook his head slowly. "I don't know Teal'c. I really don't know."

"What does Major Carter believe?"

"She doesn't think we will." Daniel said bitterly. He hated knowing what this was doing to her and not being able to help. He hated not being able to tell her how Jack feels about her.

"That is out of character for Major Carter." Teal'c bowed his head slightly and looked out the plane's window.

"What do you mean?" Daniel turned to look at his friend.

"One year ago, when O'Neill and Colonel Maybourne were trapped offworld, she never gave up hope. She spent many days and nights searching for him. It does not seem like her to give up so easily." Teal'c nodded his head as he spoke, as if to emphasize their hidden meaning.

"I read that report." Daniel said. That had happened when he was ascended. "Dr. Lee said that Sam's behavior was erratic."

"It was indeed." Teal'c paused as if deciding if he should say what he really wanted to say. "What the report does not say, Daniel Jackson…was another aspect of Major Carter's emotional response."

Daniel waited, but Teal'c didn't san anything else. "What do you mean, Teal'c?" he prodded lightly.

"I discovered Major Carter in the locker rooms one night. She was crying." Teal'c gave Daniel a meaningful look. Daniel nodded.

"I think…this is different, Teal'c." Daniel said slowly, frowning. "Because this has happened before we know what happens. We know that if the Asgard hadn't removed the Ancient's knowledge, Jack would be dead. And…since we haven't been able to get a hold of the Asgard…Sam doesn't think there's any other way."

"Do you believe there is?" Teal'c raised his eyebrow and gave the archaeologist a calculating look.

Daniel opened his mouth to answer, but frowned and shut it again. He shrugged and looked at Teal'c helplessly. "Maybe. I don't know. But…if there is…we don't have it."

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

Sam heard Daniel and Teal'c's quiet voices drifting back to her. She couldn't make out their words, but she knew what they were talking about. She shook her head, trying to tune them out.

He was gone. Gone. How could he be gone? How could he survive all of what he's survived and be killed by some long-dead culture's knowledge? If this wasn't tearing at her heart so much, she might appreciate the irony of the situation. Colonel O'Neill…the man who pretended to de dumber than what he actually was…was killed by knowledge.

Sam shook her head violently. Not killed. He wasn't dead. He was just…frozen.

She squeezed her eyes shut. "We will find a way. I will find a way. I'll bring you back." She muttered, her hands clenching into fists. But even as the words passed her lips they felt like lies. They tasted like empty promises.

Why couldn't the others see what was really going on? How can they insist that we can save him? Damn the Asgards! Where the hell were they? Why could they come for Earth's help whenever it suited them, but they couldn't be there when Earth needed their help? How could they be so selfish?

I try,
But its to hard to believe.
I try,
But I can't see what you see.

She thought back to her words under the ice. 'Don't you dare leave us now. We won. Colonel!' she grabbed his chin and turned him to face her. 'Please…Jack.' She begged him not to leave them. Not to leave her.

Her last words to him had been his name.

I try
I try
I try

The plane landed several hours later and the remaining three fourths of SG-1 climbed into the car that would take them back to the SGC. Sam sat in the back by herself with Daniel and Teal'c in the middle. She stared at the front passenger seat, wishing desperately that the colonel's familiar head would appear. He would turn around and make some smartass comment that would make her laugh.

Things would be normal. He would be here. And her world wouldn't be lying in pieces.

My whole world is changing,
I don't know where to turn.
I can't leave you baby,
But I can't stay and watch the sitting burn;

Watch it burn.

Dammit, she hadn't wanted to leave him! She would have gladly sat down in that chamber for the rest of her life, just so he wouldn't be alone. Just so she wouldn't be alone. She knows Daniel is talking; saying something just to fill the silence. Teal'c is responding and neither of them is looking for her to participate. They're doing this for her.

She thanks God for her friends. If these two men were gone too, she would have nothing. Just their unwavering presence and stalwart protection of her was enough to keep her somewhat grounded. She wasn't alone.

Sam closes her eyes and finally lets her feelings have full reign. In the backseat of the darkened car, she finally lets herself cry. She finally lets herself feel what she doesn't want to feel. She lets herself admit that she loves him. That she's loved him from the minute she saw him. That, no matter what, she will always love him with all of her heart.

What she doesn't let herself feel, though, is his loss. He's not gone. He's still alive. She tries to believe that they'll find a way to bring him back. It was like Daniel said…they always do. So why does this time feel so different?

'Cause I try,
But its so hard to believe!
I try,
But I can't see where you see.
I try.
I try

She can feel their stares as she sits silently at the briefing room table. She knows she should be contributing to the briefing…but she can't bring herself to do it. Daniel, Teal'c, Major Davis, and General Hammond are there. So is Janet.

Sam can't remember why Janet is there, but she is grateful when her friend reaches under the table and gently squeezes her hand. Sam meets the doctor's eyes and has to struggle to fight the tears again. She knows that Janet knows she has feelings for the colonel…and her quiet support is enough to send Sam spiraling again. She doesn't deserve friends like this.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The next few months blur together. Just one long string of eating, sleeping, and working. Sam only allows herself the indulgence of feeling at night, when she's in her quarters with the door locked. Her friends stop by to talk, or help her search for the answers, or to make sure she's eating. But they know that on the nights that she isn't in her lab are her private nights when she can be honest with herself in the privacy of her own room.

They also know that she hasn't left the mountain since the incident.

I try and try,
To understand,
The distance in between:
The love I feel,
The things I fear,
I dearly say good dream.

Pain erupts in her head as Fifth slides his fingers into her skull. She wants to scream, but won't give him the pleasure. He's transferring his own memories into her mind and she squeezes her eyes shut. Pain…there's so much pain…

And then it's Jack's face that swims in front of her. 'He's in my memories!' she realizes with a burst of anger. How dare he look at his face? How dare he think he has the right to make her remember?

Sam screams then. She screams long and loud and Fifth jumps. He hadn't expected that. He had brought Colonel O'Neill's face into her mind for comfort. He felt horrible for hurting her and he had only wanted to help soothe the pain.

He remembered the way Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter had looked at each other. He could identify that human emotion. He felt it himself. Love.

But, her reaction was not what he expected. What had gone wrong? Fifth pulled away and she collapsed, unconscious, against the wall.

"Do not worry." He spoke quietly, gently lifting her and setting her in the wall. The blocks formed around her, holding her upright.

Fifth pushed his hand into her head again, but she didn't notice. "I will create you a world in which we can be happy." He murmured to her. She took a shuddering breath and he let himself into her mind.

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

Sam whipped around, the feeling of hair so real on her shoulders. But it wasn't real. None of this was real. She turned blazing eyes on Fifth.

"No matter what you feel for me, I will never love you back! Kill me if you want, but if you have even one shred of humanity in you…if you really love me…you'll let me go."

He stares back at her, tears gathering in his eyes. There is no pity or love in hers…just anger. He can't stand to see her look at him with such hatred. He curses himself silently. Her heart already belongs to someone else. Someone who is out there right now, looking for her…trying to save her.

She turns away from him and something in the replicator breaks. He yanks his hand from her mind and transports her unconscious form onto the planet. He knows they will find her.

But he also vows that this isn't over.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

She feels hands on her shoulders and blinks up at the dark figure above her. 'Teal'c.' she thinks sluggishly. She opens her mouth to say something when someone else appears above her.

No. It can't be.

It is.

Thoughts try to reassemble themselves in her violated mind. He's alive….Jack…her Jack…is kneeling next to her. His hand rests on her thigh.

"You okay?" he asks a slight, relieved smile dancing on his lips.

Sam stares up at him, trying to convey so much in her gaze. "Glad to see you, sir." She wants to tell him that she loves him. That she's always loved him…but she doesn't. That can wait until they're alone.

"Likewise." The tone of his voice and the look in his eyes tells her he's thinking the same thing.

Sam notices the look that passes between Daniel and Teal'c, but doesn't say anything. She just continues to smile at her CO…and he, back at her.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Sam jumps when she hears her doorbell. Janet had sent her home to get some rest with a heavy duty prescription for the headache Fifth left her with. She gets up and walks slowly to the door. Looking through the peephole, she's startled at the familiar face looking back at her.

"Sir." Sam opens the door and steps aside letting him in.

"Carter." He greets and steps inside. She closes the door and is met by his searching stare. He's looking her up and down; making sure she's okay. "How're ya feeling?"

"I'm fine." When he gives her that 'cut the crap' look she sighs and makes her way back to the couch. "Just a massive headache, but…that's nothing new."

He follows her and after a moment's hesitation sits down next to her. "I'm sorry." Jack says quietly, turning slightly to face her.

"Sir?" Sam asked.

"Daniel, Teal'c, General Hammond, and Doc Frasier all accosted me earlier today…and told me some very interesting things." Jack started, a hint of a smile on his features.

Sam stared at him. What the hell had they told him?

"They pretty much accused me doing some things…that I have no recollection of doing." Jack raised his eyebrows.

"Oh?" Sam asked, silently kicking herself. "Like what?"

"Slowly killing you." He said bluntly.

"What?" Sam's head snapped up and her eyes widened.

"Carter, I know you haven't left the mountain since…Antarctica." Jack gave her a concerned gaze. "And you've lost weight."

Sam averted her eyes and felt a slight blush creep into her cheeks. He shifted closer to her.

"Sir, it's not your fault. I just couldn't…I couldn't stop." She gave him a pointed look and he nodded his head.

"Ah." He looked closely at her. "Thank you, Carter." She looked up at him. "Thank you for not giving up."

"I almost did." Sam blurted quietly. She met his gaze. "But I couldn't. I couldn't stand to think that I would never see you again…or hear your voice…" she stopped and shook her head.

His eyes roved over her face and locked onto her eyes. There was so much pain there. "C'mere." He lifted his arm and she immediately leaned into his side. Her head resting on his shoulder and an arm thrown over his waist, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. "I guess you don't know until you think it's too late."

He felt her breath hitch and she turned her face to look up at him. "Sir?"

"I almost missed my chance. I actually did, for awhile there." He looked down at her and gently wiped the pad of his thumb over her cheeks. He hated it when she cried.

Sam looked up at him and wondered if he was saying what she thought he was saying. "Sir--,"

"I don't wanna wait anymore, Sam." The use of her first name caught her off guard. Her eyes widened as she looked up at him and saw the torrent of emotions running across his face.

She knew playing dumb would hurt more than help. Leaning back slightly so she could look at him better she said, "I don't either."

I can finally see it.
Now I have to believe:
All those precious stories.
All the world is made of faith,
And trust,
And pixie dust.

He smiled and ran his fingers along her jaw. "I love you."

Sam smiled. That was pure Jack. None of the gushy stuff men thought women wanted to hear. Just the three words that meant more to her than anything in the world. The three words that she could hold onto forever; that meant she could have what she wanted. What they needed.

"I love you too." She continued to smile. His eyes lit up and his trademark 'cat ate the canary' smile spread across his lips.

Gently taking hold of her face he leaned forward and captured her lips in his. She relaxed into him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. His hands trailed through her hair, down her neck, and, finally, wrapped around her back; closing the space between them.

They broke apart only when the need for oxygen rendered them breathless. He didn't loosen his hold on her though, but merely held her closer when her head rested on his chest. He lowered them carefully until she was lying next to him on the couch.

Sam grabbed a fistful of his shirt and buried her face in his chest. His strong arms were still around her; her safety.

So I'll try,
'Cause I finally believe!
I'll try,
'Cause I can see where you see!
I'll try.
I'll try!
I'll try
I'll try
To fly.

As they both dropped off into an easy much needed sleep, they held each other close. They knew this was real. They knew that nothing had ever been more real. After everything they had been through…it was the realization of how close they were to losing the other that made them see how truly important love was.

And how waiting might destroy any chance you have of achieving it.

The End

A/N: I don't think this turned out the way I wanted it to. Please R&R!!

Song: "I'll Try" by Jonatha Brooke