In the Shadows
also known as 'Unseen'
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine(siiiiigh). They all belong to Yoshihiro Togashi by legal means, etc, etc, etc...
I stood there, in the middle of the dark, cold night, hearing nothing but the drops of rain falling from the outside. I felt an unexplained pain pass through me as I feel the tension and mixed feelings of my comrades. My friends.
I tried to look at them, one by one. But I can't bear it. Everybody was looking somewhere else, trying to look away from the pain they see about them but feel inside. Trying to hide the sadness and anger surging inside them; surpassing them, wave after wave; by turning away and closing their eyes. Everybody refused to speak, or to break the terrible silence that bound them together for now.
They know too well that talking or trying to talk will not help lighten up the situation.
I felt my heart break as I silently observe them. I wanted to speak, to approach and comfort them, like I used to, that it's alright. That not all is lost, that we still have each other. But I didn't.
I know. It won't help either. Nothing will.
This loss is the greatest one they have experienced so far. It was too much. Even if I try to assure them, nobody will listen to me.
Besides. Who's going to believe me? Who's going to smile up at me and say, 'You're right...' when I tell them that everything will be fine?
I am not dealing with children here. These are killers, thieves and liars, standing in front of me, mourning for the loss they have had for the night. Their thinking and attitude have somehow been hardened by their way of life, and they have given on the children's dreams of hope and love. This is why their lament is too strong to be eased by just verbal comfort.
I cursed my own helplessness in this situation. I used to be the one they approached to talk to. Someone everybody could approach, if not talk to. Someone whom they know who understands them, even if they don't say a thing. Someone, at which by just a look at the eye, could tell you that 'You're not alone'. I felt the responsibility of maintaining the bond in the company. I felt the pain of the whole situation on my shoulders, added with my own.
I was supposed to make them feel better. I was supposed to help them ease that burden on their shoulders. But I can't.
I don't know if you have an idea of how painful it is. You can see your life, your friends, your everything, breaking into misery and pain, right in front of you. You can feel the pain, the tension, and the sadness washing over everything as you watch them turn away and try to cope with their own personal agenda and burdens. You can feel their desperation, their pleas for help. And what pains you more is facing and accepting the fact that even if you try, you cannot help them. That you can be of no comfort or shelter for them.
I bit my lip and trembled as I saw them, one by one, walking away. I felt ny hear sink as I saw them take each painful step away from this room full of sadness, frustration and angst. I accepted defeat as I saw them one by one, giving in the heavy weights and trudging on the paths laid down in front of them. I knew that these burdens they carry should be shared, especially with me, but they too have accepted that they are defeated by death.
"So... you're here too..." a voice behind me whispered softly. It was a faint and hoarse, but calm. It was the first voice to break the painful silence of the room.
"Yes... I've just arrived." I answered back to the familiar voice. I heard footsteps approaching me as a middle-aged man sat at the crate in front of me, looking out the lonely moon outside the nearby window.
"What do you intend to do?" he asked, not looking at me.
"I intend to wait for them, Ubo. Just like you did." I told him gently, sighing.
For a moment, we contented ourselves with the silence that filled the room. The rain has stopped and the outline of dawn can now be seen through the buildings of Yorkshin.
"Can you bear it?" he asked thoughtfully. "It will take a long time for them to know. Or they might even never know. Can you bear to be with them, Paku? In the shadows, where they can't see you? Where they don't know that you are them, secretly watching and guiding them, and feeling their pain? Can you survive watching them go through all this, and accept that there is nothing you can do to comfort them? Can you, in this shadow?"
"Yes, Ubo. Intend to do that. After all, they have been my life. I can't just abandon them..." I replied. I looked at window, at the sky, which was starting to turn red. "I will do what I can to help them. They're my reason to live. And to die. And even after death, I am bound to them."
Ubogin gave out a hearty laugh. It's been a while since I've last heard one from him. It helped lightening up the situation. I smiled at the thought.
"You're right, Paku." he said, standing up and stretching out his arms. "We need to look after them, after all. It's just right that we do so. Because even after our deaths, they don't let us become just a 'memory', as dancho would call it."
I never thought that death could cause so much pain. I never thought that it could be such a burden. I always thought that after death, the pain you felt in your last living moments will disappear, only to find out that you will experience more of it as you fall into the shadows. But what has bound me to life is still bound to me even to death. The Genei Ryodan has been my family for as far as I can remember, and I have promised myself to protect it at all costs. I intend to keep that promise, at all costs. Even if I had to watch them silently from the shadows, or to help them without being given credit or if I had to silently brood over my frustration on my helplessness to comfort them while they are in pain. Because I have learned to hope that one day, after all this is over, they will see me watching and guiding them silently, always from the shadows.
+^+owari+^+