Hey! Ravenstar88 here. Thanks for clicking on this story. This is a challenge for FizzyClan - my amazing forum that you should definitely go check out - and was originally intended to be a one-shot, but I'm thinking about adding more chapters in the future. It's also supposed to be a troll-fic, but it's a bit more of a parody... Hope you enjoy! R&R.
Disclaimer: Roses are red, violets are blue, I no own, You no sue.
Challenge Prompt - Basically the stupidest story you can write. Doesn't have to be bad grammar, but I'm not against it. It can be multi-chapter, but has to be over 500 words. Have fun!
Scourge was quite put-out.
He wasn't exactly sure where he was. He didn't believe in any afterlife, so he was suspended in limbo. Limbo was a boring place, all blackness. At least it wasn't all whiteness. But still. There weren't even any waffles. At the very least, he thought that an after-life should have waffles. And pop-tarts.
He then had a horrible vision of himself, with two pop-tarts taped to each side and rainbow streamers tied to his tail, running around a tiny room as incredibly annoying music played and a few Nofurs pointed something black and bulky at him that stood on three legs. For some reason, the words 'Real Life Nyan Cat' seemed to go along with the terrifying image. He shuddered.
Okay. Maybe pop-tarts were overrated.
But back to the point. Scourge was quite, very, extremely, magnificently, go-on-a-killing-rampage-of-tiny-innocent-kits, put-out.
IT WASN'T FAIR!
That mousebrained tom, Firewhatsit, had cheated. He, Scourge, had murdered him easily. And then, the tom-who-just-wouldn't-die-already had to come back from the dead. And then he killed Scourge.
So why wasn't he coming back from the dead to kill Firethingy?
"I DESERVE NINE LIVES!" He screeched suddenly. "I'M A BETTER LEADER THAN HE'LL EVER BE! I KILLED TIGERMOUSEBRAIN! I KILLED FIREFOXDUNG! I AM SCOURGE!"
Scourge waited. Maybe the universe would realize what a horrible mistake it had made, and send him back to life.
He waited a little longer.
Still nothing.
"UNIVERSE!" He yowled. "I DEMAND THAT YOU FIX THIS! RIGHT NOW!"
Nada. Zilch.
Scourge frowned. "At least you could give me a waffle?"
A plate appeared, with a hot waffle drenched in butter and syrup.
Scourge took a bite.
"Pftphft!" he spat it out immediately. "Whole grain!"
Scourge had a feeling that the universe was laughing at him. "I really hate the universe," he declared.
"Don't worry, the universe hates you too!" Said a cheerful voice.
Scourge let out a very un-tom-ly shriek, and sprang backwards, staring in horror at the she-cat who had just appeared in front of him. She was white with black tiger stripes, wings, a glowing white circle hovering above her head, and pale yellow eyes that were staring gleefully back at him.
"Hi!" she chirped.
"What… what are you?" Scourge stammered.
"Oh, I'm an Angelcat!" she meowed delightedly. "We Angelcats work for the universe! It's the best job ever! We can look however we want to look, do whatever we want to do, and have whatever we want to have. All we have to do in return is do whatever the universe wants us to do! I've been assigned to you."
"What do you mean you've been assigned to me?"
She shrugged carelessly. "I've been assigned to keep you occupied here in limbo. You can't go to StarClan or to the Dark Forest, because you aren't a Clan cat. You can't go to Kitty Isle or to Downstairs, which is where all the kittypets, loners, rogues, etc. go, because you don't believe in afterlife. So you're here!"
"Well, how do I get out of here?" Scourge snapped.
"That's the thing! You can't!" she said, sounding much too happy. "The universe doesn't like you, remember!"
Scourge stared at her for a moment. His left eye twitched. "THEN TELL THE UNIVERSE TO LIKE ME!" He shrieked.
She giggled – how, when cats cannot giggle, we may never know. "Oh, this job is so fun! I love it already! Although, I suppose you technically could leave… if you can believe in an afterlife."
"Okay! Great, we're getting somewhere. I need to believe in an afterlife." Scourge paused. "How do I do that?"
She cocked her head for a moment, studying him.
He waited.
She looked as though she was thinking.
He waited.
"Hmm… we-ell…. I suppose you could talk to someone who did believe, and they could try and convert you. You know, like when people try to convert others to communism!" She said importantly.
No. Scourge didn't know. But he figured if he said that, he'd never get anywhere with… "Wait, what is your name?" he asked. "And are you going to convert me then?"
"Oh! Yes! I totally forgot, sorry!" she exclaimed. "I'm Tigris. And I can't convert you. It's against the oath that I had to solemnly swear to so I could be an Angelcat. But I can bring someone else who can!"
Scourge looked at her.
Tigris looked right back at him.
"Well?" he asked impatiently.
She frowned. "Well, what?"
"AREN'T YOU GOING TO BRING SOMEONE WHO CAN CONVERT ME SO I CAN GET AWAY FROM YOU, YOU INSANE SHE-CAT?!" He screamed.
Tigris's eyes widened and began to fill with tears. "I'm n-not ins-sane," she sniffed, her voice quavering.
Scourge took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "No, of course you're not," he said, still slightly sarcastically. "But can you bring someone now?"
She sniffed again. "I guess so."
Tigris clapped her forepaws together, spun around, light flashed, and…
...
…
…
"YOU CHOSE HIM!?" Scourge shrieked. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he noted that he'd been doing a lot of shrieking, probably more in limbo than he'd ever done out of it. "OUT OF ALL THE CATS YOU COULD'VE PICKED – TIGERSTAR?!"
Tigerstar growled. "Where am I?!" he demanded.
"Oh, you're in limbo!" Tigris squealed.
Scourge wondered if there as an option for non-believers to simply stop existing altogether.