I have never understood the distinction between love and friendship, I'm not even sure I understand what a real friendship is. This has never particularly bothered me though because twice in my life I have been captivated by the beauty of a girl. The first girl still haunts me, I see her face everywhere, and I am constantly reminded of her. The second girl, however, is ever so precious to me. She is perfection even with her flaws. She is exactly what I want and I find it so difficult to look away from her. She is so innocently cute.
In this journal I want to tell a story now many years old. My name is Shizuma and I am now 23. I feel it is important that I write this story whilst I remember it clearly.
My first real relationship was always doomed; I knew that, she knew that, Miyuki knew that but still is pursued it and was happy at the time. This happiness and contentment was not going to last forever and I was never under any illusion it would but that didn't stop me. I still fell for the pretty face and beautiful personality. She was cute and took my breath away the first time I saw her.
For her I was willing to do anything. She was weak and for the most part helpless but I couldn't leave her alone in her suffering. Both myself and Miyuki wanted to make her short term school experience the best it could be, even entering the Etoile election to ensure she was happy and busy being a teenager. She helped me to mature a little I think, showed me what life was for but I didn't realise this fully until I met the second girl when I was 18.
I entered the election with Kaori understanding that even if we won I would have to be the sole Etoile until the elections were next held. This I did willingly though as Miyuki had been hinting for me to enter for many years by this point. I knew I could do a good job, alone or with someone by my side. I knew once Kaori was gone Miyuki would be there to help.
The day she left I felt my heart freeze over. I felt trapped in my existence. I didn't want to be Etoile any longer. It reminded me too much of her and that hurt me. I was sad for such a long time, neglecting my duties as Etoile didn't seem like such a big deal. I no longer saw it as a necessary role, after all the schools council was there to arrange things and Miyuki was there to pick up what I started. I didn't was to be the one to welcome new students like her, I didn't want to keep the greenhouse tidy and pretty, I didn't want to solve disputes, I didn't even want to be revered by the entire student body. I wanted to hide and keep Kaori with me forever. I was afraid to let go, afraid to break down.
Before long I found myself taking a liking to the forest surrounding the school. It was very rare that the students wandered the winding paths around the lake and school. It was somewhere I found peace and solace. I could be free without having to worry about people seeing me and judging me. It was somewhere Miyuki wouldn't find me.
When Kaori was gone Miyuki became a substitute for the role of Etoile. She was supposed to aid me in completing my work and ensure I didn't neglect any of my duties. As my friend and Kaori's friend though she understood my pain. This didn't stop her from changing. She forgot how to grieve like I did; she was no longer the scared little girl who I found crying all those years ago, she was like a hardened shell of the girl she used to be and bossy. I found it impossible to escape from her to begin with but then I learnt the skill of disappearing when no one was looking. The trick wasn't to run but to hide somewhere nearby until she left. It worked well. I managed to spend my time alone and think things through. I even had time to devote myself to my music.
I have always loved playing the piano. It has always been my saviour and I wouldn't give it up for anything, even now. I loved to sneak off and lock myself in the music room. It was the one room that never crossed Miyuki's mind when she searched for me. I guess she always hoped I would be in the greenhouse tending to the flowers or in the meeting room doing my duty. Whenever I wasn't playing the piano I found myself in the forest...