a/n: half of this doesn't make sense, because s2 isn't worth remembering. i have little to none remembrance of the episodes and what order they were in and such. this is part one of two or three, and is dedicated to the amazing emily, whom i love a lot. i hope you had a great birthday bb.
The first day back, she almost speaks to him.
It's strange. She's spent the entire summer crying over Beth and feeling sorry for herself, dodging calls (especially ones from him) and getting used to being back with her mother. It's calm and quiet, with nobody to bother her. Nobody she has to pretend for.
But then school's back and she has to pretend. She has to pretend that she doesn't cry every free moment she gets, that she doesn't yearn for Beth. She has to smile and pretend it's all okay, but that's what people expect. Social currency and stupidity still stand at William McKinley, and she expects everyone's forgotten about how she used to be pregnant and now just see her as the slut that got kicked off The Cheerios. And if she starts crying they'll think she's an idiot and more pathetic than Rachel Berry.
But then she sees Puck and it all comes crashing down on her. She's avoided him for most of the day-she doesn't share any classes with him and spent lunch crying in the bathroom. But he's in Glee Club and when she spots him sitting there, looking at her with a frown and a face that she can read but doesn't want to, she feels it all. And she wants to talk to him about Beth but she can't.
So she walks to the other side of the room, takes the seat between Kurt and Mercedes, and ignores his gaze for the rest of the meeting.
...
God's become a difficult subject for her.
She believes in Him, of course. She still has that cross necklace around her neck and still attends Church every Sunday (a new one, though, because Russell still goes to their old one and Judy doesn't want to embarrass both her and Quinn), but she feels as if God abandoned her for being pregnant with Puck's baby. She likes to believe that God still cares, but it feels as if no one cares.
And everything about the topic leads back to Puck. She doesn't even know how. Maybe it's because Puck was the one who took her to Church every morning once she was kicked out, and Puck was the one who cared for her when it seemed like even God didn't, or maybe it was because God gave them a little angel. It's starting to get on her nerves-how everything reminds her about Puck.
But it's reached the point where she doesn't know what to do when she prays. She can't just throw herself in to conversation like she used to, but she can't start with 'please forgive me' either, because she'll end up cying. But Kurt needs her and God whether he likes it or not, so she asks for that. That Burt gets better. And it sort of slips out before she can stop it.
And please make sure Beth is happy.
...
Quinn likes Sam. He's new and good-looking and on his way to popularity. It's not smart joining Glee Club if he wants to get popular, but Quinn doesn't mind, because it means Sam's closer to her. He makes her feel like old Quinn again, even though he seems to like Kurt more, but even a new kid knows that joining Glee Club and being out and proud is worse than being decaptained and pregnant.
Besides, Sam's nothing like Puck. It's not necessarily a good thing-Sam's got a better backbone than Finn, but it's close. She misses having someone that stands up to her, and the only people who ever really did that were Santana and Puck. But now one's not talking to her and she's not talking to the other. Sam's sweet and good hearted and kinda nerdy but Quinn likes it because Puck's none of those things. He can be sweet and good hearted, but admitting that would make Quinn seem like the bitch for ignoring him.
And she doesn't want that. She knows she's a bitch, of course-she's not an idiot. But she doesn't want to be a bitch for ignoring Puck. She has her reasons to. And she doesn't want Puck to think she's even more of a bitch, so she hopes he gets it through his thick skull that she has her reasons. Because that's one of the few things Puck can do better than Sam and it's not playing Halo or sleeping with girls-he can see through her.
...
When Puck goes to Juvie, Quinn gets angry at him. She doesn't even know why she's so pissed at him. They haven't spoken to each other since the end of the previous school year, but it made her furious to hear that he had landed himself in there.
Maybe it was because she wanted to sing that duet with him. She wanted to sing with him, the pair of them side by side. She doesn't know what they would sing-something to do with Beth, that's all she knows. Because it looks like everyone has forgotten about her little girl. Maybe even Puck's forgotten.
But she knows that's not true. Puck wouldn't forget. He's a jerk, a sex shark, but he wouldn't forget Beth. And he wouldn't forget her either. She knows the only reason he's avoiding her is because she's avoiding him. So that's why she's doing the duet with Sam, and not the father of her baby who got himself arrested.
She can't sing with Puck though. Even if he wasn't in Juvie, she couldn't do it. It's not a part of the 'Old Quinn, New year' scheme. So she swallows and smiles and sings Lucky with Sam, even though she feels anything but.
...
Quinn hates weddings. She used to love them. When she was little, Russell would buy the prettiest dress in the shop, and Frannie would do her hair (with help from Judy.) They would twirl her around and the bride and groom will tell her how pretty she looked, and she'd feel like a princess and picture her own wedding to the man she loved.
But the whole 'marriage-baby-family' plan never worked out for Quinn, and it became the 'high school-baby-avoid the father' surprise. And it's not just the plan failing that ruined her view on weddings, but the fact she stop believing in love. Believing someone would love her, anyway.
Finn did, once upon a time. But then Rachel Berry came on to the screen, and she lost him. Maybe it was for the better-Finn was the things of her childish fairytales, but she didn't know if she could every be truly happy with him. She hasn't been dating Sam long enough for there to be love, and she's still pretty sure he's in to Kurt. There's only ever been one person who truly loved her, and she pushed him away. He came back, started sleeping with Santana again and they didn't say anything to each other.
But she forces that smile onto her face, sings and dances with Sam, congratulate Burt and Carole-even if she doesn't deserve love, they certainly do. She catches him looking at her out of the corner of his eye, but then Finn begins his speech and she turns away, and it takes all her willpower not the run out of the room.
...
When Sectionals arrive, Quinn feels as if she'll never be happy again. All the memories of the day that took place a year ago come rushing back-Finn finding out, Rachel apologizing, and Puck being there for her. She doesn't know what she's going to do when Regionals come around.
When she gets paired with Sam to do the duet, she's never been happier with Mr Schuester. Not practically because she wants to do it, but because it'll keep her mind off the events of the previous year. Until she catches Puck's eye later on that day.
The thing about going in to labour, it just sort of slips out. She doesn't mean it to, but she's always been a good actress. She pretends as if she meant to say it, even though she's freaking out inside. And the sight of Puck with Lauren doesn't help matters. And even though they win-tie with Kurt's new school, anyhow-she feels as if she lost.
...
Merry is the last thing Christmas is for Quinn. There's a nagging thought in the back of her mind reminding her that it's Beth's first Christmas, and she's not going to be there. She feels like a horrible mother, and prays that Shelby's a better one.
Quinn needs somebody to talk to. But she can't, because she's still not on the best terms with Santana, her mother's a mess, because Russell is gone, and Frannie refuses to come home. And she's pretty sure Mrs Pillsbury couldn't help in this situation. And Puck...well, she still hasn't spoken to him.
She spends hours deciding whether she should get presents for Beth and Puck, spends even longer deciding what to get them, spends another hour wrapping them to make sure they look perfect, and ends up shoving them under her bed.