Just One Night?
A conversation I needed to have taken place. Just before the last scene.
"It was one night, Demelza," he said. "How long will it take for you to forgive me?"
Ross longed for this to be over, to have his wife forget his indiscretion, to let go of her anger. But it was not unusual for him to misread her. She sighed, and decided there was naught to lose by saying what was on her mind and in her heart.
"Nay, Ross, it was not just one night."
"What do you mean? It was!" he protested. "I never went back, please believe me."
"It was not after, Ross. It was the before. And before that, before even Francis dying."
"What do you mean?" he was growing angry at these aspersions to his character.
"Ross, I knew when you married me, that it was not for love. I knew, and accepted it, that you would always love Elizabeth. But then, something changed. I could see it, and you told me. You said you loved me, and there were many times that you said it, showed it…." She closed her eyes, hoping he would not see the pain she felt.
"I did, my love! I do!" he said, and started to get to his feet, but she held her hands up in protest. She did not want him touching her.
"Yes, I believe you did. And perhaps that was what drove her to begin to…to woo you again. We had so many troubles, so much despair, and she…. Well, she lured you in. Ross, do you remember a day soon after you brought me to Nampara, when Elizabeth came to see you? You asked if you had "half-wit" branded on your forehead, and you said something about weaving castles out of winks and smiles. And that began again. At the Penvenen dinner party, where the two of you gazed into one another's eyes, having what seemed like intense conversations. Did you think I didn't notice? Did you think Francis didn't notice? Or everyone at the table? Verity, Caroline?" She stood, feeling the same agitation. "DID YOU?"
"I….I don't remember," he said sullenly.
"Oh, I think you do. And the same at the harvest party. You were so enchanted with her, you didn't notice that I'd left. Or returned. And so I heard the way you two were talking after the party. I heard what you said about me. I left, thinking you would at the least kiss her. Maybe more."
"I came up to our room, Demelza! To be with you! Is this what has been making you so angry? All that from the past? When I thought I had told you, and shown you, again and again, what you mean to me!"
"Mayhap you did. But then, after Francis died, she pursued you. Endlessly. And you loved it. When I would see you changing your shirt, putting on your best waistcoat, trying to tame your hair, I'd know she'd written you again, asking you to come to Trenwith. She 'needed' you, right? With a houseful of servants. You went, every time, happily, and ignored me, even in bed….and your son."
"That's not fair, Demelza! I did not….." He stopped, realizing that he had.
"There was a day, Ross, when I had taken Jeremy to the beach, and I looked up and saw you coming down the cliff. You and Geoffrey Charles, riding together on Darkie, with Elizabeth glowing alongside you on her own horse. Like the family you wished you
had ?" He started to protest, but the words died on his lips, as she went on. "And my son," she said. ."My little boy, he saw you too, and looked so sad, and he said, 'I would like to ride on Darkie with my father." She felt the tears, the ones she had felt that day.
Ross blinked his own tears away and the shame at hearing how he had hurt his son. "Did you explain…? What did you tell him?" he asked .
"What could I explain? I said, 'I will tell your father.' And then he said 'you don't have a beautiful purple riding dress, Mother'. I told him purple was not my color and I didn't need a fancy riding dress, as I don't have a horse."
Ross felt his gorge rise, and he covered his face with his hands, overwhelmed by the shame he felt. He remembered the money he'd arranged to give Elizabeth, not keeping aside enough for a horse or other things that Demelza never asked for but certainly needed.
She stood up, turning to leave, "So you see, Ross, it was not just one night, though that was bad enough. It was my knowledge that you had never stopped loving her. And wishing you had never married me. What kept me from throwing myself off Hendrawna cliffs was that I could not tolerate the thought of leaving my dear little boy to be raised by a cold hearted woman and a father who did not treasure him."
This time he did stand and come close to her. "I do treasure him, as I do you.! You are right, Demelza, there is much to forgive. But not that. I don't still love her. I can't deny that I did, but long before I laid eyes on you. I can only hope to regain your love, and your trust. If I can show you that this…this THING with Elizabeth is over, that she will never come between us again, will you believe me?. That night, after the harvest festival, what I was thinking as she and I talked, was what it would have really been like if we had married. Would she have been content in my shabby little house? Would she have made it a warm and loving home, as you did? Would she have put up with Jud and Prudie? Could she have ridden with me to town to sell all our possessions, our livestock, our furniture, even the only jewel I'd ever given you? To pay the interest on a misguided loan! Would she have won over the miners, our tenants, as well as the gentry who were her people, but came to love and respect you? Do you think, my love, that I do not know your worth? " He reached out, tentatively, and touched her arm. "My true, real and abiding love is not for her. It is for you. And I miss you, my wife, my love."
Ross had never been a man of words, and he felt drained, exhausted, and this time, he could not keep the tears back, and she, she could not resist. It seemed to Demelza that she had spent a lifetime comforting Ross, reassuring Ross, forgiving Ross. He was her lover, her husband, and she reached out to him, let him bring her close, and to hold her.
Could this…would this be the beginning of healing?