Mad World
Warning: Character Death, mentions of death and suicide.
All around me are familiar face
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
"I love you Kurt." Blaine's whispered into his ear as he began falling asleep, barely managing to hear Kurt's "I love you too."
Truth be told, Kurt wasn't sure if he loved Blaine. Or if he loved anything at all. Of course, there were things he thought he loved, like cheesecake, but truly loved, no. Looking back, actually, Kurt can't remember if he's ever said "I love you" to someone and actually meant it.
Kurt sighed as he ran his hand through Blaine's ungelled hair. Another thing he'd claimed he 'loved.' It was a pity, really. How he seemed to just play with people's emotions without really caring how they felt. He was able to fake emotions pretty well. Anger, sadness, confusion. The most basic emotions at his disposal to manipulate others and get them to do as he wants.
Moving carefully, he untangled himself from Blaine and headed downstairs, careful to avoid the Andersons. He supposed he should care that they hated him and their son, but he didn't. He sent a quick message to Blaine saying his dad needed him at home and headed to Scandals to meet Sebastian.
From their first encounter, Kurt could tell that Sebastian was like him. Emotionless and uncaring. Perfect. They had been meeting regularly in Scandals for a while, always heading over to Sebastian's house for rough sex. He pretended not to notice the hurt look on Sebastian's face when he said that this was merely a game to him and that Sebastian shouldn't expect even a friendship out of it.
Sebastian, being the idiot he is, masked his hurt with a sneer and said that it was fine. That Hummel was the one to not be mushy and start liking him and shit. What he didn't expect, was to find himself slowly falling in love with the boy until one day, he asked Kurt to run away with him.
Devastated when Kurt rejected him saying that he had better things to do than run away with some "meerkat faced, Craigslist smelling douche," Sebastian killed himself. Word quickly spread about Sebastian's death, many people attending his funeral out of pity. Others attending out of regret.
Kurt and Blaine held hands throughout the lowering of the body and Kurt comforted Blaine as he cried into his shoulder, murmuring small encouragements. He shed a tear or two to not seem out of place, but counted the time until he got out of the cruddy place. Finally, they had left the funeral and headed for their own homes where Kurt sat and read a letter Sebastian had left.
'Dear Kurt,
If you're reading this then I've already killed myself. I've taken the liberty to write three letters. One to my parents. Obviously one to you. And one to Blaine, where I tell him of our affair. Of how I made you scream my name and how you made me scream yours. In there I tell him of our passionate fucking in detail. I figured that since I couldn't have you, then why should he? I love you so much Kurt and it literally killed me how you thought nothing of us. For that, I hate you Kurt. I hate your snarmy ass. I hate the way your eyes twinkle when you laugh. I hate how much I love you. But most of all, I hate you Kurt Hummel with every fiber of my being.
Love Hate,
Sebastian Smythe'
As Kurt finished reading the last sentence he felt nothing. Maybe a little panic, but other than that nothing. How dare he? How dare that bastard try and take Blaine away from him? Could he not see how much adoration Blaine's eyes held whenever they looked at each other? It didn't matter anymore. The deed was done.
Kurt scurries to Blaine's house, wondering if he had opened the letter. Wondering if he was crying right now. Or maybe he was going to end his life also. A shame really. He was too handsome to go at such a young age.
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
He pulled into the Anderson driveway noticing that only Blaine's car was parked. Typical, the logical part of his mind told him, they left him alone in the house. Kurt let himself in with his spare key and went cautiously to Blaine's room where he could hear a sob or two.
Opening the door, he saw things scattered about. A broken chair, pictures taken down from the walls, posters ripped in half. The picture of them at prom was in the middle of the disaster area, unharmed. Blaine was face down on his bed, his body trembling with sadness, anger and despair.
"Why Kurt?" A cold empty and broken voice asked. "Why would you cheat on me. For months? With Sebastian of all people, Kurt. WHY?!" Blaine's voice was not shaking with rage, his yelling echoing all the way down in the living room.
"Blaine I assure you, wherever you got that idiotic piece of information from, it's a farse. A lie. I would never do such a thing to you Blaine. I love you." Kurt said emptily. It was clear to anyone how unemotional he sounded. His face was blank, where it should have been distraught over being so close to losing his boyfriend.
"Cut the shit Kurt. We both know that it's the truth. Just tell me why." Blaine pleaded. His fists were trembling by his sides and his nails dug into the palm of his hands.
"Because I don't love you Blaine. As hard as I may try, I don't, I can't love you Blaine. I can't love anyone."
"Kurt. If this is some trauma from what Karofsky did then-"
"No," Kurt cut him off "it wasn't Karofsky. I am incapable of loving. Of hating. Of feeling any emotions."
Blaine took a step backwards. "But. All this time..."
"Yes. All this time, this whole time that I've known you, I've been faking everything. It's not that I don't want to care about you. It's that I can't. I should have told you sooner. I should have told Sebastian that sooner before he killed himself. Should have told him that I didn't love him because I didn't have the capability to. But, I didn't and he had to pay the price. Blaine I think it's best that we don't see each other again. At least not for a while."
Blaine stepped forward and kissed Kurt, sweet and gentle, hoping that a single kiss filled with love could somehow bring Kurt out of the curse, but failed. Baine felt tears run down his face as he pleaded, "One more time. Please. Just once more." Kurt merely nodded and they undressed eachother slowly. Blaine took his time to map out Kurt's body and commit it to memory. They finished later and Blaine was crying, holding on to Kurt as long as he could.
Once Kurt pulled away, a blank stoic expression remained on Kurt's face before he pulled his clothes back on and turned, leaving the Anderson household, not seeing Blaine's pained expression in the window.
Five years later
Kurt was walking with Adam, not noticing where they were walking as he smiled at something Adam said. It had been going better after he moved to New York. He'd landed a spot at NYADA and soon met Adam. Cute, dorky, English Adam who had been blatantly flirting with him until Kurt decided to ask him out. One thing led to another and now they were engaged, their wedding only a few weeks away.
His handling of his emotions had gotten somewhat better after the Sebastian incident. The first thing he did was ask his dad for an appointment with a specialist who diagnosed him as a Sociopath soon after their extensive visits. Kurt had been in therapy for the rest of his senior year and took drugs that helped him control his feelings and get some more insight towards them.
He still couldn't feel extremely deep emotions, but sometimes- sometimes- he swore he could feel just a hint of happiness that vibrated throughout his being. It wasn't until he started going out with Adam that these tiny glimpses of happiness began coming up semi periodically.
He kept walking with Adam until he bumped into someone and said a quick apology. It wasn't until the stranger turned around that he recognized who it was.
"Blaine?" Blaine's normally gelled hair was now loose and curly, his eyebrows still ridiculously triangular and he was still as short as Kurt remembered, although he had filled out over the last few years. In short, he was a man now. Blaine looked surprised, but quickly recovered and held his hand out to shake Kurt's.
"Kurt. I didn't think I'd see you again. Nobody besides your parents, Rachel and Finn thought they'd ever hear from you after high school. You just... disappeared."
"I know. I got accepted into NYADA and moved here. And then I met Adam." Kurt said with a hint of happiness that pained Blaine because he wasn't the one to make Kurt feel something.
"Adam, this is Blaine"
"Blaine this is my fiancé, Adam."
Blaine froze for a moment before seeing the rings on both men's hand, clearly expensive, and custom made.
"It's a pleasure to meet you Adam." Blaine said politely as he examined the older man. He was devastatingly handsome, his chiseled face looking like something out of a magazine and his beanie covered what he suspected to be a mop of hair. He was gorgeous.
"When's the wedding?" Blaine asked, noticing the way their eyes darted towards each other with a smile in them.
"Three weeks." Adam said in a clearly lovesick voice. Blaine started a little at his accent, but covered it up and smiled politely.
"Well, I believe I must get going. I needed to pick up some food before I headed home. So I guess I'll see you. And congratulations." Blaine scurried away after a brief nod towards the both of them, hoping they didn't see the tears glimmering in his eyes.
Blaine got an invitation in the mail for the wedding. He never went. Years passed and he tried dating, but it never worked out. They weren't Kurt. He received updates on Kurt and Adam Hummel-Crawford. They were happy. Kurt looked and sounded happy.
He died at 46. Tina was going to meet up with him and he never showed up. The police found him in his house later on dead. They said he died of a heart attack. The letters he had in his desk drawer claim otherwise. Blaine died at 17 of a broken heart. His body just couldn't keep going and caught up with his heart.
As for Kurt? He received news quickly and decided to go to the funeral with Adam. They both cried for the loss of a friend and Kurt felt a twinge of regret. Later on, at the age of 78 Kurt passed away. He was found by his daughter in his small house, perched on his rocking chair. In the background, music hummed softly.
His obituary read as follows:
Kurt Hummel was an extraordinary man. He will be remembered by his step-brother Finn Hudson, his two children, Annie and Timothy, as well as 7 grandchildren and 3 nephews. He was preceded by his late husband Adam Hummel-Crawford. His funeral will be held on Tuesday, September 8th at Grover Funeral Garden.
And I find it kind of funny.
I find it kind of sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
Years later, Timothy and Annie find dozens of unmailed letters addressed to Blaine Anderson. They all say the same thing.
When people run in circles its a very, very Mad World.
A/N: This has been the saddest thing I've ever written. No idea where it came from, but *le shrug* it is what it is. As you can tell, I'm updating again, so expect updates to my other two fics Breathe Me and My Dark Side soon! Thank you so much for reading! ^.^
Song: Mad World by Gary Jules