Note: This is my first attempt at writing fan fiction. I am by no means a grammar wiz, please be gentle. I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me.
A dream woke me. As each time before she is the first one in my mind and the one I call to soothe my fears at all hours of the night. However, this night was different, when a comfortable lull found its way into the conversation she bluntly asked a question that was far from the safe topics we usually talk about.
"Do you ever think about what would have been if you'd chosen me over him?"
It was a simple question, but how can I answer it. To tell her the truth, give her hope, or tell a lie. The truth was I thought about how different our lives would be every single day, if I had taken the risk, gone against everything that was expected of me, and admitted my love for her. Instead I went the safe route, I chose him over her; I placed my parents' opinion over my own happiness because how could I tell them their only daughter was in love with a woman?
Every damn day. That should have been the answer I gave her. I should have laid bare my heart for her to see. If only it were that simple… If only the man sleeping in the other room had some kind of fault, then maybe I could justify leaving him, but he is a good man. He loves me with everything he has and his only fear is I will leave him for someone else. I can't tell him that I checked out of our relationship a long time ago, it would break him. I love him too much to tell him I'm not in love with him anymore, if I ever really was in the first place.
The silent seconds after she asked the question was enough to tell her all she needed to know, but she didn't push the subject. She's my best friend and even though I've built a wall between us over the last year she still knows everything in my soul. She knows the silent torture I've been a part of since the day I said yes to him and not to her. She knows the smile on my face has been forced for the last six months. She knows everything and refuses to push me knowing how stubborn I am and how I have to come to terms with everything in my own time.
"I better get back to bed, I've got an early morning," I said with a sigh. I know she knows there is nothing I need to be up early for, but she takes my feeble excuse.
"I understand, just know that I love you. Always have always will. Goodnight."
What I wouldn't give to take the hurt from her voice, to take the weight from her shoulders that I know I'm responsible for.
You are always putting yourself last, always trying to make others happy instead of yourself. No one would think you selfish if you were just a little less self-sacrificing. That's what Katie, one of my coworkers said to me a few days ago. Maybe she is right because if I'm being honest with myself aren't I hurting more people right now than I would be if I went back to my life before. I've been hurting the two people I care most about in the world and myself by staying with him. The sad thing is, he doesn't even realize he is being hurt. If I leave him, sure it will hurt for a while, but then he will find someone who can give him all her heart as opposed to just a piece of it. He deserves to have someone love him with every fiber of her being and I will never be able to give him that. My heart was taken a long time ago by a woman with the most endearing nature, the most beautiful smile and caring heart, I should have realized over a year ago that I could never give him what didn't even belong to me.
The thought of leaving him scares me. However, the thought of the pain I've caused pushes me up from couch and moves me to the desk. I pour everything I have into a letter for him, I know it is a coward's way out and he deserves better, but I know (as it has in the past) the look on his face when I tell him something is wrong will keep me from going through with it. This is the only way.
I place the letter in an envelope with his name on it along with my ring on the nightstand.
Three hundred and ninety-one days, that's how long it took me to wake up and face reality. Three hundred and ninety-one days for a late night revelation to give me the kick in the ass I needed to walk out of this life that belongs to someone else and back into my own life, and hopefully back into hers. I've been a fool to think I could live without the her love, thinking that someone else would be good enough, when no one can compare.
So many things run though my mind as I drive across town, but when I park in front of her house my mind quiets with purpose. I get out of the car and walk the path to her door like a bullet seeking its target. Knocking on the door I realize the time and silently curse myself knowing my knock will wake her. It feels like an eternity has passed and as I start to turn around to go back to my car. The door opens. She is standing there more disheveled than I have ever seen her and more beautiful than I could ever imagine.
"Jane…" she says with a slight tone of disbelief. I notice then the tear tracks down her face and instantly know the emotional turmoil I put her through.
"God Maura, I am so sorry."
"Did you come all the way over here at four in the morning to apologize?"
"Well yes and no." I placed my hand upon Maura's cheek and lightly wiped away a tear, my other hand reaching up, fingertips ghosting across her slightly parted lips coming to a rest at her neck. "This is what I came for…" pulling her into a tentative kiss and praying she would feel all the love pouring from me.
When I pulled back, her eyes are still closed and lips were still parted.
"I should have been kissing you, holding you, and loving you every moment since I met you. I was too stupid and stubborn to see what our lives could be like together and too worried about what others might think, but I promise no more waiting. Words cannot describe how sorry I am for wasting time like I have and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you if…"
"Jane, you're rambling, shut up and kiss me again."