November 19, 2378

After the past couple of months on Earth, this was finally the first day I spent in Indiana. I visited here briefly on my second day on this planet, but today was the first time I was able to be here without having to leave after couple of hours. I have to say that it did feel good; better than I had imagined. I think I will stay here for awhile; few days perhaps. I really don't have other place to go right now.

But no matter how precious this day was, my mind kept wondering. He left last night, after we had made love for the first time in almost six years. He asked me to come with him, but I said no. I wanted him to be with his sister by himself. She is the only one left from his family, so he needed to get there alone without anyone interrupting their reunion. That's why I said no, even though I wanted to say yes, and even though I knew he wanted me to come with him. But this is the way it has to be, for that I am sure of. He has a lot of catching up to do on Dorvan V as I do here on Earth. But as I am writing this now, I would give almost anything to be next to him again; to hold him and to be held. I miss his touch and it makes me to imagine over and over again how it would be if he was here instead.

When I think all of this rationally, it get almost amusing. I am not like this. Kathryn Janeway is a grown-up woman who is in control of her feelings. But this time my emotions seem to control me. I feel like I'm some schoolgirl who is hopelessly infatuated for the first time in her life. I guess I had already forgotten how intoxicating love can be. It feels like I've never felt like this, even though there is something so familiar with this. It's like I'm exploring, even though I know already what I am going to find.

And I never expected this to happen again, not after all the time I spent pushing him away, trying to make him understand that we were something that was never going to be. But I was wrong. He still wanted to be with me, even though I had already started to believe that we would remain as friends and nothing more. But he was not in love with Seven as I expected him to be. The timeline had changed in more ways than one. Still I never expected us to find each other in this way again. But we did.

I don't want to talk about this to anyone yet. This is something Chakotay and I have to figure out together. This belongs between us. He said he would be back in seven days and I realize I'm already counting the days. But if I managed to wait seven years him, I should manage to wait seven more days too.

November 20, 2378

Today Phoebe and I spent hours in the attic. She showed me some boxes mom had put away while I was in Delta Quadrant. My whole past was in them; my whole life before Delta Quadrant that is.

As I opened the boxes and saw all that junk before my eyes, I realized how many memories I was about to encounter. Many things I had not thought about in years came suddenly back to me. There were pleasant, but I also things I already want to forget and some things I don't care to remember. But as much as the past was unfolded before my eyes as I explored the boxes, I was already thinking about the future. I want to keep moving forward instead of dwelling in the past. I guess I always have been.

But the afternoon in the attic was important in another way as well. It was the first time with Phoebe alone. At first we did not talk anything meaningful, but after the first 30 minutes the words that were spoken started to have some substance as well. We talked about the past seven years – what it had meant for me in the Delta Quadrant and for her here on Earth. I became to truly understand that in many ways the years had been easier for me than it had been for her and for the rest of my family.

Phoebe and I have always been different. When we were younger, we did not always get along. Of course we have four years between us and when you are a child, four ears make a big difference. But as we have gotten older, we have truly understood the meaning of sisterhood. And I do love her, even though she still manages to annoy me at times. But it is her job to annoy me as is it my job to annoy her. If her opinions didn't matter to me, I would start to worry. We have agreed to disagree on many topics, Starfleet being one of them. I was surprised to hear that my disappearance had made her resent Starfleet even more and that there was practically nothing that would ever change her mind about it.

She also cried. She tired to hold her tears awhile, but she finally broke and leaned over to me. And I held her there, in the attic were those damn boxes were open. I know there has been a lot I have kept to myself, a lot of things I still leave unsaid, but I when Phoebe told me that our return was almost as shocking as losing us, it surprised me. It made me realize that I have been too deep in my own distress that I had not even once stopped thinking what it might have meant for her and for mom. But I have learnt my lesson now. I will do my part to make things right again. I just have to realize that I am not going anywhere anymore. I am here, on Earth. There is no more missions or journey; just life that I have to live.

November 21, 2378

Today I took another walk down memory lane. I guess I finally have to. Running might work for awhile, but sooner or later I have to face certain memories. So I took a long walk on the cornfield and I think it was one of the best things I have done recently. Because no matter how lost I feel, or how unreal the world around me appears to be, I can always find the truth just by walking on that field with my own thoughts.

It was not a surprise that today I thought a lot about dad. He and I used to walk on that field; it was something special for the two of us. So he was on my mind today, more than he has been in years. I do miss him. He was so important for me.

I cannot help but wonder what dad would say if he were with us now. Would he be proud of me? Would he approve if I said I wanted to take some distance between me and Starfleet now? Would he approve the feelings I have for Chakotay? How would he feel if he knew that I had fallen in love with my first officer while we were still serving together on the same ship? What would he think if he knew that I had been lying to myself for past months, claiming that Chakotay meant nothing more to me than rest of my crew? Because if there was a value he honored the most, it was honesty. And I have been anything but honest when it comes to my feelings for Chakotay.

I would like to think that dad would be happy for me and I'm sure that he would. And I am happy. For the first time in years I am truly carefree and I love it. I love this feeling and I don't want it to stop. But a part of me keeps asking if this is really me; if the reflection I see on the mirror is the same woman that traveled 70 000 light-years just to get home. I know the face in the mirror, but something is unlike it used to be.

Walking on that field also made me wonder about all the things that have happened. It is difficult to imagine that the past seven years did really happen, that I really was so far from home. And suddenly it stopped like I had been awoken from a dream. And if my life was unconventional in the Delta Quadrant, it was nothing compared my life on Earth. I have suddenly become someone who is recognized everywhere in Federation Space and beyond; my name has become something children will learn in schools on their history lessons. It's a bizarre thought and it can easily make one lose the touch of reality. So I am glad that the cornfield is not too far away. Just by going there helps me to keep my feet on the ground. There I am still the same Kathryn I was before Delta Quadrant and even before Starfleet. There I feel like the essence of me, the part that no external circumstances can touch, is on my reach like it should be.

So, this has been a good day. A day I needed to go through.

November 22, 2378

I met Mark today. He had heard that I was in Indiana, so he decided to come here just to see me. It was something quite unexpected. I guess I had already partly forgotten he was still on this planet, still existing somewhere. It sounds rather heartless, but there has been so much going on in my life that he has simply vanished somewhere in the background. I guess if we had gotten on Earth years earlier he would have been the first thing in my mind when getting here, but things changed during the past years, and I changed as well.

I guess after his Dear Joe letter I had gradually started to forget all that were between us. Or maybe it had already started before that. I had not deliberately wanted to forget, but there has always been something else to think about. Or I had been too tired to remember all the things I had left behind. Hell – a big part wanted me to forget, because it was easier that way. When I was on command, there was no room for a broken heart. I was the captain.

But I think it was also because of Chakotay. I never realized how much his presence had affected on me. I obviously cherished the friendship I had with him onboard Voyager and the trust we had. He was also such a source of strength to me. And once I had learned that Mark was married, I had finally let go. But Chakotay was there. His presence had made it easy for me to let him go.

At first it was strange to sit down on the couch with him, slightly awkward even. But once the ice was broken, it was really easy to be with him. His voice, his gestures, and his presence – they are all so familiar for me. I remember him still in a very deep way. I was able to tell by just listening him that he is happily married and I am genuinely happy for him. We didn't really talk in very personal level though; just as old friends would talk. I asked about his parents and sisters, about his work, his life, his son, and so on. He asked how I had been during the years in Delta Quadrant, how I was adjusting on Earth now, and how everything was with my family.

This encounter with him had been coming for some time now, I know that. It needed to happen sooner or later. I guess I had been waiting him to make the first move and today he did it. So I am happy it happened now when Chakotay was not here. This was a farewell I needed to give by myself. I am sure that I will see Mark again in the future, and I am actually hoping it would be so, because he is still my friend. I have known him since I was a child. But this afternoon with him was something between him and I; something we both wanted to happen in peace without anyone else intervening.

November 23, 2378

Today I got written message via subspace from him.

He told about his past days with his sister, the vision quests, celebrations, and all the old friends he had met. It was a bittersweet moment to read those words. I'd rather not admit, but I felt a pinch of jealousy in my heart as I read his message on the screen of my computer. It was an irrational sensation, but genuine nevertheless. It is not easy to accept having these kinds of thoughts and feelings and they are definitely something I would not ever voice out loud. But they are there and the mere thought of being outside of that part of his life bothers me. And it bothers me that it bothers me. I guess it all comes down to my own fears of losing him. I don't want to lose him. I need him more than ever now.

He finished his letter by saying that he'll be back in few days and that he has thought about me. But somewhere deep in my mind I am concerned that he won't be back; that he is where he supposes to be right now, at home. I cannot help but wonder if I fit in the equation at all. What if he wanted to stay on Dorvan V for good? Would he still want me to part of his life? Would he ask me to move there as well? Maybe after all these past days he has realized how much he needs to be with his own people again. Maybe I am not reason enough for him to return on Earth. Maybe I am really losing him.

There was a holo-image in his message of his sister's house. They are standing on the porch as the sun on Dorvan sky is setting. They look so much alike. She has similar tattoo on her forehead as he has and everything about her – her eyes, face, smile… all of them are something I have already seen by just looking at Chakotay. It almost feels like I already know her, even though I have never met her. I cannot wait to meet her.

But I am still restless. As I stare the holo-image before my eyes, I realize that I am truly afraid. I want him to come back. But if he would ask me to choose between being with him on Dorvan and living on Earth, would I be ready to leave my family behind? Would I leave my job behind? Would I do it for him? I want to say yes, but I am doubtful. I just hope he won't ask me to choose, at least not right now.

I just want him to come back.

November 24, 2378

I had the most interesting talk with mom today. She told me to prepare a dinner for all of us, which was something I have been trying my hardest to avoid during the last few days. I guess I knew it was coming at some point, so I had dodged the kitchen for five full days. But today she finally got me and I was trapped. I tried to squirm free from it, but she already knew all the possible excuses I would make. Well of course she would – she is my mother. So I had to accept my defeat and put the apron on.

Even though I have not said a word to her about anything that has happened between me and Chakotay, she seemed already knowing about it. She did not ask about it directly, just inquired subtly where my mind has been during the last few days.

I wanted to tell her everything; what happened during the night before I came here, what I have been thinking about during the last days, how I have felt insecure because he is so happy being at his home with his people, and how I have been missing him. But I said nothing instead.

But she didn't expect to hear a word from me either. She just said – I want to see you happy and if there is someone that makes you happy, that is enough for me to know right now.

It felt good to hear those words from her.

Even though she has not met Chakotay yet, I know she already loves him. And that means a lot, more than I am able to say.

November 25, 2378

I talked with Chakotay via subspace. It was so good to see his face and hear his voice. He seemed to be happy too. Tired, but most of all happy.

There are no words to describe how much I love that man. And now, more than ever, I am sure that he is not just coming back on Earth; he is coming back to me. And he is not just coming over; he is coming to stay. I cannot believe how incredibly lucky I am to have him in my life.

He is coming here in Indiana. He is going to sleep next to me in this bed of mine. I'm restless. I'm already counting the minutes of his arrival. I guess that just tells me how ready I am to start my life with him; how I want to be beside him as his woman. After our return, nothing has made as much sense in my life on this planet as this is making sense now. He is coming back and we will be together. Not just a day, not just a week, but for good. Thank God it is that simple now. No more ethical dilemmas of harboring feelings towards your first officer, and other nonsense. There is just a man and a woman who get together, because that is something that both of them want to do. Finally it is as simple as that.

Seven years as a captain of a Federation Starship was one hell of a journey. I loved it; I hated it, and all the things in between. But it was a lonely task, but I accepted it. I even embraced it. But now… during these past seven days I have re-learnt the true meaning of being lonely. How lucky of me.

The last seven days have taught me that one of the greatest blessings is to miss someone.