Heh-heh. Ren has the same Chinese names as me (with different meanings, though), and I'm a girl...so I was wondering what Ren would be like as a girl.

Disclaimer: I don't own Shaman King. Neither do you. So HA!

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One sunny afternoon, Tao Ren was walking home from the grocery store, carrying a few grocery bags of milk. He sang a happy tune as he did so. It felt so nice to be carefree and relaxed, for the time being.

He sighed and smiled happily. "Lucky Yoh gets to feel like this every single day..." He let out a contemplative sigh, and slowly and carefully began to savor the silence.

The peace was disrrupted in a split second. The earth began shaking threateningly, and screams of ecstasy could be heard from afar. His golden eyes widened as he turned around to face a mob of stampeding fangirls. Horrified, he dropped the bags of milk as he fled for his life.

The girls ignored the shattering milk bottles and Ren's reaction. They accelerated as one, screaming out their favorite bishonen's name.

"REN-SAMAAAAA!"

"REN-SAMA, LET'S MAKE LITTLE TAOS TOGETHER!"

"REN-KUN!!! MARRY ME!!!"

"SIGN MY LEFT BOOB, REN-SAMA!!!"

And then came the worst comment which pierced Ren's ears.

"I LOVE YOU, LENNY!"

He screamed in agony at the word "Lenny" and began clawing at his scalp. The giant mass of fangirls was upon him in instants. Millions of hands shot out from every direction and grabbed at his arms, hair, feet, and...erm...let's move on, shall we?

He sobbed in terror as he was buried in a squirming exodus. "NOOOO!" he screamed. flailing around desperately. "I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!! HELP ME, BASON! I'M BEING RAPED!!!"

There was dramatic music as Bason galloped to his master's rescue in slow motion. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO...! BOOOOCHAAAAAAMAAAAA...!" He leaped headfirst into the pile and grabbed Ren's arm and managed to jerk him free.

The two ran for their lives and skidded to a stop in front of their apartment. Ren threw the door open and slammed it shut once they were both safely inside. Thunderous roars of frustration echoed throughout the apartment complex as the mob pounded furiously on the door.

"SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE, KISAMAS!" Ren screamed out from a crack in the door.

Nothing happened.

"I'll cut you to shreds!" Ren threatened, whipping out his kwan dao and the Bao-Lei sword. His efforts were in vain. He and Bason were forced to retreat and seek sanctuary under his bed.

After about 24 hours in hiding, the crowd dispersed, vowing to return some other day.

"Sheesh..." Ren sighed, popping open a bottle of milk. "What will become of us, Bason? I never want to leave the house again!" He took a long swig of the creamy white liquid and wiped off the milk mustache that resulted. "We've got to think of a plan!"

Both master and ghost popped on their thinking caps and did a group brainstorm, like you did in elementary school during creative writing sessions. At last, Bason came up with a decent proposition.

"Ren-bocchama! We can say you moved away!"

Ren snapped his fingers. "Good! 'Atta boy, Bason!"

The following day, the fangirls were back for more. They screeched and clawed at the door. Ren hid in a cupboard, while Bason went to execute their brilliant strategem.

"Excuse me, ladies, but Ren-bocchama no longer lives here."

In unison, the troop demanded, "Where'd he go?"

Bason inhaled deeply and said in the most convincing voice he could gather, "He moved far far far away to uh...Antarctica."

"Bason, you kisama!" Ren hissed. "They'll never fall for that one!"

"Apologies, bocchama..." Bason said sheepishly as the girls roared in fury.

"LIAR! WE DEMAND YOU TELL US WHERE HE IS!"

Bason panicked and looked around wildly. "Bocchama, what should I do?"

Ren stuck out his hand and showed Bason the sign language form for the letter "B."

"Ohhhh..." Bason said in agreement. "Yes, we must resort to Plan B."

He turned back to the door.

"Bocchama is ill with a terrible sickness! Please leave him alone so he can rest quietly!"

"WE WANT TO VISIT HIM AND SHOWER HIM WITH BLESSINGS AND WISHES OF QUICK RECOVERY!"

Bason sweatdropped.

He turned to the cupboard Ren was hiding in for the next signal.

"I see. Plan C will have to be executed."

He turned back to the door. "Look at what you've done! Your ruckus has prevented Ren-bocchama from a proper recovery and now he is dead!"

There was a long silence, and anguished wails of sorrow. "REN-SAAAAMA!" The troop howled.

They pounded on the door. "Let us in! We want to pay our final respects!"

"NO!" Bason roared. "Uh...come back tommorow and you can."

And so, the plan worked, sort of, as the crowd slowly returned home.

Ren stamped his foot in frustration. "They'll be back tommorow! What will we do?"

Bason nodded sagely and said, "I was planning on keeping this idea in reserve, bocchama, but we have no other choice."

Ren blinked.

"Huh?"

Bason beckoned to him with a finger. "Come here, and I will whisper the plan in your ear..."