This is just speculation. Please think of this as a filler episode as it has NOTHING to do with the current plot, past plot, or some other type of plot.
Please familiarize yourself with the slang terms: first base, second base, third, and homerun. Of course you could always remember the four Fs! They are French, feel, finger, and duck!! (Minus the d plus a f in place of the d.)
Oops, wrong type of soul
Kikyou was wandering around Feudal Japan. You know, anime characters tend to do that a lot. They're like the druggies and wiggas in America that spend all their spare time walking around town, complaining about their boredom, and then getting drunk or high in some form. Except, we know Kikyou is better than that so we can just say she was on a stroll.
Kikyou was on a long-never ending stroll through Feudal Japan. Once again, she had come back from the dead so you need not worry about that. Well, she's still dead but now she can move!
"I need more souls," she muttered quietly to herself. It must suck to have to live off souls. That's like a cheap, grade B horror movie plotline. However, she didn't know about movies, television, or anything like that, so for her it was just a depressing, annoying situation. "It happens to be convenient that this town I am standing outside of is full of dead people." Little did she know…
A man was running around screaming. "My children are dead! My beautiful children are dead!" He collapsed in front of Kikyou and began to sob. How convenient!
Her sense perked up; no one calls their sons beautiful-that's something a pussy would say. They must be daughters from whom she could take their souls for energy! Little did she know…
"Will you take me, a complete stranger who looks suspiciously made of earth and clay, to see the dead bodies of your precious children?" The man, whose head had been in his hands, looked up at her.
"Of course, but only if the room is barely lit at all and you don't look too closely." She nodded curtly and helped him to his feet. He wiped his face with his rough, farmer hands and stared at her, waiting for a reply. They had a staring contest of some sorts. Finally, Kikyou opened her mouth to reply; her eyes were watering!
"All right, good sir." Little did she know…
They reached the old man's house in good time and even though it had been late afternoon at the edge of the village, by the end of the five-minute walk it was dark enough to take Kikyou to his childrens' rooms where their bodies lay. Little did she know…because you know, she knows little of the situation.
The man stood in the doorway, waiting and staring. "Could you please leave me, a complete stranger, alone with the bodies of your precious, dead children?"
"All right, I'll make some tea!" He skipped off, leaving her alone and she smiled; now, she could obtain the souls required and then get the hell out of there; she still had to find InuYasha.
The souls drifted upwards and finally after a big, dramatic scene with the souls and Kikyou shown from three angles, they floated into her. She failed to notice that they were blue and not the customary pink or red a woman's soul usually is.
She heard the old man coming and jumped out the window; she didn't need to get caught stealing souls, now did she? Straightening out her back and fixing up her clothes, Kikyou began her walk towards where she thought InuYasha was. As she walked, she failed to notice that her arms grew thicker and stronger, and that her BOOBAS were shrinking to nothing; you just don't notice physical changes all that much, ok?
The next day she found the group sitting outside of Kaede's village, just chilling out and doing nothing in particular.
"InuYasha," she called in a deep and yet loving voice. InuYasha quickly turned around to see if it was Jakotsu after him again and saw Kikyou…with a beard, no breasts, and awesome pecks. In unison Kagome, InuYasha, Sango, Shippo, and Miroku tilted their heads to the side in shock as their jaws dropped. "InuYasha I've returned from the grave once again." Sango, still with her head tilted and jaw dropped, nudged Kagome. Kagome silently walked over to a tree and with a rock carved a small tally in its side. They had taken up counting the times Kikyou returned from the dead after the sixth occurrence, and now they were up to about eighty times or so.
"Oh my god, oh my god," InuYasha chanted that lovely, oh-so female phrase in a panicked voice. Kikyou stepped towards him; he stepped back. They continued this several times until Kikyou opened her mouth to speak.
"What's wrong, InuYasha? It is I, Kikyou-back from the dead."
"We've established thattt," Miroku said in an annoyed, matter-of-fact tone. Sango elbowed him in a sad, sensitive place, and he fell to the ground in agony. InuYasha and Shippo winced in sympathy but the frightening thing is…so did Kikyou.
"I-I well, I'm uhh," he stammered nervously. Finally, he came out and said, "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing, I feel great for something made of clay!" He shook his head in disbelief.
"You've changed Kikyou." (S)he gasped.
"InuYasha, it's still me!" Once again, he shook his head.
"You're different from the woman I loved." His friends stared in shock and anticipation; Kagome especially considering how this planned who she ended up marrying and makin' baybays with.
"No, InuYasha! I am still Kikyou." He turned away.
"You are nothing like the woman you were." InuYasha left her sitting there. Now, SHE thought he meant that her character was completely different and that he could never love her because of an alteration in her personality; he KNEW and never mentioned that it was because she was a guy. He just didn't feel like clarifying why she was different. Talk about a soap opera gone wild.
"Noooo," Kikyou began to cry into her(??) hands pitifully. Miroku and Shippo blushed in embarrassment at one of their kind (s/he was one of them now, right?) crying, real men don't cry! Oh…wait…
"It's all right Kikyou, he walks away to leave me cry all the time," Kagome said cheerfully. She smiled at the sobbing Kikyou and perhaps that's when it happened: the first inklings of love.
Breathlessly Kikyou asked, "would you like to go out for a cup of tea?" Kagome nodded eagerly. So they went on a date, then that date turned into a second one which became a third until the two were officially a couple. Their feelings for each other grew but neither dared to voice them for InuYasha was still in the background; quite literally in fact, considering how he was following them around and trying to figure out if he still wanted to bang Kikyou or if Kagome was a good second choice.
"Kagome," Kikyou asked one beautiful May Day. Kagome looked at her curiously.
"Yes, what is it?" Kikyou chuckled slightly.
"Well, you've been with me this entire time since we discovered that, for some reason, I'm a guy,"-she shrugged there-"and it means a lot to me. So uh, I was wondering that uh…" S/he coughed nervously and rubbed her face as though s/he were sweaty.
"Yes, dear?" Kagome was really curious now-and quite excited. Kikyou was everything InuYasha wasn't and she and Kikyou had so much in common! S/he was a dream come true and Kagome hoped InuYasha wouldn't get in the way of their relationship. "It's not like you to get nervous Kikyou, what's wrong?"
"As I was saying, I was wondering if you would ma-marry me? And stay with me forever even though I have a girl name, was born a girl though became a guy through some odd fluke of fate, and I am the living dead!" Kagome smiled.
"Of course Kikyou! But didn't you notice my lovvvvveeeeee made you alive again?" There were sparkles and soaring music as she drew out the word "love."
"Nope; didn't notice at all but thanks." They kissed.
"Besides, you're perfect. All we have to change is your name, your feminine clothing, lack of hygiene…" A long list proceeded.
InuYasha sat in a tree, sighing and thinking. Suddenly, he gasped as realization hit him; he knew the answer!
"What is it InuYasha?" Miroku asked. InuYasha had been comatose the entire three hours of Kagome's and Kikyou's relationship so he was surprised to see InuYasha moving.
"I know which one I want!" Everyone stared at him in shock.
"Next thing you know, Miroku won't be chasing women," Shippo said in a disbelieving tone. Sango's eyes welled up and she ran off crying.
"Why do you have to remind me?!!"
"Sorry Sango, I forgot." Kirara hissed at Shippo angrily and ran after Sango. Shippo and Miroku completely ignored the woman's and cat's sorrow to stare at InuYasha.
"Go get her-or him depending on your life choice and we COMPLETELY support you either way- InuYasha!" InuYasha ran off excited and anticipating a happy relationship; he thought Kagome and Kikyou were just being friendly in their dating because he was too stupid to realize that heavy petting isn't something buddies do together.
"Let's get married today," Kagome said excitedly. "I'm willing to drop my education and life in the modern times for a person I used to have a romantic rivalry with!" Kikyou nodded and once again, they kissed passionately. Uh oh, you know where THAT adverb leads to!
InuYasha landed in the tree above them and he finally figured out that good friends just don't suddenly accelerate from first base to second, then third, and they came around to home annddd HOMERUN!! He watched all of their "baseball" fun in horror and slight horniness; you can't blame the guy, porn is porn!
"Come on baby, let's go get married." Kagome sighed and nodded happily. InuYasha stared in shock and gaped.
The masculine looking Kikyou (who changed her name to Kenji) walked off hand-on-butt with Kagome (who didn't change her name at all). InuYasha sat in the tree on his haunches like a pathetic puppy caught in the rain and stared after them with shining, sad eyes and a pout. "B-but I finally decided which one I wanted to pick," he said sadly to himself. Haha! Sucks for you, InuYasha!
"Wow InuYasha. Did the two women you love, in a twist of irony, run off with each other leaving you with no one to love? That's pretty ironic; considering how you always ran back and forth between them, playing both ends to the middle, and hurting both of them deeply. It is certainly ironic that you got a taste of your own medicine," Miroku said wisely. He rocked on his heels. "Yup, pretty ironic, right there."
"So, n-now I'm all alone and nobody loves me?" Shippo nodded as did Miroku and then…they laughed.
"Ahhh, that's classic." Miroku nodded at Shippo's wise statement.
"Shall we leave him to his pathetic case of betrayal and depression?"
"But of course, old chap!" And then, InuYasha was alone-horribly, terribly alone. He stayed that way until the next perfect in every way girl found him five minutes later.
XX
Who did he pick? I'm not telling.
As I said, this was just a speculation. I'm not into the whole Kagome/Kikyou pairing but it sort of worked itself in there so I made it a comedy!
Please review.
Love you all,
TMA