A/N: I originally wrote this as an original story, but after rereading it, I wanted to adapt it for Jubilee. Sooo…I did!
Author's note:
This story was written while the author suffered from the effects of lack of sleep and painkillers for her back. It is very possible that it makes little to no sense.
You have been warned.
Caffeine Deprivation and Why it Should Be Regarded as Dangerous
(Especially when it Happens to Jubilee)
Insanity—a perfectly rational adjustment to the insane world.
-R. D. Laing
I and the world happened to have a slight difference of opinion; the world said I was mad, and I said the world was mad. I was outvoted, and here I am.
-Richard Brothers, on how he ended up in Bedlam
I really didn't think he could stick the peanut up her nose.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!
No, I don't need to elaborate, it's as simple as that.
I'm not in denial!
No, I'm not!
Oh, you sooooo did not go there!
Fine! I needed money, alright?
Trust me, you don't want to know.
Sigh. If you must know, I needed it for a plot that involved 15,000 apples, John Meyer, a hippo, and a small Pacific Island.
Well, I told you that you didn't want to know, but you wouldn't listen!
Anyway, I needed money. So, when Leech bet me he could do it, it seemed like a good idea.
Yes, I know he's young, I do live with him. So? His money's good.
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Back to the point. Well, he did it! I mean, who would have guessed? So I give him the five bucks, then I get an idea. "Why," I say, "I bet people would pay money to see that." So I make some fliers and put them up around town. And guess what? About 30 people show up, each paying $2!
People are such suckers.
Now, was that remark really necessary?
AHEM! Anyway, the show's a success. Well, it was a success until it was over. Then the problems started.
Actually, the problems started when the very large Yugoslavian man showed up during the show, but I didn't know that yet.
Well, the shows over and I go to give the kid his money (20%) and find him crying.
Apparently, this time he couldn't get the peanut out of his nose.
I pointed out that he had two nostrils and as long as one was open, what did he care, but he didn't see it that way. So I, being the kind, compassionate person I am, try and take him to the emergency room. Yeah, we have a med-lab on campus, but Frosty doesn't exactly have the greatest bed side manner.
Frosty! Sigh. Ms Emma Frost?
You're getting that glazed look people get when they think about her in her underwear, just so ya know. Smirk.
Oh, yeah, so this was when we met the large Yugoslavian man. His name was Chester. Does that sound Yugoslavian to you? I didn't think so, but he insisted it was his ancestral name. Now, I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but when a man big enough to turn coal into diamond just by stepping on it tells me his ancestral name is Chester, I'm not going to argue with him. I mean, this guy was the size of Cable and Bishop put together!
Cable and Bishop? It's a loooong story. Trust me, ya don't want to know.
Hey, remember when you asked about why I needed money?
Thought so.
So, Chester comes over. We chat. He tells us he loved the show. I, ever-so politely, thank him. He says he'd like to take us to Hollywood. Once again I thanked him, but informed him we were quite happy where we were, and we also happened to be in a hurry. He offered us money. I told him where he could stick it.
That was when he pulled out a gun.
Now, a very large man with a very large gun is threatening me. I have a crying kid with a peanut stuck up his nose handing on me. And, thanks to my loving (cough, sarcasm, cough) classmates breaking the coffee maker, I have had no coffee yet. It was not a good day.
This should explain why, when he turned upon hearing a noise, I paff—er, kicked him. Hard. In a not-good place. Well, not good for him!
I am not sadistically grinning!
So, my caffeine-deprived self grabs the (still sobbing) Leech, throws him in Angelique, and drives like a bat out of hell.
Angelique? That's my car. Wolv—er, my dad gave her to me. She's my baby. Touch her and I'll kill you.
I was kidding! But, seriously, don't touch her.
Anyway, I'm driving rather quickly. And we would have made it, except for the fact that there happened to be a Starbucks by the side of the road.
You have to understand, here, I need my coffee. It's the only thing that gets me through the day. If I don't partake of its caffeine-filled goodness, I start to do crazy things. Hey, that may explain my peanut-show idea!
No, I don't do crazy things anyway!
You know, for a psychiatrist, you really don't seem to be good at connecting with your patients.
Oh, and you've never had a bad morning?
Well, I didn't kill anyone either!
…I maimed him. I said I didn't kill anyone!
He was trying to take my coffee!
Oh, right, the kid. Well, so Chester's grabbed us, and we're in his car. Which, by the way, was not nearly as nice as my baby. And I'm savoring the lovely goodness that is espresso, when Leech starts crying. Again. Now, I love the kid, but enough is enough! So, I grab him and, while holding his other nostril shut, tell him to blow.
He does.
The peanut comes out.
Fast.
And hits Chester, who's looking sideways to see if the road's clear, in the corner of his eye.
He screams and crashes the car, allowing Leech and myself to jump out, where we proceed to call the cops.
Nope, didn't tie us up. I got the feeling Chester wasn't exactly at the top of his class.
So, cops come, take Chester away, and ask us for statements. I give them mine. When I'm finished, the one cop runs away screaming about green crows and refrigerators, and the other called you.
And here we are.
You know, hitting yourself with your notebook can't be good for you.
Doc?
Oh, hey, it's you guy again! Yeah, I think we're done. The doc's…somewhere else right now. I think he mentioned something about a happy place.
Frosty showed up to get us? Rad.
What's that? Oh, hell, I'm not crazy!
I just enjoy myself.
Immensely.
You know, you're the second person today to tell me I have a sadistic smile…