Farm Wars
By Jennifer
More of a summery of what Star Wars would be like if it were set in England than a story really. I don't mean to offend anyone mentioned in this story either. This was written for a competition set by my school to write a story about the government being taken over by a new government to celebrate the general election. I entered this and was a runner-up and I got this story published in the school newspaper (well some of it anyway). Please read and feel free to leave a comment, either on the review thing or by e-mailing me @
Farm Wars
Around 2001 AD in the galaxy of: the Milky Way…
It is a period of civil rebellion. The people of the United Kingdom are growing tired of the evil rulers that govern the country and have joined together to form a rebel alliance. In it they hope to restore peace and Pride to a once Great Britain.
The Rebellion has just won its first battle with the evil Government forces.
During the battle, the rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Governments ultimate weapon, the farm destroyer, an armoured Air craft with enough power to infect entire fields with the foot and mouth and mad cow diseases.
Pursued by the Governments sinister agents, Princess Leia, the secret daughter of the Queen races home on board a Virgin train that is used by the rebel alliance, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore order to the land.
After tracing the stolen Farm destroyer plans to the small Virgin train. The Prime Minister's most sinister agent, Darth Vader, and the Stormtroopers, the government's elite army that deals with the more 'personal' matters invade the train and search for the plans. Darth Vader gives the command to capture all on board and the Stormtroopers intend to do just that.
The Stormtroopers find the rebel leader, Princess Leia, the secret daughter of the Queen. She is captured, but not before she can hide the plans inside her trusty R2D2 unit, along with a message for a former army general.
With Princess Leia captured, Artoo leads his droid friend C3P0 to an emergency exit and together they exit the moving train and find themselves in an unknown countryside.
Artoo and Threepio argue about which direction they should take to find a settlement and decide to separate. They go in opposite directions to each other, but are both found by Dodgy Dave and brought to his store "Dave's delightful droids" to be sold.
Dave's best customer, Owen Lars turns up a little later with his nephew Luke and they end up buying the two droids. Owen instructs Luke to go and clean the new robots up while he watches 'Star Trek' with Dave. Luke whines because he was going to race his Ford Escort at Beggar's Cliff but does as he is told when Owen offers to buy him some new furry dice for his car.
Luke returns to his uncle's workshop and starts cleaning up the droids, telling them about his dreams of joining the army as he works. Threepio asks where they are and Luke tells them they are in Wales. He is about to tell him about Beggar's Cliff and how good at racing he is when he accidentally pushes or scrapes something on Artoo and activates the holo-recording of the beautiful princess. Luke is enchanted by this beautiful brunette and thinks she is hotter than any woman he has ever seen and he tries to find a way to play back the entire message, taking the restraining bolt of the little droid in his desperation. When he takes the restraining bolt off, however, the image disappears. Luke is called for his dinner before he can find a way to get the recording back and when he returns the little Artoo unit has disappeared.
The next day, Threepio and Luke hunt for the little driod and find him near the dune stream. They grab the little droid and are about to make their way back to the farm when they are ambushed by Tom Jones impersonators and forced to listen to 2 verses of 'pussycat' before being rescued by local loony, Ben Kenobi.
Old Ben takes Luke and the droids back to his little house and Luke tells him he is looking for an Obi-wan kenobi and asks if he knows him. Ben says he does, it's him and then tells Luke about the Jedi and all about his father. Artoo plays back the whole message to Obi-Wan Kenobi and Obi-Wan decides that they must travel to Windsor to assist the Prince Philip in his mission to destroy the empire and regain control over the country. Obi-Wan tells Luke he must travel with him and learn the ways of the force and Luke agrees because he doesn't like the farm and thinks the glow stick Obi-Wan give him is cool.
The four of them, Obi-Wan, Luke, Threepio and Artoo, head to Mos Elsie Airport, where the scum of the nation hang out and convince one of the pilots, Han Solo to fly them to Windsor. Han agrees because he owes money to mob boss Don Jabba and the 17 grand that Obi-Wan offers him will more than pay him back.
After selling Luke's banged up old car, Luke, Obi-wan and the droids head to runway 9.4 where Han Solo is waiting for them in his rusty old aeroplane, the Millennium Falcon. After dealing with a few Stormtroopers who had been ordered to search for the missing plans in Wales, the Falcon takes off and heads for Windsor Castle to deliver the Farm Destroyer readouts to Prince Philip. On the way, Luke learns how to fight with the glow stick that was once his fathers and Threepio plays Chess with Han Solos dog (and loses).
Once arriving in Windsor, the five of them head straight for Windsor castle. They see the Farm Destroyer flying above the castle and hope it is not too late. Han suggests they look around anyway, hoping to be able to steal some priceless old gems or plates that he can sell. They enter the castle and look around.
The castle is deserted. It appears that the whole royal family has caught mad cow disease and died. The five of them (plus the dog) turn to leave but as they are about to exit the castle, they hear screams and race through the castle following the loud noise.
The screams are coming from Princess Leia, who is surrounded by Vader, the arch-bishop and Stormtroopers and is being forced to listen to Geri Halliwell sing 'It's raining men' until she tells the government the location of the rebel base.
Knowing they do not have much time, Obi-Wan comes up with a plan.
Obi-Wan districts Darth Vader by a forcing him to engage in a pathetic fight, while the others manage to get the princess out, both Han and Luke are completely distracted by the fact that she is not wearing a bra and forget about Obi-Wan until they see him getting killed by Darth Vader's LightSaber. Luke turns around just in time to see Vader kill Obi-wan and is amazed at how useless the stormtroopers are.
Needless to say, they all escape and make it back to the Falcon with the princess and readouts in tact. Once inside the Falcon, they take off and set a course for Newcastle, where the rebel base is, completely unaware that they are being followed by the government in the Farm Destroyer.
Han and Luke spend the journey to Newcastle trying to chat up the princess. Leia decides that she likes Han and flirted with him, making Luke angry and jealous. Luke realised that Leia would not like Han if she knew that he only liked her for her wealth, so he told her. Leia, angry with Han, told him to leave as soon as they reached the base.
They land at the rebel base and the readouts are analysed just as the Farm Destroyer is in sight. Han prepares to leave and Luke and the other pilots are given a bomb filled with drugs that will fight and destroy the diseases. A weakness has been found, there is a hole in the Farm Destroyer next to where the diseases are kept, if the bombs hit this hole, the craft will explode and the diseases will be wiped out by the drugs before they can spread and cause more damage
Luke and the pilots take off for their ultimate mission and Han leaves the base to pay of Don Jabba shortly after.
From the air, Han can see that the government forces have wiped out most of the rebels so that there is only Luke and one other left, and as the other prepares to go back to base, Han suddenly realises how he can win the princess, he will save the day!
Han goes down and attacks the government troops while Luke, listening to a voice in his head, turns his targeting equipment off and fires. It hits, the Farm Destroyer is destroyed and Leia is impressed. So impressed that she invites Han and Luke for tea at Buckingham palace the next day.
At the palace, Han and Luke are surprised to find the Queen alive and well, they thought that all of the royal family had been infected by Mad Cow disease and died. The Queen tells them that she was at the palace the whole time waiting for her lover who only managed to show up the previous night. They all talk about the weather while they are waiting for the tea to boil, and Darth Vader creeps out of the palace unnoticed ready to discuss new evil plans with Prime Minster Palpatine.
The End (or is it?)