Swag Aloo
Kirk burst into the toilet, gasping with desperation. Ripping off his mustard-yellow apron, he sank into the toilet seat, an expression of delight crossing his face as he at last relieved himself. Too late, he noticed that Spock was taking a bath on the other side of the room. The vulgar Vulcan raised his majestic eyebrows, for he was pleasuring himself in the bath.
Kirk spun around as he caught the sound of 'Tooty Fruity', 'Down on Me' and 'Bees in a trap' blasting simultaneously from Spock's I-dock in a sassy mash-up. Spock was able to hear each individual song at the same time due to his large ears, as Vulcans have.
"What are you doing in here?" Kirk roared, quickly wiping his bottom.
"I am bathing." The brute lied.
"Yeah, I can see that!" Kirk screeched. Suddenly, he saw a small tub of yogurt floating in the bubbles about Spock's loins. Kirk screamed and blew chunks just as Spock blew his load.
"That wank was Spock-tacular!" he yelled, yogurt dripping from his slick body.
The 27 year old Vulcan dried himself off awkwardly as Kirk stared on in awe at the Vulcan's giant green penis, which was deflating after his 'pleasure session'.
"Why the hell is that green?" Kirk inquired, his eyes bulging like too-tight leggings.
"Idk" Spock shrugged, wiping himself down.
"Why did you leave the door unlocked anyway?" Kirk spluttered, "it's like you wanted someone to walk in!"
Spork blushed green. "I did." He confessed.
"Wait wait what?" said Kirk, spitting his juice across the room.
"Vulcans cannot lie, Kirk", Spock replied.
Kirk raised his hat, his trousers still around his ankles. "Well who did you want to walk in?"
"YOUUUUU" Spock yelled in a Soulja Boy style voice.
Kirk was scared, but aroused. "Well, you got your wish. What are you going to do now?"
Spit shrugged his moobs. Krik stared at him.
Then with a sudden cry of "EAT YOUR GREENS!", Spring lunged forward and forced his 'starship' in Kirk's general direction.
Kirk screamed. "WAIT!" he yelled, "there is something I must dooooo!"
He rushed over to the bathroom mirror where Spock's razors lay. He grabbed one in each clammy mano and smoothly shaved his cabeza.
Sprout had his own pre-sex routine. He took a threadbare towel and wrapped it quickly around his greasy bangs.
The couple turned to face each other with lust in their eyes.
"I know you want me to eat my greens", Kirk grinned, "but I think you should get some more red meat in your diet…"
"I am a vegetarian."
"oh."
There was an awkward silence for about six seconds. Then Sprey burst forth with a second cry of "EAT YOUR GREENS", this time shoving his dinghy right into Kork's gaping bouche.
Karam choked on the inserted load. "REEEEED MEAT" he protested through his mouthful of Splice. He then proceeded to thrust his own shuttle into Spaytan's boarding port (mouth).
"AWOOGA!" Spray tan cawed vivaciously, a difficult task considering his current position.
Whilst the couple were in the depths of colourful passion, Bones burst into the toilet, unzipping his tight trousers and grunting like a buffalo in heat. He was about to use the bidet to rinse out his arsehole, for he had been getting down with Sulu in the broom cupboard, and they had not quite managed to get all of the pumpkins out of his anus. His wash routine was interrupted by the sound of heavy breathing and farting behind him. At this noise, he whipped round too see human and Vulcan in the cosy corner, making love to the beat of the drums.
"Excuse me, what do you think you're doing?" he squealed, "this is a public bathroom!"
Spayed gestured rudely at the elderly gent, who gasped in horror at the young Vulcan's crude actions.
"I'm going to file a report on you, young don!" he cried, shaking his fist in a miserly manner.
Springer did not care. He screeched a foul word at the ancient grinch and continued to thrust into Krock's mouth.
Bronx shook his fist again, but in vain. The young couple ignored his protests. In fact, Kanine pumped up the volume of his grunting and turned up the music – the playlist had now reached the song 'Gold digger', which was his favourite jam.
Brine wheeled around and promptly fainted. The pair turned round and sneered.
"HNYEEEEH" they chorused, "LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE NEEDS A BLANKET".
Then they continued 'making music'.
Suddenly, there was a whirring from the unflushed toilet. It did not disturb the couple, but unbeknownst to them, a quivering brown mass was rising majestically from the bowl in a shower of golden urine. The Turd shambled towards the fat fiends, a mouth and eyes becoming distinguishable in the pulsating tower of brown mass. He tapped politely on Kark's shoulder.
"Keptin Kerk?" he squeaked, "My name is Percy the living poo."
Karp yanked his manhood out of Swat's maw and shuffled around to face the Turd.
"What?" he gasped.
"What's going on?" yelled Sprink.
"Nothing, dear!"
The Turd continued. "Keptin Kerk, it's been my dream since I was simple primordial waste to serve on this ship. I would be honoured if you would accept me as a member of your crew."
Kweew spluttered. "I…uh…living poo?!11!?"
"Yiss."
"I thought the living poos were merely a Vulcan legend", piped up Spock from his position on the floor.
"Nay, they are real." Percy the living poo said grandly.
"I don't want you serving on this ship. No poo will ever be a part of my crew."
"BUT YER LIT SPECK IN, YUU RECIST PEECE OF SHEET" yelled Percy the living poo.
"Uh, hypocrite much?"
"FECK YUU" screamed Percy the living poo.
"Look, I'm sorry mate. I really am. But I'm kinda busy here. And no poo has ever served here, nor will they ever serve here." Kirk explained.
Percy the living poo stood silently for a moment. Then he backflipped gracefully into the toilet. Krave breathed a sigh of relief, but then he saw a quivering slimy brown head pop up above the lid.
"Starflit should be afraid of mi power", Percy the living poo threatened, "I have a nuclear weapon hidden about my body, and I swear before the day is out I will set it off and annihilate you and your entire crew!"
"Noooo!" Kroner screamed.
"Yis," Percy the living poo hissed menacingly, "you will never find me, Keptin Kerk. I could be in any toilet at any time."
And with that, the Turd slipped down into the U bend.
"We have to put the ship on red alert!" Kurck cried, struggling up from underneath Sponk's weighty body.
"There's a poo on the lose!" Kirk screamed into his communicator. "No one is to use their toilet in case the smelly terrorist arises."
He sprinted up to the bridge, naked apart from his hat and his knee-high lycra boots. "CODE MAUVE! I want an emergency meeting in my quarters pronto presto!"
"Trololol!" screeched Sulu, collapsing onto the controls as he tried to disguise his mirth.
"Look me in the eye, Sulu!" Krumpets roared, failing to notice that every other crew-member was rofling at various places around the would-be tomb.
"Surree!" Said Salad, clearly not sorry.
"Roll call!" Kurk cried, whirling around and counting his crew. "Sulu, Uhura, random alien, Scooty… But WHERE IS CHEKOV?!"
There was a roar as the crew descended into hysterics. Sulu slammed his head onto the controls, accidently sending the ship into Warp Nine.
"Oops! Clumsy me!" he chortled, slapping his thighs to the beat of the drums.
"Zulu, you IDIOT!" Kerk screamed. "We're hurtling right into Kling-film space!"
"Oh, I secretly like Cling-ons," Urethra muttered.
"Hold onto yer haggis!" Scoffy cried, gripping his kilt and playing the bag-pipes in terror.
"I need my navalligator!" Krimbo screeched. "Where is Check Off?!11"
"Security teams to every toilet!" Captain Kooky bellowed, when he failed to get a response from the cracking crew.
Suddenly, Spock burst into the bridge, carrying Bones in his arms. "Man down! The reign of the poo has begun!"
"That's it!" Kirk wailed, falling on the floor with tears pouring out of his eyes, anime-style.
"Kawaii!" Spock screamed, clambering on top of him. "Don't worry, babe. We'll get the devil who did this to our friend."
Bones sat up. "What's this racket!?" He whined. He caught site of Kirk and Spock, entangled in each other's limbs once again. "At it again, are weeeee?" he sneered, just as Sulu chucked a pizza slicer across the bridge with gay abandon. It hit Bone's square in the face, burying itself in his weak chin.
The old man wheezed one last breath and fell down dead.
"NOOOO! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!" Sulu wailed. "I've killed you, even though I loved you! It was an accident, I swear!" He clasped Bonses head between his meaty thighs, singing softly ; "starships were meant to fly" as Bone's soul left his fat, diseased, elderly corpus.
"Do you know who has done this to us!?" Krik cried, "PERCY THE LIVING POO!"
Uhura began to cry. "It was never meant to go this far! It was supposed to be a joke…" she wept.
"Pizza cutters are never a joke." Said Spock sombreroely, not understanding the true meaning of her words.
Then Kirk lost it. "I see only one option. We must remove this godless excrement from the ship at any cost, before I lose another crewman!"
"We must avenge Boners." Spock leered.
"We must." Kirk agreed, not getting the tasteless, crass innuendo. "Scotty, pull the MASTER FLUSH."
Scotty went as white as an uncooked haggis. "But captain! It's too dangerous!"
"Do it, Mr. Scott."
"Nae, I CANNAE DO IT! Anything but the master flush!"
Kirk advanced on the highland terrier, who quivered in fear at the maniacal look in the captain's eyes.
"Listen to me, motherfucker! You will pull the master flush or I'll gun you down!"
"But yer dinnae understand!" Scotty pleaded, throwing his wee body over the big brown button. "Me refuse!"
"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, engineer." Spock roared, whipping out his phazer with a scream of "TAKE DOWN!", swiftly shooting Scotty in the face. Scotty fell to the ground like a limp turnip, his body dissolving into a pile of haggis and oats and tartan the moment it touched the floor, the stench of Scotch whisky rising from his remains.
"Bop it!" Spock screamed at Kirk, who leapt forward, ready to press the Master Flush.
"STOP!" Screamed Uhura. "That poo is ENSIGN CHEKOV!"
"Holy shit." Spock whispered, disappointed that he hadn't seen it before.
Through her tears, Uhura explained that the whole thing had been a prank. "We never meant for it to go this far. It was just a fling before. Everyone was in on it."
"EVEN SPOCK?!" Kirk hollered, whirling around to face his first officer.
"Not Spock." Uhura admitted. "But you can't flush Chekov into deep space. Nein!"
"I never liked him anyway. Let him be an example. Let the Russian peasant die." And with that, he slammed his ham-fist on the master flush. The sound of a million toilets flushing filled the Enterprise, and above that, Chekov's screams.
The crew watched in horrified awe as the contents of the toilets and the sewenteen year old ensign floated past the window.
"See you later, navigator!" Kirk sneered, giving a mocking wave.
Suddenly, there was an unearthly mow as a Klingon torpedo came hurtling towards the Enterprise, and the ship exploded.
The crew hollered for dollars as they died, alone in space.