Hello everyone and welcome to the final installment of the Fighting Our Way series. I'm so glad that you've been enjoying things so far. The entire Fighting Our Way series is currently being uploaded to AO3 if you want to read it in its entirety. As we go into the final installment, I have to warn you that this chapter starts with a death and, it's a sad one. I'm putting a trigger warning here for heavy subject matter surrounding death and mentions of drug use.
Grab tissues if you need too,
Xx
Seattle, Five-and-a-half-months later
There aren't too many days where there's a cloudless sky in Seattle, but today just happens to be one of them. There's not a single cloud in the sky; in fact the sun is out. The sun is out and there's a warm spring breeze in the air. The scenery is so beautiful you wouldn't imagine people being sad. The sky is a clear blue with zero clouds in sight, the grass is freshly cut and the breeze floating around them carries with it a sweet smell. There are butterflies in the air, birds are chirping; from a distance, you can even hear children laughing. Today is a perfect day…yeah, right.
"Dear Lord, we ask that you would take into your arms, the body of our beloved Emily Caroline Shepherd. We ask that you would give her family comfort during this difficult time…Amen," The priest stood in his long black robe, the tiny white casket in front of him. It's hard to imagine burying babies, but it happens. Derek sat numbly next to Meredith, whose eyes were focused on the casket that housed her daughter's small and lifeless body. Carson and Ryan sat next to them, doing their best to be strong for their father and stepmother. Cristina sat on the other side of Meredith, unsure of what to do because she didn't do emotions or religion, or any of this, but understood that Meredith needed her to be there. Everyone else stood around the gravesite quietly as the priest recited the Lord's Prayer before dismissing everyone from the gravesite.
Addison stood to the back of the crowd next to Mark as she watched everyone slowly give her children their condolences at the death of their baby sister. She still couldn't believe it had happened; and she had been the one to call it…
2 Weeks Ago…
Meredith Grey is frantic as she rushes into the ER with six month old Emily. Addison looks up from her charts when she hears Meredith shouting for help and immediately rushes to her side.
"Meredith, what's going on with her?" Addison has called for several nurses as well as Alex Karev, who happened to be on her service.
"Karev, intubate her, now!" Addison watched as her residents hands shook before she shoved him aside.
"You can't afford to get scared, not now, move!" She successfully intubated Emily, getting her pressure stable before turning her attention to Meredith.
"What happened?"
"She was fine, she had a cold and I did everything you're supposed to do but, she stopped eating, she's been really cold and clammy, she's been super upset lately and-"
"Meredith, slow down, breathe," Addison places her hands on Meredith's shoulders to help her calm down.
"I-I know I probably sound like a crazy person right now and-"
"No, you sound like a worried mom," Addison gives her a reassuring smile.
"Thanks, Addison,"
"No problem; I'm thinking that Emily's cold has turned into a pretty serious case of RSV," Meredith's eyes widen at Addison's suspected diagnosis.
"But, how-"
"There's no how; sometimes, it just happens…we're gonna admit her and get her back to being her normal, happy self in no time, I promise,"
oOo
So much for keeping promises, Addison thought to herself as she felt Mark's hand on her shoulder.
"How ya holding up Red?" He knows how she feels, was with her the night Emily died. He held her in his arms after she'd called time of death and after Derek lashed out at her so violently.
"I…let's go, Mark; I don't want Derek to know that I was here," she'd purposefully shown up to the funeral late, sat in the back and made sure not to draw any attention to herself.
"Addison, you can't hide from him forever; you have two kids together," Mark sighed as he walked back to her car with her.
"You don't get it Mark, Derek trusted me to save his child and I failed!" Addison runs a hand through her hair and sighs.
"You did everything you could Addie," Mark murmurs as he wraps his arms around her, though he quickly pulls himself from his embrace when he notices Lexie Grey staring at him.
"Go, she needs you, I'll see you around?"
"I'll call you," Mark tells her as she climbs into her car, though she quickly gets out of it when she notices Derek punching Mark in the face.
Shit.
She pauses, deciding on whether or not she should try and break it up. She decides not to and climbs back into her car and leaves; her eyes meet Meredith's as she drives away.
oOo
Carson is desperate to get away from her family; her anxiety is clawing at her throat as she tries to make small talk with her aunts, grandmother and cousins, but she just really wants to get away from everyone. She wishes that she could call her mother to come and pick her up, but after the way her father attacked Uncle Mark for hugging her mom at the funeral, she knows that she would be feeding her mom to the wolves if she called her to come and pick her up. She doesn't know how to do death, and this death is even more difficult because Emily was just a baby. She has a million emotions running through her head. Confusion, grief, sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, fear, shame; god she needs a Xanax bar right about now.
"Hey, you okay?" Aunt Amelia wraps an arm around her shoulders and smiles.
"Just wish I could get out of here, social situations, especially ones like this make me anxious," Carson mutters.
"Tell me about it; I wish your mom was here," Amelia confesses.
"Yeah, me too, but calling her right now would be just…this isn't her fault," Carson lets out a frustrated breath.
"I know, that, you know that, everyone knows that what happened to Emily wasn't Addison's fault,"
"Yeah, everybody but Grandma Carolyn and dad," Carson mutters, running a hand through her hair.
"I'm glad you dyed it back Red, you look better as a redhead," Amelia tells her.
"Mom told you I dyed my hair?" Carson groans.
"She was worried about you, she still is…we all are,"
"Aunt Amy, not you too,"
"I get what it's like Carson; I've been there. I was 5 when your grandfather got shot, right in front of me," Carson sighs as she recalls the story she's heard since she was big enough to remember.
"I know the story Aunt Amy,"
"It's one thing to hear it from Derek or your mom, but its different to hear it from another perspective. I struggled, for years I struggled with why it happened, I blamed myself, I couldn't eat or sleep…social situations made me anxious," Amelia is giving her a knowing look as she parrots Carson's words from earlier.
"Sometimes I just…"
"Need some drugs to take the edge off?" Amelia smirks knowingly at her niece's guilty expression.
"I…"
"How long and what are you taking?"
"It's just some Xanax bars Aunt Amy I promise! Please don't tell my parents!" Carson's pleading eyes remind Amelia of a younger version of herself when she'd went off the wagon and made Addison promise not to tell anyone.
"How long have you been taking Xanax?"
"Um, maybe a year?" Amelia sighs heavily.
"And your mom and dad have no idea?"
"I think mom suspects something is going on, because I got arrested on Thanksgiving and-"
"So that's why she ran off so fast!" Amelia says to herself.
"Yeah, I was with some friends and we were high and-"
"High on what?"
"I swear I've only taken Xanax and smoked weed," She stares long and hard at Carson, knowing that she should tell Addison, but she also knows that Addison will tell Derek and the last thing he needs right know is to know his daughter's been doing drugs for the better part of a year because of his shooting.
Fuck this is bad.
"Listen, the only reason I'm not busting your ass and telling your parents is because they've both been through too much shit this year. But I swear to God Carson Danielle Forbes Montgomery Shepherd, if this gets any worse than what it is-"
"I swear it won't, because I'm almost out of pills and-"
"Breathe; if you decide to stop using its gonna be hard as hell because your body's gotten so dependent on it. You're about to go on Spring Break, right?"
"Yeah…"
"Good, because you can go to rehab and-"
"Whoa, Aunt Amy; I never said I was gonna stop taking Xanax," Carson says as Amelia sighs heavily.
"Carson, if you keep taking those drugs then-"
"I'm not you, Aunt Amy; this is exactly I didn't tell my parents, because whenever somebody talks about drugs they bring you up. I'm not gonna turn out like you,"
"Wow, I knew you had some Montgomery in you, but I'd hoped that because Addison is less of Montgomery that you'd be spared; I guess not," Amelia looks hurt and instantly, Carson regrets her words as she watches her aunt walk away.
"Shit," She sighs before pulling out her cell and texting Michael, letting him know that she was almost out of pills.
oOoOo
Derek is frantic, though considerably more calm than Meredith was as he makes his way up to PEDS.
"Addison…" Mark is hot on his heels, both of them rushing to get to baby Emily.
"She's fine so far; the cold she had has turned into RSV and, it looks pretty serious," Addison hates the look of fear she sees in Derek's eyes.
"But you can fix her, right? You can make sure Em's okay, right Red?"
"I've got my team doing everything they can to get her fever down and to keep her hydrated," Addison tells them; she's trying to distance herself from this case, trying hard not to get overly involved. She's talking to Derek and Mark like she would any other patient. Today, they're not her ex husband and her best friend slash ex lover, today, they're a scared father and godfather.
"She's being distant," And there goes all hopes of not connecting to this case.
"Derek, I'm not-"
"You're handling me; I don't need to be handled, Addison. I need you to make sure that my daughter is okay," He's instantly frustrated, which brings out Addison's ire as well.
"And I'm doing that Derek; I've been working in PEDS for over 20 years plus I've dealt with RSV in both my children. I know what I'm doing and yes, I am handling you because I really shouldn't be overseeing this case but since you and Meredith requested me then yes, I am going to handle you so that I don't freak out over the fact that my patient is my ex husband's newborn daughter with his mistress turned post-it wife," Mark has the common sense to step between them, knowing that things could get ugly and fast.
"Shep, you know Addison's the best, and if she said she's doing everything she could to make sure Em gets better, then trust her," Derek and Addison remain in a staring contest for a few more moments before Derek sighs heavily.
"Fine, but if something happens to my daughter…I will never forgive you Addison,"
oOoOo
"Wow, you should really get that looked at," Nancy pulls up a seat next to Mark outside on Meredith's front porch.
"I'm surprised you came," Mark is nursing a glass of scotch as well as the pretty nasty shiner he got from Derek at the cemetery.
"Derek's my baby brother, and while I do not acknowledge Meredith as my sister-in-law, Emily was my niece and I can put aside my feelings about Meredith to be kind. Nobody should have to go through what she's going through," Nancy takes a swig of her own beer as she and Mark fall into a comfortable silence.
"She's miserable ya know, Addison I mean,"
"Oh I know; I saw her as soon as I got here. Derek's being an ass,"
"Agreed; he punched me because I hugged Addison,"
"He tried to bar her from coming to the funeral. I don't know what the hell his problem is," Nancy shakes her head before reaching into her purse for a cigarette.
"Don't look at me like that Mark, I only do it occasionally when I'm stressed," Nancy takes a drag of her cig and closes her eyes.
"If Mrs. Shepherd ever-"
"Whoa, since when did mom become Mrs. Shepherd?" Nancy shifts in her seat to get a good look at the boy she's known as her other little brother for most of her life.
"I mean, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at any of you the same, not after what happened between Addison and I,"
"Mark, that was almost 6 years ago, we're over it, Derek's over it, Addie's over it."
"I don't think Derek will ever get over it,"
"Derek has a lot of things he'll never be able to get over, but that's life. Some people can let go of the past, others can't,"
"Is that why you're still holding a grudge against Meredith?"
"I'm not…look, it's not that I hate Meredith I just, I hate what Derek did to Addie. If he had just, come home every now and fucking then, and if he had tried, really tried to work on their marriage when she moved to Seattle then-"
"Nance, what's really going on?"
"Mitch cheated, well, I cheated first and then Mitch cheated," Nancy confesses as Mark's eyes widen.
"Wow,"
"Yeah," Nancy sighs as she rests her head against Mark's shoulder.
"Does mom know?"
"Yeah, she knows; she's not happy with either of us. Says we should work it out but…we haven't been happy in years. Casey, Charlotte, Jessa, and Noah are all young adults and Ethan doesn't really care what we do as long as we promise to stop bickering…"
"You guys thinking about divorce?"
"We're already separated; try not to mention it to Derek, will ya?"
"That's if he'll even speak to me again," Mark sighs as he takes another sip of his scotch.
"He will; he's just hurting, and losing Emily while Addison was her doctor, I guessed it opened some old wounds for him," Nancy shrugs, taking another pull of her cig
"He hasn't asked how Meredith is, he hasn't checked on Carson and Ryan. Hell, Lexie and Carson had to help Meredith plan the service. He's been living out in his trailer since Addison called time of death,"
oOo
She's been working nonstop to try and will little Emily Shepherd back into good health but she's only getting worse. It's hard to do her job, especially with Derek breathing down her neck, not to mention keeping Carson and Ryan updated about their baby sister, plus, she's trying to keep Meredith calm while trying not to go insane herself. Emily's immune system is low, something she finds herself getting frustrated with her pediatrician about. She's been in constant contact with Cooper and Pete on things she can try since Emily's so small but still she's coming up short. Emily is just shy of being on a ventilator but it looking to be her only option at this point, which she knows Derek will be adamantly against. She knows he'll bitch about it but, it's the last resort.
"No, absolutely not," and just like she predicted, Derek is 100 percent against putting Emily on a vent.
"Derek…"
"No, she's young and the longer she's on the vent the greater chance her organs have of deteriorating," Addison runs a hand through her hair as she sits with Meredith and Derek, as well as Cristina, Mark and Lexie in the PEDS waiting room. Carson and Ryan are in Addison's office; the adults agreed that this wasn't a conversation they needed to be a part of.
"I know you don't like it Derek but, Emily's lungs are far too weak for her to keep using an oxygen mask," Maybe he'll take it better if it hears it from Arizona Addison hopes.
"Mere…" Addison has to turn away because she hates seeing Derek like that, so desperate as he looks over at Meredith, who is looking at her.
"She's eventually gonna die, isn't she?" Meredith is wearing a calm and serene look on her face, though her eyes are full of sorrow and fear. She's trying to be strong, trying to be the one who holds it together.
"I…"
"Just be straight with me for once Addison, because I know you've been going above and beyond to keep Emily alive for the last four days. I know because she's coded almost every single day. Is my daughter going to die?" Addison sighs heavily, closes her eyes in order to keep the tears from falling. In this moment, she has so much respect for Meredith; she doesn't know if she'd be able to keep it together if the roles were reversed. Both Carson and Ryan got RSV as babies, but they'd both fared better than their baby sister was currently doing.
"She's not progressing and we've done everything we know humanly possible to do; her RSV is far too severe and her immune system is too weak to fight it off," Arizona decides to step in and deliver the bad news, though Derek's eyes are still trained on Addison.
"I need to hear her say it," Derek's hand is pointed at Addison; he knows, he knows that this is going to end badly but he only wants the news from her.
"Derek…"
"Say it,"
"Der, stop,"
"Say it,"
"Derek-"
"Say it goddammit! I want you to tell me that my daughter is going to die because you were too stupid and too incompetent to-"
"Derek, that's enough," Mark has stood, has a gentle hand his shoulder, though Derek shoves it away and proceeds to move into Addison's personal space.
"I've seen you fight for patients before, I've seen you fight until you had to be forced to stop and you're just giving up on her like that? I remember how you willed that baby up in the NICU to fight, you remember, the one who'd been born prematurely and left to be strung out on drugs. You made me fight for her, even when everything around me said I shouldn't. You made me fight and you can't even fight for my daughter…you're pathetic,"
"Derek, stop it," Meredith has moved to stand beside him as he inches closer to Addison's face.
"Fight for her, Addison," Derek is still talking to her, forcing her to look at Emily, who looks completely miserable in her incubator.
"Derek, stop!" Meredith is trying to pull him away but he won't listen.
"Look at her, what if she were Carson or Ryan?"
"Derek I have been fighting; there's nothing-"
"No,"
"Derek, look at her! She's so frail and so small; she's miserable Derek. I can keep fighting, I can put her on a vent but Derek…she doesn't have any more fight left to give," She's staring him in his eyes, hating the pain he's in but she knows her patient; little Emily has reached the end.
Derek pulls away before staring at Meredith who nods in agreement with Addison.
"It's time to let her go, Derek,"
The hardest thing she's ever had to do, besides tell Derek that his daughter was dying, was relay the same message to her children. Neither of them took the news well; luckily, Mark was there with her to make things hurt less.
"But, you did everything you could, right mom? You exhausted every avenue you could, right?" Carson is openly crying; she and Meredith had come to some sort of understanding since just before she gave birth. She adored her little sister, constantly snapping selfies of the two of them and Ryan and sharing them on her social media accounts.
"You know your mom did everything she-"
"No, I need to hear her say it; mom, you did everything you could, right?"
"Carson of course I did; Emily's immune system is too weak to keep fighting and by the time Meredith brought her in, her RSV had advanced," Carson lets out a harsh breath before resting her head between her knees, rocking back and forth for a few moments before she stood.
"I need some air," she quickly grabs her purse and heads out of her mom's office.
"Carson-"
"Let her go, Red; she needs time," Mark tells her as she leans forward, resting her head in her lap.
"I did everything I could Mark, I swear I did but-"
"I know you did Red; give him time, he's hurting. Em's only a baby and-"
"Yeah, I know; we almost lost Carson and Ryan the same way,"
14 Years Ago
She's never been more scared in her life, seeing her three year old daughter in a hospital bed. She's got RSV and its making Addison nervous. Of course her doctors told her that it wasn't that serious, but she's not getting better. Addison has tears in her eyes as she watches her babygirl cry and reach out for her. She can't pick her up because of all of the tubes and wires restricting her. Addison walks towards the tiny bed and runs a hand along Carson's face. Her hair is sticking to her head, her cheeks are red from fever and crying and those chubby little hands are reaching up for her.
She's scared.
"She misses you," Derek has wrapped his arm around her waist, his chin pressing into her shoulder.
"I know; I can't wait until she gets out of here," Addison sighs, allowing Carson to grasp her finger.
"She's strong Addie, she'll get over this and we'll have her at home, running around the house," Derek grins, giving Addison a playful shove.
"She's a fighter, just like her mother,"
"No, she's resilient, like her father," Derek presses a kiss to Addison's head.
"Hey honey, you have to get better or else you'll drive your mother crazy," Addison manages to chuckle through her tears, and for the first time in days, Carson smiles back at them.
She gets out of the hospital two days later.
oOoOo
Emily's journey comes to an end on a Sunny Tuesday afternoon. Addison finds it ironic that on the day that an infant is going to die, that the weather is beautiful. Perhaps God or the Universe felt that it would be fitting for the weather to be beautiful to symbolize a beautiful life cut far too short. She can almost feel the looks of nurses and other doctors as she makes her way down the hall. Of course, she feels like they're judging her; and some of them probably are. How ironic is it that the child of her ex-husband and his mistress dies on her watch?
She's not stupid, she's heard a few of them saying that she perhaps did something to make Emily's condition get worse. Of course Mark, Callie, Bailey, and Richard have tried to shield her from such idiotic talk, but still it gets to her. Arizona has volunteered to 'take care of everything for her' but no, this is her cross to bear and bear it she will. She tried to talk Carson out of coming today but she insisted that she be here. Ryan was not allowed, but he'd been able to spend some time with his baby sister earlier this morning. He's currently in her office with April Kepner, who's trying very hard to distract him but he knows what today is.
By the time she makes it to the room, Meredith is there, Cristina right beside her as they both stare into Emily's hospital crib. Mark is there, standing beside Derek and Carson, who are nowhere near close to Emily's bed. Bailey and Richard are there as well but are standing close t the door; Mark gives her a sympathetic smile as she avoids Derek's stare.
"Please Addie, please fight harder," He's touching her, pleading with her not to do this.
"Derek, I'm sorry…"
"You asked me, you asked me to do the impossible with Archer. You asked me to be God and save your brother and I did. So I'm asking you, please be a God today and save my daughter Addison," Addison is torn; she glances back at Meredith who seems to have made her peace with everything.
Then she looks at Derek, Derek whom she loved for over 15 years, knows better than anyone else. But Meredith is shaking her head; she knows that her daughter is ready to go.
"Derek, I'm sorry but there's nothing else I can do for Emily," Carson's eyes water before she buries her face in Mark's shirt.
"Addison, please,"
"Derek…I've done everything I can do for her; whatever happens next is up to Emily," She tries to give his hand a squeeze but he pulls back like he's been burned; it stings.
"Addison, I can-"
"No, Arizona; Emily's my patient, I can handle it…Karev I know how close you are to Meredith so-"
"I'm staying, Montgomery; Mere's my friend but this is my job and I need to be able to handle any kind of situation I get put it, that's what you keep telling me right?" Alex is doing his best to remain stoic but she can tell that this case is eating at him.
"You're right; are we ready?" Alex and Arizona both nod as the three of them make their way toward Emily's hospital crib.
oOo
Addison takes sharp intake of breath; Emily reminds her so much of Carson in this moment. She looks so miserable, like she's tired of fighting and for a split second when their eyes meet, it punches her in the gut of how painful this is going to be.
"I don't want her to suffer," Addison has to swim through the haze of thoughts to hear what Meredith is saying.
"What?"
"I don't want her to suffer; when you remove the breathing tubes, don't resuscitate, don't do anything. I want her to go in peace,"
"Meredith…"
"Addison, please," She hears the crack in Meredith's voice when she says her name and it gets to her.
"Okay, okay…" For a second, no one in the room moves, because no matter who does it, this will not end well. This will not end well at all; Addison starts to move but Alex is faster, walks Meredith through the entire process.
"I'm gonna turn off her machine and remove the tube from her nose," Meredith looks up at Alex with tearful eyes and nods, watching Alex turn off the machines and remove the oxygen mask.
"Can I, can I hold her?" Meredith keeps her eyes on Addison who mutely nods before stepping forward to take Emily into her arms. She's unsure of how she's able to pick her up and her arms not shake. She hasn't bothered to look at Derek or Carson, can't stand to see the disappointment in their eyes.
"Derek…"
"Don't Addison,"
"Derek, you should, you should be with her," She watches as Meredith cradles Emily in her arms as Cristina acts as her rock.
She can hear Mark behind her, trying to convince Derek that he should spend whatever time he has left with Emily. She doesn't miss the way Carson's arms wrap around her waist or the tears that hit the back of her neck. She immediately turns and holds her daughter close. This is the last thing she needs right now after all that she's been through. She closes her eyes, doing her best to hold back her own tears as she soothes her daughter's pain. Carson pulls away after a few moments and moves to join Meredith and Cristina. It takes a few minutes of convincing but Derek eventually makes his way towards Meredith and Emily, but not before stepping into Addison's personal space, telling her,
"I will never forgive you for this,"
"Derek…"
"No, you could've done more but you didn't try; I asked you to be God and you couldn't…I never wanna see your face again; if its not pertaining to Carson or Ryan, I want you out of my sight. I should've divorced you as soon as you came to Seattle. You're nothing to me Addison, absolutely nothing," he was fuming and rightfully so; he was about to lose his child.
"Derek, that's enough," Mark places a firm but gentle hand on his shoulder, steering him away from Addison.
"Addie, if you need a minute-" Richard's hand is on her shoulder; she's shaking
"Yeah, I need a minute," She doesn't bother to look back before leaving the room for a few moments to catch her breath.
oOo
She slides down against the wall, not caring if anyone saw her cry. She needed a moment dammit; she doesn't know how much time has passed until she feels Cristina's hand on her shoulder.
"She's gone," She sees the pain in Yang's eyes as she stands, gently placing a hand on her shoulder.
"I'm sorry, for your loss; you were her godmother, right?" Cristina nods solemnly as she and Addison walk back into the room.
She does her best to remain stoic but its hard to, especially when the sadness in the room is so thick that its hard to breathe. There's not a dry eye in the room, so Addison has to be strong; being strong is what Montgomery's do. She's hesitant to intrude on Meredith's final moments with her child but she knows what has to be done. She regrets bursting Meredith's bubble but she has to make sure that Emily's gone. Derek's eyes are like burning lasers as she carefully listens for a heartbeat and a pulse; there is none. She glances back at the clock, the time and date forever etched into her memory; April 19, 2011.
"Time of death, 14:27,"
oOoOo
She's sitting in her living room that night nursing a glass of wine when the doorbell rings. Clash, the Labrador-Great Dane Carson and Ryan had convinced her to get from the shelter is barking up a storm as she pads her way down the hall to the front door. She's shocked to find Derek's sisters and his mother on her doorstep along with their husbands and children. Of course the children are more than happy to see her, showering her with hugs. She's completely confused as to why all of the Shepherds are there until she sees her daughter standing behind all of them.
"What did you do?" She's standing there as Carson stands at the threshold of the door, scuffing the toe of her shoe.
"I didn't do anything, honest," Carson is wearing the same guilty look she had when she was 13 and had damaged one of Addison's purses after taking it without permission.
"Carson…"
"Okay so, maybe I overheard grandma talking bad about you and, I snapped," Addison sighs heavily as she lets her daughter in, pulling her into a hug.
"You shouldn't stick your nose in places it doesn't belong,"
"I just wanted to protect you, somebody had to,"
"I'm the mom; I protect you, not the other way around, got it?"
Carson smiles up at her mother before leading her into the living room where all of the Shepherds are. She still can't believe she's looking at all 14 of Derek's nieces and nephews. She's even more surprised that they still call her 'Aunt Addie'. She's used to Derek's sisters still treating her kind, but she hasn't seen their kids since just before the divorce and was unsure of how they'd react to seeing her after so long.
"Aunt Addie we've missed you," Shep, Nancy's baby boy (and only son) is 14 now and is the first to give her a hug.
"Wow! Shep I barely recognized you! You've gotten so big!" Addison gives him a hug, making him blush about the fact that he's almost as tall as she is.
"It's been a long time, Addie," Kathleen is wrapping her into a hug; they've been in contact since the shooting, but it's been even longer since she's seen her in person.
"You too Kath,"
"You should come to Boston to visit," Nancy gives her a grin and a hug; Nancy came to visit her almost as soon as she got into town. She's always been one of her favorite Shepherd sisters.
"Wow, Derek had this place built for you? Impressive," Amelia nods as her eyes glance over everything. Amelia is the only Shepherd she's kept in touch with over the years; Carolyn has always been bitter about how quickly Amelia took to Addison.
"I had no idea he was building this place," Addison wraps an arm around Amelia who smiles at her.
"With Derek being an asshole you could-"
"Amelia, your brother's grieving," Carolyn's voice is sharp, causing the other women to turn and look at her.
"Mom, Derek is hurting, but he had no right to treat Addie how he's been treating her, or Mark for that matter," Nancy has always been the one to put Carolyn in her place when it came to Derek.
"Did you really do everything you could Addie?" Carolyn carefully approaches her, taking Addison's hands into her own. There's something in her eyes Addison's never seen before; understanding.
"I really did; Emily had a really bad case of RSV and by the time Meredith brought her into the ER, it had developed into pneumonia and her immune system was weak. Carolyn, if I could've spared Derek the pain of losing a child, I would've," It takes everything inside of Addison not to cry, because this case, Emily's case, has been perhaps the most emotional case she's dealt with in her entire career.
Carolyn stares at her for a few moments, sighing heavily as she shakes her head.
"I know Derek's not a perfect man but…why Addie? Why would you sleep with Mark of all people, his best friend!?" Derek's sister's immediately glance over at their children, luckily Amelia ushers them off into the living room, though she's not met without complaints.
"Why don't we find some place that's not so…busy, to talk about this," Addison can tell that Carolyn has wanted to ask her that question since the minute Derek called her and told her what happened.
oOoOo
Meredith stands in the middle of her living room feeling numb. Everyone's gone home and it's just her, Lexie, Cristina, and Alex. Mark came to the wake later and avoided being inside at all costs. Derek's family left for Addison's after Carson's blow up at her grandmother. Derek's been sitting outside in the backyard nursing a beer for the last two hours. She doesn't know how she feels, right now it's just…numb.
"Mere, are you okay?" Lexie has been ultra supportive during this time, even getting their father Thatcher and their sister Molly to show up.
"What kind of question is that? Her baby died and Derek's being an asshole, how do you think she's doing?" Alex snaps.
"People grieve differently," Lexie calmly argues.
"So you think that Derek being so cruel to Addison and punching Mark in the face and not having any opinion in how our daughter was buried is okay!?" It's the most Meredith has spoken since Emily died.
"Mere, I…"
"Y'know what? Go, just get the hell out," Cristina gives Lexie a nasty glare as she leads Meredith into the kitchen, going straight into the refrigerator and grabbing a bottle of tequila, pouring three shots for she, Meredith, and Alex. Surprisingly, Meredith declines, causing both Alex and Cristina to frown.
"I can't drink Cristina, I'm still…my body's still making milk like the baby's here and…right now, I don't wanna drink," Meredith's voice is low and sad as usual, but this time it's more hollow.
"So what do you want Mere?"
"I want my baby to not be dead; I want Addison to not be the one who called time of death, I want Derek to actually give a damn that our baby's dead…I want a lot of things Cristina, but we can't always get what we want now can we?" And there's something in Meredith's eyes that makes Cristina worry as she watches her friend stalk outside to the backyard where Derek is.
oOo
Addison has brought Carolyn into the kitchen where they watch the children sit outside near a makeshift bonfire chatting and talking and catching up with one another.
"They miss her; they miss them both," Carolyn says as Addison hands her a mug of coffee.
"She misses them too; so do I," Addison takes a seat across from her former mother-in-law, though her eyes are focused on how happy her daughter looks.
"This is the happiest she's been in nearly a year," Addison muses.
"Addie, about what I said earlier…I was never really been a good mom to you while you were married to Derek. It's not that I didn't trust you but…I always felt like you were…"
"Not good enough for Derek?" Addison raises an eyebrow at Carolyn who looks down sheepishly.
"I can't control who my parents are, I can't control how I was brought up. I take full responsibility for what happened between Derek and I, but Derek played a major part in our divorce too," Carolyn is silent as she sips on her coffee.
"Derek was never home, he put work before his family and instead of actually being present, he sent Mark over to do his role as a husband and father,"
"Did you ever love Derek, Addie?" Addison pinches the bridge of her nose; how dense could this woman be?
"I've always loved Derek, just because I slept with Mark doesn't change that. And for the record, I wasn't the only one who cheated," She doesn't mean for her bitterness to slip out but it does, because Carolyn seems hell bent on defending Derek.
"I know; Carley told me what he did at the prom with Meredith," Addison turns around once more to look at her former mother-in-law and…is that, sympathy she sees in her eyes?
"I really wish Carson hadn't told you that," Addison sighs.
"She told me a lot I didn't know; I had no idea that things were that bad for you and Derek towards the end…I don't, I don't hate you, Addie. I just, I only want what's best for Derek, and I tend to be more, lenient with him because he's my only boy and, I wanna protect him as much as I can. Amy told me how you helped her get that job in Los Angeles, how you gave her a place to stay, how you believed in her. I was always upset at how quickly Amy clung to you when she had 3 older sisters. I've been a stubborn old woman for quite some time Addie, and I haven't always treated you with the respect you deserve, and I'm sorry,"
She doesn't know what to say, honestly; it feels like she's being punk'd because she never thought she'd see the day where Carolyn Shepherd acknowledged that she'd been a downright bitch at times when it came to her ex-daughter-in-law. She swallows and does her best to keep her emotions in check when she responds,
"Uh, thank you, Carolyn,"
"Derek's angry, and he has every right to be; he lost a child…but what happened with Emily wasn't your fault Addie. I know you, and as a doctor, I'm sure you did everything you could to make sure that baby lived. As painful as it is…it just wasn't her time," Carolyn stands, gives Addison a smile before making herself comfortable in the kitchen.
"Have ya eaten yet Addie? I could whip up some of my meatloaf; I know how much you like it?" It's still weird as hell but she's thankful that God decided to give her a break and allow her mother-in-law (ex mother-in-law she quickly reminds herself) to hand her a peace offering.
"I've definitely missed it; I tried making it once but, we both know I'm a terrible cook," Both women laugh, their minds immediately go back to the hotdog thanksgiving.
"I could give you a few pointers if you want,"
"That'd be great, thank you,"
Carson stands on the patio with a satisfied smile; she managed to create peace between her mother and grandmother. If only she could bridge the gap between her parents…
"So it worked?" Ryan is standing beside her, his tiny arm wrapped around her waist.
"Yeah, looks like it did; we just have to get dad to stop being a jerk and things will be back to normal,"
"Hey Car?"
"Yeah, Ry?"
"Do you think mom could've saved Emily?" She looks down at her younger brother and smiles sadly.
"Yeah, mom's the best doctor there is; it's like the priest said earlier…this was just one of those unfortunate, fucked up situations," Ryan smirks at Carson's choice of words; the priest definitely did not say it like that but he gets what she means.
"Do you think we'll ever be okay?"
"I sure hope so kid, because the last thing we need is something else bad to happen," Carson stands on the patio a few minutes longer, watching as her aunts slowly make their way into the kitchen; soon, the Shepherd women are laughing and enjoying themselves over glasses of wine and coffee.
It feels nostalgic, to have her aunts and her mom in the kitchen laughing, her uncles are in the living room and out on the patio laughing, drinking, and watching football while she and her cousins chatted about life and goofed around. The only thing that was missing was her father and her uncle Mark. She places her hand into her pocket and feels the tiny Xanax bars that her body is craving, itching for her to pop. Yet, popping bars isn't doing it anymore. Smoking weed helps but…she misses the high that she got when she first started popping pills. Almost instantly, she can hear her Aunt Amelia in her head, warning her about how her drug habit would eventually worsen. No, she's not Aunt Amy; she doesn't need her pills, she hasn't taken one since she talked to Aunt Amy during the wake.
"I'll be right back Ry," With that she disentangles herself from her little brother's embrace and heads inside.
She gives her mom and the rest of the women in her family a wave before taking the back staircase up to her bedroom. When she gets inside, she rests against the door, taking a few deep breaths before going into her drawer and grabbing the rest of her pills and flushing them down the toilet. She doesn't miss the way her hands begin to shake the moment all of her pills are gone. She grabs her phone, texts Michael to tell him nevermind about getting her more pills. She thinks about taking her Aunt Amy up on her offer about going to rehab to help her detox.
She even thinks about telling her parents, or at least her mom about her drug use. She'd been going good for the last year, had her anxiety under attack, but it's been getting harder and harder to keep up this charade. She has to tell someone her secret; she opens the door to her bedroom, prepared to tell her mom what's been going on. However, by the time she makes it to the bottom step, the atmosphere has changed. Everyone is inside and suddenly on edge. Her mother looks distraught as she motions for her to come closer.
"Mom, what's wrong?"
"Honey, your father's been in an accident,"
Chapter 2 to follow…