AN: This is just some random fluff. It's set after season 3, but really does not go into any of the season 4/5 stuff at all.
She'd never appreciated silence when she was human. She'd craved noise, needed music to accompany simple things like getting dressed or putting make-up on, completing her homework at the Grill because the silence of the library made her mind go blank and dull.
It's different now.
The heartbeats can become overwhelming at times. Just being around living, breathing human beings makes her body ache with thirst for blood, all thoughts of proper behavior (ie not killing people) flying from her brain and all she can think of is feeding from the nearest person as soon as possible. Afterwards she'll hate herself for being so weak, and nothing Stefan or Caroline or anyone can say makes Elena feel better about those moments. It's in those moments when the truth fully hits her- she's a monster now.
"Will it get easier?" she whispers one night. That afternoon she'd gone shopping with Caroline and Bonnie and nearly attempted to massacre an entire store-full of people. She'd thought it would be better, easier by now- the first months she'd avoided people entirely, holing up in the Salvatore house like some recluse.
Caroline rubs her shoulders, and doesn't answer right away. "In time it will, Elena. You'll be able to control it. Mostly."
It's the mostly that scares her, gives her nightmares when she's wide awake. The first few months Elena couldn't stand to be alone with Jeremy because she was so certain she'd try to attack him, end up draining him. Those nights Stefan had been the only one who could even remotely calm her.
Caroline makes her drink some blood, wrinkling her nose at the combination of animal and human blood that Elena's been insisting on lately. Elena drinks only a little before faking a yawn; they've already planned (well, Caroline decided and Elena knew it was useless to fight) on having a sleep-over at Caroline's. She curls under the blankets and tries to forget how it had felt earlier, how she hadn't cared at all about killing people as long as it meant that she got blood.
Caroline's voice on the phone sounds tired and strained, although she does her best to reassure Stefan that everything, really, is totally and completely fine. "She just had a rough day. You know how it is- you just want a new pair of shoes and then you end up wanting to eat everything- everyone- in sight."
Stefan forces himself to stop pacing. "How is she now?"
"Sleeping," Caroline says. "Or trying to."
"Okay," Stefan picks up the framed photograph and stares at it. He hasn't seen Elena smile like that in ages.
"Stefan?" Caroline says after a moment. "Maybe she needs to get away for a little bit. Take her somewhere- she hasn't been out of town since, well, she died. Take her somewhere where she doesn't have to be afraid of hurting people."
"Unfortunately, people tend to be hard to avoid," Stefan murmurs, but he's already thinking of places, planning. "Do you think-,"
"She'd go anywhere with you," Caroline says.
Things had been quiet recently, the normal chaos of Mystic Falls settling into the dull rhythms of everyday life. Maybe, he thinks, maybe.
"Yes," Elena says immediately when Stefan asks her. "Yes."
She doesn't care about where or when or why, she just folds her body into his and twines her fingers in his hair.
She's tired of walking through her town, her home, and feeling like any moment she could completely destroy it. The only moments of true peace Elena's had in the past months have been in Stefan's arms, their legs tangled together and his lips in her hair. Even then, though, the threat's always there-she could hurt him, tear him apart. Maybe not physically (he is, after all, more than a century older), but certainly emotionally. She's done it before.
Sometimes she just wants to escape, nearly always she longs for normality.
If only she even knew what that word meant anymore.
It's more complicated getting into the lake house this time, but they manage. They always manage. Elena's heart aches a little as she steps through the doorway, remembering the look on Jeremy's face the first time he had to invite her into their house, but she has to admit that the lake house makes her feel safe. Maybe it was seeing the familiar furniture, maybe it was the silence, but here she can close her eyes and not be afraid of what she hears.
It's definitely the silence, she decides.
She finds Stefan on the dock and loops her arms around him, presses her body against his. "Thanks for this," she whispers and his hands cover hers.
"Caroline's idea," he says.
"She is a genius," Elena smiles. Slowly, she moves around him, her fingers dancing across his chest as she comes to stand in front of him. "It's weird being back here," she says almost to herself. Weird being dead, weird being "alive". "Caroline thought you'd take me to some secret island," she tells him, burrowing her fingers beneath his jacket. "Or a castle somewhere. She's convinced that you have both and that you've just been holding out."
Stefan smiles and Elena memorizes the curve of his lips, tucking the smile away in her memory for later. "I did think about it. Well, not a castle. There's this place I have-it's pretty secluded, quiet. Lexi didn't even know about it, and I don't think Damon knows."
"A secret hideaway," Elena murmurs with a little laugh.
"A place to escape," Stefan tells her. "Sometimes I would- well, I'd need to get away from everything and it's a good place to just... recharge, I guess."
Elena shivers and tucks her head beneath his chin. "Have you ever taken anyone there?"
"No," Stefan says.
"Would you ever take me there?" Elena whispers and looks up at him, laughing at the look he gives her because it's such a given. Of course he would. "Well, would you?" she asks playfully.
In response Stefan kisses her, his lips pressing firmly against hers, his tongue seeking hers. She runs her hands down his sides as they kiss, he's holding her face and she's melting into him, a fire burning through her body. It's not enough, the kisses, it's never enough, and she moans as he moves to her neck, sucking on her skin while he slides his hands beneath her shirt.
Then it happens. The blood rushes to her eyes and there's that horrible sound as her face changes, the painful crunch of skin and bones shifting. A strangled cry comes from Elena's throat as she pushes Stefan away, turning and hiding her face because even though it's happened before she's not used to it, sham coursing through her as she's reminded yet again that she has no control anymore. She doesn't want anyone to see her like this, monstrous and ugly and horrific, a girl who's caused so much death and is now dead herself. Tears stream down her face. She hates this. She really does.
His hands cover her shoulders and he's whispering to her, she forces herself to focus.
"Don't hide from me, love," Stefan murmurs and that only makes her cry harder. His hand slides down her arm and he takes her hand, loosely locking his fingers with hers. "Elena."
The way he says her name makes her turn around, still crying, still with her vampire face. The way he looks at her makes her duck her head, she can't believe the love and warmth emitting from his eyes, the lust and want that's on his face. Slowly, his fingers dance across her face, lingering on the ridges and bumps before tracing her lips; she opens them, just a little and he runs his finger along the sharpened edges of her teeth.
There's a smile on his face as he kisses her, and slowly she finds his hands and covers them with her own.
"I love you," he whispers and tilts his forehead against hers. He fists her hair and breathes her in, and she realizes her face has become normal again.
The first night she told him she loved him, she hadn't really understood how terrified he was that's she'd run away; the first time her face changed in front of him she'd been certain he'd become completely repelled of what she had become- Stefan, after all, as countless people had pointed out, hates being a vampire. Instead, though, he simply kissed her, the simple acceptance making her weep (she's been crying a lot lately). Still, she hates the transformation, the whisper of fear that skims through her every time.
"Do you remember the last time we were here?" Stefan asks. His voice is warm and Elena smiles.
"I seem to remember my boyfriend holding me and telling me he loved me," she says.
Just like he's holding her now. It's only a moment, just like it was then, but for a little while Elena thinks that everything will be all right.