CHAPTER ONE

Awake

It all started with not being able to fall sleep at night. A simple sleepless night that would soon go away just like some kind of phase a person would be going through. That wasn't the case for Alvin Seville, who knew this was more than just a phase. It was a virus that had no cure. This virus affected him ever since he began his first year of middle school. It made him lose interest of his favorite things. It made him feel distant from his loved ones and friends. It was a feeling that he grew to hate, and hoped that it would go away forever.

Alvin could hear a small rumble from outside his house; then a small flash of light catching his interest within a second. He let out a breath and turned his head towards his bedroom window, and noticing rain droplets stuck on the glass. Another rumble of thunder was heard from a distance, louder than the first one. Alvin turned his head away from the window and trembled under his blanket. He never really feared a thunderstorm before, but ever since he was feeling depressed, his fear of them became stronger than before. He scanned the room with his eyes noticing that darkness surrounded him, and the only light he could see was the lightning flashes from outside his window. He wouldn't have to deal with this anxiety if he just could have fallen asleep, but then we would fear about the nightmares coming back, as well as the dark voice that was echoing inside of his mind. Either way he would lose both ways, either staying awake or shutting his eyes for a minute. He would still hear the haunting words of 'depression' in his mind. The word stuck with him like a parasite. It was an evil attachment and Alvin just wants in gone forever.

Alvin gulped and attempted to close his eyes once more, but another rumble of thunder just made him jump some more. He moaned with agony as he lied back on his bed with fear and anxiety clear in his eyes. All he wants to do is sleep peacefully under his warm blanket. Alvin blinked quickly and looked over at his alarm clock sitting on his nightstand. It was almost two in the morning, the time when Alvin used to be able to sleep at night. He knew tonight was not going to be one of those nights. He wondered if he was going to get a peaceful sleep anymore.

Knowing that he was not going to get anywhere by laying down, Alvin sat up and pushed the covers off his lower body all the way down to his feet. He turned to sit on the edge of the bed and slowly got up. He walked slowly towards the bedroom door, making sure he didn't run into anything. Once he reached the door, he opened it and walked freely into the hallway, which looked better lit then Alvin's bedroom. He looked around the hall as he walked on the fuzzy carpet underneath him. It felt comforting for Alvin when his bare feet dragged on the fuzzy carpet. It soon ended when his feet touched the wooden floor, which was slightly cold. He sighed lightly while he continued walking towards the bathroom door. He stopped short as soon as his was near Simon's bedroom. He slowly walked past the opened door to see his brother sleeping peacefully on his bed. Alvin envied Simon for sleeping so peacefully at night. He wished that he could be able to as well. He carefully walked passed Simon's bedroom and focused his attention to the bathroom up ahead.

Once he made his way towards the bathroom, he gently opened the door and reached out his hand for the light switch on the wall next to him. He finally found it and turned it on, and squinted when the bright light shone around him. While getting adjusted to the new lighting, Alvin gently closed the door behind him and made his way towards the bathroom sink. He stood up on the stepping stool and turned on the knob for the cold water. He placed both hands under the rushing cold water and held it in like a bowl. He quickly leaned in and splashed the water on his face. The cold sensation made him shiver, but the feeling felt absolutely amazing. He repeated the action again and again, until he felt a little better. He turned off the water and wiped of the extra water from his face with his hands. He breathed heavily and looked at his reflection on the bathroom mirror. He looked fine on the outside, but on the inside he was in pain. He needed to temporarily relieve that pain for a good night sleep.

Alvin took a good look at the mirror and a thought came to his mind. He remembered having access to sleeping pills that could actually help him sleep at night. He knew Dave would kill him if he found out that his son was taking pills without permission. Even if Alvin did ask his father figure, he knew that Dave would never give Alvin that kind of permission without a certain medical reason. Hell would freeze over before Alvin would ever tell Dave how he was feeling. It's something he wants to keep confidential, not only from Dave, but form everyone he knows.

Alvin opened the mirror cabinet and looked at the many accessories used for the bathroom. There was hair gel, deodorants, Band-Aids, and a box of Q-tips. These were the items that caught Alvin's eyes. He scanned up and down on each shelf while moving items around to look for those sleeping pills.

'Where the hell is it?' Alvin asked in thought, frustratingly looking for the bottle.

Alvin reached his arms a little higher on the top shelf and moved one huge bottle out of the way. An orange cap caught his attention and reached up to grab the orange capped bottle. He stood up on his toes to reach for the bottle that was too far back on the top shelf. He grunted as he stretched his arms a little more. "Come on…come on…"

With one last stretch, Alvin finally grabbed the orange capped bottle from the top shelf. He sighed in relief as he stood back down on his feet and stared at the bottle in front of him. The prescription name of the prescription bottle was in bold letters. It was called: Trazodone. Alvin then read the description. The small print read: Take two times a day with a meal or a snack.

Alvin bit his lip and looked over at the door. He couldn't risk the chance of going downstairs to the kitchen and grab food or snacks. The chances of him getting caught by Dave or one of his brothers are slim to none. He looked back down on the bottle and read the description once more. He knew there was no other way to take this without a consuming a beverage or food. He could force the pills down his throat, but that could lead to disaster. He let out a breath and inserted the bottle in his red pajama pocket. He hopped off the stool and made his way to the door. He opened it and turned off the lights as he exited the bathroom.

He prayed to himself in hoping that nobody would be able to hear him walking down the hallway. The only noise he could hear was the storm outside and the bottle of pills rattling inside of his pajama pocket. He walked towards the staircase and noticed that the down stairs was darker than the hallway he was in. He reached out for the railing and carefully made his way down the steps. Each step he took made him wish that he didn't hit a squeaky step. He planned to keep quiet while he snuck downstairs and grab the items he needed for his pills. He made his final step down to the den and flipped on the light switch near him. The light was good enough for Alvin as he made his way into the kitchen.

'Okay, all I need is a beverage and a snack and I'm good to go.' Alvin planned in thought as he made his way to the refrigerator.

He opened the refrigerator door and bent down to get a good look at the beverages and snacks left in there. He was saddened to know that there was no Turkey Hill Iced Tea left in the refrigerator. It was one of Alvin's absolute favorite beverages, aside from soda. He pouted and searched the refrigerator for a replacement. A bottle of red Gatorade caught his eye and grabbed the cold plastic bottle out of the refrigerator. He stood up and closed the refrigerator door, not taking his eyes of the bottle. Alvin loved the red one because, needless to say, red was his favorite color. Just like Simon's favorite was blue, and Theodore, green.

Alvin then opened the cabinet doors to search for a snack that he really liked. There wasn't that many junk foods kept in the house because Dave cut down on the amount of junk food they ate. As much as Alvin hated that idea, he had to admit that Dave was only trying to keep them healthy. It was one of the things that Alvin loved about his father figure.

A blue box of Chocolate Chips Pop Tarts caught his eye and he grabbed the box from the shelf. He opened the slip as he held the bottle of Gatorade with his arm just like a mother would hold a baby. He took out a silver sealed bag and placed the box back on the shelf. He closed the cabinet with his foot and walked over to the kitchen table, where he placed both his drink and snack. He took a seat on the soft cushioned chair and began to open the sealed bag. He slipped out the Pop Tart and began to eat it slowly. As he sat there chewing, he looked a nearby window to see the rain droplets hitting the glass. It would have been relaxing, if it wasn't for the thunder and lighting. Alvin sighed through his nose as he looked back down on his Pop Tart. He swallowed and took another bite; tasting the chocolate goo inside.

Alvin slowed down his chewing and swallowed what was left in his mouth. Something inside of him was not feeling right, and he didn't feel like eating anymore. It seemed like Alvin wasn't interested in eating food anymore. He placed the half eaten Pop Tart on top of the table and grabbed his bottle of Gatorade. He twisted the cap off the bottle and began drinking. He brought the bottle down to the table and let out a small burp. He had to admit that the cold drink was refreshing. He just wishes it could heal the pain inside of him. He sighed lightly and looked up at the wall where the clock was hung. It was around two-thirty and Alvin knew he should be sleeping right about now.

Keeping that idea into thought, Alvin reached inside his pajama pocket and pulled out the bottle of sleeping pills. He placed the bottle on top of the table and stared at it thoughtfully. He knew the idea of taking pills for his age was wrong, but he needed it more than anything. He paid good money for this prescription and he going to take them whether it was a good idea or not. He was kind of skeptical though, because he bought them from a dealer at school. He knew that the pharmacy was not going to just give a thirteen year old boy a prescription bottle without a parent or guardian. He had no other choice but to trust the dealer at school.

Alvin picked up the container as he pushed and twisting the cap off. He placed the cap on the table, followed by dumping the pills on the table as well. He set the bottle down and examined the pills that were sitting on the table. They were white circular pills with small letters written on them. He took his finger and began playing with each pill sitting on the table. He was having second thoughts about taking the sleeping pills. He knew it was wrong and the guilty feeling of taking them would bother him forever. At the same time, he needed it. He needed that goodnight sleep he has been desperately begging for. He needed that painful feeling inside of him to go away. He just needed to be himself again, and someone to pull him into a hug. Someone to kiss him and tell him that everything would be alright. That's all he needed.

Tears welled up in Alvin's eyes, and the prescription drugs that were lying on the table were now a blur to him. He felt his head pounding and his breathing cut short. That painful emotion was all coming back to his mind. A terrible memory of his depression stabbed him right where it hurt the most. The room around him was getting smaller and smaller. He felt as he was trapped in a dark place full of his fears and anxieties. Hearing that voice in his mind haunting him, repeating the phrase:

"You are worthless. You are nothing more than a waste of life."

Alvin closed his eyes shut and attempting to push away the evil voice in his mind. He took deep breathes, in hoping that the scary place he was in would soon go away. He soon felt himself calming down, and the dark voice repetition of the phrase soon dying down word after word. Once everything calmed down, Alvin opened his eyes and looked around the kitchen. Everything was back to the way it was. Alvin began rubbing his face with his hands, wiping off the teas that dampened his lightly furry cheeks. A loud rumbling thunder made him jump with fright. The cruel action from Mother Nature hurting the young boy, after just calming down from a painful experience moments ago.

Alvin looked up at the clock and was shocked at the time. It was three in the morning! Alvin wondered how half an hour passed since he last checked the time. Shaking his head, he looked

back own at the pills still sitting on the table. He mentally counted the pills and came to a total of twenty. He took a deep breath and picked up a single pill and placed it inside his mouth. He held it on his tongue while he grabbed the opened bottle of Gatorade and began drinking until he swallowed the pill. He brought the dink down and shuddered lightly. There was a bad aftertaste of the pill that made him feel uneasy. He looked down at the rest of the pills and picked up the second one. With eyes closed, he took a deep breath and placed the second pill in his mouth. He quickly took another sip of his drink and swallowed. He opened his eyes realizing that the second pill didn't affect him as much as the first one. There was a great feeling when he took that second pill.

Without thinking, Alvin picked up a third pill and placed it inside his mouth. This time he felt himself feel a little nausea after the third pill. He looked down at the bottle and suddenly realized that he was only supposed to take two. Anxiety got the best of Alvin as he sat there without moving a muscle. He wondered if that third pill would affect him in a positive or negative way. He decided not to think about it as he lightly twitched and used his hand to push the remaining pill into a small pile. He picked up the empty container and placed it under the table and carefully pushed the pills inside the container. Once he was finished, he closed the cap on the bottle and paced it in his pocket. He put all thee items away before shutting the light off and made his way to the stairway.

Alvin quietly walked up the stairs and made sure not to wake anyone up as he passed a couple of bedrooms down the hall. He entered the bathroom and turned on the light switch. He closed the door behind him and locked it. He made his way on the stool to put the sleeping pills back in the cabinet. Something with the height made Alvin feel slightly dizzy but kept his focus on the task. He grabbed the bottle from his pocket and opened the cabinet. He carefully went on his tippy toes to place the bottle back where it was; however, his head began to spin and placed one foot back at the edge of the stool. Alvin screamed as he fell backwards, knocking stuff from inside the cabinet into the sink and him falling on his back with a 'thud!'.

Alvin groaned as his back ached and his head was spinning faster than before. His heart was pounding at a quick pace and his breathing became heavy. He felt himself going to pass out any minute. He closed his eyes to try and contain himself with the constant spinning. He coukd feel his thought coming back to him as he heard a soft tapping noise and a light voice. As his mind became clearer, so did the sound.

"-vin."

Alvin moaned as he slowly picked himself up on his elbows. That is when he heard knocking on the door.

"Alvin, are you in there? Is everything is alright?"

Alvin instantly knew the voice belonged to his brother, Simon. He shook his head and attempted to speak. "Y-yeah. I'm in here." Alvin then realized the bunch of items that had also fallen on the floor and quickly got up to put the items away. "Just give me a sec!" Alvin exclaimed to his brother behind the bathroom door.

Alvin quickly gathered the items together and placed them in the cabinet. He thought fast by flushing the toilet and running the water in the sink as he continued to put the stuff away. He let out a breath as he closed the cabinet door and shut off the running water.

He took a deep breath and composed himself before opening the bathroom door to find Simon standing there half-asleep. He rolled his eyes. "Took you long enough."

Alvin scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, sorry."

Simon's eyes then had concern written in them. He raised an eyebrow. "Everything alright?"

Alvin cleared his throat and feigned a smile. "Of course. I'm not allowed to use the restroom?"

Simon sighed lightly. "I heard you scream."

"Oh," Alvin started. He pointed behind him. "I tripped on the stepping stool."

Simon chuckled, "And I thought I was the klutz in the family."

Alvin open his mouth to respond, but he jumped when he heard the sound of thunder. He blushed when he noticed Simon smirking at him.

"You never really liked thunderstorms." Simon said, while watching Alvin compose himself. "I never understood why you are afraid of them."

Alvin sighed and looked at Simon. "I just hate them. I can't sleep through them like you can." With that, Alvin realized something. "How did you hear me scream if you can sleep through a storm?"

"I needed to use the bathroom." Simon cleared his throat. "So if you don't mind..." Simon trailed off.

Alvin nodded in understanding. "Oh, right, sorry." He moved aside to let Simon pass through. "It's all yours."

Simon rolled his eyes, but smiled. "Thanks." As Alvin started walking towards his room, Simon turned and called, "Alvin?"

Alvin turned to him and instantly noticed the concern in his eyes. "Yeah?"

"Try to get a goodnight sleep tonight, okay?" Simon said sympathetically.

Alvin nodded. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Alvin." With that, Simon shut the door behind him.

Alvin let out a breath as he we turned around and walked back to his bedroom. He closed the door behind him and walked towards his bed. He laid down as he felt himself getting sleepy. He pulled the covers over himself and looked at the clock on his night stand. It was close go three in the morning and he has to be up in four hours! Alvin shook his head and turned it towards the ceiling. He closed his eyes in attempt to sleep, but thunder roared, causing the chipunk to jump with widened eyes. His life was a begining of a nightmare. He just wanted this inner pain to go way. He just wanted to sleep. He started to feel himself get emotional as his eyes began to water.

'I have to feel better soon.' Alvin thought. "I just have to'

Alvin let out a shakey sigh and slowly began closing his eyes. He felt himself soon relax and eventually he fell into a deep slumber. Not realizing his sleepless night and real-life nighmares was just the begining of it all.