Title: Dazed and Confused
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.
Summary: Post episode for "Play with Fire" - Includes the beginnings of Sara's descent into alcoholism.
Author's Note: This is a very very old fic I wrote about 10 years ago, which I recently found and thought I'd put on here. I wish it was named after the Led Zeppelin song, but it's actually named after an ER episode. (So it say's in my 15-year-old notes)
He didn't want dinner with me. He didn't want me. Not that I was after anything. Just some company would be nice. It doesn't help that Nick's trying his best to ignore me after what happened earlier. I don't think Grissom was too impressed either.
"Ever had a gun held to your head?"
Wasn't the most important thing that we got the guy? Evidently, Grissom didn't think so.
"Is that all you have to say?"
And then, I just had to ask, at that point where Grissom already thinks I've gone a bit nuts. He probably thinks I've lost it because of the explosion. To be fair, he's probably right. Walking down the hallway, I can feel it, and see it. Even when I close my eyes I can feel the force all around me, and Greg on the floor. My head still throbs where it's been cut, even though I've taken a dozen or so painkillers, and I can't remember what the paramedics told me about the dressing on my hand. It doesn't hurt so much now though.
After I left Grissom I drove home. It wasn't that I was really insulted by what he said, but I didn't want to hang around making a point with him, it wasn't worth it. I had bought some wine, earlier in the day, and now seemed as good as a time as any to drink it. It wasn't just that I hoped that the alcohol would numb me so much that I wouldn't care, it was more that I needed, and craved its warm comfort. So, I find myself on my night off for ages and I'll spend it on my own drinking, great. It's not that I want their sympathy, the questioning eyes all thinking 'Sara's really lost it today' That's what I saw in Brass's eyes, as he pulled me away and finished what I started.
"Holster your gun"
Truth was, I was shocked by Nick. I know that he's only trying to protect me, but I came away feeling completely deflated. As I carry on drinking, the warm fuzzy feeling that alcohol first starts to give starts to take over, and I'm just about to get up when my doorbell goes. Great, I think, secretly hoping it's Grissom, even if he's only here to give me a lecture. As I go to open it, I realise it's the last person I want to see.
"Hank?" I say with disbelief, and a slight hint of anger manages to work it's way in there too.
"Hi Sara"
He stands there looking at me, somewhat guiltily, somewhat nervously.
"Hank, what are you doing here…I mean-" He interrupts me as he steps into the house.
"The guys told me what happened today"
Oh. That was why. His eyes search mine, looking for signs of…..it could be forgiveness but I can't read him that well.
"I just wanted to see if you were okay"
"I'm fine Hank, really"
His fingers touch the graze on my forehead, and I wince under his touch causing him to frown.
"Did the hospital check you out?" His gaze travels to my bandaged hand.
"No, there was no need…"
I trail off, not wanting to meet his eyes.
"Do you want a coffee or anything?"
"I'd like to have a look at your head"
"Hank, come on, I'm fine, really, your buddies should of told you that"
He laughs.
"Actually, they told me you were resisting a bit….but I can stay for a coffee….if I can, of course"
I look up at him wondering whether this would be the right time to call him a scumbag and chuck him out for what he did, but his eyes look at me so nervously I can't.
"Yeah sure, come on through"
He follows me through to the kitchen and I pick up my empty wine glass which he eyes with a frown.
"Should you really be drinking?" I shoot him a look of disdain. "It's been a long day"
He motions me to sit down.
"I know, sit…I'll make us some coffee's"
This may be one of the strangest days, everything today and now this? I really wanted to ask him why he was here, but I figured I could use the company. Even if the company is only Hank.
He sits down opposite me, and pushes a mug of coffee into my hands.
"So, what happened?"
"Why do you care?"
His eyes flicker with a slight ounce of hurt.
"Because….because….you could been killed! And you're my friend…."
Friend?
"…..and I care about my friends"
"You didn't seem to care when you were cheating on your wife….with me"
His eyes shift miserably to the table.
"Sara….I just came over to see if you were okay, not to get embroiled in an argument with you"
Fair enough. I sigh and idly play with the bandage on my hand.
"What happened to your hand?"
His voice cuts through the silence between us.
"A few stitches that's all"
"Did they check you for concussion?"
"Hank, I didn't pass out, I just hit my head slightly, please, stop asking questions. I'm fine, seriously"
I stand up decisively.
"Thank you for dropping by"
Again, his eyes look miserable, but I can't feel for him after what he did to me.
"I'm sorry Sara"
I shrug.
"Me too, but doing this won't make me forget what you did"
He meets my gaze for what seems like several minutes, and without a word, stands up, brushes past me, and walks out of the door. I sink down into a chair, physically and emotionally exhausted from the events of today. I knew I'd hurt Hank by not playing his friend game, but I couldn't even have him as a friend. Not after the betrayal. I rise from the chair, pouring away the coffee, and pluck out the bottle of wine from the fridge. I rinse the glass, and clasping the bottle by the neck, pour as much into the glass that it will allow. I knew Hank was right when he said I shouldn't be drinking, but the crisp taste numbing my senses is what I need right now.
I wondered about Grissom, and his reasons not for not wanting to see me….was he seeing someone else? Did he already have plans? It wasn't as if I wanted anything to happen right away….I just wonder what it would be like.
I am attracted to Gil Grissom. His mind, his ways…the way we connect. The way we connect *sometimes* I think I am obsessed with his approval. Sometimes I catch him looking at me, and just for a second I can see a small amount of pity in his eyes.
"Catherine has her kid, I like to ride rollercoaster's, what do you do?"
"Listen to my police scanner, read science textbooks…go to work"
Not much of a life, I suppose. Well, I tried to have a relationship, and look where that got me. If Grissom doubts me after today I wouldn't be surprised.
"By the time you figure it out, you really could be too late"
I will never figure Grissom out, and Grissom will never figure it out for himself. I get up to pour my self another glass of wine when the phone rings. If that's Hank, I swear I'll give him an argument that he doesn't want.
"Hello"
"Hey Sara"
"Nick?"
"Sara, don't sound so surprised"
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, listen. I'm sorry about what I said to you earlier today, it wasn't my place to start" He paused. "It's been…a pretty rough day for everyone, especially you"
I didn't know what to say.
"Sara….are you still there?"
"Yeah…thanks. Nick…"
I pause, knowing this wasn't going to be easy for me to say.
"Look. You were only doing your job Nick, I didn't take it personally. And I'm fine, really"
He knew I was lying.
"Okay" He sighed. "Are you though?"
Truth time.
"I'm a little…dazed….and confused. But it's nothing that sleep won't fix"
"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow Sara"
"Bye"
Dazed. And confused, that's probably right. No matter what Grissom say's tomorrow, nothing will make this okay for me. But I know he will never say anything. It all washes over him, like the victims he sees everyday. All their pain.
"I wish I was like you Grissom. I wish I didn't feel anything"
Or show anything.
I know that he has too. I should be more like that, but I don't want to rid myself of my humanity, my ability to care for people. I cared for Hank, and that was a mistake. As is caring for Grissom, as that will inevitably lead to pain, because he will never open up to me. As long as he remains in his place where he cannot feel.
Later that night I slip out and get another bottle of wine which I finish, so I, like Grissom cannot feel. My dreams that night are plagued by the lab explosion, but not how it happened today. In the dream Grissom is looking at me with nothing but disappointment. He goes to help Greg but leaves me on the floor in pain.
The next day I go to work, and lie to everybody about feeling okay. Grissom doesn't say anything to me, as I predicted. The day passes without conflict, and so I go home with my bottles of wine.
There I listen to my police scanner, read my science textbooks….and so the cycle carries on.
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