Spanish Announcer: Hello and welcome to TVFN's first ever Pay-Per-View event, Pay To See A Crappy Celebrity Death match Takeoff!
German Announcer: The main event is the pop-star girl power brawl between Britney Spears, Pink, Mya, Cristina, Jennifer Lopez, and Madonna!
Chinese Announcer: There will be four side matches, then a special six-man-free-for-all!
Italian Announcer: Then you eat the pasta!
Announcer Guy: Hey kids, remember me? I'm that guy that carries on and on and on and on and on and on...
Chinese Announcer: Without further ado...
Spanish Announcer:...Let's start the chaos!
Camera beeps. It goes off. Another comes on in the manager's office.
Manager (unaware that the camera is here): Our ratings suck! People like the XFL better than us! Unless this event boost them up, I'm selling to our first buyer, Victoria's Secret!
Worker: But Boss...
Lawyer: What will happen to me?
Manager: I might keep you...
Manager turns to Worker.
Manager: You're fired! Get out of here right now or I'll call security!
Worker: Damn! Now Jimmy won't get to go to college...
Manager sees camera.
Manager: Get that camera out of here!
There's a small fight. Camera is smashed. Power goes off.
The other camera comes back on.
Spanish Announcer: Sorry, Sorry! Our first match is a match that could change the world of Mike Myers because Austin Powers, Fat Bastard, and Dr.Evil will take on three clones of the Big Show from the WWF!
Chinese Announcer: I think the clones will win!
German Announcer: Why's that?
Chinese Announcer: Because Mike Myers played all three of the Austin Powers characters! It's basically Mike Myers against big fat guys that are going to kick his ass unless...
Mike Myers comes into room.
Mike: Unless What?
Chinese Announcer: Unless you go out as Fat Bastard!
Mike: OK! I will.
Italian Announcer: Want some pasta?
Mike: Pasta sucks!
Italian Announcer: Cool. (He doesn't understand)
Mike: Is that guy retarded or something?
German Announcer: Worse! He's Italian!
Italian Announcer: How come you don't like my pasta?
Mike: F**k you!
Italian Announcer: F**k?
Mike: You!
Italian Announcer: F**k F**k F**k. I am learning new English! F**k F**k...
Mike: Boy you're messed up! Are you on crack or something?
Italian announcer: Crack? What is Crack?
Mike reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bag of crack.
Mike: This is crack. Sniff it!
Italian Announcer sniffs. He sniffs again and again.
Italian Announcer: Crack smells good! I buy for two dollar?
Mike: Hell no!
Italian Announcer: Six dollar?
Mike: No! How about $250?
Italian Announcer: No, that's too much. $300?
Mike: OK!
Chinese Announcer: That was interesting! Bye, Mike and good luck!
So anyway,
All announcers: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Mike as Fat Bastard farts at a Big Show Clone.
Clone: NOOOOOOO!!!!
Mike: Take that, fat ass!
Different Clone: Look who's talking!
Mike farts at him. He is knocked out next to the first clone. Last clone hits Mike in the head with a folding card table.
Mike: Hehehehe! That kind of tickled.
Mike farts at him. He wins.
Spanish Announcer: Someone go get some of those car refresheners!
German Announcer: What a quick match! And I thought the clones would win!
Italian Announcer is high.
Italian Announcer: F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k! I love my new English! I feel dizzy. I smell the crack again.
Italian Announcer sniffs some more. He pukes and passes out.
Chinese Announcer: Thank god!
German Announcer: That asshole was really pissing me off!
Announcer Guy: How come I never get the good lines?
All other Announcers: CAUSE YOU DAMN CARRY ON!
Announcer Guy starts crying. Italian Announcer pukes all over him.
Italian Announce: Sorry Mommy!
German Announcer: God he's messed up!
Spanish Announcer: Our next Match is between Aaron Carter and Lil' Bow wow!
Aaron: Hey guys!
Spanish Announcer: Aaron, what a surprise!
Aaron: I was just wondering if you guys have anything in here that's highly flammable?
Spanish Announcer: I've got three gallons of gasoline.
German Announcer: I have six bottles of Molotov.
Chinese Announcer: I have a twenty-four pack of Diet Coke.
All look at Chinese Announcer.
Chinese Announcer: What?
Aaron: Can I borrow the gasoline and Molotov?
Spanish Announcer: Help yourself!
German Announcer: Go ahead!
Aaron leaves. Two minutes later, Lil' Bow Wow comes in.
Bow Wow: Hey ya'll, got anything highly flammable?
German Announcer: We just gave it all to Aaron.
Spanish Announcer: Sorry!
Chinese Announcer: I love Diet Coke!
Bow Wow: Diet Coke is for old, fat people, gay pussie!
Chinese Announcer: You hurt my feelings!
Chinese Announcer jumps out the window and falls 60 feet. He dies again.
Italian Announcer pukes all over Lil' Bow Wow.
Bow Wow: Bastard! Look what you did to my clothes! F**k you!
Italian Announcer: Bastard Crack F**k! Bastard Crack F**k! Bastard Crack F**k! Bastard Crack F**k! Bastard Crack F**k! Bastard Crack F**k!!!
Bow Wow: That guy is F**ked up!
German Announcer: We know.
Bow Wow starts to leave.
Bow Wow: Bye, backstabbing traitors!
German announcer: Yeah, F**k you too!
German Announcer flips off Lil' Bow Wow.
Bow Wow: Asshole!
German Announcer: I hope Aaron kicks your black ass!
Spanish Announcer: Let's watch the match!
All Announcers: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!
Aaron: You can't beat me, asswipe cause I beat Shaq at basketball!
Bow Wow: I thought you didn't swear!
Aaron: For an Asshole like you, I can make an exception.
Aaron lights a bottle of Molotov and throws it at Lil' Bow Wow. It barely misses, striking one and a half feet away.
Bow Wow: You missed, bastard!
Aaron throws another one. It blows apart and rips Lil' Bow Wow's left arm in half at the elbow.
Aaron: I didn't miss that time!
Bow Wow: I am so going to kick your ass, f**king bastard!
Aaron throws a third and it hits his left leg, blowing it off entirely.
Aaron: Take that, Damn Bastard from the depths of Hell!
Aaron runs out of fluid in his lighter.
Aaron: Sh*t!
Bow Wow advances on Aaron. Aaron is scared half to death. All of a sudden, German Announcer comes in with a machine gun. He blast through Lil' Bow Wow's head and blood flies everywhere. Bow Wow dies with his middle finger up.
Aaron: F**k you Lil' Bow wow! HAHAHA!! Thank you German Announcer, Here's two bottles of Molotov I didn't use!
German Announcer: Anything for an enemy of Lil' Bow Wow!
German Announcer turns to the crowd.
German Announcer: Hey you! Come take a picture of us on my camera.
A man from the crowd comes and takes a picture of Aaron And the German Announcer standing next to the dead Lil' Bow Wow.
Spanish Announcer: What an exciting match!
German Announcer: We have a guest Announcer here for the rest of the evening!
Aaron: Hi again!
Spanish Announcer: Congratulations on your victory you two!
German and Aaron: It was simple. He was a big pushover!
Spanish Announcer: Our next match is a inter gender team match. The red team consists of Drew Barrymore and Tom Green. The blue team is Rosie O'Donnell and Tom Cruise!!
An interviewer named Shawn goes down to Tom and Drew's locker room.
Shawn: Are you guys ready for your match?
Drew: Hell yea!
Tom: Hey boys rub your balls, feel your balls and squeeze your balls! Hey boys tease your balls…
Drew: Tom! Pay attention!
Tom: What? Oh, ok.
Shawn: What will be the hardest part?
Tom: Hurting Rosie. She's so damn fat we won't be able to penetrate her fat stomach!
Drew: Yeah. I agree with Tom.
Shawn: What will be the easiest part?
Drew: Tom Cruise. I'll just kick him in the balls real hard!
Shawn: Good luck!
Drew and Tom: We don't need luck, we're young stars!
Chinese Announcer: Well, let's talk to the official about the rules of the match.
Official: The four people will be separated and put in four different locker rooms. The locker rooms are in a square shape and are 150 yards apart. Team members will be diagonal from each other. To win, you must kill the other team.
Announcers: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!
Camera is in Tom Green's locker room.
Tom picks up fire extinguisher.
Tom: This could come in handy.
Camera is in Drew's.
Drew is examining a wooden stop sign.
Drew: All right, now we're talking!
Camera is with Rosie.
Rosie has a lamp in her hand.
Rosie: Lights out!
Camera goes to Tom Cruise's locker room.
Tom picks up a tennis racket.
Cruise: Time to practice my forehand!
Camera goes back to Green.
Green opens door and looks out. There are two hallways. Each leads to an enemy. He picks the left one.
Green: Please be Rosie, Please be Rosie…
Camera goes to Drew again. She is in the hallway outside her door. She goes toward the same room as Green.
Camera goes to Rosie. She is head toward Drew's locker room. On the way there she runs into Drew. Drew smacks her with the wooden stop sign and it breaks into a ton of pieces. Rosie falls back.
Drew: The sign said stop, but no, we had to do it the hard way! I'm one of Charlie's Angels you know!
Green enters.
Green: Looks like you took care of Rosie!
Drew: Yup! Now let's go find Tom Cruise.
Camera goes to Cruise. He's in Green's locker room. He leaves the door wide open and yells stuff. He wants to trap Drew and Green. He's hiding in the shower stall in the bathroom. Green shuts door.
Green: He's in there.
Drew: I know. I have a plan.
Green and Drew go and get Rosie's oil lamp. The set it inside the locker room and tie a long thread they pulled out of Rosie's dress. They found a lighter in Rosie's locker room. They light the thread and the oil lamp explodes. Tom puts out the fire with his weapon, the fire extinguisher. They find half of Cruise and then the other half, which is burned to a crisp. Green and Drew win.
Official: AND YOUR WINNERS, DREW BARRYMORE AND TOM GREEN!!!
Drew: We did it Tom!
Green: Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Official: You two are now the inter gender team champs! To back that up, you get Title Umbrellas!!!
Spanish Announcer: What an exciting match! Our next and final normal match is between Judge Mills Lane And Judge Joe Brown.
Announcers: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!
The two pound each other with their hammer things. Judge Joe Brown calls out his security and they shoot Mills Lane with handguns and beat him to submission. Mills is killed. Brown wins.
Official: And your winner, Joe Brown.
The crowd is pretty quiet.
Brown: What in hell is wrong with you people? Is this going to lower my ratings? Is my show going to go off the air? Dammit, why me?
Spanish Announcer: Hey German boy, wake up!
German Announcer: Wha.? Oh, I guess I dozed off there…
Chinese Announcer: Well ladies and gentleman, it's the moment we've all been waiting for, it's the girl power brawl!
Announcers: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!
Britney and Cristina stare at each other.
Cristina: I want to kill you so badly!!
Britney: Yeah, because everyone likes me better!
Cristina: That's not true!
Sorry everyone, but to find out who wins, tune in next time! We have surpassed our broadcasting time, so this is TVFN, signing off.
German Announcer: The main event is the pop-star girl power brawl between Britney Spears, Pink, Mya, Cristina, Jennifer Lopez, and Madonna!
Chinese Announcer: There will be four side matches, then a special six-man-free-for-all!
Italian Announcer: Then you eat the pasta!
Announcer Guy: Hey kids, remember me? I'm that guy that carries on and on and on and on and on and on...
Chinese Announcer: Without further ado...
Spanish Announcer:...Let's start the chaos!
Camera beeps. It goes off. Another comes on in the manager's office.
Manager (unaware that the camera is here): Our ratings suck! People like the XFL better than us! Unless this event boost them up, I'm selling to our first buyer, Victoria's Secret!
Worker: But Boss...
Lawyer: What will happen to me?
Manager: I might keep you...
Manager turns to Worker.
Manager: You're fired! Get out of here right now or I'll call security!
Worker: Damn! Now Jimmy won't get to go to college...
Manager sees camera.
Manager: Get that camera out of here!
There's a small fight. Camera is smashed. Power goes off.
The other camera comes back on.
Spanish Announcer: Sorry, Sorry! Our first match is a match that could change the world of Mike Myers because Austin Powers, Fat Bastard, and Dr.Evil will take on three clones of the Big Show from the WWF!
Chinese Announcer: I think the clones will win!
German Announcer: Why's that?
Chinese Announcer: Because Mike Myers played all three of the Austin Powers characters! It's basically Mike Myers against big fat guys that are going to kick his ass unless...
Mike Myers comes into room.
Mike: Unless What?
Chinese Announcer: Unless you go out as Fat Bastard!
Mike: OK! I will.
Italian Announcer: Want some pasta?
Mike: Pasta sucks!
Italian Announcer: Cool. (He doesn't understand)
Mike: Is that guy retarded or something?
German Announcer: Worse! He's Italian!
Italian Announcer: How come you don't like my pasta?
Mike: F**k you!
Italian Announcer: F**k?
Mike: You!
Italian Announcer: F**k F**k F**k. I am learning new English! F**k F**k...
Mike: Boy you're messed up! Are you on crack or something?
Italian announcer: Crack? What is Crack?
Mike reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bag of crack.
Mike: This is crack. Sniff it!
Italian Announcer sniffs. He sniffs again and again.
Italian Announcer: Crack smells good! I buy for two dollar?
Mike: Hell no!
Italian Announcer: Six dollar?
Mike: No! How about $250?
Italian Announcer: No, that's too much. $300?
Mike: OK!
Chinese Announcer: That was interesting! Bye, Mike and good luck!
So anyway,
All announcers: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!
Mike as Fat Bastard farts at a Big Show Clone.
Clone: NOOOOOOO!!!!
Mike: Take that, fat ass!
Different Clone: Look who's talking!
Mike farts at him. He is knocked out next to the first clone. Last clone hits Mike in the head with a folding card table.
Mike: Hehehehe! That kind of tickled.
Mike farts at him. He wins.
Spanish Announcer: Someone go get some of those car refresheners!
German Announcer: What a quick match! And I thought the clones would win!
Italian Announcer is high.
Italian Announcer: F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k F**k! I love my new English! I feel dizzy. I smell the crack again.
Italian Announcer sniffs some more. He pukes and passes out.
Chinese Announcer: Thank god!
German Announcer: That asshole was really pissing me off!
Announcer Guy: How come I never get the good lines?
All other Announcers: CAUSE YOU DAMN CARRY ON!
Announcer Guy starts crying. Italian Announcer pukes all over him.
Italian Announce: Sorry Mommy!
German Announcer: God he's messed up!
Spanish Announcer: Our next Match is between Aaron Carter and Lil' Bow wow!
Aaron: Hey guys!
Spanish Announcer: Aaron, what a surprise!
Aaron: I was just wondering if you guys have anything in here that's highly flammable?
Spanish Announcer: I've got three gallons of gasoline.
German Announcer: I have six bottles of Molotov.
Chinese Announcer: I have a twenty-four pack of Diet Coke.
All look at Chinese Announcer.
Chinese Announcer: What?
Aaron: Can I borrow the gasoline and Molotov?
Spanish Announcer: Help yourself!
German Announcer: Go ahead!
Aaron leaves. Two minutes later, Lil' Bow Wow comes in.
Bow Wow: Hey ya'll, got anything highly flammable?
German Announcer: We just gave it all to Aaron.
Spanish Announcer: Sorry!
Chinese Announcer: I love Diet Coke!
Bow Wow: Diet Coke is for old, fat people, gay pussie!
Chinese Announcer: You hurt my feelings!
Chinese Announcer jumps out the window and falls 60 feet. He dies again.
Italian Announcer pukes all over Lil' Bow Wow.
Bow Wow: Bastard! Look what you did to my clothes! F**k you!
Italian Announcer: Bastard Crack F**k! Bastard Crack F**k! Bastard Crack F**k! Bastard Crack F**k! Bastard Crack F**k! Bastard Crack F**k!!!
Bow Wow: That guy is F**ked up!
German Announcer: We know.
Bow Wow starts to leave.
Bow Wow: Bye, backstabbing traitors!
German announcer: Yeah, F**k you too!
German Announcer flips off Lil' Bow Wow.
Bow Wow: Asshole!
German Announcer: I hope Aaron kicks your black ass!
Spanish Announcer: Let's watch the match!
All Announcers: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!
Aaron: You can't beat me, asswipe cause I beat Shaq at basketball!
Bow Wow: I thought you didn't swear!
Aaron: For an Asshole like you, I can make an exception.
Aaron lights a bottle of Molotov and throws it at Lil' Bow Wow. It barely misses, striking one and a half feet away.
Bow Wow: You missed, bastard!
Aaron throws another one. It blows apart and rips Lil' Bow Wow's left arm in half at the elbow.
Aaron: I didn't miss that time!
Bow Wow: I am so going to kick your ass, f**king bastard!
Aaron throws a third and it hits his left leg, blowing it off entirely.
Aaron: Take that, Damn Bastard from the depths of Hell!
Aaron runs out of fluid in his lighter.
Aaron: Sh*t!
Bow Wow advances on Aaron. Aaron is scared half to death. All of a sudden, German Announcer comes in with a machine gun. He blast through Lil' Bow Wow's head and blood flies everywhere. Bow Wow dies with his middle finger up.
Aaron: F**k you Lil' Bow wow! HAHAHA!! Thank you German Announcer, Here's two bottles of Molotov I didn't use!
German Announcer: Anything for an enemy of Lil' Bow Wow!
German Announcer turns to the crowd.
German Announcer: Hey you! Come take a picture of us on my camera.
A man from the crowd comes and takes a picture of Aaron And the German Announcer standing next to the dead Lil' Bow Wow.
Spanish Announcer: What an exciting match!
German Announcer: We have a guest Announcer here for the rest of the evening!
Aaron: Hi again!
Spanish Announcer: Congratulations on your victory you two!
German and Aaron: It was simple. He was a big pushover!
Spanish Announcer: Our next match is a inter gender team match. The red team consists of Drew Barrymore and Tom Green. The blue team is Rosie O'Donnell and Tom Cruise!!
An interviewer named Shawn goes down to Tom and Drew's locker room.
Shawn: Are you guys ready for your match?
Drew: Hell yea!
Tom: Hey boys rub your balls, feel your balls and squeeze your balls! Hey boys tease your balls…
Drew: Tom! Pay attention!
Tom: What? Oh, ok.
Shawn: What will be the hardest part?
Tom: Hurting Rosie. She's so damn fat we won't be able to penetrate her fat stomach!
Drew: Yeah. I agree with Tom.
Shawn: What will be the easiest part?
Drew: Tom Cruise. I'll just kick him in the balls real hard!
Shawn: Good luck!
Drew and Tom: We don't need luck, we're young stars!
Chinese Announcer: Well, let's talk to the official about the rules of the match.
Official: The four people will be separated and put in four different locker rooms. The locker rooms are in a square shape and are 150 yards apart. Team members will be diagonal from each other. To win, you must kill the other team.
Announcers: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!
Camera is in Tom Green's locker room.
Tom picks up fire extinguisher.
Tom: This could come in handy.
Camera is in Drew's.
Drew is examining a wooden stop sign.
Drew: All right, now we're talking!
Camera is with Rosie.
Rosie has a lamp in her hand.
Rosie: Lights out!
Camera goes to Tom Cruise's locker room.
Tom picks up a tennis racket.
Cruise: Time to practice my forehand!
Camera goes back to Green.
Green opens door and looks out. There are two hallways. Each leads to an enemy. He picks the left one.
Green: Please be Rosie, Please be Rosie…
Camera goes to Drew again. She is in the hallway outside her door. She goes toward the same room as Green.
Camera goes to Rosie. She is head toward Drew's locker room. On the way there she runs into Drew. Drew smacks her with the wooden stop sign and it breaks into a ton of pieces. Rosie falls back.
Drew: The sign said stop, but no, we had to do it the hard way! I'm one of Charlie's Angels you know!
Green enters.
Green: Looks like you took care of Rosie!
Drew: Yup! Now let's go find Tom Cruise.
Camera goes to Cruise. He's in Green's locker room. He leaves the door wide open and yells stuff. He wants to trap Drew and Green. He's hiding in the shower stall in the bathroom. Green shuts door.
Green: He's in there.
Drew: I know. I have a plan.
Green and Drew go and get Rosie's oil lamp. The set it inside the locker room and tie a long thread they pulled out of Rosie's dress. They found a lighter in Rosie's locker room. They light the thread and the oil lamp explodes. Tom puts out the fire with his weapon, the fire extinguisher. They find half of Cruise and then the other half, which is burned to a crisp. Green and Drew win.
Official: AND YOUR WINNERS, DREW BARRYMORE AND TOM GREEN!!!
Drew: We did it Tom!
Green: Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Official: You two are now the inter gender team champs! To back that up, you get Title Umbrellas!!!
Spanish Announcer: What an exciting match! Our next and final normal match is between Judge Mills Lane And Judge Joe Brown.
Announcers: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!
The two pound each other with their hammer things. Judge Joe Brown calls out his security and they shoot Mills Lane with handguns and beat him to submission. Mills is killed. Brown wins.
Official: And your winner, Joe Brown.
The crowd is pretty quiet.
Brown: What in hell is wrong with you people? Is this going to lower my ratings? Is my show going to go off the air? Dammit, why me?
Spanish Announcer: Hey German boy, wake up!
German Announcer: Wha.? Oh, I guess I dozed off there…
Chinese Announcer: Well ladies and gentleman, it's the moment we've all been waiting for, it's the girl power brawl!
Announcers: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!
Britney and Cristina stare at each other.
Cristina: I want to kill you so badly!!
Britney: Yeah, because everyone likes me better!
Cristina: That's not true!
Sorry everyone, but to find out who wins, tune in next time! We have surpassed our broadcasting time, so this is TVFN, signing off.