Aftermath of Sacrifice

by ShoshanaFlower

Spoilers - Strong spoilers for Hellboy II

Teaser: "Abe reflects on what he really sacrificed in surrendering the crown piece to Nuada."

Summary: The theme of sacrifice is seen from several different angles in Hellboy I & II. But sacrifice always involves a loss, and pain. The film ended without letting the audience witness Abe's grief. This fic is one possibility of how Abe would come to terms with Princess Nuala's death.

A Note on Location: Though Hellboy, Liz, Abe, and Krause all resigned at the end of the movie, it made sense to me that they'd have to return to retrieve their things. This takes place while they're all still at BPRD HQ sorting out such matters.

The library was unusually silent. No sound came from the stereo speakers, conversation, or even turning pages. The silence itself emanated a heavy presence that warned against disturbing it. Though, with the Bureau currently occupied by the loss of its four top agents, no one seemed very interested in the library, or Abe for that matter. Not even Manning had come to him, flustered, looking for some assurance that "quitting" was just a mood swing that would surely pass. Instead, it seemed that Abe had been quite forgotten.

While the lamps and ceiling lights remained dark, a few, straining embers ebbed away in the fireplace that not long ago had served as a vessel for Princess Nuala's last, desperate attempt to keep the golden army from her brother's control. In the tank, the unlit water stood still, but was hardly vacant. From the far, shaded corner, Abe felt his grief could fill the room several times over without leaving him. Even if a "Popular Songs of Misery" album had existed, he knew it wouldn't have comforted him. And as Red and Liz seemed to be 'giving him space,' his only relentless visitor was hindsight.

Inane, asinine, headstrong, unthinking idiot.

He'd known her - he knew she would have died, just as her father, to keep the merciless army from waking.

And what had he done?

Given remaining piece to Prince Nuada at the first possible moment. As though he'd never cared about her sacrifice at all.

He knew, and yet he didn't pay attention. Didn't notice the strength of her determination. Effectively killed her himself in his inexcusable ignorance.

Abe dragged his palm across his forehead. What else could she have done? What choice had he left her? And why, in God's name, had he betrayed her? Not just his friends, not just the entire human race, but her. She'd trusted him to keep it safe; wasn't that why she'd left it where she knew he'd find it?

Of course, his actions were torturously clear to him now, but at the time ... what had he been thinking? That he would save her with his sheer devotion and good intentions? That he would exchange the world for her, and that either of them could have lived that way afterward? Red wouldn't have done the same for Liz. He would never negate her life's meaning and destroy all she loved and hoped for.

And yet, for one mistake to have such consequences ... Somehow, he never considered that the classic tragedies could manifest themselves in real life. Yet here he was, the sole actor left standing at the end of the play. Not the hero. Not Romeo, who forfeited his family to be with his Juliet. No, he thought, briefly glancing over his shoulder toward the glass wall of the library, he was Othello, who "loved not wisely, but all too well."

He turned back toward the ceiling. How does one forgive oneself for killing the most beautiful thing in the world? He closed his eyes, felt back into his memories, and tasted the fragment of her life she'd shared with him when they'd first touched. Her fluttering fear of being caught and forced to turn over her piece of the crown; her quiet, inner resolve to protect the humans she'd never known; her delicate, timid thoughts, like darling buds too cautious to extend into flowers.

And then, the last time, before her body faded into lifeless ivory ... Her sweet, simple happiness at seeing his ill-guided love for her. How little she needed to be happy. How little it would have taken him to make her so. How different everything would have been if he hadn't been such a terrible fool.

He opened his eyes to fend off the images. So many other options availed themselves to him now. He could have destroyed the missing piece. Red surely could have handled the prince, subdued and restrained him without seriously harming him or Nuala. They could have planned for Red to challenge Nuada, gain control of the army, and command it to destroy itself. He could have -

So many other possibilities. So many things he could have done besides the one thing Nuala had risked everything dear to prevent. But 'what-ifs' were not the worst. No. The worst was recalling her face, perfectly preserved in his mind despite his then-inebriated vision, as she steadfastly, pitifully denied her brother the hidden crown piece, even as he threatened to kill them all. The picture of her sacrifice, Abe felt, would never cease to haunt his mind.

"Nuala," he whispered, inaudibly, into the water, "I'm sorry."