This story came into my head a while back and I finally got it polished up enough to put out here. It take place after the break up of Solas and Lavellen, right before the final battle. As normal, I do not own Dragon Age or any of it's content. That all belongs to Bioware.
The speed of which her hart, Braynor, flew made Arwen's red hair whip back. Her leggings here soaked from galloping on the shore of the lake. Her face felt stiff from the tears her ride had dried on her face. She stopped Braynor in the surf in front of the main camp in the Frostback Basin, yet she made no move to go inside.
She would more than likely be in trouble for leaving Cole, Solas and Bull behind, but after what just passed, she couldn't breath. Almost a month since that night in the grove. She had gone with Solas thinking that Solas had planned a rare romantic night for the two of them. What a fool she had been. Instead, he removed her vallaslin and turned away from her. At times, it felt like she was beginning to heal. As if maybe there was light at the end of this dark tunnel she had found herself in. When she would glance at him, see the hurt in his eyes that only she knew how to find and the hole in her heart was ripped open again. Her other companions had tried to help her. Dorian, Cullen, Varric and Bull had all stopped talking to Solas. Though it wasn't much, those four had become her pillars of strength. She could feel the walls that they were building around her and she leaned on them more than any other.
They had gone into the swamp to find that assistant of Kendrick's. She knew better than to bring Solas, but Vivianne wouldn't step foot at the basin and Dorian was getting some rest after a nasty battle with a gurgut. She needed a mage with them and he was the only choice left. So they traveled into the swamp further inland when Cole began to speak.
"'Ar lasa mala revas. You are so beautiful.' But then you turned away. Why?" Cole said, peering over at Solas. The innocence in his question. She had wanted to ask Solas so many times why. Yet she knew what awaited her. The pain in her chest, it felt like a knife was sinking in. She heard Bull's sharp intake of breath behind her, felt his eye trained on her. Ready at a moment's notice to catch her. She stood very still, like a halla, caught in the gaze of a wolf.
"I had no choice," Solas replied.
"She is bare faced, embarrassed and she doesn't know. She thinks it is because of her." Cole said, almost pleading. The knife in her chest sunk a little deeper.
"You cannot heal this, Cole. Please, let it go," Solas said dismissively.
Arwen saw this as a chance, yet she still felt that knife slide all the way to the hilt. She looked over her shoulder at him, anger in her voice. "Perhaps Cole can get a better answer from you than I did," she whispered. Her arms wrapped around herself, trying to hold herself together as she began to shake. She couldn't look at Bull, but felt the death glare that he was giving Solas.
"He hurts, an old pain from before, when everything sang the same. You're real and it means everyone could be real. It changes everything, but it can't. They sleep, masked in a mirror, hiding, hurting and to wake them…" Cole gasped, looking around, "where did it go?" surprise in his voice.
With each word he spoke, that knife twisted. Turning, twisting, tearing what little bit of her heart that she had left. At his gasp it was ripped out and she felt the blood pouring from an organ that was no longer here. Her fingers dug into her arms, but she could make it. She could still forge ahead, until Solas' next words gave her a killing blow.
"I apologize, Cole. That is not a pain you can heal," he said with regret.
A cry tore from Arwen's mouth as her fingernails pierced her flesh. She whistled sharping, her hart that was always close by came running. He didn't even fully stop before she climbed onto his back and spurned him into a run out of the swamp. Maybe she could out ride the pain, out ride the heartbreak, and out ride the death that she felt in her chest. Not caring what she left behind.
"Nice going asshole," Bull spat. "You can't give her a straight answer. Her one chance to her at least something so she can heal and you shot it down. Her chance to try and pick up her life and you stomped it into the ground."
"What do you know, Iron Bull? All of this is over your head. In fact, it is none of your business, " Solas said defensively.
"It is my business," Bull began, striding over to Solas and poking him in the chest. "It became my business when she started coming to me almost every night to get drunk so she can forget her pain. It became my business, when she cries on Krem's shoulder and tries to get that wound on her heart lanced, but can't because she still loves you. I know how much you mean to her. It is my business WHEN SHE RUNS OFF WHILE ASS DEEP IN HOSTILE TERRITORY!" bellowed Bull, sending what few birds that were left in the swamp flying. He was breathing hard, nostril's flaring as if he was about to charge.
"My fault, I couldn't help. 'Knife twisting, tearing, turning. Who knew a broken heart could still bleed when all the blood is gone. Get away, need open ground. Surrounded, Suffocating, Suffering. Why does it still hurt when the heart is dead?'" Cole whispered.
"No Cole, The fault it mine. I knew all along and yet I-"
"Was a selfish bastard then! If you knew that you couldn't be together in the long run after finding out how she felt, you should have ended it! What sick asshole does that to a woman that he claims to care about?" Bull started walking away. "Come on Cole. He can handle himself."
"He hurts because he doesn't know how to sooth, salve, save. I will help him." Cole disappeared, leaving Solas with his thoughts and the bogfishers. Which didn't seem to care about the lone elf, ankle deep in water, with silent tears starting to roll down his face.
Dorian had seen her ride up alone. He also saw the way she held herself as she leaned on Braynor. The slight shake of her shoulders, her head bowed, her fingers digging into her arms. He wasn't worried about the others. She would have come running into the camp if something had happened to them. So the question is, what happened to her? Footsteps from behind him caught his attention.
"I think the festering wound has been lanced," Varric said as he came up to stand by Dorian. He crossed his arms and looked at Arwen.
"I hope so, she can't go on like she has been much longer. I'll wait till Bull gets back to find out what happened."
"I'll send a message to Curly. Good thing he was able to come with us. He needed out of Skyhold. I think he went to the Avvar camp. That hold beast really likes him," Varric said, causing Dorian to chuckle.
"Do that. I doubt the others will be long. She has been standing out there for an hour already.
Varric left to do his self appointed task. Dorian never took his eyes off of his dear friend. He just couldn't no understand why Solas had done this. He would watch them from the second floor of the libary. She would smile at him and laugh while they discussed, whatever it was when the talked. Her smile would light up her whole face and cause the normally quite reserved elf to smile as well. They were good for each other. She brought out his playful side and he in return would challenge her to see the world from different view points than the ones she had grow up with.
Then almost a month ago Solas returned from taking her somewhere alone. Dorian remembered how excited she sounded when he proposed the trip. When questioned where the Inquisitor was, Solas gave vague replies and assurances. A day later, she showed up without her tattoos on her face, walked to her room and closed the door. She didn't leave her room. The servants left her meals outside the locked door for a week, and even then the only thing missing from the tray was water. Cullen had finally had enough and rammed open her door, went inside, and closed the door. Nobody knew what pasted between them, but at least she didn't stay locked in her room anymore.
Now, when they were at Skyhold, she had a routine. After her morning and afternoon council meetings, she would cloister herself with Cullen in his office. Then go the long way to get to his room so she didn't have to see Solas. They would sit there read or talk or work with her chess game, whatever she wanted to do. Then she would take the long way to Varric and have dinner with him and meet with whatever noble or diplomat that she missed in the morning. Afterwards, she would head to the tavern to be with Bull and the Chargers till Cullen would carry her drunken little self back to her room when everybody else was gone to bed. Some days it varied, but no matter what, she would not look or be around Solas. Hopefully that heartbreak wound was lanced and she would return to her old self. "Please let it be lanced," he prayed.
"I don't know about that Dorian, "Bull rumbled as he, Varric and Cullen joined him.
"What happened?" Cullen inquired as he glanced at the others then look toward the lake.
"Well we were going through that damn swamp, when Cole does his… thing. From what I got, he was looking into both of their heads at the same time. Solas tried to get him to stop. Arwen got a little peeved and told Cole to go ahead. I can understand why she did. She needs those answers, but I knew it was gonna hurt like a wicked bitch. Well, Cole started to and then Solas did was weird magic crap that made him lose the connection I guess. That was worse, a lot worse. She couldn't get out of there fast enough. I figured she would come back here. So I left that bastard in the swamp. I was about to hit him… hard." Bull growled then sighed.
"Well, shit…" Varric said, shaking his head and pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Well we can't let her stay out here. The sun is setting and she is going to her sick," Dorian stated. "Did you find out anything that can help us?"
"Not much from Cole, save a few things. She thinks it is her fault he left, but we already knew that. She mentioned it once to Krem when she was deep in her cups. Tried not to let her get that way again. Solas was also the one that removed her tattoos. She never would tell me where they went. I brought it up once and she whimpered. So I let that drop. Although his removing them has caused a lot of confusion with her," Bull growled again.
"But there is something else," Cullen remarked. He heard the strain in that growl.
"Solas is a selfish bastard. After she left, I confronted him about it and he let slip that he knew they couldn't be together." Bull ground out and the turn and punched the boulder behind him.
"She pursued him hard. I watched that lovely little play," Dorian said. "Still that was no excuse to toy with her like he did. So, who wants to go and bring our little elf in before the cold gets to her?"
"I'll go. I've had enough experience with broke hearts to deal with this," said Varric. He started to head over to her.
"Hawke?" Cullen inquired.
"Yeah, but at least I'm not some weird go between with these two," Varric replied over his shoulder while the others headed back to camp to get their supper together.
"You are going to get sick out here Twinkle Toes."
"I'll be fine Varric," Arwen whispered never taking her eyes off the lapping waves. "I know I have worried you all and I'm sorry. I just needed some time to think."
"You know I can be you sound board."
"I know, thanks Varric," She sighed and uncrossed her arms. "I guess I'll go in with you so the others don't worry."
"Good, I think they are getting our supper ready. Maybe after we eat I can talk Curly into another hand of Wicked Grace since Ruffles ain't here."
A ghost of a smile danced across her face, "maybe he will get to keep his small clothes on."
"Varric took heart at her small smile. "Maybe Twinkle Toes, maybe…"
Solas watched them as they turned to go inside. He was far enough away that they couldn't see him in the tree line. He was glad that she wasn't alone. He had made an awful mess of things. Yet it seems he had been making mistake after mistake since he sealed away that Elvhen Parthenon.
"Her hurt is so loud," said a voice next to him.
"I know and there is nothing-" Solas said bowing his head.
"But you can!" Cole pleased, almost sounding angry. "You helped me, and you can help her!"
"I can not do that Cole. We cannot be together, because of what I am."
"But she wouldn't care." Cole turned toward the camp. "'Opening hole, frothing, failing, festering. Will the pain never end? Am I not good enough? Did I do something wrong? Did he ever even love me?' Spiraling, Sinking Smothering. 'Creators. Just let it end.'"
"Cole, please…" Solas begged. He hung is head in shame, regret and pain. He had to stay strong. Oh how he wanted to take her into his arms again and kiss away all the pain and hurt that he had caused. He wanted to go down on his knees and beg her forgiveness, to open up and explain why. To tell her what he really and truly was. She was so inquisitive and open to new ideas. Yet she would follow him, her commitment to him was that strong. He could not have that. He had to see this through. If he told her his plans she would join him yes, but she would also try and change his mind. It hurt him so deeply to walk away, yet he had no idea that it was hurting her in the exact same way. It all just seemed so…
"Not impossible. She would understand," Cole whispered and left.
The sun had set, dinner was over and the games of Wicked Grace was done. Cullen at least got to keep most of his clothes his time. For the moment, he and Arwen were sitting a boulder that overlooked the lake. They had all tried to keep Arwen from getting into her cups. According to Bull, they did better than most nights, but she was still buzzed.
"Does the pain go away?" Arwen asked, breaking the silence, staring out over the water.
"I would say yes, but I doubt I have ever had what you have what you feel for him." Cullen lied. He felt for her the same way.
"Not even the Hero of Fereldan? She asked.
"I cared for Surana, but what the two of us were kept us from getting closer. Plus I was a different person then. I kept most mages at length, but she was very good at slipping past peoples barriers." Cullen smiled a little. "She was a good person. It hurt when they sent her away. Of course, she willing joined the Gray Wardens, not that she had much of a choice. It didn't hurt as bad as I thought when I heard she was with the other warden Alistar. It is pretty much an open secret that she is his mistress. I hope that she come back to him soon."
Arwen sighed and placed her head onto his shoulder. "I never have cared for somebody as I do Solas. I guess that is why this hurts so bad. Maybe someday I'll be able to move on… though I do not see that end for myself." She sat quietly next to him for a few moments. "I feel like a hole is in my chest. Did you know he deliberately stopped Cole from voicing his thoughts? Not that I was understanding it completely." A tear rolled down her cheek. "He stopped Cole anyway. Half of the time, I'm trying to wrap my mind around what comes out of Cole's mouth, but to hear the reason, out load, even if I didn't understand is better than nothing."
Cullen put his arm around her and she flung herself into his chest. He was taken aback for a moment till he enveloped her in his arms, stroking her hair. As he rested his head on top of her head, he let her cry. Maker how he wanted to kill Solas. He threw away this perfect gift. It hadn't broken her, but this wound was deep. He had wanted her in his arms for so long, but not like this. Never like this, when she was crying for the love of somebody that was selfish and cruel.
"Maybe because I'm, not longer pretty. He said that the vallaslin was a mark of slavery, but…"
"No Arwen," he pulled her off of him enough that he could gently cup her face so she would look at him. "You are beautiful, whether or not something covers your face. Whatever his reason, he was an idiot to throw away someone like you."
Then Cullen did something he would never have normally done. He pressed his lips to her forehead. How long he held his lips to her skin. How long he savored that contact, he couldn't say. Yet he removed them and looked down at her face. Her lids fluttered open and he looked into the icy blue depths and saw so much sorrow. His thumb wiped away the tears that still escaped from her eye.
"You are beautiful. You are strong, graceful and compassionate. You work so hard to make the Inquisition work, yet you remain true to yourself. You connect with as many people as you can under your command and take their interest and problems to heart. You are a gem, rare and precious."
She gave him a small smile, one that eased a little of the sorrow in her eyes and kissed his cheek. Then she stood and began to walk away. She gently placed her fingers on his shoulder, the touch feather light, "Why could I not have fallen for a man such as you?" she whispered so quietly that he almost thought he imagined it. Maybe he did. Cullen watched as she walked back to the camp, cursing Solas for the pain he caused her but most of all cursing himself. If only he had spoken up sooner…