Unsent

by kerianne

When it's too late to change the past, sometimes all you can do is let go. (shounen-ai themes)

Author: Kerianne
Email: mpike@froggernet.com
Title: Unsent
Spoilers: None
Warnings: Technically, none, but I'll just say if you're not a fan of angst, definitely stay away from this one. Also, it's probably really OOC.

I wish that I could find a way
To smash my fist right through these walls
Of ugliness and emptiness, and gently touch your face

-"So Far Away", Stabbing Westward

Dear Brad.

He paused, pen hovering over the paper, just reading those two words over and over again. Dear Brad. Written almost automatically, because that was how letters always started, how they were supposed to start. Only now had he come to realize just how true those two words were.

Sighing softly, he continued writing.

*~*~*~*~*

I know it's a little late to be writing this letter. No-- not a little late, far too late. Because no matter what I say, no matter how perfect my turn of phrase is, no matter how many beautiful, florid words I use to tell my tale, it's not going to change the past. It won't change what happened.

The truth is, I always thought I'd have a chance to tell you. Even though I was never really sure if I wanted to. I was so afraid of your reaction, but I wanted you to know. I wanted you to know so desperately, just to remind myself it was real.

Because, in the end, what good is love when it only resides in the heart and mind of one person?

You can't even imagine how many times I wanted to turn to you during those endless, boring mission briefings, look deep into those beautiful eyes, and just say it. "I love you, Bradley Crawford." It would have been the five hardest words I had ever said. And it happened a thousand times over, but only in my mind-- all those times when you thought I was just daydreaming, just not paying attention, I was really trying to pin down the expression that would flash across your face if I ever actually found the courage to expel those five horrible, wonderful words from my lips. Sometimes you looked horrified, disgusted, embarrassed-- those were the times I decided I would never do it. But sometimes... sometimes you would smile, or your cool facade would crack and your eyes would fill with tears of joy, and once or twice I even imagined you might lean over and kiss me. Those were the times when I decided I had to tell you.

And I really thought I would, someday. I never guessed you would leave so quickly, that you would ever be so far from me. But you are... you're gone, you're out of my life forever, and I know you're never coming back. I guess you could say I lost my chance. And... it hurts, Brad. It really does. Knowing I can't change the past.

And because I can't change the past... I have no future.

Oh, I'm not talking about suicide. I'm in no hurry to meet the devil, although one cannot avoid the inevitable. You, of all people, would understand this. You always saw it coming.

But will I live?

You see, being alive and living aren't the same at all. They're two very different things. And I don't believe I can live anymore, without you in my life. I know, that's a line straight out of some hyper-romantic tragedy, delivered by the heroine before she throws herself from some tall tower on a rainy night.

Well, the sky's clear today, Brad, and I'm no beautiful, innocent princess in love for the first time. I'm nothing but a ruined, corrupted, impure man... a killer, a manipulator, guilty to the core and to the end.

But I'm still human, and I am still capable of love.

Would that surprise you? If you really knew me, if you were the one cursed with the blessing of telepathy instead of me, would it have shocked you to know that I loved? And what's more... that I loved you?

No, I don't know why I chose you. I don't know if I believe in fate, predestination, people being "meant to be together". I don't even know if a relationship between us would have worked at all. I only wanted a chance to find out.

Perhaps, if I had, I wouldn't be missing you so terribly now.

It doesn't matter anymore. I'm not trying to change things, because I know I can't. I just needed to tell you this... I needed to feel as if I made the attempt, even though I know it's much too late.

I'm sorry, Brad. I'm sorry I never told you, even though you may not have even cared. I'm sorry I never found the courage to express my feelings for you. Maybe if I had, you'd be here now. With me. But that's a question I will never learn the answer to.

So now, the only thing left for me to do is let go.

Goodbye, Brad.... I love you.

*~*~*~*~*

Wiping a single tear off his cheek-- the only sign of emotion in an otherwise still face-- he signed the letter, then carefully folded it and placed it gently on the ground in front of the granite marker. He stood, staring down at the contrast of smooth gray stone and bright green grass and clean white letter.

"Goodbye, Brad." The words came in a whisper, carried off by the wind, going nowhere and everywhere.

Then he walked away.

I need to find a way to break this silence that's between us
So I scream your name, I scream your name....

-"So Far Away", Stabbing Westward