Whoever says life is easy, is a complete moron. Life is not easy, no matter where you go, no matter what you do, no matter who you are or what you say. To those that mean the world to us, life is far from easy. Having raised my four year old daughter as a single mother taught me, that even the purest and kindest at heart will fall down. Even the luckiest will have a bad streak, even the loved will find themselves alone.
When my daughter, Lucy Natalie Rose-Scott died last June, my world fell to pieces. Everything I had ever known and loved was ripped away. It didn't matter that I was pregnant with my second child, a baby boy, who would be named in honor of my late uncle, Keith. It didn't matter that I had the love and support of my friends, family, and co-workers.
Nothing is worse than losing your first child, after so many turmoils, so many heart breaking moments, so many months spent in and out of hospitals nation wide, just trying to help your baby survive.
And never once, did I expect to lose her, that bright, summer day.
"Mommy, I hurt," Lucy cried from her spot on the couch. I looked up from my book, and sighed. This had been an ongoing notion, ever since her most recent surgery that May.
"I know babygirl, it's going to hurt," I tried my hardest to ease her pain.
"No mommy, this is worse, this really hurts!" her sudden urgency behind the words forced me to rush to her side. My hands lightly brushed her forehead. She was burning up.
"Okay, baby, we're going to visit Dr. May, alright?" I said, trying my hardest to keep my voice calm, knowing that the moment I panicked, my little girl would panic too.
"O-okay mommy," she whined, as I quickly packed her old diaper bag with anything we'd need if we had to be admitted again. I was used to this. The last minute packing, the last minute hospital stays, this was routine.
"Okay babygirl, ready for a car ride?" I asked tenderly, as I slipped a thin coat over her pajamas.
"No, no," she whimpered. She reached for Hero, who came to her side instantly. "I want Hero to come," she added.
"Dogs aren't allowed at the doctors, you know that silly," I said softly.
"No one will feed him if we're gone," she whined.
"I'll have Brooke come over to feed him, you know how much your Aunt Brooke love Hero," I said, trying my best to hide my irritation. Brooke actually hated Hero, but that's only because when he was a puppy, he peed on her designs.
"But mo-" she started, then gasped, tears welling in her eyes.
Enough was enough. I scooped her up, not caring at she was heavier than I should be lifting, and not caring when her boney knees dug into my belly. I had already asked the doctor if it could cause any harm to my unborn son. She reassured me that in the first trimester, it was unlikely.
We reached the hospital in record time, and as I excepted, we were admitted while Dr. May ran a series of tests. During that time, I only thought my little girl had a minor infection, something I had already been warned about.
I called Lucas, but Lindsey, his new girlfriend and his publisher, answered his phone instead.
"Can I talk to Lucas?" I asked, cutting right to the chase.
"He's in the shower right now..." she said slowly, obviously confused as to who was calling.
"It's his sister. His niece is in the hospital, and I was wondering if he could come by," I said shortly.
I heard the sound of footsteps and crinkling as the phone passed hands.
"Hey, I'll be there in 15," he said before hanging up.
I called Nathan and Haley next. Both said they'd be there as soon as possible. Skills came along with Haley, since Nathan was at home with Jamie. When I called, I completely forgot that Nathan was still wheelchair ridden after his accident a few months prior. I didn't bother Brooke or Peyton, knowing that it would be too many people and too awkward.
I sighed and waited for the results of Lucy's tests.
Later that night, with Lucas at my side, I got the news I had been waiting for. Lucy had a series infection, and would have to remain in the hospital until it cleared up. They were doing everything they could to make her comfortable, but her screams could be heard down the hall.
I didn't sleep that night to say the least.
The next two days seemed to get a lot better. Color returned to Lucy's cheeks, and her fever broke. But she still cried herself to sleep more times than not, the pain still too much for the little girl to withstand. Skills and Lucas took turns staying with us, knowing that I needed moral support now more than ever.
It was on June 14th that Lucy's condition started to worsen, though Dr. May said that she was recovering at a normal rate. I was at her side when I noticed her fever had returned, and her heart rate started to quicken.
Before I knew it, the room was full of doctors, but one voice rang out above the rest.
"Call a code!"
I felt someone come up behind me and turn me so I was facing their chest, but I didn't even know who it was. Probably Skills, since it was his day to stay, but either way, I didn't care. I couldn't watch as they repeatedly tried to restart Lucy's heart.
Then I heard the words that would haunt me for the rest of my life.
"Time of death, 10:53pm, June 14th 2011," Dr. May said softly. I felt my heart stop. My knees gave out, and whoever was standing beside me caught me just before I hit the floor.
"Easy, c'mon Kitten," the voice said. I realized then, that it was Lucas. Aside from my mother and Keith and himself, no one knew that nickname.
I felt him sit against the wall as he pulled me into his arms. And there I stayed, crying my heart out for what seemed like a lifetime.
It was just yesterday that I was singing Lucy her favorite lullaby. Just yesterday that I was brushing her honey blonde hair. Just yesterday that I was telling her how much fun she'd have in kindergarten.
And it was over, in the blink of an eye, she was gone.
I am now only 4 weeks shy of delivering my second child, my little boy, Keith Alan Scott Jr. The father? Probably one of my many one night stands from the last months of my time in New York City. Yea, I said it. I was a whore.
I felt hands wrap around my waist, and I turned to find none other than Lucas hovering behind me.
"How's my big sister doing?" he asked.
"Better," I said honestly. The last 8 months have given me a lot of time to heal, and though my heart still aches, though I still cry every night, I can function again.
"I'm glad," he said softly, as he hands came to my bulging belly.
"How's my little nephew doing?" he asked when he felt a kick.
"Great, actually, he's a kicker," I said with a laugh. The first real laugh since that bitter night.
"And how about you? Are you ready, I mean?" he asked gently.
"Yea, I think I am," I said honestly. I hugged him tightly, thankful that both my older brothers were being such a support.
"Good, because little Keith Jr. has to have the most amazing mom around," he said fondly, causing me to blush.
And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Tears welled in my eyes and started to pour before I could even make a move to stop them.
"Hey don't cry!" Lucas said softly as he hugged me again.
"I'm the worst mother alive!" I moaned. "I couldn't even save my daughter!"
"Hey, hey, shh, what happened to Lucy was not your fault!" he objected.
"But it's because of me that she was born early," I cried as he forced me to face him.
"Never, ever, in a million years blame her death on yourself," he demanded, his eyes both tear filled and angry.
"I can't help it." was all I had to say to that.
"Hey! I'm glad you made it!" Haley chimed eagerly as I stepped around the curtain at Tric, smiling at one of my best friends.
"I told you I'd be here, didn't fill my spot, did you?" I asked lightly, my right hand resting on my stomach, my left holding my guitar case.
"Never! I told you, if you didn't go into labor, you would be on tonight!" she said with a laugh. "But no popping out a baby here, okay?" she added.
"I have 3 weeks still! I don't want him here any sooner than that!" I said with a warmhearted laugh. It had been Haley's idea to write a song in dedication to Lucy, and so I did. She fell in love with it, and offered to let me perform it at Tric, which I agreed to do, on one condition.
"You still owe me that autograph, Mrs. Haley James-Scott!" I said with a laugh as I opened my guitar case.
"Oh! I thought you were kidding," she admitted.
"Nope. Your godson is going to want to have a little something as proof that his beautiful and talented godmother was a famous singer!" I said. I smiled brightly when I saw the huge grin cross her face.
"I thought Peyton and Lucas were going to be the godparents of your children," she said shyly. Luke and Peyton were Lucy's godparents.
"They were," I started, nodding to myself as I took a deep breath. "But all things considered, and mainly, because I hate Lucas for choosing Lindsey, I decided that you and Nathan would be the official godparents this time. Peyton, Brooke and Luke the unofficial," I finished with a sigh. I never knew what could happen, and I knew the old crew would have no objection. Especially since most deemed themselves Keith's aunts and uncles as it was already.
"Alright then!" Haley said, practically squealing with delight. I smiled brightly, letting her hug me as I turned to Peyton, who was watching, her eyes shining.
"Thanks," she said softly, sincerely. She knew I loved her, and that she would always be the one I wanted to see Lucas end up with. Everyone knew he was still in love with her, even if he didn't know so himself.
I nodded, then took a deep breath, a I walked onto the stage.
I surveyed the crowd, trying my hardest to pick someone, or something, to focus on. Suddenly, my eyes caught sight of the one quote that always made me feel better. A quote I would remember for the rest of my life.
Somebody told me that this is the place where everything's better and everything's safe.
"Good evening guys!" I called out to the crowd. I was delighted when most of them cheered. I took a deep breath, as my eyes settled on Lucas. I used to sing around him when I was younger, and figured, if I could do it then, why not be able to now.
"This song is dedicated to my late daughter, Lucy Natalie. Fly high babygirl, I know you're watching down," I said softly into the microphone, almost losing my edge as the words left my lips.
I started playing softly, letting the house band learn the harmonies, before I began singing the only song that has brought me any comfort lately.
"And as the world shows no mercy,
The coldest nights ahead,
I'll remember my beloved daughter,
As I rest my restless head.
And as my heart breaks more each evening,
I'll remember your smiling face,
And I'll remember that good needed an angel,
He needed your purity, your grace. " I finished the song, tears in my eyes, as I stepped off the stage. Haley and Peyton were both telling me how well I had done, but I pushed past them, not wanting them to see the tears in my eyes.
I went out the back door and took several deep breaths, before walking back inside. I sat at the bar, and smiled softly to myself, remembering the first night after Lucy's death, how Lucas had found me sitting at the bar, sober as ever, with tear filled eyes.
"Hey sexy mama," a voice came from behind me. I had no idea who the man was, but I wasn't in the mood for drunk, overly friendly men. I stood up, and started to make my way through the crowd when he grabbed my arm.
"Not so fast, prego," he growled. The smell of alcohol blew off his breath as he pulled me towards him.
"Get your hands off me," I growled, beyond pissed.
"Are you a prissy little thang. Why not take daddy for a ride? I bet a pregnant slut like yous got a lot to give," he purred.
"I said, let go!" I practically screamed as I pulled away. He then did the one thing that not only set me off, but set my youngest brother, who was watching intently, off.
He slapped my ass.
"You filthy son of a bitch!" I screamed as I freed my arm from his grasp.
"Don't you dare touch her like that," Nathan roared over the music, at my side in seconds flat. He was ready to hit the asshole, when Haley flew between them.
"Nathan, he's not worth it, walk away," she hissed.
"You're lucky," Nathan growled.
"Not that lucky," someone hissed from behind. Next thing I know, someone I'd never seen before decked the asshole with such force, that he flew a few feet before crashing to the ground.
"You don't treat any of the Scott ladies like dogs, dick," the man growled, before turning to face me.
"Thanks," I said, slightly stunned.
"My pleasure Miss Scott," he said, flashing a bright smile. He then looked at his hand, which was already swelling from the force of his blow.
"Go ice your hand," I said with a soft laugh as my maternal instincts kicked in.
"It's fine. What about you? Are you okay?" he asked, eying my stomach knowingly.
"I'm absolutely fine, between you and my brother here," I said, nodding at Nathan, who was staring at the man in confusion, trying to figure out who he was and how he knew me. Haley had the same look on her face.
"You probably wonder who I am," he said with a short laugh. "We met in New York, when you were taking your daughter to the doctors," he said, letting the sentence hang, allowing me time to remember.
"Right! You're Damian!" I said suddenly, remembering who he was. He was there the same day as us, with his infant daughter.
"How's Ana?" I asked.
"She passed away in January," he said with a slight shake of his head. He had lost his daughter only months after he had lost the mother to his child.
"I am so sorry," I said, feeling his pain.
"As am I, I knew how close you were to your daughter," he said, his face full of sympathy. I instantly felt safe with this man, despite not knowing much about him at all.
"Oh! Damian, this is Nathan, my brother, and Haley, my sister-in-law," I said brightly.
"A pleasure. Nathan, Scott right? The basketball player?" He asked, his eyes lighting up.
"Former basketball player," Nathan correctly gruffly.
"I heard about the fight. That's why I stepped in tonight. You're going to make a comeback, you know that," Damian said. Something about him reminded me of Lucas.
"Didn't your other brother write a book?" he asked suddenly.
"Lucas, yes," I said, unable to hide my smile. This guy was good. "What have you been doing? Stalking me?" I kidded.
"No, silly, I was born here in Tree Hill, but moved when I was 15, I remembered the names of the Mayor...er...former Mayor's kids pretty well. Considering two were damn good basketball players and the third was the best jockey this town has seen!" he said with a laugh.
"Oh!" I laughed brightly. That reminded me of Legacy.
"I'll be right back," I said as I excused myself.
I walked outside and dialed Madison's number. We hadn't spoken much since she moved away, but I knew she was keeping in touch with her father, ever since he was forced to sell the farm.
"Hey, Maddy, just wondering something real quick, what ever happened to Legacy?" I asked.
"My dad brought him with him when he moved. Legacy and All Star for that matter, your two favorites," she said with a soft laugh. "They're out in Texas right now, last I knew."
"Okay, I was just wondering," I said. After a few minutes of small talk, I said goodbye and wished her well, as she did the same.
I walked back inside to see Lucas examining Damian's hand.
"I think you broke it," he said matter of factly. The crowd had died down, as Tric prepared to close for the night.
"I have to agree with you there," Damian said, wincing at Lucas's tender touch.
"Let me see," I said softly, brushing past Lucas. I softly took Damian's hand in mine, and put a little pressure on the swollen parts. I couldn't help but shake my head.
"You dislocated these knuckles," I said, pointing to the ones that were injured. "And possibly broke a small bone or two," I added.
"When did you become the medical genius?" Nathan asked.
"Since I realized that between you and Luke, Brooke and Peyton, and our children, the likely hood of someone getting hurt is inevitable, so I took a few classes on first aid while I was in New York," I said with a laugh. "And good thing I did, since my son is probably going to be king of getting himself hurt, if he's anything like his uncles!" I laughed.
"Hey!" Nathan and Lucas said in unison. I threw them both a smile as I pressed the half melted ice back onto Damian's hand.
"Owen," I called from across the now almost empty club.
"Yea?" He replied.
"More ice over here, would you?" I asked, flashing him a bright smile. He brought it over, shaking his head.
"Bar fights are becoming a Scott tradition, huh?" he asked.
"Nooo," I laughed. He wasn't referring to Nathan, he was referring to the time I kicked this girls ass back 4 years ago, right before I moved to New York with Lucy. "And she deserved it! She called my brother a man whore!" I argued. Owen only shook his head.
"Stop starting trouble Lady Scott," he teased.
"Stop being an ass," I retorted, as I threw him an annoyed glare.
"Isn't it time you head off? You look tired," Damian noted, just as Lucas opened his mouth to suggest the same.
"True. I guess I'll take you and Peyton home?" I called to the pair who were sitting at the bar, talking in hushed tones with Owen.
"Naw, we're good," a very tipsy Brooke called back. I shook my head. I knew Owen wouldn't let them drive drunk.
"You want me to take you to the hospital to get that checked out?" I offered Damian.
"I'm good, but hey, thanks for hanging out tonight, you're pretty chill," he said with a smile. I returned it and agreed, before hugging both my brothers, Haley, and Lindsey, even though I wasn't fond of her. She made my brother happy. At least, so he said.
Once home, I did a quick once over of Keith's nursery. I had refused to convert Lucy's room, so Lucas and Nathan spent an entire weekend turning my old bedroom into a beautiful nursery, complete with pale blue walls, a crib, my old rocking chair, and countless other things. I appreciated their hardwork than I dared to let them know. I never would have been able to do it without them. And leave it to Brooke to fill the unborn babies closet with countless outfits, more than I think he'd ever need.
I retired to my freshly done room, and curled up under the thick comforter, for the first time in ages, appreciating the silence, my two dogs sleeping at my side. Hero, who was still lonely since Lucy passed and Karma, my new addition, an overly friendly pit bull, who I was sure would become a true member of the family one day.
3 weeks later...
"Easy, breathe," Lucas coached from his position next to me. I gripped his hands and did my best not to break them as I pushed. Upon learning that I was pregnant, we agreed that Lucas would be my coach come the day.
After nearly 12 hours of labor, my son was born. He had been due two days before, but I was more than greatful to have carried him full term.
"Congratulations, Miss Scott, you have a beautiful baby boy," my doctor said brightly, as she handed my son to me. He was screaming his head off, but as soon as he was in my arms, he stopped crying so hard and looked up at me with his beautiful blue eyes.
"Welcome to the world, Keith Alan Scott, welcome to Tree Hill, Son," I said tenderly, my heart swelling with warm and love.
They say childbirth is the most painful and most amazing experience a woman will ever go through, and they're right. I never thought I would have been able to live with Lucy's death, but seeing my healthy, handsome son for the first time, made me feel whole again. And thought Lucy would always be in my heart and soul, her baby brother now had a strong hold over my every move.
I was more than relieved when, 3 days later, I was released from the hospital, my newborn son in my arms.
"Ready to go home?" Brooke asked. She had been more than eager to offer to drive us home.
"Yes, but I want to go visit Keith first," I said, and as soon as the words left my mouth, Brooke instantly knew exactly what I meant.
We drove to the cemetery in silence, both of us remembering back over 4 years ago. I found myself looking at my son, as I felt the car stop.
Taking Keith Jr. in my arms, I walked to the headstone and sat down.
"Look Keith, it's your little great nephew. And great he is, just like his uncle. You know, if he grows up to be half the man you are, I'll be the happiest mother alive," I said. I reached with one hand, to lay it on his headstone. I looked at Keith, and much to my amazement, he was staring at the headstone, his eyes watching intently, his eyes flicking in my direction with every word.
"Keith, meet Keith Junior," I said softly, as I placed a kiss on my son's head. "Take care of Lucy until I get there," I whispered.
Next I walked to my mother's headstone. Though she had been cremated, I had insisted on placing a stone as well. I sat down and smiled at the inscription.
"Hey, mom," I said softly. "I want you to meet your grandson, Keith Alan Junior," I said as I felt tears well in my eyes. "I know you'd be proud mom, I promise, I'll make sure he's as good a man as his uncles are," I softly promised.
Lastly, before I was ready to leave, I paid a visit to the hardest grave there was in the world for me. My daughter's.
"Good morning, beautiful baby, I bet you're thrilled to know you've got a baby brother. Keith will always know you, princess, I'll always make sure you live on. Mommy loves you, and mommy is so sorry that you had to go. But God needed a new angel, and you needed him. I love you babygirl," I said, as a single tear fell from my eyes.
At the sight of the tear, my three day old son did something remarkable. He reached up, and with his tiny hand, he caught the tear before it could fall. I knew at that moment, that the three lost loves of my life were watching down on us, protecting and loving us, from up above.
I never used to believe in fate. Not until the day my son was born. I used to blame the pain, heartbreak, sorrow, despair on anything but fate. But in that silent moment, that moment my newborn son reached up and wiped my tear, I suddenly believed. I believed that everything would be okay. That everything has happened for a reason, and that life kept moving forward, with or without you.
And in that moment, I was able to breathe again.
Thanks to my brilliant son.
They say parenthood is always a challenge. That there will be good and bad days. And they're right. Being a mother is hard. Especially a young, single mother. But there is love and support around every corner. And there will always be moments when you're left asking why. Why my child? Why my life? Why me? But in those moments, those moments when everything seems dark and broken, you have to keep moving forward. You have to find the strength to go on. Because when you are a parent, there is always someone much younger, much smaller, and much more afraid than you are, that needs you to protect, love, and defend them.
Yea, being a parent isn't easy. But it is the best gift of all.
AN: 4 years later...so much has changed, right? This one is going to be a lot longer, a lot more planned out, and best of all, this one is going to be a lot more dramatic, but in a good way!
Reviews are always welcomed!
Part 2 of the trilogy!