A/N: To those of you who read and reviewed "In and Out of Time" wanting some more... well, this probably isn't exactly what you had in mind! It's a little angsty, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Just don't be upset when it's not the happy ending you were hoping for! (I'm sorry, kinda, a little.) This fic was inspired by the song "Drive" by Now, Now and I just needed to get it out of my brain and here for you all to read. Also, no one edited this, so any and all mistakes are all mine!
Maura had never felt pain quite like this before. Yes, she'd been through physical and emotional trauma before, but this was something new. She could have sworn she felt her heart breaking a little bit more with every breath she took and with every minute that passed. Time was mocking her. Who was she, but one more human, unable to slow the hands of time.
The warm night air was a welcome reprieve from the cold air of the Boston Police Department's basement. Summer was just coming to an end and nights were still warm enough to be enjoyable. She was working late, yet again, on an autopsy that really shouldn't be taking her this long. It normally would have taken her a couple of hours, tops, but since she was avoiding this…
She really should get back inside and finish up. Employees weren't even supposed to be on the roof, but she had taken to coming up here every so often over the past few months when she needed to get away from everything for a little bit. It was most peaceful at night, when she could look down and see all of the city lights. Tonight was no different, save for the light rain that had been falling on and off over the past few hours.
Maura loved the sound that tires made on the wet pavement as they drove. People were fewer and farther between with the rain, which gave her the feeling of being alone that she had been looking for all day. The good-bye parties had been too much with the smiles, congratulations, and laughter. She wanted to cry, to yell, to fall apart. But she couldn't. Not yet, at least.
It was only a few months ago that she had finally admitted to herself that she was in love with her best friend. Then again, how could anyone not fall in love with detective Jane Rizzoli? Sure, she was a little rough around the edges, but once you got to know her, there was that warm, loving woman that the medical examiner had been allowed to see over the years. Maura realized that she had loved Jane for far longer, but hadn't quite realized it. She had never really had strong female friendships, which is what theirs had started out as. Maura had felt the gradual shift in their relationship over time, and she was sure Jane had felt it, too, but neither said anything.
That's why it had hurt Maura so much when Jane announced that she had decided to marry Casey. Not only that, but that she was going overseas to live with him, too. The news had felt like a punch to the gut for Maura. How could Jane do this to her? Didn't Jane realize she loved Maura, too? But it was too late to say anything now.
A few cool raindrops fell onto Maura's face as she stood near the edge of the rooftop. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the feeling of them on her skin as she leaned against the tall ledge. Maura saw flashes of the past years when she closed her eyes. The little moments she and Jane had shared. The times when Jane had saved her, which were more than she would have liked, but she always knew Jane would come to her rescue. Would she this time? Would the detective drop everything and rush to her side if she needed it now? Maura doubted that, especially once Jane was at whichever base they were sending her to that Casey was stationed at now.
Maura imagined the hugs the two women had shared. Jane, who was always claiming to not be a hugger, but also never giving it a second thought before wrapping Maura in her embrace. And Maura didn't know of anyone else that Jane would let hug her so freely.
Maura also thought about the moment she and Jane had shared just a couple of weeks ago. It had been when they returned home after several drinks at the Dirty Robber and Jane was still struggling to decide then if she was really going to marry Casey and leave everything and everyone here in Boston behind. Once they were back home, Jane cracked open another beer and Maura had poured herself another glass of wine and they had settled into the couch together. Jane had been quiet and thoughtful by that point, and Maura didn't want to push anything. Somehow Jane's hand had ended up on her thigh, higher up than Jane would normally push it, though Maura had wondered if that was an effect from the alcohol. Jane had turned to say something to her and cupped Maura's face with her other hand. The words must have gotten caught in Jane's through, much like Maura's heart had leaped up into her throat, too, or maybe even all the way up to her ears because the pounding of her heart had seemed to be the only thing she could hear. Until Jane cleared her throat with what looked like a few tears welling up in her eyes and then gotten up and went into Maura's guest bedroom for the night. As quickly as Maura's heart had leapt up, she felt it plummet. She thought that was going to be it, the moment Jane finally acknowledged her feelings and Maura would have told Jane that she felt the same way, but apparently Jane wasn't ready yet. They hadn't spoken about it the next day, and that next night Jane announced that she had decided to say yes to Casey and go meet up with him. That was also the first night Maura had found herself on BPD's rooftop.
Maura felt tears slowly run down her face, mixing with the few raindrops, and a lump in her throat starting to form. She couldn't believe Jane was running away from what they could be. Or, maybe it did make sense, but Maura had though Jane was smarter than this. She had given Jane subtle hints over the past few weeks, but she had decided she wouldn't push the brunette if she wasn't ready. Maura heard the rooftop door open and click shut a few feet behind her. She didn't need to look to see who it was, she recognized the sound of the boots as they strode over to her.
"Hey, Maur, they guys said you were up here. Everything okay?" Jane asked. Maura would have laughed, if the situation were different, if she wasn't about to lose the love of her life to some man who didn't even deserve half of Jane. She wiped one of the final tears away as she turned around to Jane.
"No, everything's not okay, but it's too late anyway," she said softly.
"Maura, were you crying?" Jane asked, as she took one of Maura's hands in her and brought the other up to brush away a raindrop.
"Hah," Maura chuckled dryly, "must have been a raindrop. It was just raining a few minutes ago." Jane nodded, but looked uneasy, waiting to see if Maura would break out in hives if she had been lying about it not being a tear.
"Can I at least drive you home? It's late, the party is pretty much done, and we need to get to sleep," the dark-haired detective said.
"Of course," Maura replied, "and you have a plane to catch in the morning." Jane could have sworn there was a bite to Maura's words as she mentioned the flight she was taking to meet Casey tomorrow. Jane's stomach had been flipping into knots for the past few weeks, ever since she had said yes to Casey. She tried to play it off as nerves, but couldn't help think it was maybe something more. Especially since her stomach seemed to flip extra whenever she looked at Maura, or maybe that was just the way her heart pounding seemed to feel now. Jane kept ahold of Maura's hand as the two walked back to the rooftop door. She absent-mindedly brushed her thumb over the back of Maura's hand.
As the pair made their way towards the front door, Maura made eye contact with Jane's mother, Angela, as she finished cleaning up the remaining good-bye party decorations. Angela could see the hurt and pain in Maura's eyes and gave her a weak smile. The blonde didn't smile back and Angela mentally berated her daughter for not seeing the pain she was causing Maura. It's not that Angela didn't like Jane and Casey together, they were both very passionate and caring people, and they were good together. But Jane and Maura were a whole different ball game. Jane and Maura could be amazing together. Angela knew it, Maura knew it. Hell, everyone but Jane seemed to know it even if they hadn't acknowledged it.
"We're heading home, Ma," Jane called as they crossed the room, "I'm gonna give Maura a ride home, so we'll see you back there in a bit." Angela nodded her head while giving Jane what she hoped was a stern look. It did seem to work, as Jane looked at her, confused, before opening the door for Maura. Hand in hand, the pair crossed over to Maura's car, and Jane opened the passenger door for the blonde. Jane got into the driver's seat and started the car.
The ride home was a silent one, but the tension in the air was noticeable. Maura rolled her window down, attempting to get some fresh air and so she could have an excuse to look somewhere other than between Jane's face and then her hands on the steering wheel. Beside, Maura loved the smell of the rain and the noise the tires made on the wet pavement as the car took them home. She looked down at her watch: 9:47 pm. Only 12 hours until Jane would be on the airplane to Casey and Maura would be left behind once more. The hands on her watch kept ticking.