"Am I going to be ok?" Sydney asked, and Maggie exhaled sharply, took Sydney's hand.
"You're going to be fine," Maggie said as calmly as she could. Sydney looked away.
"Your nose just twitched," Sydney said, hanging her head, and Maggie smiled wryly. This woman knew her. Maggie ran her fingers over Sydney's knuckles, wanting to put her arm around Sydney but worried it might be too intimate, too much for Sydney. She wanted to comfort her mentor, not seduce her.
"It never bothered you, did it? This is such a big deal for me, and you took it in stride like it didn't even matter that I was a woman." Sydney sounded a little bitter, like she was jealous that Maggie hadn't had the burden of sexuality and religion and a broken engagement pressing down on her. And Maggie conceded that it would suck, all of that pressure and uncertainty. But it hadn't mattered to her that Sydney was a woman; Sydney was someone whose morals aligned with her own, whose demeanour had pleased her, whose passion had intrigued her. Even that morning, when Sydney had cryptically thanked and complimented her, Maggie had still been smiling when she walked into Herschel's room. And to hear that Sydney had thought enough of Maggie to share all the small habits Sydney had apparently been taking note of with her fiance, to be treated like a rockstar on meeting him, it only made her melt more, only made her want to hold the other doctor more. Maggie knew how hard it had been for Sydney to come out to just Maggie; just Maggie who she'd already kissed and had been hinting for weeks that there was something behind it. To come out the man she was going to marry, to have that reaction from him - a little hypocritical, Maggie thought, because bacon was mentioned in the Torah twice as many times as male homosexuality and the fact that Maggie was angry enough to have done the research so she could put him in his place once she made sure Sydney was going to be fine was telling on her part.
And then Sydney had told Maggie that she wasn't going to live a lie, that she was coming out to her community, fully aware of the consequences, fully aware that Herschel's reaction might be the most mild she would encounter. It was incredibly brave, and Maggie wasn't sure what she would have done in Sydney's position.
"It mattered, sure. But no, it didn't bother me. You're someone I was attracted to..." She paused, and instead of saying 'am attracted to', instead said "and the anatomical differences seemed arbitrary."
When Maggie chanced another look at Sydney, she looked broken. Sydney looked so small and fragile. Maggie knew there was the strong possibility that Sydney's orthodox family might disown her, throw her out of the community, set Shiva for her, pretend she was dead. Maggie gave in, let go of Sydney's hand and slipped her right arm over Sydney's shoulder. Sydney crumbled into Maggie, buried her hands in the lapels of Maggie's white coat and her face in Maggie's chest.
"I can be your friend," Maggie said, nearly following it up with a 'for now' but leaving it because she didn't want to pressure Sydney into something she perhaps didn't want. Maggie knew she'd been an affair of convenience, but she'd also hoped for more. "I'll be here. Whatever you need," Maggie said quietly. Sydney nodded against Maggie's chest, tears soaking through Maggie's scrub top, small hands moving from Maggie's lapel down to her waist, where her fingers dug in between Maggie's ribs. Maggie brought her other arm up, rubbed Sydney's back, held her close.
Sydney had to have known for a long time that she was gay - she'd admitted to a crush on Neshama - and never, ever acted on it until Maggie. Unless she was so desperate with her impending engagement loomin – but she kissed Maggie before she was engaged, so it wasn't a last Hurrah, there was no rush before she committed herself. It had to be based on something real, Maggie thought, thinking back to earlier that day when Sydney had thanked her for nothing, the look on the redhead's face adoring as she'd looked at Maggie, who shifted her gaze to firmly fix on her phone, unable to process the affection professionally. And the fact that Sydney apparently spent all her time with Herschel extolling Maggie, it had to mean something. It had to mean Sydney felt something for Maggie. She was walking away from a wedding with barely a week to spare - and sure, it was because Sydney was gay, but she'd never... in 28 years, she'd never kissed another woman until Maggie. She'd been able to pretend until Maggie. And Maggie hoped that meant something.
Despite telling Maggie that what she was going through was nothing to do with Maggie shortly before jumping her in the on-call room a half an hour later, Maggie suspected otherwise. It all added up. But if Sydney wasn't ready to admit that – she'd already admitted so much, so much more than Maggie had expected from her - then Maggie wasn't going to press her. She wasn't going to tell the tiny redhead in her arms that she'd unexpectedly fallen for her. She didn't want to make Sydney's life any more difficult. Maybe, after Sydney came out, after she knew where she stood with her family and the orthodox community, after she was ok with being gay Maggie would tell her.
But for now Maggie held the weeping doctor, wiped Sydney's face gently with her fingertips when she ran out of tears, laid her gently on the bunk and watched her fall into an exhausted sleep as she held her hand. She removed Sydney's glasses and brushed the hair from Sydney's face, kissed the temple of the woman she hadn't tried very hard not to fall for. She sat on the bunk, watching Sydney sleep.
When Sydney woke to Maggie's phone buzzing, Sydney's hand was still in Maggie's as Maggie excused herself to go to the OR. Sydney retrieved her glasses, watched as the taller doctor walked away, paused at the door, looked back at Sydney with a tightened mouth. Maggie stepped back toward the bed, squatted next to Sydney, looked her in the eyes as she rested a hand on Sydney's face.
"You're going to be fine," Maggie told Sydney, with assurance in her voice this time. Sydney's gaze slipped down to Maggie's nose, but there was no betraying movement. Sydney nodded, and Maggie leaned in to press her lips firmly against Sydney's. "Just fine," she said, pulling away but still very close.
"Thank you, Maggie," Sydney said quietly, hand briefly cradling Maggie's face before Maggie stood and turned for the door.
Authors note: as previously mentioned, I love this ship.
Developing some more cannonesque interludes. This one is from Season 4, episode 16.
Loosely related to 'Last Call' and 'Stay'. I'll also be editing those here and there; some of the parts I'm writing now fit in those pieces rather than the ones they're in now.
I wish I'd just made one long story with multiple chapters now, but these aren't in order. Perhaps when they're done I'll archive them into one story?
These are weird to write because you never really know what Sydney is thinking, whereas Maggie wears her emotions on her face. They never really talk about it between instances; you can tell how much in unsaid between them, and that makes extrapolation difficult without breaking cannon.
Let me know what you think.