When Life Gives You Kittens, Still Make Lemonade

by The Fault In Our Asterisks

ARCHIVED FOR REFERENCE; READ STATE OF GRACE FOR MORE INFO - "It's them." I said, gaping. "It is!" Emma said, dramatically. "You know what this means?" Emma quickly whipped out her iPod and clicked a few things on it. We looked at each other and grinned, "IT'S RAINING MEN! HALLELUJAH!" Classic Akatsuki kittens.

1. Chapter 1

When Life Gives You Kittens,

Still Make Lemonade

Written By: ForASunset'sRise

A/N: Welcome, welcome to my Akatsuki fanfic. This story does use cuss words and vulgar language and is rated T due to Hidan's fat ass mouth. And Emma's. And Denver's. I hope you enjoy and I'm free to all criticism and reviews. I'm not responsible for any mental scars.

'blah, blah, Mario' ~ Thoughts

'yaoi, mayo, Cato' ~ Amme speaking

"Play Doh, coffee, turds." ~ Regular speaking

"Meat, meat, meat." ~ White Zetsu speaking

"More meat." ~ Black Zetsu speaking

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, the entire Akatsuki would be alive and I would personally murder Tobi.

Chapter 1

Soft Kitty

"Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur."

Emma

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

Poke.

Jab.

"The hell!" I moaned into my pillow. It was too early for this shit. The sun was too bright, everything was too loud. Someone giggled from above me, most likely enjoying my pain. I turned my head to face the incompetent fool who decided to wake me up.

Denver.

I should have guessed. She was the second bravest person in our posse, second to me, of course.

"Wake up, Lauren!" Denver cooed. Her hair skimmed over her shoulder, the sunlight shining through her dirty blond and baby pink locks. Freckles danced across the bridge of her nose and cheeks as she grinned at me. "I'm already awake, bitch!" I mumbled, grabbing the small orange frying pan that was adjacent to my pillow and swinging it at Lizzi's face. Lizzi screeched, "Why the hell do you still have that thang?", then dove out of the room and slid head first into the wall outside my door.

Cackling madly, I slipped my hand into my pillow case and pulled out Maxson. Maxson was my oh-so-beloved iPod Touch. I was obsessed with him and took him everywhere with me. My iPod is my life and my life is my iPod.

I pulled myself out of bed, wrapping the black and purple floral comforter around my shoulders, and slowly shuffled out of my room. I closed the beat up door behind me with my foot, being careful not to jam my toe into one of the cracks at the bottom of the door.

Poor door! It's had so much abuse! It was probably mostly me who did the abusing though. Eh, screw it.

"Denver, Denvie, Elizabeth, Lizzi, the E in ELLA, Denver, Den~ver, Denver, DENVER!" I nagged, stabbing Denver with my big toe every time I called her by her many nicknames. Denver twitched violently and tried to bite my toe. My favorite toe. "Hey, bitch, don't try to bite my favorite toe!" I quickly jabbed Denver in the boob with my toe and dashed down the staircase.

"Ouch! You lil' Akatsuki whore!" Denver darted down the staircase after me. I peered over at my shoulder and yelped when I saw her within grabbing reach of my comforter. I turned my attention back ahead of me and panted; I had another, like, fifty steps since the staircase was a spiral staircase. Therefore it was longer than your average staircase.

Damn grandmother.

'Use the staircase, genius.' Amme, my inner self, said in the back of my head. Amme sounded like she could care less whether or not we got caught but that was because she was sitting on her mind couch playing on her mind iPod, Nosxam.

'Oh…' I thought back to her, feeling like an idiot.

I released my comforter, Denver getting a face load of fabric behind me, and quickly planted my butt on the staircase railing. "TAKE THAT, BITCH! YOU CAN'T TOUCH MEH! I AM FU-" I didn't get to finish my victory scream. Due to my extreme idiocy and lack of attention, I slid off the staircase railing and face planted the floor.

"Ow…" I moaned in pain. Suddenly, the weight of my best friend was added to my body. Denver cackled madly in my ear, "WHO'S TOUCHABLE NOW!" I groaned as she punched me in the boob and ran into the kitchen, shouting about how much she loved 'her Honey-senpai'.

I sniffled and began ranting and raving, "DENVER! YOU FUCKIN' BITCH! THAT WAS MY BOOB! YOU'RE SO FUCKIN' LUCKY I'M TOO LAZY TO COME IN THERE AND SECOND BASE YOU! FOR THE LOVE OF ANIME, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE SO I CAN NINJA CHOP YOU, SHOVE… uh… WAFFLES! YEAH, I'LL SHOVE WAFFLES DOWN YOUR THROAT!"

"THEY BETTER BE CHOCOLATE WAFFLES!"

"THEY SURE AS HELL WON'T! I'LL GO CHOP UP A LIGHT POLE, THE MAYOR, AND SEAWEED AND MAKE WAFFLES OUT OF THAT!"

Denver stuck her head out the kitchen entrance and looked at me. "I bit the mayor once. He actually tastes pretty good."

I just stared at Lizzi. 'Really? The mayor of all people for her to bite?' Amme thought. I shrugged and looked up at the ceiling. "Since when do we have a chandelier?" I asked, extremely confused by the dangling shining object glued to the ceiling.

Denver looked at the ceiling as well. "It's been there since you invited us to live with you."

"Oh."

Denver

I worry about Emma sometimes. But who doesn't? You can just ask her family if they worry about her sanity. They'll say she doesn't even have sanity.

I shook my head at Lauren as she gazed mystified at the chandelier. Such small things can amaze that girl.

I walked back into the kitchen and grabbed a spork out of one of the drawers. I giggled evilly for a second before sitting down on one of the mismatched stools at the kitchen island. Almost instantly a plate filled with bunny shaped chocolate pancakes and bacon was sat down before me.

"Thanks Caitlyn!" I said, grinning at the tall red head. Caitlyn smiled over her shoulder at me, and continued frying what I assumed was Emma's livermush. I looked down at my food and silently thanked Ozzi for not making bunny shaped chocolate waffles. I'd rather not have Lauren shove waffles down my throat.

"Is that livermush I smell?" Emma said, suddenly appearing in the stool beside me. I screeched slightly and fell out of my chair, er, stool. Emma ignored me and looked at Caitlyn eagerly. "Yeah, thanks for the help." I muttered as Ozzi gave me a slight worried look before answering Emma.

"Yup! It's almost done, just a little longer. And you two-" Ozzi said, pointing the spatula she was using at us. "-are lucky Mattie's not here to slap you for cursin'." Lauren and I looked at each other and shivered slightly. Mattie had some very hard slaps and liked to use them on us when we curse. Which is basically all the time. We were starting to grow immune to Laurel's slaps.

"Lucky who's not here to slap who for what?" Mattie said, clueless. Mattie set down four bags of groceries and reached to get something from her blue and silver duct tape purse. I squealed and pointed at Emma, "She cussed while you weren't here!"

Lauren stiffened and turned to center a heated glare on me. "You did, too!"

"Ha! You didn't deny it!"

"You didn't deny it either, smart ice!"

"You know what this means, right, Elizabeth? Ren?" Mattie said, turning to face us. She slowly began to pull out something from her purse. I froze in my chair while Emma screamed, stuffed her iPod down her bra, and fled from the scene, screaming "I'M INNOCENT! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD SEX YET!"

Caitlyn giggled, setting down a plate of livermush and scrambled eggs beside my plate.

"You-" Mattie started. "-don't get any apple pie bubble gum." She finished pulling out four packs off apple pie bubble gum from her purse, waving them around tauntingly. I followed the packs of gum with my eyes. I tensed my legs and leapt across the kitchen island, "I WANT TEH GUMMY, MUMMY!" I shouted in a British accent.

I heard Ozzi yell something but was too distracted by the gum to actually listen and find out what she was saying. Mattie, excepting me to jump for the gum was already moved out of her spot causing me to crash to the ground. I would have cracked my head open on the edge of the sink if I didn't get my foot caught in the stool. The stool flew up from the ground, slid across the island, and dropped on my back. I cried out in pain and reached out pathetically for the gum in Laurel's hand.

I want the gum.

"Denver!" Caitlyn scolded from behind me, kicked me in the side with her grey booted feet. I looked up from her feet to her face. "You broke another plate, wasted perfectly good food, and got syrup all over your shirt and the floor, and almost injured yourself again!" She said, exasperated. I lifted myself to the elbows, carefully avoiding putting my elbows in the grand stickiness below me. "But what about Emma!" I defended myself. Mattie glanced over at me, popping her oh-so-beautiful gum bubble.

"She snuck in here durin' your grand attempt to get some gum, took her breakfast, and ran out of the room cackling madly. She's probably on top of the old swing set outside eatin'."

I let me head fall onto the ground.

"She's been doin' that a lot lately." Autumn said, tucking some of her hair behind her ear. "Cackling. I think the dark side is getting' to her." Mattie and I both snorted, "She is the dark side."

Caitlyn

Denver soon left the kitchen, a syrupy, bunny shaped, slightly smushed, chocolate pancake in hand. She said she was 'going to go nom-nom with Em-em.'

I just hope Emma brings back her plate and Denver and she don't end up fighting over the plate. We're down to just thirty-one plates. When we first moved here we had close to eighty plates. Forty-nine plates all destroyed by Lizzi and Ren.

I sighed as I finished picking up the shattered pieces of a perfectly good plate. I dropped the pieces into the now full trash bag. I grimaced as I pulled the bag out of the can and tied the draw strings.

"Mattie!" Madison looked up from cleaning the table. "I'm goin' to take out the trash!" Mattie nodded, mumbling something about 'Denver', 'kicking', and 'working Cait and I too hard.'

I carefully dragged the trash bag across the ground, trying not to bump the bag with my shoes or skirt. They were new and I did not want to get them stained. Unlike all my others clothes all have a little tiny microscopic stains all over the place because of those two nutcases I call my best friends.

"Finally!" I huffed, lifting the lid to the putrid trash can. I lifted the trash bag in the giant brown trash can then slammed the lid down on the can. I think I just saved my nose from having a seizure. I happily turned around and pranced back to the 2 story house I called home.

I grinned widely as I looked over my clothes. Not a single st-

THUD.

I began sobbing. So close, so close to not staining my clothes and now I have grass stains all over the knees of my white leggings. I stopped sobbing and just listened to the birds laugh at my misery.

Tweet, tweet, tweet, twe-meow.

'Since when do birds 'meow'?' I thought and scrambled up into a sitting position. A slightly squashed cardboard box sat in front of me. Is that what I tripped over? I don't remember that being there when I first came out here. I glanced around to see if Emma and Denver were nearby trying to prank.

Nothing. No-thing. No one around at all except me and this box. I stared at the box, unsure of what to do with it. "Meow." Since when do boxes meow? I reached over and pulled the flaps of the box apart and peered inside.

"Oh. My. Gosh! They're so cute!" I reached in and pulled out one of the kittens. The kitten I pulled out was completely black on one side of his body and completely white on the other. I mean, seriously, the colors split right down the middle of his body. His golden human-like eyes met mine. The kitten started squirming around in my hands and then leaned over and but my thumb.

"Hey!" I shouted, quickly placing the kitten back in the box. "Little brat… MATTIE!" I lifted up the box of kittens and walked back into the house. "What do ya have there, Cait?" Laurel asked as she held open the screen door for me. "Kittens." I called as I walked in the large-ish living room and set the box o' kittens on the coffee table. I plopped down on the black leather couch, Mattie sitting down on the white loveseat.

"Kittens? Since when do you randomly find kittens when taking out the trash?" Mattie asked, calmly scooting to the edge of the loveseat to open the box of kittens. That's what I love about Mattie. I can actually sit down and have a civil conversation with her without anyone saying anything perverted and giving me 'sexy looks'. Sure, sometimes she'll have her moments when she gets the perfect idea and starts evilly giggling while staring at a pencil but we're all a little insane, are we not?

That's what I thought.

Mattie peered into the box and rolled her eyes at a shining white paw that barely skimmed the brim of the box and had been trying to get a good swipe at Laurel as soon as she opened the box. "Feisty thang, isn't he?" I giggled at Mattie and looked into the box as well.

I pointed at a beautiful lavender kitten with a white spot on her right ear. Her amber eyes flicker up to mine for a second before turning her gaze back to an auburn, grey spotted kitten, meeting her eyes with his ringed purple ones. "She's the only girl out of all them."

"How do ya' know?"

I shrugged. "Instinct."

Laurel just stared at me blankly, her dark brown eyes clashing with my cat-like yellow eyes. She opened her mouth to say something, "YOU EFFIN' BENCH! DON'T SECOND BASE ME THEN RUN AWAY!"

Wait, Mattie wouldn't say something like that.

We turned to the doorway on the other side of the room as a plate covered in livermush and bacon grease flew across the room and shattered as it came in contact with the mantle that hung over the fireplace.

Make that thirty plates left.

Mattie

I don't usually like to yell. I don't and when I do yell (which isn't often) I only do it because I have to not because I want to. Unlike like a certain two people, not naming no names but I'll tell you it's Denver and Emma.

"REALLY, GUYS?" I shouted and jerked up from the loveseat as Emma and Denver skid into the living room, sliding across the hardwood floor in their knee high tye dye socks. Ren looked up at me, innocently, her hair messy than it was earlier this morning and her white camisole and baggy lime green pajamas covered in mud and grass stains. How she did it I'll know never but her pupils widened tremendously, her clear blue-almost green-irises almost swallowed up by the black of her pupil. She looked a whole lot more innocent but I know about all the acting lessons she took in high school so she can't fool me. Denver, whom was sprawled out beside her, just thumped her head against the floor knowing I was about to scold them. Her blue graphic tee shirt and bell bottoms were also covered in mud and green stain, so I assumed they wrestled outside and Lizzi second based Ren because she was getting too rough. Lauren was the strongest out of all of us and tended to not know her own strength.

"What have we told you time after time again, you two!" I started. "I mean, really, we're down to our last thirty plates because you destroyed over half over them! Do we really have to-you know what, I'm not doing it anymore and I'm not letting Caitlyn do it anymore either. You two will do the dishes, the laundry, and you will take the money you have and buy new plates. Twenty plates each, got it?" By the time I ended my rant I was panting heavily. Lizzi and Emma looked like they were about to cry. Well, Denver looked like she was about to cry. Lauren's eyes were filled with dramatic tears, not really affecting by the scolding. She had plenty of money to buy new plates due to her inheritance of her grandmother's house and money and she enjoyed cleaning when no one was around. So basically Denver was the only one being punished.

Oops.

I sat back down on the loveseat and pulled the brown cardboard rectangle closer to me and pulled out a bright yellow-or blonde, whichever comes first in cat terms-kitten with a cerulean blue eye. The other eye was covered by a tuft of fluffy fur which I lifted to peer at the kitten's other eye. His left eye was the same cerulean blue as the other only with a grey patch of fur surrounding it. The said kitten mewed loudly as I lifted him out of the box and into my lap. I flicked his head gently and told him to hush.

A large, dramatic gasp filled the room and Lauren and Elizabeth darted over to the glass coffee table. Lizzi knelt in front of me and looked intensely at the kitten in my lap. Emma leaned over and gazed into the box, hissing at one of the kittens that hissed at her. Denver whipped around and gazed into the box as well, a look of realization flashing on her face before she turned around.

"Do you think-"

"We're not that lucky."

"But what if they are the-"

"Don't say the name out loud."

"I call dips on the giant blue one."

"Of course you choose him. I call the one in Mattie's lap."

"Because he almost has the same color fur as Honey's hair. I call the completely black one."

Caitlyn and I exchanged strange looks as Denver and Emma conversed in a way only they could understand. I swear Ozzi and I are the only almost sane ones. Key word 'almost.'

Lizzi huffed at Ren's comment and gasped, "I call the beautiful red one! Just look at his brown eyes! So cute!" She made a grab for the red one and quickly swiped the blonde one from my lap and before any of us could stop her, darted out of the room. I heard loud thumps that sounded similar to footsteps on a staircase so I guessed she was heading up to her room.

Poor kittens, having to suffer the baby pink-ness of Denver's bedroom. Denver's bedroom was completely covered in bunnies and pictures of cake and candy. She had candy hidden all over the room, in places I don't think even a search dog could find.

I grumbled under my breath and pulled out another kitten. The kitten I pulled out had dark brown fur and had green irises and red sclera. Small markings that looked like stitches ran scattered across his body. I sat the kitten in my lap and settled back down into the loveseat and leaned my head back.

'Couldn't I have just one normal day in this household?' I thought. 'Not with Emma and Denver living here with you, you can't.' I sighed heavily, answering my own question, as I heard Denver laughed madly from upstairs.

Never. Not in this household.

A/N: I am so happy right now. I finally got this thing finished and I'm so happy.

Wait, I said that twice. Eh, oh well.

I'm sorry for any mistakes. It's like 11:04 PM and I'm about to fall asleep on the keyboard.

And the reason why some of the words are spelled slightly different is because Caitlyn, Denver, Mattie, and Emma live in North Carolina. They have Southern accents but it's not as thick as the ones Texans have.

And in case anyone was wondering, ELLA is a group Emma, Caitlyn, Denver, and Mattie made in 6th grade. It's kind of like a promise group that statements they'll be best friends forever. The reason they call it ELLA is because they took the first letter of each of their middle names and used to letters to make the word 'Ella'

To clear up any confusion, this how the naming chart goes for the girls.

First: Madison

Middle: Laurel

Last: Raymonds

Nickname(s): Mattie, Laurel

First: Denver

Middle: Elizabeth

Last: Sims

Nickname(s): Denvie, Elizabeth, Lizzi

First: Caitlyn

Middle: Autumn

Last: Michael

Nickname(s): Cait, Ozzi(only Mattie and Denver call her that), Leafi(only Emma calls her that), Autumn, Cait-lawn-o(only Mattie calls her that)

First: Emmaley

Middle: Lauren

Last: Post

Nickname(s): Emma, Lauren, Ren

The little saying thing at the top of the chapter is not mine. I do not own it. It's from The Big Bang Theory.

And that's pretty much all I have to say. Feel free to reviews or private message me. I'll try to set up a date for each chapter to come out but for now it's going to be pretty irregular.

Yours Truly,

Cirellaveil