A/N: PURE CRACK! You should not, my dear readers, take any of this seriously. I don't know if I'm even going to continue this story, believe it. Each segment would have to be a different non-canon pairing, and all I've got this time around is ItaHina. Also, this story is set in a slightly warped version of the Naruto world, where instead of killing the Akatsuki members, Konoha integrated them into society using blackmail, brainwashing, curse jutsus, etc. So, many of them are going to be showing up if I do have some ideas for more!

By the way, Sasuke still leaves. I don't like him, so I decided he isn't re-integrated into Konoha. HA! (Inner Yuki beheads a Sasuke plushie.)

Final Note: Tatsuo the bartender's character is based on a friend of mine who owns a bar down the street. And I pretty much copied the bar, for that matter! I changed their names to keep the rabid fan girls from knocking on his door and saying "are you the cute bartender I read about?" Sorry! I don't think my favorite adorable bartender deserves that. Plus, his awesome girlfriend would have a heart attack!

My next spoofs for this fic: KakaIno, Shikamaru-Asuma friendship, Deidara-Ino friendship, and a return episode of ItaHina! A few other crack scenes and pairing suggestions are welcome!

Part One:

ItaHina-

The Impromptu Reputation-Booster

DAY ONE: 19:00

"No Shirt, no shoes, no service. Minimal ninjutsu allowed. And no Rock Lee." The wooden sign above the Silver Moon tavern read as it swayed in the wind. The sun was almost down and leaves blew in miniature tornadoes around the feet of five konoichi as they bundled towards the entrance underneath the sign.

Sakura, Ino, Ten-Ten and Anko chuckled at the sign as they entered the bar, followed by the smiling Hinata. The girls hung up their coats, and spotted Kurenai waving them over to her table in the corner with Shizune and Hana Inuzuka already waiting.

"Where's Tsunade-shishou?" Sakura asked as she slid into her seat between Shizune and Ino, grabbing a small, fluorescent yellow paper menu from the center of the table.

"Oh, I'm not sure" Shizune said, pulling back her sleeve to check her watch, "She said she'd be here at seven." Hinata passed Sakura the list of what foods they wanted, and she turned it in to the bartender.

"It's only a quarter 'till, and who is Tsunade-Sama to refuse alcohol anyway." She added, pushing her sleeve back down over her watch and senbon crossbow-thing.

"Thanks Tatsuo, you always treat us great. You have the best snacks in Konoha!" Sakura said as the man named Tatsuo started working on their tall order. The bartender laughed.

"Would you really expect me to serve anything less than my best to the Hokage and her friends?" Tatsuo laughed, uselessly pushing some of his dirty blonde bangs behind his ear. His grey eyes glittered kindly as shot a broad smile towards Hinata. Hinata was surprised that Tatsuo, who didn't look a day over nineteen, was actually a twenty-five year old, fresh out of the jounin exams.

The back right corner of the small bar was filled with laughing, almost drunk female ninjas who were talking about, at the moment, all their past and present relationships. Although the formidable bartender would never say it to their faces, he had to admit that the group of konoichi was the rowdiest group he'd ever had to cater to. As he did every Friday night, he simply shook his head and tuned them out.

Sakura leaned forward, managing to silence the group with a glance. Then, with much drama, she spoke.

"Did you guys see what I saw?" She asked, a smug grin splitting her face in two. Many females in the group responded with confused glances, and a few just simply said 'no'.

"Tatsuo-san just totally checked Hinata-chan out!" Sakura stated in an urgent whisper. Giggles erupted from everywhere, it seemed to Hinata. A blush conquered her face in short order, and her respiratory system kicked into overdrive. However, as soon as a few well placed nudges, encouraging remarks and knowing winks were administered, Hinata's predicament was forgotten.

Hinata was left feeling odd. Did she harbor any attraction to Tatsuo? She gazed over Ino's head to watch him place a few bottle of whiskey on the glass shelf running along the wall. No, she decided, she didn't. Then, who was she attracted to?

Naruto would be the obvious answer when she was twelve, up until she was maybe sixteen. Now that she was almost eighteen, however, her preferred relationship with Naruto consisted of a really good friendship. Slowly, Hinata slid away from the table as the next raucous explosion of laughter engulfed the table, creating the perfect escape.

Hinata slid her payment and tip to Tatsuo, putting a finger to her lips and gesturing shyly to the table. Tatsuo nodded and smiled amiably, returning to his work. Hinata thanked the heavens that he was such a nice guy.

Standing just outside the door, Hinata tried to unzip her coat. The zipper was stuck, and she decided to pull it over her head in an attempt to block out the autumn wind. A particularly strong gust pushed her stumbling blindly forward, and Hinata met a large, warm object. Pulling her hood down, she looked up, and froze.

Two lazily spinning commas on a crimson background looked down on her passively, regarding her shocked form. Neither of them moved for what seemed like hours to Hinata as she struggled to contain what she thought was an impending panic attack.

"G-gomennasai, Uchiha-Sama!" Hinata blurted as she turned and sprinted around a corner towards the Hyuuga compound. Itachi simply stared in that direction amusedly for a few moments, before moving to enter the bar After all, no one called him 'Uchiha-Sama' anymore.

DAY ONE: 21:30

Hinata stared in the mirror at her pale face as she clutched her heart, willing it to slow down. Oh boy was he scary! Hinata still couldn't believe Tsunade allowed him free reign of the village! But, Hinata assured herself that Tsunade had her reasons.

As she went to bed, all that floated in her mind were the images of his spinning sharingan. Little did she know about the surprise meeting she would attend when she awoke.

DAY ONE: 20:25

"We could so win over you losers!" Ino shouted as she faced down the opposite side of the Silver Moon tavern, which was now occupied by various male nin, including the men of the rookie nine, the sensei's, and Iruka.

The women were trying to defend their final frontier, the only bar that the men hadn't yet kicked them out of. Tatsuo sighed, knowing no good could come of a bar war, but knowing there was not a snowball's chance in hell at getting them to leave.

"Fine, let's experiment then, shall we?" Kakashi suggested, stepping forward. Ino stepped forward to meet him.

"You two come up with a challenge, and we'll see who wins and gets full rights to claim this bar." Tatsuo recommended, shrugging as he watched his other patrons shuffle out the front door. So much for them, anyway. At least they didn't have to worry about a bunch of drunken nin!

"Brilliant!" Tsunade slurred. Kakashi and Ino sat down at the table in the center of the bar, and the others went back to their respective sides.

"My life is about to get a lot more complicated, Tatsuo grumbled, starting the dish-sanitizer, drowning out the obnoxious conversations of the nin.

DAY TWO: 08:03

"Here's the challenge: Each of you must wear this board on you back." Kakashi began, holding up a board with backpack-like straps on the back and modeling it.

"And each of you gets one of these!" Ino added, holding up a laser-gun looking device that read 'Labeler' vertically on the handle.

"Whenever you see one another, you simply put a word of description on the board, and the negative and positive points will be tallied once all fifty spots on the boards are full." Kakashi instructed, indicating the little lines on the board, making fifty rectangles.

"Simply turn in your board when you've reached fifty, and when all of them return, we'll see who gets territory rights for the Silver Moon tavern!" Ino finished, both she and Kakashi looking rather proud of their idea. Tsunade smiled, nodding in approval. There were a few grumbles, but everyone accepted their boards.

DAY TWO: 11:32

"Hurry up." A slightly impatient Itachi ordered dully as he waited for Hinata to apply her label. Eyes wide, Hinata nodded even though Itachi was facing away from her. She scrambled frantically to maintain her composure as she chose which word she would place on his board.

Emo is overused, she noted, and so is depressing and big-fat-jerk, she sighed. Evil and hot were also taking up a few places. Hot. Wait…. Hinata looked at the back of Itachi's head, picturing his face. He did look rather attractive, she decided. Taking a dive, she inserted the letters she would need for her description of Itachi.

"You think I'm handsome?" Itachi deadpanned as Hinata began to walk back down the market's sidewalk in the opposite direction. Hinata became paralyzed, stopping midstep in embarrassment. Her head turned slowly, and the moment she caught sight of his smirk she lost all hold on her consciousness.

DAY TWO: 15:25

"Hello." Itachi said in his low voice, tapping Hinata on her purple-coated shoulder. Hinata turned and regarded him with an embarrassed blush, replying to his hello with a nod. Hinata felt him stick her twenty-third label on her back. Only when she went back from her job at the academy as a tutor did she count to his and read it. As she did, her heart rate went through the roof.

'Beautiful.'

DAY TWO: TIME UNKNOWN

Itachi noticed right away that no one ever put a derogatory label on the lavender-eyed girl's back, and pondered that for a moment. Perhaps…

Perhaps if he hung around her a little, and was very kind to her, like a suitor would be…

Itachi Uchiha decided that 'Team Men' would not loose because of him.

DAY THREE: 10:45

Hinata couldn't help but blush at the stares she and her, how would she put it? Tag-along were gathering as she made her daily walk through the market to buy some snacks for the students she tutored. Ever since the second night of the Label challenge, not a day had passed when the stoic older Uchiha left her side.

And worse yet, Hinata realized that she didn't mind having a tag-along, after all.