Once upon a time, in a land far away, there lived a princess. She was beautiful and beloved by all who knew her. Never once did she disobey her parents and married her true love at the age of sixteen right after meeting him for the first time. Quiet and demure, she lived out the rest of her days as the queen of another kingdom, married to the king and being mother to every child she bore him. And she lived happily ever after.

Nope. That's not right.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there lived a thief. He was the son of a minstrel and a writer, though not their child by blood. He was tired of his life on the road and longed for a life of comfort and stability. One night, he broke into the castle of the king and stole the princess's tiara, which he sold in another land. He bought a manor for himself and his adoptive parents and became a wealthy lord, living happily ever after.

Dude, that's not right either.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, there lived an alchemist. He was quite wise and good at his job, serving the king dutifully and without question. Never did a day go by when he tired of his search for the Elixir of Life to make his king immortal. And one day, he discovered the secret. He made the Elixir and gave it to his king, who ruled the kingdom forever after. The alchemist was remembered as a hero and lived happily ever after.

For fuck's—why the fuck are you writing this shit?! Are you trying to put the audience to sleep?! This is the modern age! Nobody wants a cut-and-dry story without twists and turns! Nobody wants a goody-two-shoes princess who never does anything wrong! Nobody wants a thief to just get what he wants! Nobody wants anybody to get the fucking Elixir of Life! Are you insane?!

Well, if you're such an expert, Kamije, why don't you take over?

Well, I have been writing stories for years. I'm sure I can make something the people will enjoy more than your antiquated bullshit.

Says the woman who's still a Disney fangirl at the age of eighteen.

Shut the fuck up.

You were literallywatching the season finale of Ducktales earlier while eating pizza and regretting your life choices.

Dude, I can do this.

Fine, if you think you can. Just know that nobody will enjoy it. You said it yourself: nobody wants a cut-and-dry story without twists and turns.

Oh, I've got twists and turns, sir. In case you forgot.

Good luck, sweetie. You're gonna need it.

I don't need luck. I make my own luck. With a luck machine.

Okay, now you're just quoting indie games.

Get out! I've got a quill in one hand and a parchment in the other, and if you don't leave, I'll shove my booted foot up your ass to kick you out myself.

Fine, fine. See you later. Enjoy catering to the mindless masses.

Fuck you.

Now that that's taken care of, let's get on with our story, shall we?

Our story does begin once upon a time, in a land far away. It begins in the land of Lilac, which was well known for its history and wealth. A beautiful land, ruled by Queen Candy in the stead of her late husband, King William. She was beloved by her people and all who knew her, and she expected her precious daughter, Princess Nicolette, to follow in her footsteps.

Too bad Nicolette—who preferred to be called 'Nikki'—didn't want to follow the rules…

"Your Highness, good morning!"

Nikki groaned as her maid, Lucy, opened the curtains. Lucy smiled at her mistress widely and curtsied politely.

"It's a big day, Your Highness! Everybody's waiting for you down in the dining room!"

"Let me sleep a few more minutes…" Nikki grumbled.

"Her Majesty sent me to get you. I-it's time for breakfast."

"Fine." Nikki got out of bed and saw Lucy holding a red dress.

"Here's your new dress—made from the finest silks of Flora."

"Great." Lucy helped her mistress put the damn thing on and didn't bother with the corset; after all, Princess Nicolette had inherited her mother's naturally slim-waisted frame and large… never mind.

"Here we go, Your Highness."

Nikki sighed and headed down the stairs. Servants and guards alike lined the corridor, all wishing her good morning.

"Morning, Your Highness!"

"Beautiful day, isn't it?"

"That dress looks amazing."

"You've grown up fast."

"Your mother is waiting for you."

"Have a good day."

Nikki entered the large dining room and sat down at the table, next to her mother, as usual. Queen Candy was busily going through some papers and signing where she needed to, all while eating her breakfast and drinking her morning wine.

"Mornin', Nicolette," she greeted her daughter, looking up and setting down her pen. "You look beautiful today."

"Thanks, Mom." Nikki began picking at her food. "Anything else noteworthy about today? Like… maybe the anniversary of one of your greatest accomplishments?" Candy gasped and put down her fork.

"Oh, God! I'm sorry, honey." Nikki's hopes rose. "That's right! Your weddin' is today! I can't believe I forgot! No wonder the servants have been so busy!"

"No, Mom, it's my birthday… too."

"Oh, happy birthday." Candy didn't sound nearly as enthusiastic. "But remember: Prince Edward will be here before you know it to marry you. Your maids will help you get ready, so hurry and finish eating. But not too much—you can't be chubby for the portrait!"

Nikki rolled her eyes and picked at her food some more before pushing her plate away.

"I'll see you at the wedding, I guess. Bye, Mom."

"Bye, sweetheart."

Nikki headed up to her room, where she looked at the wedding dress Lucy had set up and sighed. This was real. Her freedom was about to come to an end, just because she was the princess and her mother wanted an alliance.

Shit.

In Lilac, it wasn't just princesses who had shitty lives. Our next main player is a thief, named simply Max. Like the master said before, he was the son of a minstrel—named David—and a writer, named Gwen, though not their child by blood. Nobody in their little caravan was related by blood, save for the young daughter of the minstrel and writer, who was named Elizabeth. Well, besides those four, there were two other men and a platypus. Yes, a platypus. Her name was Muack (named by Lizzie a couple years earlier) and she was good at attracting attention—which worked well for Max when he wanted to pick pockets. Everybody was so distracted that they weren't keeping an eye on their wallets.

"Well, today's the day!" David announced to the caravan. "It's the royal wedding of the Princess of Lilac and the Prince of Woodland."

"Great," sighed Max, stabbing his dagger into the tree stump he was sitting on.

"Aw, c'mon, Max."

"Davey, please shut up," groaned Cameron Campbell, the leader of the caravan. "I have a hangover."

"What's a hangover?" Lizzie asked Gwen.

"It's something that happens when adults drink too much of the stuff I told you not to."

"We're going to entertain the guests as they arrive," David continued. "We all know our jobs, so let's get started!"

"Yay!" Lizzie attached herself to David's leg and he couldn't help but smile even more widely at the four-year-old.

Max sighed again, watching his adoptive father and his little sister go off. Gwen followed them—undoubtedly to detach Lizzie from David's leg. It was just Max, Campbell, and Jaspar.

"Do you know how much royalty is coming to this thing?" Campbell asked the three.

"Every family with more than a thousand coins to their name?" Max deadpanned.

"Exactly! And you're going to rob them!"

"Nah, I had my own idea."

"This isn't a good idea," Jaspar warned. "Davey doesn't like you stealing as much as you do."

"Well, his 'minstrel' business and Gwen's writing make us jack shit. I'm the one who's risking my neck so none of us go hungry."

"What's your idea?" Cameron inquired, pushing Jaspar aside.

"Here's what I'm thinking: I steal just one thing today, and that one thing will allow us to get out of here, once and for all, and start new lives as rich people."

"I like it. Simple, yet classy. What are you going to steal?"

"The princess's crown."

"B-but she'll be wearing it!" protested Jaspar.

"Duh. I steal it after the wedding, when she and her prince go to bed."

"This really isn't a good idea. You're good, Max, but nobody's that good."

"Watch me." Max pulled his dagger out of the stump and stood up. "Well, I'll see you guys tonight. I've got to stake out the church."

"Take the platypus," urged Campbell, picking up the creature by the tail.

"Nah, Lizzie will want her. Bye."

Max headed off towards town, slipping his dagger into its sheath as he went.

There's one more player in our story—an alchemist by the name of Neil. He was the son of the royal philosopher and considered a prodigy by all who knew him. Currently, he was busily experimenting with different mixtures, trying to create the elusive and legendary Elixir of Life. It would grant immortality to the drinker and bring Neil himself everlasting fame if he was successful. However, there was a slight hiccup with his work. And that hiccup was a childhood friend, a friend who would often invade his space to ask him questions and distract him from his never-ending (and, honestly, futile) quest.

And this friend was Princess Nicolette.

"Neil!"

He nearly dropped the vial of tonic he was holding as the door slammed into the wall.

"Nikki! Goddammit, I'm trying to work here!"

"I need a potion made," she stated, ignoring his objection.

"What… kind of potion?"

"Sleeping potion. Something to make me sleep until the end of the day. There's no way I can marry the Prince of Woodland, Edward Pikeman." She sat down on the stool by his workbench and crossed her arms.

"Nikki, I want to help you, but unfortunately, I'm the only alchemist in the kingdom who can make a potion like that. They'd immediately know who did it and I'd go to the dungeon for the rest of my life! I'm not risking my neck so you can avoid work!"

"Work?!"

"Yes! Being princess is your job, and it's unfortunate that your job requires you to marry a stranger, but there's no way around it. I'm sorry that you're not happy." Suddenly, something occurred to him. "Happy sixteenth, by the way."

"You know what's sad? You're the only person to wish me happy birthday without me reminding you that it's my birthday."

"Wow. Even your mom?"

"I tried to be subtle about it and tell her it was the anniversary of one of her greatest accomplishments, and she took that as me reminding her about the wedding."

"To be fair, this marriage was arranged ten years ago today. I'm sure it's been on her mind since then."

"I wish I could just leave…"

"And that would cause even more of a panic. You're kinda stuck."

"Well, time to go get ready. Are you coming to the wedding, at least?"

"I would, but I have a lot of work to do."

"You're not going to find the Elixir of Life. You might as well come see me sold off."

"All right. I'll get as much done as possible, then come to the wedding when I'm done."

Nikki took a deep breath as she sat in the bridal room in the church, waiting for her wedding ceremony to begin. Her heart was beating more quickly than usual from stress, anticipation, and anxiety. She just wanted to get this over with so that she could get on with the rest of her life. Maybe Prince Edward wouldn't be so bad as a husband. To try and calm her nerves, she peeked out the door to see her husband-to-be.

He had horrible pimples, with red hair and buck teeth. There was a sense of arrogance about him as he chuckled to his companions—a short man with an eyepatch and a taller man who was silent. Nikki shuddered in disgust as she retreated back into the room.

This isn't happening. This isn't happening. You're back in bed. Any minute now, Lucy will wake you up and Mom will wish you happy birthday.

"Nicolette?"

Nikki looked up to see Candy in the doorway, wearing a pale blue dress that went well with her pale green hair. She had an expression of joy.

"You should be smilin', darlin'. It's your weddin' day."

"I feel like I can't. I'm marrying a stranger and I'm only sixteen."

"Well, that's how I got your father, and look how I turned out."

"Oh." Nikki stared at her feet.

"Come on. Put on a smile and let's go out there. I'm givin' you away to your husband."

Nikki took Candy's hand and they walked out into the chapel as the music began. Everyone stood to view the bride, who was wearing her mother's wedding dress and looking just as beautiful. Her veil was over her face, so nobody could tell that she wanted to cry rather than smile. Edward smirked as she walked towards him, the ring in his palm and ready to go. Candy made a show of putting Nikki's hand into Edward's and he lifted the veil.

"You are quite lovely," he told her. She wanted to gag as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Thank you."

The old priest began to ramble about how they were there in the eyes of God, about to become man and wife as well as a prince and princess. Nikki could feel her heart pounding, still wanting to bolt.

And her opportunity came in the form of a drunken man wandering into the chapel.

"This the bar?" he slurred, a strange duck-beaver creature at his side. A guard came forward and tried to apprehend him, but to no avail.

That was when he started punching people.

Chaos broke out and her husband-to-be dashed to defend her. Nikki took the opening to make her way over to a window. She ripped her veil off her tiara and wrapped around her fist, cushioning it as she punched the glass and it shattered. The princess glanced downward. It wasn't too long a fall.

She jumped.

Max could hear the chaos in the chapel and smirked. Campbell was a master of attracting attention when he wanted to be. He probably feigned being drunk and started punching people. All there was to do now was wait for somebody to escort the princess out and snatch the tiara. Easy.

Above him, he heard the faint sound of glass breaking. He covered his head with his arms as the shards fell a few feet away. Looking up, he saw a girl in a wedding dress judging the distance to the ground. Evidently, she'd decided she could make it, because she swung her legs over the sill. Max scooted over a bit right before she fell and she landed in his arms.

"Wow, thanks!" she told him breathlessly.

The tiara!

Before he could stop her, she stood upright and dusted off her dress.

"Gotta go before they notice I'm gone. This might be my only chance out of this. Thanks again for catching me."

"Your Highness!" a guard yelled out the window.

"Too late. God, where do I go?" Max thought for a second, then grabbed her hand.

"Let's go, Princess," he told her. She ran after him and they ran past a skinny guy with curly brown hair.

"Hi, Neil! Wedding's off!" she called.

"Goddammit, Nikki! And who the fuck is that?!"

"Don't know!"

Max felt like laughing. This was gonna be too easy.

"There! He has the princess!"

"Shit," Max muttered. "Okay, Your Highness. Get ready."

"Ready for—oh, God!"

He lifted her over his shoulder and started running faster. The skinny guy (Neil, right?) was right beside him.

"Where are you taking her?" he panted.

"Out of town. Best place to go if you don't wanna be found."

"I'm faster than he is!" the princess protested.

"Not in the dress, Princess Nicolette."

"True. And don't call me Nicolette. Call me Nikki."

"Whatever, Your Highness."

She let out a growl as Max took a few detours in order to outmaneuver the guards that were still on their tails. He wasn't sure why Neil was following them, but he decided to let the guy stay. Within minutes, they reached the edge of town and where Jaspar was waiting with Lizzie.

"Max!" Jaspar gasped, leaping to his feet. "W-who are these people?"

"No time. Get some of Gwen's clothes and get this girl in the wagon."

Jaspar nodded and did as he was told.

"So, who the f—" Max put a finger to Neil's lips and shook his head.

"Language around Lizzie," he instructed. Lizzie climbed up on a stump and leapt onto Max's back.

"Max is back!" she announced, clinging to him like a possum to a tree. She was one-hundred-percent David's daughter—from the red hair to the light skin to the happy attitude. The only thing she appeared to have inherited from her mother was her violet eyes, which sparkled just like her father's.

"Yeah, I'm back," he laughed. "Were you good for Jaspar?"

"Yep!"

"She takes after you," Jaspar sighed, coming out of the wagon. "The girl is getting dressed. I figured I should give her some privacy."

"Who are you guys?" Neil inquired.

"We're a band of traveling performers, here for the royal wedding," Max replied. "I'm Max, and this is my sister, Lizzie. The blonde guy is Jaspar. What about you?"

"I'm Neil, the royal alchemist. Any reason you decided to bring Nikki here?"

"It's a good place to hide. Campbell would know—once he escapes the guards."

"What did you guys do?!" Jaspar groaned.

"Campbell made a distraction by crashing the wedding with Muack and pretending to be drunk. The princess smashed a window, jumped out of it, and landed in my arms. I helped her escape."

"You're bringing the guard down on our heads for that?!"

"Sure. Why not? It's not like they can ever track me."

"Okay, fair. You're good at avoiding capture."

"Oh my gosh!"

David came stumbling towards them, Gwen right behind him.

"You aren't going to believe this! The princess is missing! She broke a window and jumped into the street, where a mysterious man kidnapped her! Oh, the poor girl…"

"If you ask me, she dodged a sword there," Gwen commented. "Did you see that Prince Edward kid? He gave me a once-over and looked like he wanted me."

"I wish you'd told me," David sighed.

"Thanks for the clothes, whoever you are," Nikki laughed, coming out of the wagon. Her hair had been loosened from its updo and was freely bouncing around her shoulders, the tiara nowhere to be found. Gwen's clothes were a little loose on her, but that didn't matter.

"No problem," Max told her. "I'm Max, by the way."

"I'm Lizzie!" Lizzie piped up, dropping off of Max's back and hugging Nikki around the legs. "And you're really pretty!"

"Aw, thank you, Lizzie."

"P-Princess Nicolette?!" David gasped before Gwen narrowed her eyes at Max.

"Lizzie, grown-up words," she said in a low voice. Lizzie let go of Nikki and plugged her ears.

"Go ahead," Max sighed.

"Max, what the fuck were you thinking?! I know you're a fucking thief, but kidnapping?! You said that was too shitty for you! People are too valuable to steal, you said! Look what you've fucking done! You kidnapped the goddamn Princess of Lilac, on her fucking wedding day! Do you have any idea how much deep shit we're going to be in because of you, you asshole?!"

"You done?" Gwen took a deep breath.

"Yep."

"Then let me explain something to you. She jumped out a fucking window to avoid getting married. She was trying to get away. I helped her. You and David raised me to help people who needed it, and you're giving me shit about doing exactly what you raised me to do?! Nope. Sorry, but that's not how this works!"

"Okay, fair enough." She tapped Lizzie's arm. "Mommy and Max are done yelling now."

"Okay, Mommy." Lizzie unplugged her ears and smiled up at her mom.

"Ma'am, I'm grateful to Max for helping me," Nikki told Gwen. "I don't want to get married yet. I just turned sixteen today."

"Happy birthday!" David and Lizzie sang in unison. Nikki laughed again.

"Like I said, I just turned sixteen. I'm not ready to get married or be a mother or rule a kingdom."

"That's fair," Gwen conceded. "But still, asking a thief to help you?"

"I didn't ask. He just did it."

"Oh. I see." Gwen smirked at her adopted son. "Well, I'm Gwen, Max's adoptive mother and Lizzie's birth mother. The man with the red hair is my husband, David."

"It's nice to meet you all. I hope you won't mind if I stay with you guys to hide for a while, at least until my mother calms down."

"Not at all!" David chirped. "We'll add you to our group, if you want!"

"I'll stay to keep you out of trouble," Neil offered to the princess.

"Thanks, Neil."

"Let's get the hell out of here!" Campbell yelled, running out of the kingdom with the platypus.

And thus begins the adventures of the Princess, the Thief, and the Alchemist.