Through Closed Eyes
She wished she would dream about someone else behind closed eyes.
A girl who would love her back, who wouldn't leave her hanging by a thin thread above the ground -
A girl who would hold her hand and smile, who wouldn't be frustrated by the results of an unrequited love -
Anyone, anyone else but the girl she knew she had no chance with, even though her heart could never comprehend that.
It wasn't fun being broken.
Waking up every day, being met with the same reality long forgotten in her slumber: things were as per usual, and she wasn't anyone special.
Every time she dreamt of her, her with mysterious eyes and short hair, a piece of her shattered heart was stolen, never to be returned.
Rin raised her hand above her head, fingers outstretched to the ceiling. She met nothing but the cool morning air. She was trying to find the surface to pull her out of this daze.
It wasn't fair - and no, she wasn't talking about her unmet feelings. It wasn't fair because she knew, she was so well aware of her fate, it had been spelt out before her many times before.
But her dreams - they kept denying, and denying, and denying. She loves you, Gumi loves you, you're the most important in her world.
No, her mind would whisper, no I'm not.
Gumi didn't love her. She couldn't even say I love you in a platonic way - no, saying it will just lead you on, and I don't want that.
Rin couldn't say - she could hardly think - how much that tore her. Of course, she understood, she always understood - but still, was her love really that tainted, that unwanted, that terrifying?
She was in the list of 'don't say I love you, because maybe she'll get the wrong idea and think she has a chance'.
Supposedly.
(But she knew enough, she knew, she knew so much it hurt -)
She didn't want to have these feelings, these tainted feelings; they only got in the way of everything, blurred her vision, broke her heart even more than it should be. She wished so desperately she could say that.
She wished she could speak up for herself, to say her thoughts, but it was always a topic to avoid, always a topic never to be touched on.
So instead she'd spend every day, taunted by her dreams and let down by her heart, hoping one day she'd wake up empty and not full of hope, not full of love, full of nothing at all.
Rin didn't want to see her smiling face in her dreams. She didn't want to hold her hand, she didn't want to go on cute dates, she didn't want to feel that connection. If only her unconscious mind could understand that - how much she desperately wanted out -
After all, if no one - not even Gumi - wanted these feelings, why would she ever want them at all?
hello I'm back again, for the same reason as before.
Actually I wrote this like, a week ago, but then I forgot about it, and I felt like it was just really stupid, because anything I write or say (or feel) is stupid - anyway I just wrote the whole thing while at the train station/on the train to places I had to be.
"stop posting one-sided fanfics" people beg as I shove it down their throats. "no" i say.
I'll get around to writing less Sad things, maybe, on my break, but rn I'm just default sad because finals are happening. I have like a week until I'm free :,,,,)