Disclaimer: Can't own; clown'll eat me.

Spoilers: Caged, specifically, but only if you don't know the set-up – McGee trapped in a women's prison! Aaah! You should have stopped reading! Really, I don't think it's terribly important that you've seen the ep to understand the fic, although I suppose there may be spoilers if you haven't seen any of season 4.

Summary: McNovelization of McGee's experience in Caged, starring Agent Tommy and Officer Lisa, featuring commentaries by the equally fictitious stars. No, not MST3K style.

Agent Tommy DiNunzio did his best to look submissive while maintaining his virile masculine façade. By his judgment, he was twice, maybe four times the man any one of the guards chained to the barred windows alongside him was. If these angry women decided they wanted to work out a compromise, he wanted to make sure he was the one they decided they should deal with. Then whatever happened in the privacy of an interrogation room…happened. Some of the women were a little rough around the edges, sure, but that just meant…

"What the hell are you leering at, pig?"

He straightened up as an Indian woman with an inexplicably Spanish surname approached him threateningly. "You're Martinez, right?"

She brandished a piece of broken glass in his face. "So?"

"Well, you kinda strike me as the one who seems like she's in charge, that's all."

Before he could really turn on the charm, another prisoner interrupted, "She ain't in charge, mister big-shot federal agent."

Martinez turned her weapon on the other woman. "And why shouldn't I be, Valetta? The fed thinks I'm good enough."

"Yeah, which is reason enough that you shouldn't be!"

Agent Tommy licked his lips as the two women got nose to nose. He lost track of their argument in his concentration – were they moving closer? If they kissed it would almost make up for the knee he'd taken to the groin during the scuffle that had ensued before he realized it would just be easier if he let himself enjoy being handcuffed. He had already decided that he was going to be receptive the next time Officer Lisa suggested handcuffing him, so…next Wednesday, probably.

The point of the glass shard poking into the back of his hand pulled him out of his unnecessary fantasy. Why was he even thinking about Officer Lisa when he was trapped in a room with a group of sex-starved female prisoners, anyway? She probably wouldn't even bother with the handcuffs if he acted like he liked it, so he'd have to pretend he was suffering or something when she…

"Hey! Are you listening to me?"

He turned his attention back to Martinez. "What? Yeah. I mean…what?"

"I said that you can pick which of your fingers we're sending out to prove we're serious."

He swallowed the lump in his throat. "Ladies, there's gotta be an easier way."

"What do you suggest?"

"Well…" His first suggestion didn't make it out of his mouth – fortunately – because it was cut off by the ringing cell phone in his pocket. The groping that followed was a little rough for his taste.

Martinez took the phone to the other side of the room and had a long conversation, parts of which Tommy was able to hear when she shouted them to her fellow inmates. By the time she returned to scowl at him, he already knew that McGregor had made the call, probably because Tibbs was too angry that he, Tommy, had gotten himself into this situation, and that all the hostages but himself and the unharmed guards were going to be released in exchange for NCIS's assistance in sorting out the riot.

He smiled after she finished reiterating these details. "So…you gonna unchain me?"

He doubled over as best he could while still handcuffed to the bars when she gave him his second knee to the groin of the day.

McGee watched as Ziva set the typewritten pages down on her desk and looked across the bullpen at Tony before turning her attention to him. After a moment's consideration, he decided her stare demanded action and jumped out of his seat, announcing, "I'm going to the bathroom."

"Congratulations," Tony answered, not looking up from his tedious work at his keyboard. As McGee gave Ziva a few unnecessary exaggerated nods, Tony asked, "Waiting for your hall pass?"

"Um, no. I was just thinking that I might get a coffee afterwards."

Ziva raised an eyebrow to his continued winking and nodding, but eventually said, "Perhaps I will walk down to the coffee shop with you. I could use some fresh air." She didn't get up or put her coat on. "After you return from the bathroom, yes?"

"Oh. Right."

When he'd taken the bathroom break he didn't need, he returned to the squad room to find Tony and Ziva arguing. "What's the point? We have a coffee-probie and there's plenty of air in here."

"I just want a few minutes away from my computer, alright? Would you like a coffee or not?"

"Yeah, get me a cappuccino with a double shot. I don't have any small bills, so I'll, uh, well…you know I'm good for it."

"Fine," she huffed.

McGee cringed as he followed her into the elevator. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing that she wanted to talk to him privately about the passages she'd just read from his new novel, but was it too much to ask that she be in a good mood when the conversation occurred? When she failed to say anything by the time they'd exited the building, he began noncommittally, "So…"

"It was fine. I understand that you did not want to relive your own experience so you put Tony in your place."

"Tommy. Tommy is in McGregor's place. I mean, not McGregor's because this is a novel and McGregor has never had the experience of being locked in the visitor's center of a women's prison during a riot and…"

"I did not question your motivations for creating the scenario, McGee. I do have one question, though. Why did Tony keep getting kicked in the groin? I mean, I sympathize because he can be very frustrating at times, but that did seem a bit harsh."

"Tommy, not Tony," McGee muttered, knowing it was a losing battle. "I just thought it was a good way to keep him from getting too excited about the whole women's prison thing."

He waited for her to say something regarding Tommy's thoughts about Lisa, but, as they waited for their order at the coffee shop, she said only, "I would suggest that you not let Tony read this section. I think it may be a situation where the truth hits house a little too closely. He will take out that embarrassment on you."

"Home."

She seemed to grow taller as she crossed her arms and said, "You cannot order me to go home just because you do not approve of my opinion, McGee. I am not leaving until Gibbs approves, not after last time."

"No, I would never…" he trailed off, remembering the soul-crushing glares they'd all gotten on that occasion. "I mean the expression is 'close to home'."

"Oh." She set the three cups in a tray, refusing to give it to him when he offered to carry it. He shrugged and contented himself with opening doors.

Officer Lisa Moses did her best to silence her cough in her fist. Why did no one clean these air ducts? Was it not a health concern? Even if the government did not care about the health of the prisoners, it could provide some clean air for the prison workers to breathe. She coughed quietly again and continued her slow trek through the ventilation system.

Tibbs was going to kill her when he found out what she had done, that was a certainty, but she couldn't stand around doing nothing. Her partner was in serious trouble and it was her job, no, her duty to act. After a combination of intimidation and pleading had gotten McGregor to reluctantly agree to buy her ten minutes by distracting Tibbs, she had pried the grating off a vent with her fingers and slipped away. It was unlikely that a solution would be reached before she was able to implement her own highly effective one.

Maneuvering using the map she had glanced at in the warden's office and her own finely-honed instincts, she took a final turn and heard, to her great relief, Tommy's voice. "So…you gonna unchain me?" She arrived at a grating that opened into the visitor's center just in time to see a prisoner cause him a considerable amount of pain. You are first, Lisa thought, carefully positioning herself to drop through the grate with her weapons drawn.

The confusion created when she appeared in the room gave her enough time to take out three of the inmates before the others realized anything was wrong. At least four more were incapacitated when they rushed her. She emptied the clip of her weapon into the wall a few moments later, just before she was overwhelmed by the remaining prisoners. They would still be able to stab her, but she refused to be shot by her own weapon.

Tommy smirked as she was handcuffed beside him. "So this is what happens when I'm not there to back you up, huh?"

"You are here. You merely stood here and did nothing," she spat back, willing herself not to blush.

"You didn't lead any of them close enough for me to kick." She shivered as his lips came close to her ear. "What's the next part of the plan?"

"This was my plan."

"Getting handcuffed? C'mon, what's Tibbs have in mind?"

"He did not exactly give me permission to do this." She glanced over her shoulder at the inmates who were still conscious, now trying to shout each other down as each tried to assert herself as the leader. "I will attempt to free us both and we will try to…"

"Sssh. You hear something?"

Lisa tried to hide behind her partner as Tibbs and McGregor burst into the room, leading a team that quickly retook the visitor's center.

McGee retreated into the corner behind the stairs, making sure he was out of view of the bullpen as Tony approached him with a small sheaf of papers. "I got a question for you, McTwain."

"Keep your voice down."

"But Gibbs is…right. Everywhere." Tony lowered his voice to a whisper. "Are you gonna let Ziva read this?"

"I…" Considering he had promised Ziva that he wouldn't let Tony read it…although he hadn't given Tony the same part he'd let her read. He nodded. "Okay. Why not?"

"Well, it's just that she might get a little embarrassed about the whole thing. I know she didn't go all ninja on the ventilation system to rescue you, so she might feel bad when she finds out you think she would have done it for me, that's all."

"How many times do I have to explain to you that they're characters? Officer Lisa is rescuing Agent Tommy. That's what the characters are doing."

Tony grinned. "Yeah, sure. Why's Ziva busting into the riot without Gibbs' permission anyway? I can't see her doing it like that unless she had some backup or it was part of some more elaborate plan."

"It isn't…" Rather than presenting his futile disclaimer again, McGee rolled his eyes and said, "It's important later in the plot that Tibbs is angry and doesn't trust Lisa. There's a setup where…"

"Yeah, maybe you shouldn't let Ziva read any of this thing, although you are starting to make it sound a lot more fictional. So, anyway, when are you gonna have the parts where the prisoners seduce me into letting them go in exchange for…"

"No. When did you even have time to read this part?"

"Bathroom."

McGee grimaced at the papers Tony was now trying to hand him. "Did you at least wash your hands?"

"Of course! Who am I, Steve from Personnel?"

"Um…I actually have copies, so you can hang onto those."

"Aw, don't get all Jardine on me, Probie." Tony waved the pages in McGee's face. "Ooooh, the nasty germs are going to get you. Ooga booga!"

"I do not want to know what I am interrupting," Ziva suddenly said, causing McGee to jump, "but Gibbs has left, if either of you are interested."

"Fantastic!" Tony gave McGee's head a last brush with the unclean papers before making a beeline for his desk.

Ziva pulled McGee aside before he could follow. "Did you give Tony part of your book to read?"

"Yes. But not the part you told me not to."

He was about to crumble under her scrutiny and admit it was a part she hadn't seen when she nodded and walked back toward the bullpen. Tony chucked his long-empty coffee cup across the aisle into her trashcan, narrowly missing her. "Tony…"

"Hey, I owe you dinner."

She gave him a confused look. "You actually owe me a coffee."

"How about we split the difference – cocktail and bar nachos."

"Why?"

"I can't do something nice for my partner?"

"Okay. McGee, are you coming?"

He shook his head. "I'm going to go home and work on my new novel, I think."

He received grateful looks from both, although it didn't appear that either was aware of the other's.