A/N: God this took me forever to finish! I've been wanting to write this for quite a while, a story with a more "animalestic" Dr. Reid. I hope you guys enjoy this, and I'm sorry that some parts got too long... I get overly excited with dialogues sometimes :P Just remember, besides my books and my laptop, I own nothing, specially Criminal Minds and its characters.
He was standing up in the middle of his living room. He had just gotten home from work and, as he mechanically opened the door, his mind was in a state of denial, trying to shield itself from the pain that he knew was inevitable. The door was still opened. The carpet had a trail of wet stains coming from the front door to where he was now, his bag thrown aimlessly on the couch and his clothes drenched after walking under the pouring rain outside.
Everyday was the same thing. After reaching his own apartment, he would open the door; turn on the lights; close the door; put his bag on the hanger by the side of the door; take off his shoes; check if the door was really locked; and finally, go to the kitchen to make himself a hot cup of coffee. Everyday in which he wasn't travelling and solving cases, his daily routine was the same. Always.
Boring. The first time that this thought came into his mind, he was shocked. Though he never let himself think about it, as the time passed by he noticed that his personal life was, indeed, boring. He never had the time for such silly thought. His career was already too messy and unpredictable, he needed some solid ground to come home to. He needed to feel like he had some sort of control over his life.
Spencer was happy with that. He was satisfied with both the craziness and the boringness on his life. That was until she entered through those glass doors, with those beautiful eyes, that shiny hair and that smile. Every time he saw her smile he felt his whole body just stop, while he stared at her face brightening up with beams of light and magical dust from some sort of Goddess. After a few weeks he started to make his daily goal to make her smile. Not to anyone, but to him only. He noticed the first hints of addiction coming on to him every time she entered the room and he rambled through his brain looking for a joke, an anecdote, a prank or a teasing opportunity. Anything to make her happy and forget, at least for a while, the despair and hopelessness that came with the job.
He hated how much influence she started to gain on him. He couldn't hear the word "Ashley" without his mind forgetting any task it was focused on and his eyes scanning the room for the gorgeous blond on his team. It came a time in which he started to lay around day dreaming about her. Spencer Reid, day dreaming! But Oh-God was it worth it. He got her talking about her family, her father, the difficulties on accepting what her father had done, her FBI training and her likes and dislikes. And he talked about his childhood, his mother, her disease, his episode with Thobias Hankel and his experience in the FBI. He stopped craving her smiles and started to wish only for her presence. That was enough to make every single wrong in the world turn right.
After Ashley Seaver came into his life, Spencer's personal routine was left in an old version of him. Now he wanted her to turn his world upside down.
Spencer finally could call her a friend. Which was fine for a couple of days, until he noticed he wanted more. He wanted to feel her lips on his; to touch the skin under her clothes; to make her whisper his name in a way no one else ever could. He was willing to move heaven and Earth to make her see him as more than a friend.
But those damn phone calls started. Her presence in the BAU started to diminish. She wasn't going to most of their cases. Whenever he tried talking to her she seemed only half there with him while her other half was somewhere else. Spencer never felt the pain of jealousy as strong as he did then.
It didn't last much though. After a couple of months, she gather all the team on the conference room and spent an hour and a half explaining why she was being so secretive lately: she was being promoted. Not only a title's promotion with a small increase of income. It has a life-changing promotion, the one which you couldn't do much but pray every day for all existing gods if you were striving for it. He didn't say a word.
After those excruciating minutes passed, he stayed at the conference room, trying to understand what had just happened. He didn't notice that Ashley stayed there as well, as the team went to do their jobs.
"You were really quiet during the meeting. I was expecting you to join everyone's cheers", she didn't seemed hurt, but curious.
"I was cheering internally".
"Okay, so you were celebrating with yourself instead of joining your friends?".
"You know me... celebrations aren't my type and...".
"Spence".
"What?".
"It's me, talk".
He couldn't help a sigh coming out of his lips. "Well, although I can fully understand how big this is for you, I can't help but feel like I'm loosing a friend". He left part of his brain do the talking, while the other was focused on keeping him calm.
"C'mon Spence, you know we're best friends. We won't stop talking to each other just because I'm moving to another city".
"To another city. To a better job. With new colleagues, who will probably be more interesting than us since they have access to bigger guns and upper-level governmental secrets".
Ashley raised an eyebrow, "Dr. Reid, is that jealousy I'm hearing?".
He made a fake outraged sound, "May I remind you, Agent Seaver, that my qualifications don't allow me to tumble for such petty feelings".
She laughed. He felt a string of his heart stretching to the sound of her laugh. "Spencer I doubt anyone else will be more interesting than you, no mater how many gadgets they may carry around. Besides," she touched his arm "who would understand me the way that you do?".
Spencer looked down a bit, trying to hide his blush. "Yeah, I think it is a little difficult to find people with troubled pasts like us huh?".
"That too. But I meant that you are the only one I know who can see through me. You don't see the poor girl who had to deal with her father being a serial killer. You don't see the rookie profiler with serious trust issues... you can see me as the person I am now, the person I've become".
"You are the easiest and the most complicated person to understand I've ever had the pleasure of meeting". And after a second thought, he said "I will miss you".
"Not as much as I will".
She smiled at him. They talked for a while, and then he went home. For the first time in months, he did his old routine when entering his apartment.
And the day came. The day of her departure. Four days had passed since she announced her promotion to the team. Not enough time. Spencer wasn't sure how much time he would need to be used to the idea, but we knew that four days weren't enough. It didn't help the fact that every time he came home, after opening the door, turning on the lights, closing the door, putting his bag on the hanger, taking off his shoes, checking if the door was really locked and then going to the kitchen to make himself a hot cup of coffee; after all that, the word "boring" kept flashing behind his eyes. His old life wasn't appealing anymore.
To match his emotional state, the sky was helplessly falling down. It started raining that morning, and it hadn't stopped since. It's like a cheesy movie.
He couldn't let her go. That was clear as water to him. He needed to go after her, whatever it took... yet he couldn't move. Every little bit of his soul was screaming for him to run after her before it was too late, but he still couldn't move. There was a lock on the back of his mind that he ignored for quite a while. Lock which was now acting like a paralyzing poison, keeping him from taking his feet out of the drenched carpet.
Spencer knew for a long time that he was very close to being completely friend zoned by Ashley, with no chances of going back. But he was never able to make a move, taking a chance and ask her out or kiss her senseless in the elevator; he wasn't even confident enough to risk a simple plan such as putting a mysterious rose on top of her desk every day. What if she rejects me? Being only a friend was better than being nothing, even though seeing her with someone else would slowly break every fiber of his heart.
And now there he was, still scared out of his mind that she would laugh at him... that damn melodic laugh of hers. He was internally battling with himself for almost half an hour, like Frodo about to throw away the Ring, when he realized: I'll lose her no mater what. Even if he stayed there, feeling sorry for himself instead of doing something... he would still be that guy she'd call every two weeks to tell about her new life, her new job, her new colleagues, and probably about some douchy pumped up guy she was bond to fall in love with. No... I can't live like that. After months of hiding out behind the safe boundaries of friendship, Spencer Reid finally decided that he wasn't going to survive never knowing what could have been. Once again the engines in his heart gave a small turn, and the "I'll love you from afar" scenario wasn't good enough anymore, now he wanted her all to himself. No, he didn't want her... he needed her.
When that finally struck him, he ran out of the door like a maniac.
"Ashley!", he was screaming as loud as his tired lungs allowed him. After an excruciating slow cab ride from his apartment to the airport, he threw some dollars at the drivers face and run as fast as he could towards her boarding gate. He was just on time for her flight but, knowing how airline companies worked, he was afraid he would be too late to see her off.
"Reid?!". Spencer knew that voice way too much after passing most of his nights reliving every talk they've ever had. He turned around, with a deep mixture of surprised, anxious and happy feelings.
"Ashley! Thank God I caught up to you", she was one of the last passengers to check in.
"What's wrong? I just saw you two hours ago at the 'see-you-soon' party you guys threw for me. Miss me that much already?", the sound of her voice was gleaming with a teasing tone. God she's beautiful.
"Don't go". His face and his voice were dead serious.
"Wh... What?". His sudden presence allied to those particular words were a little to much for her to follow.
"Don't go to DC"
"Spencer... I... I don't... why?"
"Because I want you to stay here"
She finally gathered some of her thoughts, "Reid, we talked about this. I'll call you every day, we'll skype each other on weekends, and I'll come visit all of you every two months. I'll miss you every second of the day but, eventually, we'll get used to the distance"
"No, Ashley, I won't. I will never get used with you living in another city, to not see you around the BAU anymore and... You can't do this, you can't walk away from my life after you entered it and turned it upside down. You can't show me what I've been missing the past 30 years and then expect me to go back to my old life."
She tried to stop him, "Spencer wait, this is not..."
"Let me finish! Since I met you I've been trying to understand why was that every time you entered the room I felt like a thousand needles were touching my skin; why was that every time you looked at me I felt like there were fireworks inside my stomach. I kept trying to ignore the fact that no matter where I was or what I was doing or who I was with, you were always on my mind. There were moments in which I couldn't breathe properly thinking if you were okay and whether you needed me or not. After a while I thought that it would all be solved if we were just friends, but that wasn't enough. It's never enough when it comes to you. So I'm here right now because I finally realized that I can't keep this up, this ever lasting anguish of being apart from you. Ashley, if you get in that plane... I won't be able to be your friend anymore. If you go to DC I'll have to spend the rest of my life trying to forget every single feature of your face... and that will take a long time. So I'll ask you again, please, don't go".
Ashley was lost. Actually, lost wasn't a strong enough word to describe it. She was torn apart, baffled, troubled, amused, uneasy, confused... how could she put what she was feeling into words. "Why now?", and anger started to take over her. "You had months to tell me what you were feeling. And you waited until I was minutes from hopping on a plane to get a promotion I could never begin to imagine I would ever get?!".
"I know I'm being selfish but..."
"Selfish?! Spencer you ran past this line and now you are being completely unreasonable, for lack of a better word"
Both agents were getting a lot of attention from the rest of the people inside the airport. But none of them seemed to notice.
"Ashley I'm sorry, I know this promotion means a lot to you and..."
"Yes! It does! I was accepted to the BAU as soon as I finished my training, and that was something that rookies can only dream on accomplishing. Then those guys offered me this promotion. I never felt so happy in my entire life, and I hoped all my friends would be excited about it as much as I was. Yet here you are trying to be a white knight in a shiny armour. You know what I think?"
"... what?"
"You're jealous"
"What?!"
"Yes! You are jealous. And this little charade is your lame attempt of making me stay in the BAU and lose the best thing that has ever happened to me", she lowered her voice a little.
Spencer stared deep into her eyes, "Do you really believe that?"
They stayed quiet for a while until Ashley finally break the silent, "No, I don't. I'm sorry... but Spencer, you can't expect me to do a decision between you and my job right now! After you've thrown all this on me"
He looked down to his feet, "Do you feel anything for me that's more than just friendship?"
"I don't know", tears were starting to escape her eyes. "But I don't want to lose you"
He gave her a weak smile as he gently stroke his thumbs on her cheeks, pushing away the tears. "It's okay". And then he hugged her, pressing her firmly against him. They hugged for a couple of seconds before a man started calling Ashley to board. A soft whisper escaped his lips, "I love you". He kissed her forehead and turned around, walking to the exit. Each step felt like a knife being buried deep into his heart, but Spencer didn't look back, cause he knew that if he did he would lose all his strength and end up jumping in front of that heartless plane.
A week passed by. He hadn't been to work since, as he could barely get out of bed anymore. He just hoped that the excuses he had been using for not going to the BAU would no falter for at least two more months. By then he hoped to be able to shower and get dressed without crumbling to the wish of going back to bed.
It was almost 9 a.m. when his doorbell rang. It took more than 15 minutes of constant buzzing to make Spencer finally get out of bed. He was wearing some sweatpants and an old t-shirt. He had no idea were his glasses were, and his beard was almost four days overdue.
Opening the door, in front of him there was no other but Ashley Seaver. The shock of seeing her there after a whole week of coping with her absence made him stay still, staring at her, with his mouth and eyes wide open.
"Hey Spencer"
He couldn't find words to use at that moment. His mind was practically shutting down.
"Ah... can I come in?"
"Yes"
They went to his living room which, opposite from normal, was a complete mess. Spencer stood on the same spot he was a week ago before running to the airport. In front of him, Ashley looked amazing as always; but looking a little closer, he noticed some things that worried him, like the dark circles under her eyes, which were partially covered by make-up, and her thumb nails, which she had obviously been biting. Her body was tense, like she was waiting for an attack or something.
"Ash... are you okay?"
She smiled slightly for a second, and then she started to laugh... loudly. With all the little signs he noticed before hadn't worried him, that certainly had.
"Ashley what's wrong?", he gave a step forward, putting behind all the hurt and resentment he was feeling a while ago.
"No, nothing", she was trying to control her laughter with not much success. "It's just... after all we went through a week ago, you're still worried about me". She finally looked at him, and he saw that despite her latter outburst, her eyes showed sorrow and despair.
"Of course I am. One week isn't enough to... well... Ashley", he noticed he was saying her name way too often. Control yourself Spencer. His voice got serious, "what are you doing here?"
Her finally put her purse on the couch, crossed her arms and looked down at her feet again. "I didn't go".
Aaaand he was shocked yet again. He lost his cool twice in less then 30 minutes. That was like a superpower of hers. "Wait... what?"
"After you left, I couldn't make myself board on that plane". She looked at him, tears threatening to slip through her eyelids. And it seems that making her cry has been my own superpower lately. "Spencer, do you have any idea, how long I've waited for you to say to me those words?".
"But, at the airport you... you didn't".
"Stop! It's your time to listen now. At the airport you told me that for a while you tried to ignore your feelings, right?"
"Yeah, I guess"
"Spencer...", she was pleading.
"Sorry"
"You told me that, for a while, you thought being friends with me would be enough. Well, I never did. Since the first time I saw you I noticed that there was something about you that made my entire body numb and hyper at the same time. I couldn't be beside you without losing myself in your scent, your laugh... everything. Most of my concerns were about being out of excuses for not staying in the same room as you. I knew, from way back then, that I could never be just friends with you Spencer. And I kept telling myself that, one day, I would have the courage to tell you how happy you made me every time you talked to me, or even looked at me. But then those people called me and asked if I wanted a position to work with them, and the first thing on my mind wasn't the job, but my chance to see if you felt just an inch of what I feel for you. That day, on the conference room, I was begging for any signs that you considered me more than a friend, but I saw only what I knew I would find... you said 'I'll miss you', you didn't try to stop me from making that decision. And that was enough for me to decide that nothing would ever happen between us"
"That was not what I wanted to say! I couldn't act out and tell you not to go, you looked so happy with that promotion that... back then I couldn't make myself be the guy who forced his friend to drop everything just for his own selfish reasons. Ashley that day you broke my heart in ways you can't imagine, but I wanted to make what was right for you"
"I know! I know that now. But those four days after were so... confusing and disturbing and, I don't even know how to describe it. There were times in which I was temped to came here and tell you everything but I felt so rejected before, and I didn't want it to happen again. My last hope was that the distance between us made you feel a little different towards me"
"Then why didn't you tell me anything at the airport? And why did you wait a whole week to talk to me again?!"
"Because I was scared. I spent months thinking you considered me only as a friend, and knowing you felt the same as I do was amazing. For a second I almost kissed you right at that moment. But then all the frustration and rejection I felt the past month came onto me. I got so angry with you, Spencer! Why didn't you tell me you loved me sooner? Yes I know it's my fault as well, but... I wanted you to suffer what I did. So..."
Spencer put is hands on her shoulders. That was the first contact they had since last week, and it felt different, more intense maybe.
"Ashley, look at me". She did, and their faces were inches apart. "What did you want to tell me when you came here?"
"That I didn't go"
"And why didn't you go"
"Because I can't stay away from you"
"And why is that?", he knew he was practically torturing her, but I needed to hear those words coming out of her mouth.
"Because, I love you Spencer"
He smiled at her, the first one in days. "Good, because I love you too, agent Seaver".
She tried to keep herself from smiling, but was she failed at that miserably, she gave her a soft punch on the chest. "Why are you so difficult sometimes?"
"Don't act like you don't love it"
Ashley looked into his eyes, thinking back on all the hurt they had to go through to get where they were, "Yes, I do"
He finally put his arms around her and pulled her to him, "Sorry but I can't wait any longer". He closed the distance between them, and kissed her with all his might.
Ok, that was long... I guess. Hope you guys liked it and please leave your comments and suggestions so I can improve myself and my stories ^^