This is my first fanfiction. I started this a long time ago but never published it. I'm not a native speaker so forgive any grammar or spelling mistakes. Leave me a review. Thank
Olivia Benson was pacing back and forth in her apartment in Manhattan clutching the mini-badge in her hand. „Semper Fi" were the only words that kept rotating in her head. His words. After weeks of hearing not a word from him he had sent her his badge. Always faithful. That's what they meant. Semper Fi. Elliot Stabler. Her partner. Her best friend. The one person whom she trusted completely. The one person of whom she thought would never leave her. Until he did.
Of course he had to show up in her life right after she started to adjust to the fact that he wasn't there anymore. It took her many sleepless nights and an ocean of tears to wrap her mind around the fact that he really left the squad after he had to shoot a teenage girl. It was not like she couldn't understand his decision, she definitely could. He crossed a line, he took the life of a child. What she didn't understand though was that he didn't talk to her. If the situation was reversed, Elliot would have been the first person she'd go to. After 12 years of partnership only he could understand what it meant to work with victims every day and having to take such drastic meassures.
Why was he sending this message now? Did he want to talk her? It's been almost 6 months since he left. Why now? A million questions were rushing around in Olivia's head. And all the feelings came rushing back. Feelings of which she had never spoken to anyone. They were friends for 12 years, best friends, partners. He was her family. She could tell him everything and he knew everything about her. She trusted him with her life. He knew her secrets and fears, her dreams and hopes. He knew everything. Everything except one thing. She loved him, always had. But she was certain that he saw her as a friend and nothing more. After all he was married and had four children. So she kept those feelings hidden, resisted the urge to rest her head on his strong shoulder during a long steak-out or pull him close after particularly tough cases. She once asked him who else would put up with her except him and she meant that. Olivia was sure she could never trust another person like she trusted Elliot. Around him, she could be herself, she didn't have to hide all her quirks. And now with his badge in her hand all those suppressed feelings bubbled to the surface as tears ran down
Her doorbell rang and she quickly dried her tear-stained face expecting the pizza delivery guy. When she opened the door she was stunned into silence and the world around her stopped. Outside in her hallway stood Elliot. He looked at her with the blue eyes she so often got lost in during a conversation. She froze, couldn't do or say anything, she just stared at him. "El..." she finally breathed after what felt like an eternity and fresh tears stared to pour from her eyes. Before she could say more he pulled her into his arms roughly and held her ever so tight. As soon as their bodies collided there was no holding back for Olivia and she started sobbing uncontrollably into his chest. "Oh Liv, why are you crying? I'm here now. Shh…"
After a few minutes the chaos in her head cleared and anger bubbled to the surface. She pushed him away and he stumbled backwards. "Liv, what…" "How could you do this to me?", she yelled, "how could you just leave me without a single word of explanation? Did you know how I felt when you were gone?" Fresh tears poured from her eyes as she thought about the time without him.
"Liv … I'm so sorry. Believe me. I wanted to talk to you. Do you know how many times I picked up the phone to call you?", he said. "Then why didn't you?" she asked, taking a step towards him. "At first I wanted to block everyone and everything out. I just wanted to forget what happened. And I was ashamed. I was scared that you wouldn't understand why I did what I did. I shot a kid, Liv! For God's sake she was just a teenager! And I killed her!" he stared towards the ground before continuing "I was scared that you would never look at me the same way and I couldn't bare that. "Liv I …"
She took his hand and led him to her couch before getting two bears from her fridge. She sat next to him and put her hand on his knee. "Tell me about the last six months. Tell me what you've been through." He looked her in the eyes and lost himself in them for a little while. Then he grabbed her hand and began: "Well at first I just wanted to forget what happened, Liv. I drank. A lot. I stayed out all night in bars or was just wandering around the streets. I couldn't go home because I couldn't stand the dark and quiet in my bedroom. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat. I became aggressive and depressed. After a while I started running every morning which helped me. The fresh air cleared my head, it made me see things a different way and I finally accepted that I needed help." He paused to look at her and what he saw reflecting back at him from her eyes was not the disgust or hate he expected. It was understanding and … He couldn't quite figure out what he saw in her eyes but there was something he never noticed before. Olivia looked at him and all she could feel was love. She loved him. She loved him so much. With everything she had. Those feelings weren't gone or weaker at all. They were still there if not stronger. She nodded towards him to make him talk again.
"I went to see a therapist twice a week. He helped me accept what I did and not to hate myself for it. We also talked about my family and it became very obvious that I wasn't happy with my marriage anymore. I haven't been for a long time, I guess I was just staying with Kathy for the kids. I love her, I always will, she's the mother of my kids but I'm not in love with her anymore. We got to talk and it turned out Kathy felt the same way. We agreed on a divorce. We parted as friends." Olivia's mouth fell open. "You ….. divorced Kathy… what?" was all she could get out. How often had she imagined him telling her that he wasn't with Kathy anymore. But she never believed it would actually happen.
"Yes. It wasn't right anymore." he went on. "And also during my therapy I realized that I'm … I'm in love with someone else. I have been for a very long time." He looked at her, tried to make her understand what he was saying. Olivia didn't want to show that her heart shattered into a million little pieces. The thought of him with someone else made her sick. She was used to him and Kathy and their marriage which wasn't much of a "young and in love" type of relationship. But imagining Elliot with someone new killed her. She tried to react as calmly as possible "You're in love …uhm, with whom? Do I know her?" He smiled. "Yes you know her, Liv. Actually you know her very well. She's the most wonderful person I've ever met. And she's beautiful, God Liv, she's so beautiful. I get lost in her chocolate brown eyes every time I look at her. She's kind and caring and I can talk to her for hours. She loves my kids like her own and she knows me like nobody else does. She accepts me for who I am and I can trust her with my life…" He paused and lifted his hand to cup her cheek, his thumb brushed lightly over her soft skin. "And she has been my best friend for the last twelve years."
Her heart was racing, her mind was spinning as the realization sunk in. He was talking about her. "El…" she breathed and before he could say anything else, she crashed her lips into his. The kiss wasn't gentle. It was urgent and hungry and full of emotions built up over the past twelve years. He wrapped her in his arms and they were lost in the kiss. A kiss they both had longed for for so long. When they finally parted Olivia's cheeks were wet with tears. Elliot took her face in his hand and brushed the tears away with his thumbs. They locked eyes and he said "I love you, Liv. I am in love with you. So much."
She kissed him again, soft this time, before she said "I love you, too El.", "You do?" he replied. "Of course I do. How could I not? It's always been you Elliot." He smiled at her and took her hand once again. "You have to promise me something, El… if we are really going to do this. Us, I mean. Then you have to be in for it 100 percent. I can't bear to lose you again. You have to promise me that you will never leave me like this again. Ever." "Never, Liv. I promise. I never want to live without you ever again. Those six months were the worst of my life. You're stuck with me now, Baby. For good."
"Semper Fi", she whispered. He smiled. "Exactly. Always faithful. Always."