Jo laid still in bed concentrating on making her breathing even and keeping her eyes closed. She worked complex math problems in her mind willing herself to stay awake. She was waiting for Alex to fall into a deep sleep. Maybe if he was sleeping soundly enough she wouldn't waken him when the nightmares came. They always came.
They had moved on. They were back on solid footing in their relationship. Everything was out in the open. No more secrets. There had been fights, yelling and screaming, hurt feelings and tears, but they were on the other side now. They stayed and they struggled and they fought and held on to what they had. What they both knew deep down was there and was strong and was worth fighting for.
So why now? Why now that they were back together, Alex had moved back home, and they were finally happy again, finally back on track? Why did the nightmares come now? It didn't make sense. She could understand if she had had them months ago when she was reliving everything, but not now. Not now when everything was good again.
They were always the same, the dreams. He found her and she ended up bloodied and beaten, or Alex ended up bloodied and beaten... or Alex beat him up. She could see it all so vividly. What she never remembered from the dreams was what led up to that moment. The moment when he found her. She never remembered that part of the dream... until tonight.
Jo sighed and shut off her mind when she finally heard Alex snoring softly beside her. Maybe tonight she could have a peaceful nights sleep. Maybe the nightmares wouldn't come.
That had been her last thought before waking up gasping for breath, sweaty, with heart racing. She sat upright in bed and turned her head staring into the dark kitchen area fighting to draw herself back into reality.
Alex sat up beside her and slowly, cautiously so as not to spook her pulled her into his arms. He smoothed his hand down her hair soothingly, "Another nightmare?" he asked stating the obvious in his gravelly sleep filled voice.
"Yeah," she nodded leaning back against his chest starting to calm down, "I'm sorry I woke you.. again."
"Don't be," he shushed her, "You don't have to go through this alone. I'm right here." It killed him that everything had happened the way it did and brought her past back up to haunt her. He knew how hard it was to leave the past behind and to have to face it when it all came crashing back in. He didn't ever want her to have to feel that.
He didn't know the nightmares hadn't started until he moved back in. She hadn't told him; she didn't want to hurt him, and she didn't understand it herself. But now she remembered the whole dream. She saw it all tonight, and it made sense to her, and he needed to know. She had to tell him.
"Alex," she said quietly reaching for her water on the table beside the bed, "can I tell you about my dream?"
"Yeah, of course," he scooted up in bed and leaned against the wall.
She took a deep breath and turned to face him sitting cross legged in front of him. She reached out taking his hand in hers and squeezing it. "They didn't start until you moved back in. Surprisingly with everything that was going on before... anyway I slept okay then. No nightmares." He cringed and looked away unable to meet her gaze feeling like he had broken her. She held on to his hand tighter when he tried to pull away, "No what I mean is... ugh.. I'm not saying this right," she paused to collect her thoughts. "I wanna marry you, Alex." His head snapped back to look at her, his eyes wide. He opened his mouth to say something, but she stopped him. "I didn't tell you I wasn't having nightmares before, because I didn't know why I was having them now. I knew it wasn't because of you... or I thought it wasn't. But tonight I saw it all, and it all makes sense. The contributing factor to," she took a shaky breath and shuddered, "him finding me in my dreams was that I filed for a divorce. I filed for a divorce because I want to marry you." She met his eyes tears threatening to spill out of hers. "I thought us together, building a future, maybe having a couple of kids would be enough for me, but now that we are here and we've been through so much to get back here, I see that what I really truly want is to be married to you. I want to be your wife... But I am so scared..." her voice trailed off.
"Jo," Alex said his voice cracking, "I don't... I don't know what to say. That means.. you know that's all I've ever wanted." He leaned forward taking her other hand in his and squeezing them both his eyes boring into hers, "We've been through hell together and we are here on the other side together and strong again. We can get through anything. We will find a way to make it happen. You deserve to be free of him. Not for me, but for yourself. You deserve to live your life your way, free from your past. You'll get your divorce, and I promise you, it will not end up the way your nightmares have. We'll figure it out together." He let go of her hand and brushed a stray tear off her cheek with his thumb.
They shared a tender kiss and when they pulled back he rested his forehead against hers, "I love you, Jo."
"I love you too, Alex," she sighed content in his arms once again.