So this is really it. The final breath before the plunge. Once we take out the Illusive Man's base, the fleets are immediately mobilizing for their attack on Earth. Everything we're doing is a long shot, but we have no choice. It's fight or die, and I sure as hell don't plan on rolling over so the Reapers can harvest us. I'm trying to take some small amount of comfort in the fact that numbers-wise it looks like there's nothing more I can do…but it's not working. There has to be something I missed, something that will make this knot in my stomach go away. I toss another datapad behind me, pulling the one with Hackett's latest fleet numbers.

"Heh…can't sleep, either?"

My head shoots up at the familiar voice, eyes all too happy to focus on Kaidan instead of reports. He's got two glasses and a bottle of that whiskey; of all the times to drink…ah, it's so him. I shake my head and sit back with a sigh. "No. I can't."

He kneels next to my desk chair and sets the booze down on the desk. The way his arm sneaks around my shoulders gives me a small shiver. "Listen, making yourself crazy with this won't help." Kaidan lifts the last datapad from my grasp and sets it to the side, rubbing my shoulder. He always knows just what to say, but…

I clear my throat and reach for the report again. "Kaidan, I need to–"

"–Shhh." Strong fingers slowly trail their way up my arm and begin to knead away at the stress in my neck. God, I forgot how good he was at that. "Just take five minutes; a quick drink, and then I'll go."

How can I say no to that? I'd say or agree to almost anything to keep him from stopping. Eventually I find the will to shake my head before slumping against him. "Fine…" I let him twist my chair around, concerned brown eyes immediately catching mine.

"Hey, you know you've done everything that you could, right?"

He means well. Kaidan always means well, but I just don't know if I can believe him. Something feels wrong about it all; similar to what I felt before Virmire. Usually my gut instinct is invaluable, but on nights like tonight…well, I could do without it. I force myself to take a breath and look away, back to the pile of datapads. Ash wouldn't want me breaking down the night before it all went down. I can just imagine her now: Chin up and go kiss the LT, Skipper. No one takes down a badass Alliance woman. "I hope so. I keep running the numbers to see if I've missed something."

A tiny bit of guilt wracks me as frustration leaks into Kaidan's voice. He hates it when I try to shut him out. "You don't have to take this all on yourself. Look to your crew, to the talented people fighting by your side." He gets quiet and for once, I allow him to gently twist my face back to face him. "Look to me. I'm here for you. Always will be."

It may not be exactly the same, but his assurances throw me back to before we hijacked the first Normandy. I'm here for you, but we're in a rough spot, and the last thing I want to do is complicate things. My fingers find their way to his temple, brushing against the few grey hairs he swears aren't actually there. I'm not amused, but I laugh quietly anyway. Every time something looks hopeless, he tells me that I can do it and then I do. So much for being an independent badass. "Seems like you've told me it'll be alright a lot over the years, Kaidan. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. One person can only take so much on their own before they need to share it with someone. I've been trying to get you to realize that for weeks." The pride in his smile gives me some real energy. "What you've accomplished since the Reapers have arrived is nothing short of amazing. You've done so well with what the galaxy gave you. It's…it's gonna be…" Brown eyes look away, a torn expression twisting his face.

Everything will be fine, Shepard. You'll figure it out. Please, Kaidan. Just say it. I need to hear those words right now. He can lie to me, I don't really care. He was lying to me then, too. I begged him to. Given all the shit that's happened in the past few months, I'm not particularly above it again. My hand drifts to cup his cheek, trying to restrain myself. "Please?"

A few long moments later, he rests his head in my hand. "It's…gonna be what it is."

I promised myself I wouldn't cry, especially when he came up here tonight. Regardless of whether we win or lose the fight tomorrow, things will still be different. I want to remember our last night together as a good memory, not recalling a whole bunch of bellyaching. But the moment he stops and realizes he can't lie to me about our chances, my heart drops.

"Come on."

I'm nearly numb at this point, letting Kaidan lead me over to sit on the couch. Numbers run through my mind again, trying to calculate if my suggestion to divide the turian and Alliance fighters was a truly wise one. Just as I begin to question if arming the quarian live ships was smart, Kaidan pulls me against him. A warm whisper breaks my concentration as hands gently massage my back. "I love you. The important thing is that we stick together."

Sudden realization dawns: he's scared I'm not going to take him with me. I'd laugh if it wasn't so absurd. The two of us work so fluidly together on the battlefield; even if we weren't…together, I'd still insist on Kaidan watching my flank. It's just natural. I wrap my arms around him, nestling my face in the crook of his neck. "Kaidan, I'm not leaving you behind." I can actually feel his muscles relax a bit when I reassure him. Silly man. I tighten my embrace after crawling to curl up on his lap. "But you better watch your back out there."

"Aye aye, ma'am." Lips press against my neck, warm goosebumps rippling down my back. A soft chuckle can't help but escape from my throat; maybe this is what I need. To just forget everything for one last night and enjoy my love's company. If there's one thing the two of us had gotten really good at, it was privately relieving stress before a dangerous mission.

I drift fingers up and down the arm he has around my waist, thoughtful. There have been times I want to run away from it all and find a spot to hide out. Obviously the time for that has long past, but for tonight… Tonight, all I want to do is disappear. I quickly pull back and glance in Kaidan's direction, a similar longing reflected in his eyes. My lips quirk into a smile. "So, Major. How's this kind of distraction is supposed to help us win the war?"

"Distraction? I'm not a distraction." He grins and drags his hands down my sides. "I'm here to help you relax. Relaxing will help you…focus."

Oh, lord. His voice just got deeper. I barely let him get the last word out before my lips are on his, hands gliding up to grab a fistful of his shirt. Everything else flees my mind the second his fingers lace through my hair: Reapers, Illusive Man, Earth, all of it. The words Kaidan had used years ago to utterly decimate my defenses float to the top of my memory.

But you and I…we are important right now. This is what will never happen again – us.

We've had a hell of a time of it, with me dying and coming back to life, then him almost dying, and me almost dying again on Despoina. Despite it all, we somehow managed to stay together. On some nights during my pursuit of the Collectors, the only thing that kept me from giving up and hiding out in some remote colony world was the thought that if I didn't stop them, no one would. If they were given free rein to do as they pleased, eventually they'd get Kaidan. Estranged or not, no one was turning him into a husk. Call me protective.

A soft groan slips from his throat, followed by a deep chuckle. He pulls away and watches me silently. I shiver as his eyes and fingers both trace my face. It's an oddly intimate moment, our eyes locked. The small smile he cracks after running a finger along my jaw is nearly my undoing, until the faint sadness begins to shine through. It hits me that he's memorizing my face.

In case I don't come back again.

"Kaidan, don't loo–" Two fingers quietly press against my lips, silencing me. I want to make a defiant gesture but it's just not coming to me; instead I push back, kissing his fingers.

Brown eyes slowly close, opening only after he firmly plants his hands on the sides of my face. "I know." The easy vulnerability shining in his gaze takes my breath away. "I just…every once in a while, it'll hit me again that you're really here. Not just a figment of my imagination…actually alive and here with me."

I can't even imagine trying to spend two years thinking Kaidan was dead, only to find him alive again. How he kept sane is beyond me. Having people look to me as some sort of savior or hero always bothers me, because I'm just doing my job, like any real soldier would; but Kaidan is the one exception. As his thumbs gently stroke my cheek, expression far more reverent than I normally would tolerate, I realize he deserves it. I smile and run my fingers through his hair.

"I promised myself I wouldn't make any kind of big speech or talk too much, but I can't help it. I am by far the luckiest man alive, Lia. I've always loved you; through these years, throughout everything, and you found your way back to me… I love you so much."

This is one of those few times that smiling during a happy moment makes no sense; it's too serious. If only I were half as good at expressing myself as he is. I pause and try to collect my thoughts, scattered as they are after that. Few people have been able to sweep me off my feet, and none of them have ever been as successful as Kaidan. Everything I could possible say in reply sounds so stupid in my head. A few moments of fighting with myself, I finally whisper the only thing that isn't corny. "I love you, too." Ah, the hell with it. I softly blurt out the rest of it, too. "More than anything. Kaidan, I…I couldn't have done this without you. Thank you." Before he can respond, I lean forward to press my lips against his.

He gives me a good natured grin when we part, shaking his head slightly. "Yes, you could have. That's one of the things I love about you: you never give up." Just as I begin to argue the point, he pushes my legs around so that I'm straddling him and stands up, hefting me along with him.

"What are you…?" I don't giggle often, but occasionally he'll do something so ridiculous that it just bubbles up and out of me. His immediate response to the sound is to bury his face in the folds of my hoodie. I laugh and nudge him away. "Come on, Kaidan. We need to get some sleep."

His low, growled response completely destroys my self control. "Not yet." My breath flees in a whoosh of shocked air as I feel his lips seek out the small bit of neck I have exposed. Fingers automatically latch onto the back of his shirt and begin to tug it off as he kneels to slide me onto the bed.

The last time we were in this predicament – the final night before taking the plunge into what will most likely be oblivion – I spent the entire time thinking this could be it. I wanted everything to be as beautiful and perfect and memorable as possible. As Kaidan catches my eye and laces his fingers through mine, I realize that what he said earlier is exactly right: it's gonna be what it is.

And right now, I wouldn't want it any other way.

A/N: I return! As I said before, will definitely be more sporadic, and I apologize if that upsets anyone. D: I have a few works churning in the background, and I'll definitely be adding the second part of this on as a chapter. I may have changed a bit of this dialogue/scene, but let's just say that I'm completely re-writing the second half of the romance scene completely (after she wakes up). Rare for me, but I have about a billion things I feel need to be done.