CHAPTER 1 – THE BIG PARTY IN TOWN

The good things about parties - the more alcohol, the best -, is that everybody is so interested in having a good time, that people like me can come and go unnoticed. I eat, I drink, and I'm even able to sleepover, sometimes. To say that you can live your life like it was a party never has been more right.

But the best things about parties is the fact that everybody is so interested in having a good time that people like me can come and go unnoticed. I am invisible. And, more important, they are invisible to me. Between the latest gossip, the make-outs and the occasional free shots of alcohol, I have no needs to satisfy. And as long as I'm satisfied, things are far more calm and safe. No dangers.

Plus, there's always some party going on, if you know how to search for it. Just avoid weirdo bars, too crowded places – unless, of course, if you're sure you're in a calm time, then it's ok -, and you'll be fine. Whenever you look for fun, the socially accepted kind of fun, you find it. And so, all the "complications" that the other fun can bring, especially if you still a little clumsy, like me, are just not coming.

In fact, in the last fifteen years, I just had to, how to put it, work things out only in a count-on-a-hand times. It's not easy, still, but it's not harder than… Well, never mind. All you have to know is that now I am pretty much "controlled", as they say. Or just lucky as hell, as I say.

You know, from what I heard, is easier from those who was born in the last 20 years. With all the technologic boom going on, people can just plug in some control pad, a 3D glasses and feels like is really shootingsomeone else's head. It's kind of lame, actually, but hey, I'm not really complaining, here. And I definitively would change a few things in the "like the real thing" thing.

Ok, you might be thinking, why a girl would be so keen about stupid 3D shooting video game, right? Well, you have to know that I am definitively not just another average girl.

But, this can wait. I have a party to go, a big one. According to my friend Santana, this gonna be the biggest party in town.

Santana is waiting for me inside of her car - a second handed '58 Plymouth Christine-alike red and white painted she won from her father-, and judging by her face, she's impatient.

- Where the hell have you been, Fabray? I've been waiting for you for almost half an hour – She did a small wave with her left hand – Never mind. Look, I know you're really busy with whatever you spend your entire time doing, but we have a party to go, remember?

- I know, San, I was just…

- We didn't hang out together since, I don't know, ages? You should be more excited about it. – She opened the passenger door and was smiling for me with her "Imma kill you in your sleep, sweety" smile. - Won't you get inside the damn car?

I just stood there, staring blankly at her, not afraid at all, but slowly get in the car, letting her usual 'kindness' sink in.

-Don't misunderstand me, Santana, of course I'm excited with the party – I say as I put the seat belt.

- But…? – She looks at me with a raised eyebrow.

- But… - I sigh. – You know how I am about too crowded parties, right? I really don't like to walk in a place totally unwarned about what I'll find.

- Why do you have to be like this? – Santana turns in her seat, to look better at me. I bet that if the signal lasted longer, she would turn off the car just to analyze me better.

- What do you mean?

- Why do you have to be so, I don't know, overprotective? Whenever someone try to be friends with you, you just put you HBIC façade and act out as a straight up bitch.

- It's green, let's go. – I point the signal. And then I point to her – Look who is talking… Isn't that how you describe yourself?

- Q, we're friends, ok? I know you since forever. I don't hear you talking with anyone about you, your life, and... And even knowing you since forever, we never talked about what happened to you.

- And I'm not going to talk about it tonight. – I say firmly.

- Please, Q, you don't need to be so closed. The whole baby gate phase was bad enough, but something happened in the last few days, because you've been really weirdo. It's because of Puck? Maybe that guy you were seeing? You can talk to me.

- San, I don't wanna talk about it – My voice raise an octave - And we're going to a party, we shouldn't be talking about this!

- I'm just trying to be a good friend!

- And what makes you think that was a guy who did whatever you think that happened? – Suddenly I'm angered, ready to fight, to kill or be kille- - Breathe, Fabray. Just. Breathe.

- Oh. – I get confused with the sudden softness in her voice– Oh, I should have fig… Look. Fine. I'm sorry. I know how hard it can be, dealing with it, I've been there. But I'm here if you need to talk, ok?

She looks at me and sends me a little smile, and I'm just too confused to do more than a nod. She seems satisfied, with that, because then she focuses again in the avenue we're on.

- I can't say I'm too surprised, though. You always were hanging out with those hot guys, but you never seemed too interested. And what with the whole Berry obsession…

- Wait. Stop it right there. – I'm really confused - What? What you're talking about?

- C'mon, Fabray, cut out the acting. I always knew you were up to some sweet lady kisses, too.

It takes me some seconds to understand what she's talking about. Next thing I know is that I'm laughing loudly.

- Okay… - she looks triggered – Is this relief for finally coming out for me and not getting crap on about it, or did you just lost your mind?

- Neither of them – I try to stop laughing, as I look at her "what the hell" face – Look, you can stop editing you're gay pride's speech, now, ok? It wasn't a girl who did it to me, anyway. I'm not into girls. Just –I sigh again-, look, no one did it to me. I was born this way. I just think most of the time that I'm better off on my own, okay?

- That's what I was trying to say, you see? This is wrong in so many ways… - she whispered, facing the road.

I look out of the window, trying to suppress my slight annoyance with all this emotional talk. It's been easier to be around Santana now that she's out of the closet – the big amount of time spent with Brittany has made San softer -, but is in these moments, when she's trying to "make the world a better place, full of people without issues'', that I really miss the old Santana Lopez. It's easier think of a comeback than fake sentiments you have no idea what it's like to have.

I see the PLACA with the name of the street of the party's house. We arrived. I don't look at Santana again until she parks and leaves the car. When I leave, she just looks at me with a sad face, but doesn't say anything.

As we walk to the front door, I can take a good look at the house –no, forget about it, this is a mansion, a huge mansion. My bedroom would fit a millions times here. There's must be more than 500 people here, hardly counting, and it's just those who are on the yard. Judging by the noise, it must have another 500 inside the building. And that's what I call a noise: Santana and I could hear the music three blocks away.

- Holy crap, I told you it was going to be BIG!

I look at Santana, practically jumping with excitement beside me, and I really try my best to seem excited too, for her sake. But from the moment I got out of the car, I've been struggling with my old companion. Damn, Fabray. Why tonight? I knew I shouldn't have come.

- Oh, no, you have that look. Are you okay, Quinn? – Santana's looking at me with concern. – It seems you're about to puke or something.

How I wish it was just that. No, it was something more. Something bigger. Dangerous. It was just my hunger talking. And instinctively, my eyes started to hunt.

About 3 meters away from where we stand, a guy was happily talking with other people, but I could see the nervous way he was looking at a blond girl in another group, and how she would look back every now and then, almost like she was feeling his staring, smiling sweetly every time. Almost too far so I couldn't see, two guys are side hugging each other, and I can almost feel the warmth of the gazes they gave each other. The same warmth I sense from a brunette trying to avoid eye contact with a redhead she is listening to.

Those little scenes repeat themselves with small differences all over the place, and once I realize that this is just from the yard, I know I have to make up some excuse to get the hell out of here.

- You know, after all these years, I become a good facial reader of yours. I still suck at some things, once you're all covered up, but the bigger part of it, I totally get it. Do you really have to go, Quinn? You really can't stay?

And as soon as she throw at me her best "puppy dog sad eyes" look, I know I have no chance to drop this thing. She had a point before; it's been a month or more that we don't have a girl's night out. And this party is really a blast.

- It's gonna kill you to stay, right?

- But I'm going to, anyway, because that's what bff do. – I say resigned.

She beams then, and turns to the crowd.

- Now that's what I'm talking about, Fabray!

- Yeah, yeah, we totally should. – I say absently to some drunken guy that's talking to me, as I leave him behind. My head started to deeply throb again, and I need 1) to get away from a couple standing close to me and 2) a cold beer.

It's been like this all night long, always going from one room to another to the backyard then the front door and then from the beginning. Luckily, once the drunks ones started to increase, the love started to fade. Blame it on the alcohol.

After the first half hour, Santana and I lost each other, but I'm pretty sure she will find me if she wants to, so I'm not worried, but it's so much easier when I'm actually interested in a conversation, to begin with. How come in a 1000 people's party I end up talking with all the lame ones? It's against the odds.

While I am in another zombie walk through the party, I hear a girl's laugh that I immediately recognize as Santana's, so I just follow the sound. I shouldn't have.

I just put my feet inside it, but I can't stand another second in this room. Santana is laughing at something her brother, Eric, told her and the redhead standing close to them. The girl smack his arm in an affective way, and Eric put his right arm around her shoulders, kissing her head; they all smiling dearly.

All of those displays of feelings, all those looks, all of that, it's feeding my curse in a very dangerous way. Those two, even across the room, make me sense the old warning in my chest, that burning thing screaming for satisfaction. The redhead and Santana's brother are now just stealing glances and furtive smiles, talking with someone else, but still, it doesn't make any difference to me.

I have to do that. I gotta do something, anything, need's killing me, I can't stand it. So, before I do something really wrong, I just turn around and run away.

I don't stop running until I'm at Santana's front door, and just then I stop to think about it. I don't have her key, I don't have my key, so I'm stuck in the outside. Or, I would say, the world is stuck with me. Me and my burning chest, begging me to return to the party and just…

I shove my nails in my hands, trying to change the subject of my thoughts, but once I don't have anything to distract me, is pointless to try. I sing, and start to run some more, but give up once I notice I'm heading back to the party without realizing I'm doing it.

It's far beyond 4 o'clock when Santana's car arrives, and thankfully, she's alone.

-Hey, Quinn, are you okay! I looked for you everywhere in that party, you know, after you just seemed to be running from the devil or something, but once I didn't found you anywhere I figured you should have go home, so I went to that thing you call a house, but you obviously wasn't, so I gave up and decided to come home, but I still looked for you in the neighborhood, so that's why it took me so long to be here and-

I stop her half-drunk speech putting my arms heavily around her shoulders and bringing her to a hug. I only notice I'm crying when I hear her words of "it's okay" and "you'll be fine", but I can't bring myself to stop it until she sits me in her comfortable sofa and puts a glass of wine in my hand. I swallow the cold drink as I never had drunk anything in my life before.

Santana look at me considering her options. I can almost hear her brain working. She finally decides something as I finish my glass under a few sobs, and she just pushes me for another hug. Without saying anything, she takes the glass of my hand, lead me to the bedroom I call "mine" and makes me lay down on the small bed.

- Just sleep. We'll have more than enough time tomorrow.

I close my eyes, silently thanking her before immersing in a dreamless sleep.