Thank Goodness For Small Favors
"I hate Monday's. I am not getting up. The world can back down for one day." I thought to myself as the shrill alarm next to my head went off. The obnoxious beeping mixed with the alternative rock music started the migraine that was sure to follow me though out the day. I ripped the plug viscously from the wall and threw it in the opposite direction. It hit my broken closet door creating a loud crashing noise that woke my parents. I heard them grumbling in their room about me having no respect for other people sleeping or some bullshit like that. I cringed hoping I didn't get grounded again. "God damn it"
Ignoring fact that I'm supposed to wake up my sister, I stomped into the bathroom I share with her slamming the door as loud as I can for good measure. Turning the knobs to start the shower, I turn it on to the hottest setting. I removed my clothing which I had failed to take off last night prior to passing out eagle spread across my to small twin sized bed. I looked over at myself in the large oval mirror that hangs over our sink. Dark circles appeared around my eyes over the past couple of nights, showing off my pale, porcelain skin. I stepped in, sliding the annoyingly bright curtain back in place. Breathing in deeply I focused on the shower. The boiling water immediately makes me sleepy again and I nearly dose of.Hating myself for what I was going to do I switched the knobs around and was instantly hit with a jet of frigid cold water. Shocked, I slipped hitting my head the metal bar that holds my wash cloth I feel to the bottom of the tub cursing to myself. "God Damn It!"
Kick me once shame on you. Kick me twice shame on me. Kick me a third time and I'll kick you back so hard you won't get up. I thought as I listened to my mother moan and complain about the way I have been acting lately. I stare at her blankly and twitch for a moment. "Mother! God damn, can you please let me get dressed?" I asked yelling. She looks at me and blinks stupidly. When she realizes water is dripping on her precious Persian rug she shrieks. She shoos me off to my room checking the damage that's been caused.
Deciding not to get off line until three in the morning had been a horrible mistake on my part. Setting my alarm for 5:30 was beyond idiotic I was not a morning person and anyone who knows me, knows that. Recently I haven't been a morning, afternoon or night person at all. I hate to stay awake with thoughts of him running through my mind every second of every free minute I had. Scenarios race through my mind constantly "If I had done this" or "if I had figured that out before now" are really the only thing I concentrate on lately. My grades, which used to be straight A-s and Bs, turned to Cs and every so often a D. My parents aren't worried because they didn't know. My friends were not in any of my classes so they don't notice either. Thank goodness for small favors.
It is a problem that I can't help. Staying online until I'm dead tired so I pass out is the only way to get to sleep. Every time I shut my eyes images of him float in. Invading my dreams and haunting my nightmares. All I ever see is his face, my goodness his face, that adorable face! A face that I can't kiss anymore. I think for another moment, sinking to my floor I forget that I am clad only in a towel.
FLASHBACK
March 24, 2006
Sitting in his room, he turns his TV off. "So did you like the movie?" He asks, expecting me to say no. "Yeah." I smile. "I loved how you know all the words to the songs" I stick my tongue out at him and I laugh. He looks at me when I look away. I can feel his gaze staring at me so I look back. "What?" I ask truly curious willing to pay 25 whole cents for his thoughts. "I.. just.. I love you." He says to me. He looks away blushing. I stare at him until he looks at me again. "Really?" I ask amazed at the butterflies that are flying around in my stomach."Yeah." he grins still red from before. "I love you too." I say. He leans down to kiss me. His scruffy face gently scratches mine and I giggle like a four year old. He chuckles and kisses me again.
END FLASH BACK
I sigh lightly reminiscing. I stare at the wall and look at my clock. I jump to my feet and almost drop my towel. I stop for a moment and wonder why I grabbed so desperately to cover myself up. There's no one in my room. I laugh at my stupidity and then snap again. I run to my closet and start throwing random clothing out. Finally dressed in my usual black hooded sweatshirt and jeans I flew down the stairs bringing my almost empty backpack with me. Only now I realize that if I don't get my shoes on in a minute and a half I would miss the bus. I run back up the stairs as fast as I can and grab the only pair of slip on shoes I own. I take the stairs two at a time and run out the door and trip over a garden gnome. I see the bus about to leave so I run bare foot on the concrete just waiting to see how my feet look when I get on the bus. Barely catching it I stt down in my usual seat and pull on my shoes. When I sit up I hit my head on the bar beneath the seat in front of me. I curse out loud tears forming in my eyes.. "GOD DAMN IT!" The bus driver, a bitter old divorced hag of a woman, gives me a glare that clearly said to shut my mouth before I got kicked off the bus. "Goddamn it!"
SCHOOL
I close my eyes a moment before walking into the school. I have neither or my 'must haves' with me today. There was nothing to hide behind or anything to protect me. "Time to be brave." I tell myself reassuringly. As usual it doesn't work though. My black makeup which I had left in my room next to my purse I use for an operation which I like to call my "No Tears Solution." If I have two tons of heavy eyeliner and mascara on I will not cry. My IPod protected me form all the mean insults I am sure to hear is under my pillow where I left it last night.
I walk into the cafeteria looking for one of my friends. I hear a loud, high pitched screech which was inaudibly supposed to be my name and braced myself before being thrown across the room. "Hello Kaitlyn!" I shrieked back as a girl, my best friend, being equally emo as myself, ran and glomped me into the wall. I laugh at her as she almost trips and I twist my wrist band back into place.
"One of these day's you are going to knock me out and put me into a coma!" I said giving my friend a laugh that said I was kidding. Kaitlyn plays along with the joke and puts on a serious face. "If I did that then I would be sad." She says decidedly adding," And in jail!" In a burst of laughter we fell over, off the chair we had settled into only a moment ago. All of our friends began to talk about their weekends and the latest news. I wasn't really listening as usual. I laugh when everyone else did and nod when it seems appropriate. Kaitlyn says something and the whole table suddenly stopped talking. They all looked at me. Being a day dreamer sucked sometimes.
"What?" I asked looking at all my friends faces. They all knew something I didn't. And I hated it "What? Teeellll me." I whined staring them down. I gave them my special eye glare that said "Don't forget, I know where you live."
Finally my friend Becky cracks under the pressure… or guilt. "Well…. There is a rumor going around that your friend 'Katie' (she points across the cafeteria to another group of my friends that I don't hang out with in the morning) is going over, His house today." Her voice lowered to a whisper as she finished her confession, not saying the name that is never spoken.
My heart rate stopped for a moment and had I been in a coma (like I wish I were at this point) I'd be dead. Unfortunately for me I wasn't. I let the news slip into my brain and wrap around my heart. They all looked at me expectantly.
Kaitlyn's POV
We were all waiting for the outburst that was sure to come. Silently we all held out breath but not really as we kept on looking at out heart broken friend.
"And that means what to me?" She asked giving us a smile that only I could tell was not real. Everyone else content with her short answer continued the conversation. She laughed with the rest of out clique but her eyes showed something that could only be described as agony.
After five minutes she excused herself making up a lie on the spot. "That time of the month." She laughs lightly sticking her tongue out at me. I knew she was lying and she knew that I knew that she was lying. We always get it at the same time.
"Want me to come with you." I asked but not really asking. I looked her in the eyes daring her to object. I raise my an eyebrow questioning her silently. "You know I can't … use the bathroom with other people in there." She laughs again giving me a harder than necessary shove that said "If follow me I'll really put you into a coma." Ending the conversation, she grabs her backpack and leaves in a hidden hurry.
"Oh, um…Right. Never mind then." I said to my friend though she was all ready gone. I sat down following her footsteps with my eyes. Left foot was first. She never walks left foot first. There is definitely something wrong. I knew that she was going to the bathroom but not the one we normally use. She was going to the one in the nurse's office for privacy. I hid tears that were burning behind my eyes not letting a single one slip by. I look across the room. Katie smirks in satisfaction while Matthew looks at me. I see his eyes turn to disappointment at what he knows is also about to happen.
END POV
I falsify a cough and pained face as I walk into the nurses office. "It's that time of the month. heavy sigh I don't feel well. May I use the bathroom please and lie down for awhile before class?" I asked sounding pitiful even to myself. She looks at me as if trying to discover some hidden agenda. There is one but she doesn't have to know that. I restrain a devious grin as she stares at me trying to figure out my plot.
"All right then." She looks me up and down again and nods her head. Remaining amazingly calm and "sick" I saunter over agonizingly slow to the couch thing they let us lay on. I bring my bag with me and drop a book on to the one I shall be unfortunate enough to be occupying in a few blissful moments. Step by step I make my way to the cramped bathroom. I turn on the light and shut the door. Turning on the water I reach into my bag. My hand searches frantically until I find what I am looking for. Pulling out my silver scissors I look at them and sigh. They are freshly sharpened from the night before and they shine in the sunlight that was streaming in through the window. Breathing in a sigh of relief, I dragged them hard across my skin. I sink the blade deep into my wrist. Blood bubbles up from under the surface. I hold my breath waiting for the pain to subside from my heart.
Slowly I feel numbness wash over me as I take the scissors to my skin again pulling the blade across the delicate area. Over and over I do that until I cannot feel anything anymore. Being completely numb was the goal. Now that I know I can still feel and don't need to I wipe the scissors off and put them away. Placing my mouth over the self inflicted wounds I suck on them until they stop bleeding. Smiling I pull the black wrist band over the cuts to cover it and keep it a secret, mine and only mine. It wouldn't bleed through it. Even if it did I could just call it a stain. Its fool proof
Turning off the water I looked in the mirror. My lips are stained lightly from the blood and I had started crying at some point. I almost gag at this thought. Tears are silently falling from my eyes. I frown in disappointment at my own weakness. This bitter vulnerability in me is something that I shake in disgust at. Self-mutilation, self-malice is the only things that I would prefer to bear. The tears that fall from my eyes make me shudder in utter repulsion. I reach for a tissue and I wipe them all away. At least I had no other makeup on today or there would be a stream of black irony running down my face.
I keep my eyes closed tightly as the alarm goes off next to my head. I feel tears sliding down my cheeks as I feel Matthew holding me. I turn over to look at his face, his lovely face, which I can still kiss because that was just a dream. Thank goodness for small favors.