A/N: Yay, another product of Hanjuuluver, Jane Austen Girl, and me attempting to fill the long, lonely days with strangeness and bafflement. This is truly odd, although we didn't intend it to go in this direction. But still - Roy hooked up with a vampire - who can resist that?

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA! I wish I did! But I don't! Somebody fix this! Or at least show me how to write in complete sentences.

Lovely Bunch of Coconuts

"Which party did Bors choose?" asked the short, blond, and handsome stranger (Ed: Hey, who are you calling short! Me: I can do it 'cause I'm even shorter than you, shrimp!) in a lazy tone of voice. Well, reflected Roy, one out of three wasn't bad for a fortune-teller, although the randomness of the remark troubled him. Seeing his expression, the stranger growled. "Didn't anyone tell you about the password?"

"There's a password?" was the badly chosen response. Of course the only possible reaction to this response was to beat the man with a stick, so the blond picked up the nearest fallen tree branch and whacked him on the head.

A vampire slid out from behind a tree and pounced, turning Roy immediately. His name was Keth, and when Roy woke up, he found that there was a pot of petunias on his stomach and he was possessed of the knowledge of the name, which he found odd.

He hadn't known that being attacked by a vampire would grant him botanical knowledge – he immediately filed that away under "Why?" and moved on to wondering where the hell he was. Then he realized he was not only out of uniform, but out of clothing altogether. Just what had happened last night!

"Oh yeah! I went on an all-morning caffeine drinking party! Oh no!"He thought suddenly, "I hope my teacup isn't broken!" He suddenly whipped off a large top hat that had somehow gone unnoticed up to this point and gasped in horror at what he found. "This isn't my teacup! This is a…"

"Coffee cup! With coffee remnants! Huh. Yuck. Now, what happened after…oh, I don't know. What I really want to know is why a petunia? And why my stomach and not the windowsill? Why my clothes!"

"Well, I'd think the clothing would be obvious," purred Keth. "Do you have any idea how sick I get of dressing like a bloody British toff! I'm not even European! I'm a bloody Canadian vampire, eh! But there's no market for that sort of thing, so I have to fake the bloody accent and everything. I never get to wear blue – or little skirt-pants thingies! Although seeing you wasn't bad either, eh?"

"You have a point, but where is my fiancé, Edward," he asked, looking around for the handsome blond boy.

"You're a girl? I had thought so at first, but even my scanty knowledge of anatomy seemed to contradict that, though I must have been wrong. Er…" He twiddled some buttons on a spindly machine and poked Roy's stomach with a stick.

"DO I LOOK LIKE A GIRL!" Roy shouted furiously. "I'M THE ALMIGHTY FLAME ALCHEMIST! FEAR MY WRATH!" Completely enraged, the tall, dark (still unclothed) man began snapping his fingers, sending fireballs shooting in every direction. Several hats and a small ornate table ceased to be.

The yummy blond man looked around at that moment. "Was that Roy? I was wondering what happened to him after I turned around and found him missing," he commented, looking at a long pillar of smoke that was billowing out of an abandoned building.

"Er…anyway," the vampire scientist said firmly. "Being locked up in a cellar for a thousand years confuses a guy. Besides, I was in the forest raised by weasels wearing purple tea cozies 'till then. Purple tea cozies are ancient, you know. Before soup. Why isn't the naked person wearing a top hat with petunias on a stomach and a coffee cup shooting fireballs a girl? She got all insulted!"

"I told you, I am very clearly a guy! Can't you see me shining with noble, masculine glory? I've practically got pink sparklies, for crying out loud! And I am not wearing a top hat and a pot of petunias! I found my shirt, which you stole, you thieving evil malicious vampire – and don't try to pretend you aren't sad I put my clothes back on!" Roy exclaimed, pulling on a black muscle shirt like Ed's and his usual military uniform.

"You haven't even got good muscles," the vampire said critically. "You have got pink petunias – they're just on your head now. Wonder how that happened?"

"As if you didn't know!" shouted Roy. "You put them there, you little weasel! And I do too have fantastic muscles! Take it back!"

"No, absolutely not. Under no circumstances would I make a concession to a coarse shouting man like you," drawled the vampire.

"Only if I'm asleep, you pervert! I challenge you to a duel!" He shouted, pulling out a cheese grater and an umbrella.

"You have the muscles of an overfed rabbit, the mind of a patient with a messed-up lobotomy, the greasy hair of Severus Snape, and the petunias of a whale! I accept! And by the way, you're one to talk. I mean, how can I be a pervert next to you?" AS the vampire said this, he moved up with traditional vampiric speed and concussed Roy in half a moment.

Ed sighed with relief.

"He does get het up, doesn't he? Thanks for knocking him out before he blew my other arm off."

The End - or maybe not (but probably yes)(unless I get more weird ideas)(but most likely I won't)