A Wedding - Emmett Style
A/N: Written for the fun of it - and because I'm too bored.:3 Please pardon me for any mistakes and do point them out if you see any. I hope you guys have a good laugh out of this!
Warning: If weddings is a sensitive issue for you, please do not read. It may offend some of you. Rated T for the expletives that you shall soon see, and some ... uh, crude mentions of sex.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
"Dearly beloved," Emmett began, before shuddering at the implied meaning, "we are fucking gathered together here in a fucking church in the sight of God, and in the face of this company, to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony... Though I've no idea why the two joining together is holy, but well." Emmett laughed.
"Thank you, everyone for attending the purest fucking ceremony," Emmett said, a lopsided grin on his face as he stared at both Edward and Bella, before winking to a giggling Rosalie. "No, of course, I don't mean literally fucking." However, his grin that was growing impossibly bigger seemed to suggest otherwise.
Bella nudged Edward, directing the latter a mortified glance before both of them gave an inaudible sigh - they had wanted to get someone in the family since it would be more memorable, but now, they were both doubting their choice.
They didn't have much options to choose from since Jasper declined the offer graciously, saying he wasn't the minister type while Carlisle had an emergency situation to attend to in the hospital - but of course, they didn't question why Esme had to go, too - early in the morning after Emmett had so graciously made coffee for both of them. Edward had narrowed his eyes suspiciously at the unusually kind gesture of Emmett, then, but decided not to pursue the matter. But now, it seemed that Emmett had gotten his motive accomplished - of being a minister.
Now the almost-to-be wedded couple turned to see the blissful couple, Carlisle and Esme, who had their fingers intertwined - and Esme with a rosy blush on both her cheeks (No, Edward definitely didn't want to know why) - and decided that perhaps they shouldn't pin all the fault on them.
"Anyway." He cleared his throat to gain everyone's attention once more. "We're here in this oh-so-holy - " He clapped his hands together, before murmuring an 'Amen' under his breath, "church, to celebrate the belated get-together of both Edward and Bella. Why belated, you ask? Because, of course, we would all have known by now that both of them had already completed the thing they should both do after weddings, on their wedding night and that is fuc - "
Charlie gave a loud growl, making Edward swallow nervously; and the latter instantly knew he was going to get it after the wedding.
"Emmett," Bella hissed, her face impossibly red, unable to stand it anymore, "stop with your expletives!"
"Okay, no problem," Emmett said much too happily, before he took a deep breath and recited loudly,
"When I first saw you,
I thought of angels - of creatures that are impossibly beautiful,
but yes, oh my love,
you're beautiful - more beautiful than anyone I've ever seen.
And now, I pledge my eternal love to you,
My Julie-"
"Shut up, Emmett!" Edward suddenly yelled. Everyone turned to stare at him for a moment, before starting to cough simultaneously in their seats in an attempt to contain their laughter. Esme tightened her hold on Carlisle's hand as she restrained herself from stopping him herself - who knew what kind of words he might expose to embarrass them?
Bella immediately blushed a deep red. Now it was Edward's turn to cough as warmth started to rise to his cheeks.
Emmett beamed, glad that he had gotten rid of any interruptions. "Now, to continue on."
"Is there any fucking idiots who would like to taint this fucking pure ceremony by saying you object to this wedding? If yes, I'd gladly dispose of you in all the right places, before kicking your fucking ass out of this church and for delaying the time for me to get some fucking food to eat," He finished, his eyes sparkling with sadistic joy as he rubbed his hands in glee - if there really was anyone, he would have a nice time playing. "If no, please forever cram the fucking protests up your fucking ass."
A loud gulp could be heard in the room, and no one dared to utter one word of protest.
"Good," Emmett commented, grinning again as he swept his eyes over every single one of the people present, lingering longer on both Mike and Jacob. Mike gave a timid squeak; and Jacob just blew a flying kiss to Emmett. The latter shuddered as he quickly averted his eyes, 'I always knew he wasn't having the hots for Bella...'
"I thought so," Emmett said after recovering shortly from the much-too-suggestive glance of a certain russet-coloured male. "All of you are good girls and boys!"
"So, now, to continue on - " He glanced down at his script again, when he realized it had gone missing. "Oh no! No! My fucking script! It's gone! No!"
"You don't need a script, Em," Bella said, sighing. This wedding was turning out to be a complete disaster.
"Yes, I need it!" Emmett looked as if he was on the verge of tears, before he took his rosary from around his neck and kissed it, seemingly for comfort before collecting himself. "Never mind, we shall just hurry up and get the fuck over this."
Both Edward and Bella heaved a sigh of relief.
"Do you, Edward Cullen, take Bella as your lawfully wedded wife through happiness, shits, gayness and fucking - Yes, I know Jacob has a thing for Edward, not you, Bella!" He paused for dramatic effect as he watched the couple turn red for the umpteenth time. "Do you, Edward?" Emmett asked eagerly, his eyes sparkling with excitement as he leant slightly over the wooden stand.
"Yes, I do." Edward couldn't help the tinge of exasperation that sneaked into his voice at how Emmett was behaving at such a sacred ceremony. He turned to Bella, offering her an apologetic smile before he swept his thumb lovingly over her cheek. She blushed.
"Ahem," Emmett coughed, "please remember the rules of public, Edward. Don't be such a lion, and roar! Pounce on this poor little willing lamb before this ceremony is over, okay?"
Rosalie giggled as quietly as she could, but apparently, not enough, because everyone started to get infected by her laughter and the entire church fell into chortles.
"Emmett!" Edward warned, his eyes narrowing. Emmett cringed a little at his tone, wondering if he had taken it too far for a moment, before he dismissed the thought, but he apologised for the sake of it.
"Now, do you, Isaba - Isebe - Isabell - I mean." Emmett stumbled over different syllabuses of her name, making Bella roll her eyes. "Ah-ha! I got it! I-sa-be-llia!"
"Isabella," Bella corrected.
"Whatever, smartass." Emmett smirked, waving his hand in dismissal.
"Do you, Isabellia Swan, take Edward Cullen as your lawfully wedded husband through all the fucking shit?"
"Yes, I do." She smiled at Edward and they tightened their hold on each other's arms - an action not going unnoticed by Emmett. He tsked, shaking his head for a while.
"Now, let's get the rings rolling and bang! We can eat!"
Jasper grinned at his words and strode forward purposefully towards Edward and Bella.
"You may now put the fucking rings on that let you guys bed each other."
The couple didn't comment, probably because they just got used to it.
Jasper opened the velvet box and handed it to Edward. As the latter reached for it with his gloved hand, Emmett leant over the stand far too much and now his face was now practically sticking to Edward's as he released every breath.
"Ew! Get away from me, Emmett!" Edward exclaimed as he attempted to put more distance between them while reaching for the ring where the box is shaking because Jasper was having too much fun from seeing the spectacle unfolding before his eyes.
"No, Eddie-kins!" Emmett squealed as he attempted to reach for the shiny ring himself, his eyes widening with wonder. "Ooooo, how shiny! I like shiny things."
"It's not for you." Edward huffed grumpily as he finally pulled the ring out of his place.
"Eddie... Please let me put it on for a moment! It's so, so shiny!" Emmett pouted, making his eyes look watery.
"Emmett! Don't carry it too far!" Rosalie yelled, her tone now warning, taking Emmett by surprise as he lost his balance over the stand and fell head-first onto the red, thick carpet. His robes almost covered his eyes as they showed... A hot-pink boxer.
Everyone burst into laughter, well... Jacob had a vastly different reaction - "Emmett! Hot pink is awesome!"
"Ow, fuck! That hurts!" He yelled, not taking notice of the grinning Jacob, rubbing his head as he gazed at Rosalie. She rolled her eyes while having a smile tugging on her lips and mouthed, 'later'. He immediately brightened and gathered himself before striding to the place behind the stand again, pulling on his robes in a pathetic attempt to straighten them.
"Now, I pronounce you as - " He halted in the middle of his sentence. Everyone held their breaths, wondering what had gone wrong now. "What the fuck! Jessica Stanley!"
The said female jumped in her seat, giving a squeak of surprise as she attempted to hid the book she was reading behind her back.
"Is... Is that..." He choked on his words as he pointed his trembling finger to her.
"Is that... what?" Jessica probed, looking utterly unnerved by his closeness.
"Is... Is tha - that," he stuttered even more as he opened and closed his mouth, apparently speechless.
"Well, what?" Jessica demanded, now looking annoyed at the stuttering, incoherent idiot before her.
"Is that - " He stuttered, before he pounced, pulling the hand that was hiding the book from behind her, his eyes sparkling as he rambled out,"the Powerpuff Girls comic series?"
"Umm..." Jessica felt herself blushing as everyone gaped.
"I love Powerpuff Girls!" He declared happily, turning his attention to her as he did a happy dance. "Do you like them too, Jessica?"
"Uh, uh," she fumbled for words, but none came to her mind.
"Never mind, Jessica!" He said yet again, now very happy. "EMMETT LIKES POWERPUFF GIRLS!"
"Okay," Jessica muttered, dragging out the word, now looking more embarrassed than ever as she burned a hole on the ground.
"Can you give this to Emmett?" He mustered his everything and did the best puppy dog eyes he ever could. Jessica sighed, pressing the heel of her hand to her forehead as she nodded.
"Yay!" He did another happy dance before realizing everyone was focused on both of them.
"Now," he began again in a much deeper voice. "Let's get the fuck over this since I wanna read my new comic."
"I hereby pronounce Edward and Isabellia as husband and wife!"
Everyone sighed - some in relief, but mostly out of disappointment. It was the most entertaining wedding they have ever been to, and from then on, almost every of them vowed to participate in every one of them that Emmett is going to be a minister in.
"Let's get out of here and take some fucking photos, then we can eat and read the fucking comic, yeah!"
A/N: End. Please drop a review to tell me what you think.