This is why my friends should never narrate Inuyasha.
Inuyasha: Oh my God. He's done it this time.
Kagome: Why? What?
Sango: Inuyasha's right for once!
Miroku: Head for the hills! runs away screaming like a fool
Inuyasha: Hey! What's that supposed to mean! chases Sango
Kagome: Sit! is flung to the ground
Inuyasha: is standing and staring at the Kagome-crater Thank God!
Rob: hiding in a cave watching the proceedings Dance puppets. Dance!
Disclaimer: If I owned Inuyasha, would I be writing this?
Not Deserving of a Title
It was a normal day for the Inuyasha group. The sun was barely up over the trees, when they were woken by the crowing of Inuyasha.
"Cock-a-doodle-doo! I mean get up! We've got shards to hunt!" He screamed.
"Shut up you stupid mutt!" Yelled Kouga as he poked his head out of some bush or another.
"What the hell? Who said you could come out of your pickle cage?" Inuyasha yelled at Kouga, who grumbled and retreated into the bushes.
"Ahhh. What a beautiful morning." Said Kagome as she got out of her sleeping bag. "Makes me feel like butterflies and happy things."
"Kagome, EVERYTHING makes you feel like butterflies and happy things." Sango pointed out as she too got up and stretched. She stiffened though, as she felt a hand meandering along her nether regions. Her eye gave an involuntary twitch and her hands formed fists. "Miroku…" She said in a very quiet dangerous tone. "DON'T EVER TOUCH ME AGAIN!" She then grabbed the hand and twisted it around his neck and tied it into a pretty little bow.
"I'm going to town. DON'T follow me." Sango said as she stormed off towards the village in a huff.
"Sango's scary." Whimpered Shippo as he crawled out from under the rock where he had been hiding from Miroku's sleep-groping abilities.
Roughly an hour later, Sango returned from town, and began helping Kagome prepare lunch for their hungry companions. She began to spoon out the stew into bowls and distribute them amongst the Fellowship of the Fang… I mean the group. As soon as she had her back turned to him, Miroku immediately had his hand on her ass. Everyone looked away, anticipating the smack and violent cursing, but it never came. Miroku looked shocked. Sango had never ignored him before. That was when he noticed that her bottom seemed much harder than normal. Sango whirled around to face him.
"Ha! Take that, Monk! I got myself enchanted steel lingerie! Now your mystical groping powers will have no effect!" Sango smiled proudly.
Miroku shrieked in terror. "Sango what have you done! You've doomed me to death! Without the ability to grope you, my power will diminish until I disappear!" Sure enough, Miroku began to shrink, and shrink, until only a pile of clothes were left on the ground. Everyone stared at the crumpled up robes in shock. Then they had a party to celebrate. During the party, Inuyasha walked up to Kagome.
"Kagome, can I talk to you in private?" He mumbled, looking at the floor.
"Sure Inuyasha!" Kagome said, and the pair walked off into the woods. Kagome sat down on a tree root and looked at Inuyasha. "So. What was it you wanted to talk about?"
"Kagome…" Inuyasha said while looking at the ground. "I… love you."
"OMGSIT!" Kagome screamed, scaring the birds out of the trees and the rabbits out of their minds.
"AHHHHH!" Screamed Inuyasha as he plummeted into the ground. "What the flying FUCK was that for you ADD infected wench?"
"Inuyasha I love Kouga!" With these words, Kouga pokes his head out of the bushes.
"YES! HA! HA! Take that dog-breath! I win!" Kouga yelled as he danced around in a circle. Inuyasha looked at Kagome, as if momentarily questioning her sanity, then, without any further adieu, lunged on top of Kouga and ate his head.
"Nooooo! Kouga-baby!" She cried, running around like a maniac, screaming and crying.
Meanwhile, Inuyasha has spit out Kouga's head, deciding that it tasted like dirt and wolf-sweat.
"Man, do you EVER bathe?" Inuyasha complained, scrubbing fiercely at his tongue with sandpaper.
Kouga's body walks over to the head and super-glues it to the neck.
"That's not cool man. NOT cool." He storms away in a huff.
Meanwhile, on Mt. Hakurei:
"I'm boooored!" Whined Kagura as she waited in a cave in Mt. Hakurei. "There's nothing to do in here!"
"Perhaps we should seek entertainment outside of Mt. Hakurei." Said Kanna in her emotionless voice.
"That's all well and good for you Kanna, but I can't set foot outside this cave." Suddenly, and for no apparent reason whatsoever, they were standing at the foot of Mt. Hakurei on a beach.
"Okaaay… meh, whatever." Kagura said as disco lights suddenly sprouted from the sky and trees. Music filled the air and a Disco party began on the beaches of Mt. Hakurei.
Inuyasha and his group emerged from the surrounding wilderness, and looked upon the flashing lights and dancing demons, and lambs, and the antelope, and the sloths, and the anchovies, and the breakfast cereals, and the wildebeests, and the small, inedible rodents, and decided they'd join the party. Out of the wilderness on the other side of the beach, came Sesshoumaru and his group. Sesshoumaru stood at the top of a cliff, hair blowing in the wind, moonlight shining on his face, looking like a sexy, sexy beast. He gracefully jumped from the cliff and floated down to rest gently on the sand. Seriously. He fell asleep on the way down. Jaken, thinking that he can do the same thing, stepped off the cliff and went plummeting down to smash his head on a rock. Rin, being the clever person that she is, walked down the path to get to the shore. There, she prodded Sesshoumaru awake and kicked Jaken until he woke up. Then they went to join the party.
"Jaken. Come here." Said Sesshoumaru as he sat on a rock, watching the dancers.
"I'm here my lord!" Said Jaken in his most annoying voice.
"Jaken." Sesshoumaru said as he lifted the helpless toad off the ground and dangled him over his mouth. "I'm sorry." Then, his head turned into a Sesshoumaru/Pac-man and he ate Jaken.
Jaken's spirit roamed the beach, until it found a suitable body. When he awoke, he had no senses, other than sight and smell, and could not move… he had become the living breathing essence, of poop demons. Inuyasha, still feeling betrayed by Kagome, goes into a fit of anger and pounces on her in the middle of the beach and eats her head. Kagome's spirit, like Jaken's, locates the most suitable body for a soul like hers, and, like Jaken, she becomes the living, breathing essence of poop demons.
Rin walks over to Sesshoumaru. She had to tell him something important. She had been waiting to tell him this, but had never had the right moment.
"Lord Sesshoumaru." She said.
"What is it Rin?" Sesshoumaru asked, looking at her in question.
Rin raised one finger and pointed straight at Sesshoumaru's chest.
"Milord has GREAT BIG BOOBIES!" She yelled.
Seshoumaru looked at her as if she had lost her mind. Then his lip began to quiver he burst into tears and ran into a corner of the beach, Cut his hair, dyed it black, and straightened the bangs so they fell in front of one eye. He sat in the corner, wearing a tight Green Day T-Shirt and black jeans, writing depressing poetry and stupid EMO songs. After he was done, he became convinced that there was nothing more to life, and tried desperately to slit his wrists with the Tenseiga.
Meanwhile, unaware of the madness that was occurring below, Sango and Shippo were dancing up on a cliff.
"Catch me!" Shippo yelled as he leapt towards Sango, who was standing at the edge of the cliff.
"Gotcha!" Sango said as she caught the kit deftly in her arms. She began to spin in circles holding Shippo above her head. "Around and around and around and wheeee!" She yelled as she threw Shippo from the cliff, to make a little light brown stain on the rocks below.
While her mistress was busily throwing young fox demons to their deaths, Kirara had bigger plans. For months she had been building a secret army of fire ants, and now, with the most powerful fighters in the land getting wasted at Mt. Hakurei, it was time to launch her assault. She called together her ant generals, and told them that their Queen demanded that they rape and pillage all of Japan. And so, off she went, with her army, to conquer the land.
As Kirara left, Naraku appeared. He was all decked out, from his baboon-skin pimp coat and hat, to the pure gold bling-bling around his neck, and the rings that spelled his name on the fingers of his left hand. He walked straight up to Kagura, crossed his arms and said.
"Ah 'ave a 'spicion." Complete with the stupid pouting face.
Kagura looked at him as if he was insane, which he was, and slowly walked away. Naraku looked at the ground in shame. No-one would dance with him. He walked up to Inuyasha.
"Mah homie dawg. Why won't none of yo' bitches get down wif de pimpmasta? Ah 'ave a 'spicion."
Inuyasha looked at him in disgust.
"You are now 100 percent less of a person in my eyes." He said. "And you're not black. Stop being a poser."
Naraku was now sad, and lonely. No one wanted to be his friend. Even his main homie, the Yash-dawg had spurned him, for being the way he was. He couldn't help it if he was white on the outside, but he was black on the inside… like a Hershy's Cookies and Cream bar. He was at the point of total despair, when he saw the Band of Seven riding towards the beach on Ginkotsu's back.
"Hey there! Naraku!" Bankotsu called. "It's been some time. We decided we've had enough of killing people and we just wanna party our lives away!"
"What 'cho figgas talkin' 'bout?" Asked Naraku, who was in a state of shock. And who wouldn't be? The Band of Seven giving up killing is like Inuyasha giving up instant ramen.
"Yep!" Said Jakotsu proudly. "Now let's dance!"
Jakotsu grabbed Naraku's hand and waltzes him over to Kanna, who is doing the robot in the middle of a horde of dancing animals and cardboard boxes filled with cereal.
Bankotsu decided that that was as good a time as ever to show the skills he had been perfecting for years. He stuck the Banryu into the ground so that the massive halberd's blade was pointing at the sky. Then, he leapt high into the air, before landing perfectly on the tip of the sword.
"As you can see, my feet are indestructible! They cannot be harmed by a blade, unlike mortal feet!" Then, he started doing the can-can on the tip of the blade that had claimed over a thousand lives.
Renkotsu stood there watching Bankotsu.
"Stupid buffoon. Without me, where would he be?" At this point he pulls out a sock-puppet of himself and strikes up a conversation with it. "He'd still be trying to send a letter to that castle asking for his Companion back."
He carried on in this matter for some time, until, in a freak accident, he was creamed by a bullet train that broke the space-time continuum directly in front of him.
Meanwhile, Ginkotsu decided it would be a grand idea to shoot massive amounts of confetti everywhere.
"Grsh!" He said as his guns shot confetti into the atmosphere. It was raining confetti, on a feudal disco party in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. Things certainly were getting strange in this feudal fairy tale.
Unfortunately for the sanity of the author, Queen Kirara chose that moment to burrow up out of the ground, returning from successfully ass-raping all of Japan. Her army brought with them the spoils of war. Drugs and booze. So now, the army of ants started dancing with the animals and demons and dead guys, in a feudal disco party in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere, while confetti rained from the heavens.
Poor Inuyasha though. The madness of it all was just too much for his little brain to handle. So he sat down and cried. He cried and cried for the sheer madness of it all.
There you go. The insanity that is Inuyasha condensed into 2000 words. Next time, we'll find out that Inuyasha is really half-shit. Until then, this is KingofFoxes Signing off.
P.S. Any flames shall only encourage me further.
P.P.S. I am not actually responsible for this. My friend Rob is.