Hallo, hallo, one and all! I can't believe you guys…telling me there were cookies in the kitchen…jk. I know you know nothing about that. BUT at any rate, let me give you a brief synopsis about the story!
We all remember the story of Sleeping Beauty? Well if you don't, that's ok, cuz then this story will actually have a surprise ending! And when I say remember the story, I mean the Disney-fied version, not the legit version, whatever that may be. I had to rewatch the movie to remember all the people. Or at least some of them.
Aurora/Sleeping Beauty/Rose—Kagome
Her Dad, Stefan—Miroku
Her Mom—Kagura
Prince Philip—Inuyasha
The Friend of the Dad—Sango (ok it's a girl in this version, but remember the fat old guy that Aurora's dad was friends with? She's him but in girl and hotter form.)
Maleficent—Naraku
The Crow—Kikyo
The Random Evil Creatures—all Naraku's asexual children
Flora—Shippo
Fauna—Jakken
Meriwether—Sesshomaru
Prince Philip's Horse—Kouga
The Drunken Bard—Myoga
Random Forest Creatures—Any random people making cameos. Like Kanna.
The Owl—Rin
Random Villagers—Random…villagers. Did you expect something else?
Chapter 1: Much Ado about Birthing (and Ceremony)
As one can expect, Kagome can into the world crying, like any other baby. The irregularity in her birth was the way she was born; with much ado about birthing.
Miroku, horribly inept at anything not involving fighting or wooing women, had fainted long ago, leaving a rather pissed off Kagura to deliver the baby. "Godforsaken stupid little insignificant friggin maniacal…." And it went on like that for four hours until Kagome was born. Kagura decided that while Kagome might be a bunch of adjectives, the most important one was the possessive one (meaning Kagome belonged to Kagura whether she liked it or not).
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" said Kagome, and while Kagura thought that her baby had identified water at the tender age of six seconds, this was not the case.
"Ah, what a lovely baby we have, eh, Kagura?" Miroku said, patting his sweaty wife on the shoulder with a relieved expression. "I'm so glad we got married." His hand traveled lower onto her butt, but he instantly removed it when she released a mighty fart.
"Yeah, the only reason we got married was because of Kagome," Kagura said, unceremoniously putting Kagome in a crib. "I can't believe you knocked up a drunk chick." She glared at Miroku, almost spitting at him but deciding against it.
Miroku sighed and looked at his daughter. "All I can say is I'm so happy that she wasn't born with testicles—errrr, tentacles. Or any other oddities that might have passed from YOUR side of the family."
Kagura hissed at Miroku and then flew up to the rafters of the high-ceilinged room to roost. "Go to hell," she said, expressing her utmost affection onto her husband.
Miroku smiled icily at her. "Already there." He looked down at the baby, silent now because she'd fallen asleep. "I am glad that you were born a girl though…at least Kagura won't try to breed with you or something."
"That's YOUR job, lecher. You breed with anything that moves."
Miroku flipped her off and then proceeded to tell Kagome about the magic of sex.
Some time later…
Some time later, Miroku and Kagura had the ceremony for all their royal subjects to see the new person that was going to rule over and oppress the hell out of them. While the common folk had to see their new princess behind a sneeze guard (THEY were the ones behind it, not the baby), there were some rather important guests.
"I still don't see why I have to visit the brat," Inuyasha whined. He was already a teenager and mightily pissed that his mom had interrupted his sword training with his dad.
"Because you're a prince, she's a princess, and you're to be married when she's sixteen." Ever the voice of reason, Queen Sango pushed Inuyasha roughly down the carpet pathway leading to the crib.
Inuyasha just stared at the under-a-month old baby. "Why are you interested in making me a pedophile, again? I'm FOUR HUNDRED YEARS OLDER THAN SHE IS." Who knows if this is true, Inuyasha likes to embellish his age.
Sango placed a silver pacifier (that also warded off demonic auras) into Kagome's crib. "Don't be silly, sweetie. By the time she's sixteen, you'll be like a twenty year old developmentally. Although that might be a lie, because you're really about where she is now." Inuyasha smacked her, and Sango just made him sit.
"I hate your 322 birthday present to me, by the way," Inuyasha said into the floor.
"If it makes you behave, I'm glad you hate it." Sango picked Inuyasha up by the scruff and carried him off.
Trumpets blared to introduce the next guests. "And now, beaming down to greet the princess, here are Shippo…" Shippo floated down through a beam of light in the ceiling, dressed predominantly in red and smiling happily. "Jakken…" Clad in green (that complimented his skin tone), Jakken floated down next, landing gently next to Shippo. "And Sesshomaru." Sesshomaru, dressed exactly like Meriwether from the movie (which means he was wearing a really poofy blue dress with a witch hat tied onto his head with ribbon), landed heavily next to the other two, standing much, MUCH taller than they did. His arms were crossed and he glared daggers at everyone.
"Now remind me again why you're dressed like that, my lord," Jakken said.
"This is the only way to keep Kagura off me," Sesshy said icily, glaring at said woman, who was waving vigorously at him. "I am so embarrassed to be seen in a dress in public." Although who knew if he were lying, because his face showed no emotion.
Shippo scuffed his feet, shaking with giggles but trying to hide them. "As sad as it is to see Sesshomaru in a spinster frump dress, we should give Kagome her presents." Skipping to her crib, Shippo hopped into it, nearly suffocating the baby with his tail. After apologizing profusely, he removed his wand and looked at her. "What gift should I give you?"
"The power to see through walls!"
"Make her immortal!"
"Give her really giant boobs!"
"Make her asexual so she can't marry me! OW! Mom!"
"Spay Kagura!"
"Miroku, you're an asshole!"
Shippo whirled to face the crowd. "IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION! I ALREADY KNOW MY GIFT!" Everyone went quiet and shocked, and then when his back was turned, made hand puppet imitations of him and chortled. "I give you the gift of beauty…." A chorus started singing somewhere. "Facial beauty, pure and sweet, and really sexy…mmmm…" Someone threw a shoe at Shippo, knocking him out. Jakken then threw his prone form out of the crib and lit it on fire with his staff, to the amusement of all the small children.
"Well MY gift will actually be useful. I give you, Kagome, the gift of…." He blinked. "I forget." Everyone booed him and threw caviar at him (this was an insult because the fish eggs were distant unborn cousins). "Well if I can't remember, I'll give her something else!" He scratched his head, thinking fast. "Umm…I'll give you the gift to travel through time and to survive narrow encounters through odd and irrational means!" This appeased and mollified the crowd, so they let Jakken off without declaring him a witch toad.
As Sesshy opened his mouth to bestow his gift onto Kagome, a WHOOSH…whooshed…through the room.
"Ku ku ku ku. Did you think of having Kagome's debutante ball without me, her grandfather?" Naraku, dressed in his baboon pelt, laughed at his own statement, and Kikyo (for some reason dressed as a giant crow) cawed her approval. "Ku ku ku…Kikyo, why are you dressed as a crow?"
"Crawwwww!" Kikyo smiled dementedly and flapped her arms about. Naraku shed his fur, convinced that it was odd (and something for couples only) for them to both be dressed as animals. "CRRRRAWWWWWW!" she repeated enthusiastically.
Naraku just stared at her as if to say 'and this is what I have to work with.' "And this is what I have to work with," he said. "No wonder I didn't get invited, since YOU'D be coming with me." Kikyo was running/flying laps around the room and didn't hear him.
Approaching the crib, Naraku smiled fiendishly. "Well, my gift to you, sweet granddaughter, is for you to—SHUT UP, KIKYO!—is on your sixteenth birthday, you will take the arrow from a hanyou pinned to a tree, and when you do, you will DIE." After much laughter (and a lame "Seize my crazy wife's father" from Miroku), Naraku apparated. Kikyo, realizing she'd been left behind, shed all of her feathers and streaked right out the main door.
Everyone instantly erupted into tears (except Sesshy, who just stared expressionlessly at everyone) or woeful sentiments.
"WAIT!" Shippo cried, finger pointing up to the ceiling in triumph. He rotated his finger to point as Sesshy, who looked like he was going to bite it off. "SESSHOMARU hasn't given Kagome a gift yet! He can undo the curse!"
"Actually no I can't." Everyone gave Sesshy their best puppy eyes (except Kagura, who was off self-serving somewhere). "Oh fine, I'll try."
He approached the crib, looking at the sleeping infant. "I give you the gift of reversing what that last idiot just gifted you." Nothing happened. "Okay fine, if that won't work, then you will not die when you remove the arrow from a hanyou pinned to a tree. Instead, you will become a mute human. If the hanyou does not give you the kiss of true love by the time the sun sets on the third day, you'll turn back into a mermaid, and you'll belong to me." Everyone stared at Sesshy, shocked. He pulled his hand out from behind his back, exposing his crossed fingers. "Just kidding. Ha, ha, ha." His face didn't change expression when he laughed.
"Okay, when you pull the arrow from the hanyou, you won't die, but you will fall asleep until you receive the kiss of true love. And something about forest animals." He nodded at Kagome, who had opened her eyes to stare at the demon, and then he walked to the back of the room to glower.
Miroku stepped forward toward his daughter. "Just as well, I would feel safer if she weren't near any hanyous near her for a while, in case the curse tries to come to fruition early. Is there somewhere we can hide her?"
"Way to consult me about what's going to happen to our daughter, Miroku. You'll die in the night."
"WIND TUNNEL!" He almost sucked Kagura up, but then covered his hand at the last moment so she sailed into the wall. "May you never move again," he said in praying position.
Jakken cocked his head. "Well, we could take her with us to our bachelor pad in the middle of the woods. No one ever bothers us there."
Sesshomaru stared at him. "Are you suggesting we have a mass orgy?"
"Not until she's 16," whispered Jakken. Shippo nodded wildly. Sesshomaru shrugged, indicating his approval.
"I WANT MY DAUGHTER COMING BACK A VIRGIN!" Miroku yelled as he watched the three figures carry his daughter off into the night.
"We'll see what we can do," whispered Sesshy as the rest of the group laughed hysterically.
No one saw crazy Kikyo sitting on the roof, once again decked out in feathers and watching them race into the woods. Mwahahaha.
And that's it! For now…review if you like it, otherwise it'll go away!